24
I sort of bastardized this from a post on Lewis’ blog. Some of the times are estimated because I don’t know the exact moments some things occurred.
The following events took place over a twenty-four hour period:
6:30 AM – Woke up. Decided to stay in bed a little longer since it was Saturday.
6:50 AM – Wood won’t go away, so the rest of me may as well get up, too.
7:10 AM – Washed my hands…and face…and my…
7:15 AM – Had a bowl of oatmeal on back porch. Saved last apple for Granny.
7:30 AM – Started Granny’s shower and got her going.
7:40 AM – Took a whore’s bath, read on the toilet, and brushed my teeth. (Not all at the same time.)
8:05 AM – Fixed Granny’s breakfast: piece of toast, scrambled egg, and the last apple.
8:30 AM – Granny passed on the apple. Washed up breakfast dishes.
8:38 AM – Went to fill gas can for lawn mower. Ate last apple on the way.
8:50 AM – Cut grass/general yardwork before sun could go from punishing to deadly.
8:59 AM – Sweating my ass off.
9:05 AM – Contemplated hiring a kid to do yardwork from now on. But then, if the Attorney can do his own yard, then I guess I can too. (Except he enjoys it.)
9:20 AM – Still sweating my ass off.
9:50 AM – Drank a full liter bottle of water in two gulps.
9:51 AM – Showered and cleaned up for real.
10:15 AM – Attorney called. I told him I was buffing my nuts while we talked. He tried to say something dirty in response, but got embarrassed. We made plans for the evening.
10:30 AM – Went grocery shopping.
11:45 AM – Returned, put away groceries.
12:00 PM – Started lunch for me and Granny
12:10 PM – Helped Granny search for the remote control she was sitting on.
12:20 PM – Ate lunch.
12:50 PM – Washed dishes. Swept and mopped kitchen.
1:20 PM – Dialed phone for Granny so she could call her friend.
1:23 PM – Took truck to car wash. Got wet and foamy.
2:15 PM – Mopped bathrooms. I hate cleaning the bathroom. But I hate a dirty bathroom even more.
2:35 PM – Told Granny to wait until the shade falls on the porch before she sits out there. Continued cleaning bathroom.
2:45 PM – Helped Granny find the remote (which she took, for some reason, to the porch with her) when she decides it was too hot out and wants to watch TV in the living room again.
3:00 PM – Checked e-mail and read up on some blogs.
3:15 PM – Relaxed on the bed with a book.
3:25 PM – Couldn’t get into book. Beat off instead.
3:40ish PM – Dozed off.
4:08 PM – Woke up. Cleaned up.
4:12 PM – Called the Attorney to tell him I would be leaving later than planned. He was a little miffed.
4:15 PM – Mixed up some chicken salad, wrapped a bit up on a plate with tomato slices and put it in the refrigerator for Granny for later.
4:40 PM – Got in the shower.
5:00 PM – Remembered to cut up some watermelon for Granny. Put it in plastic container in fridge.
5:10 PM – Got dressed.
5:30 PM – Gave granny some “sugar,” hopped in the truck and headed for Knoxville a half hour late.
5:45 PM – Called Attorney, told him to meet me at restaurant instead of his house.
6:40 PM – Met Attorney in parking lot. Covertly gave him some “sugar.”
7:02 PM- After a 20 minute wait, sat down at our table.
8:00 PM – Finished dinner. I had salmon. He had steak.
8:23 PM – Arrived at the Attorney’s house. He was very horny. I felt compelled to comply. (Cause I’m a nice guy like that).
8:24 PM-9:30 PM – Waves crashed, firework shot, trains raced through tunnels, sopranos sang opera, oil derricks pumped, etc…
9:31 PM – tandem whore’s baths
9:35 PM – jumped in the pool for a swim.
9:45 PM – more play in the pool. (The Attorney was the air pump, I was the blow up pool toy.)
10:02 PM – release…and spent.
10:05 PM – cuddled under a big towel on the deck.
10:30 PM – headed for home.
11:45 PM – Called the Attorney to tell him I am home. Turn off Granny’s TV and turn out her light. She’s dead to the world.
11:50 PM – wash up Granny’s dinner dishes.
