Grumps
I know I have been overloading the blog lately with stories about Granny and/or the Attorney. But, here’s one to show you that it isn’t always rosy.
Granny was pretty cranky this past Wednesday. Monthly bill cranky. Except that box has been empty for half a century.
She had asked me to take her to a birthday party for her friend Jean who is now in assisted living. This meant I would have to take off work. Which, in my world, is pretty much equal to sin.
Before I took a day off (especially after missing 3 a few weeks ago when I hurt my back) I wanted to be positive that the party was really in the middle of the week. Granny insisted that Wednesday was Jean’s birthday.
I understood that, but it also seemed to me that it would be more likely that they would have a party for her on the weekend when maybe more people could attend.
“She might not make it to the weekend,” she snapped at me.
To clarify, Jean is not suffering from some terminal illness or anything (that I know of). She’s just old and Granny was being a moody bitch. You all know I love my Granny more than anything, but sometimes a rose by any other name is still a moody bitch.
It was going to be a fun day.
She disapproved of the birthday card I stopped to get at Walgreen’s for Jean. It was one of those musical cards and it played “I Heard It Through The Grapevine” (that you are OLD.) Granny thought it was annoying.
I kept my mouth shut. Maybe because I was torn between saying, “I thought prunes would appreciate raisins,” and “Next time get out of the car and pick it out yourself.”
Now that it had been triggered, my own moodiness did not improve over the next couple of hours as I sat on the sidelines of the gathering and suffered through an institutional stench that was a bizarre mixture of buttercream, soiled Depends, and old lady.
On the way home, Granny announced that she decided that she wanted to move into assisted living, herself.
WTF??? Who visits their friend in an old folk’s home and decides they want to stay?
When I questioned the idea she snarled at me, “So, I’m not capable of making my own decisions anymore? Sounds like I’m the perfect candidate for a home.”
Then my geriatric Joan of Arc went on to say she had been thinking about it for a long time and felt like the time is right given my situation with the Attorney.
I think she was just using it as an excuse, so I asked her why she has been accepting me and the Attorney so easily.
And she let me have it.
“Alright, Mister,” she wound up. “If you’re wanting to know if it’s what I expected and hoped for for you, then no. It’s not. But, it is what it is, and I can’t change that. So, I accept it. I can’t say I understand it because it’s not something I have ever felt. And for the same reason it’s not something that I can say shouldn’t be.”
“Besides,” she barked to finish, “do you think you’re the only one I have ever known?”
I had never thought about it, but I guess at 91 she has to have known other gay men in her life.
Later, when I was telling the Attorney about Granny’s plan to be put away, he didn’t find it as ridiculous as I did. He said that it might be good for her to be around her friends more and it could take some pressure off me.
I told him I could handle the pressure just fine and have been for almost ten years.
The he let me have it. He told me to stop trying to be Superman and that what was really bothering me about granny going into assisted living was that I took it as her saying that I couldn’t take care of her properly.
“Who’s really Joan of Arc here, Tony?” he asked.
And he asked it in that way that lawyers do.
Not attorneys. Lawyers.
I guess it’s because he is trained to not lose arguments, but I can never win with him, so I changed the subject to Granny’s comments about our relationship.
“Why can’t you leave well-enough alone?” he asked me.
“What are you talking about?”
“Accept that she accepts it,” he responded. “Anytime something good happens to you, you have to pick it apart and find out why. Just let yourself be happy.”
How can I be happy with everybody griping at me?
It just makes me grumpy.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:14 am
“Just let yourself be happy.”
That’s the best advice I’ve heard in a long time. It’s also something that’s not easy to do.
Hang in there, Tony! They’re griping at you because they love you.
July 18th, 2008 at 2:31 am
Has the attorney been spying on me? It’s amazing how I read your blog tonight and what he said to you was exactly what I needed to hear as well.
Be sure to thank him for me, okay?
…and of course, thank you for sharing. I so look forward to reading your blog.