12:00 AM – exchanged a couple of e-mails with friend.
12:05 AM – stripped down to underpants and played SimCity on the computer.
1:30 AM – chatted online with a friend
3:15 AM – suddenly lost internet connection. needed to go to bed anyway.
3:21 AM – couldn’t sleep knowing internet was not working when the modem checked out fine. After several restarts and plugging and unplugging things, got it working again.
4:10 AM – went to bed for real.
6:30 AM – still asleep.
That was my Saturday. Thrilling wasn’t it? 
August 5th, 2008 at 2:07 am
I love how you can tell a story in minute one sentence bites and still have it be compelling (even without the references to beating off and pool toys)… I loved the little “side stories” of the apple and the remote control…
August 5th, 2008 at 2:45 am
lol. I actually find I get more comments on posts like this than my regular rants.
August 5th, 2008 at 8:55 am
Why did you mo the kitchen and the bathroom twice? My kitchen is lucky to get moppped twice a month. Loved the little peek at your day to day life.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:52 am
Ah, Professor Tony, once again you have assisted me in my quest to learn something new everyday. For today’s vocabulary lesson—-”whore’s bath” has now been added to my lexicon.
In my family, it is called a “spit bath”, which is kind of disgusting, and likely a weird derivative of the more clinical “Sitz bath”.
Dare I ask the origin of your delightfully naughty terminology? Is this pure LargeTony phraseology, or perhaps a common term used in your neck of the woods, or other part of the woods? Or, in keeping with one of the themes of today’s post, the neck of your wood?
Also, I must say that I enjoyed the image of LargeTony going from the shower to the kitchen at 5:00, slicing watermelon as the last droplets of water cling to your clean, fresh…….uh…careful with that knife, young man. The Attorney prefers baritone to soprano!
August 5th, 2008 at 12:04 pm
YOU mopped the kitchen & the bathroom TWICE!!
And you gave Granny “sugar”,
Either one of those makes you a good man, you know?
Both makes you wonderful.
August 5th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Oh and it sounded like a really fulfilling saturday, the kind that leaves you feeling as though you did something at the end of it…
What’s boring (non-thrilling) about that?
August 5th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
That’s a full day…especially relate to the business of not being able to sleep, knowing there was no internet…AND you’re a Sim City fan!!
: )
August 5th, 2008 at 7:36 pm
I love that you know what a “whore bath” is. Thought I was the only one that used that phrase. I was shocked to learn that Miss Tyra Banks used the phrase whore bath too. She asked Janet Jackson if she ever took a whore bath and Miss Jackson “If your nasty”, was like- “WHAT!?” She almost looked offended. =)
August 5th, 2008 at 9:33 pm
I think Whore’s Bath came into much more common usage after the first Austin Powers movie.
August 5th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
I’ve always wanted to be the friend you chatted with at 1:30 AM. Hell, I’d even settle for the friend at 12:00 AM. Perhaps someday.
August 6th, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Felt like I had a spy cam on you.
August 6th, 2008 at 6:49 pm
See it is posts like this that is going to make me miss reading what you write when you stop blogging in a few days. My favorite part of this was the reference to whore baths and learning that your a SimCity fan. I too like SimCity but I haven’t played it in a long time. There is going to be a game called SimCity Creator for the Nintendo Wii coming out later this year that I am thinking about buying. It sounds like you had a wonderful Saturday, despite all the work. I was working that day myself.
August 6th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
Sounds like it was a fun and busy day! Sometimes my days are crazy like that.. other days, I just lay around and do nothing all day.
August 7th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
This post is seriously excellent. What a great read!
August 7th, 2008 at 8:20 pm
Varied and people-oriented. Sounds good to me.
August 8th, 2008 at 12:43 am
a well-rounded day
August 10th, 2008 at 7:50 am
Why people shower in the morning, I could never fathom. I always shower at bedtime. Plenty of time to dry up, relax and unwind. And if one really needs to become spiffy clean for some reason or other
there is always the bidet, which makes a “whore’s bath” so much easier and quicker. Because everybody wants to be a whore, but not everybody can.
August 26th, 2008 at 10:23 pm
the best part is helping granny find the remote she was sitting on.. like me trying to find the keys that are in my hand