~r
July 18th, 2008 at 6:53 am
There will come a time when Granny will not be able to be left alone when you’re at work. Only then will it be necessary for her to move out. Until that time, it’s a grey area. The way I see it, the attorney situation has nothing to do with it, since he lives so far away.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:01 am
It makes you grumpy because you know they both have a point
July 18th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Sure, she’s probably using that as an excuse, but is she better off in assisted living? Is it a good facility? True, she might be around more of her friends and people who are in the same situation. Well, I’m glad that you got a clear answer from her. And the attorney has a point. You do analyze. It’s important to do so, but I just don’t want you to overdo it. Finally, I can’t help but wonder if she’s doing this on some level to not be around your relationship? I don’t know.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:40 am
Whoa Nellie!
1) Does Granny actually know what assisted living entails? Those places always have “Let’s Meet the Neighbors Days”, usually on weekends, so take her and let her talk to the staff, more than her friends-residents and let her stew about the idea for a little bit.
2) Maybe this is her way of telling you that she feels she needs more help than you can give her, not that you aren’t wanted or needed or doing what is good and right by her, but just that she KNOWS it’s time for more than she feels comfortable taking from you.
I don’t know about you but I always swore that my elders would NEVER go into one of those places as long as I could share a home with them, I always figured that they took care of me when I needed it and I should return the courtesy, BUT the day came when my Auntie and I went to check out some of those places because I was working really long hours and everybody else couldn’t/wouldn’t try to make room in their lives for her so off we went, she found a nice plave she liked (the rent was cheaper than our place and included cable + she could have her cats and it wasn’t more than 5 minutes away from me) she started going through her stuff to decide what she wanted to keep and what she wanted to let go of and away she went.
To live away from me.
With strangers.
Who didn’t know her, or love her and didn’t put their lives on hold for her.
Who noticed what I hadn’t, she was slipping further and further into the past, and they recommended testing and found a tumor in her shoulder that was pressing on her cartoid artery. that might have killed her, that was removed and she got better and made new friends and joined a dance group (AT HER AGE!) and lived fine,
Without me.
But
I still got called everyday, “Hun, can you get me a loaf of bread” (the place was next door to a Safeway), Hun, can you pick me up some of those buns? The ones from Wally World? (She rode the resident’s bus up there at least twice a week) Hun, can you figure out a 4 letter word for wanting the best for someone else so much you make them let you go??
LOVE.
Auntie died a while back, in her sleep, in her apartment in the old people’s residence, but I had gotten a call, “Hun, can you come watch some TV with me tonight?” and so we watched some TV, I made her a grilled tuna and cheese, she got ready for bed and “Hun, read me from my book for a bit, willl you? I can’t find my glasses” (they were on top of her head, we laughed about that) And I puttered around cleaning up, I heard something, thought it was “Hun”, so I went into the bedroom and she was gone..
So in the end I was the one who took care of her, not the strangers, not her dance group, and not the doctors because she had done one more thing when she had left me, she put a DNR (Do Not resisitate) form on her door with my name on it…
Without telling me,
and I got to tell them no, she was tired and she was done.
And so I got to be “the Adult” for her one more time
She taught me one more lesson after she was gone, too, she left me a letter, explaining that she hadn’t really wanted to leave our house but she knew I wouldn’t ever let her go unless she pulled away 1st. I would have gone along taking care of her the best way I knew and she said it was more than enough but every child needs to have space to roam and to learn and maybe to be more than they know they can be, so sometimes it’s NOT the child who leaves home it’s the elder..
So ask yourself, are you keeping Granny with you because it’s best for her or easier for you??
July 18th, 2008 at 11:00 am
Simply put, she wants to make that decision so you wont have to down the road…………. and having known someone who has gone through it…….. and all the emotional baggage that a decision like that brings about, she just wants to save you from it.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:48 am
Misery.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:57 am
You’ll find your way. Try to be patient.
July 18th, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Hi,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. It’s been very interesting
reading. I think “Awytch” explained it well. Also, sometimes it seems to me
that things will pretty much go on as they always have and then
suddenly it seems “everything” happens at once. There’s been your
growing relationship with the Attorney, your Granny’s meeting and acceptanceof him and your recent back injury.
Mix all that together and now add Granny announcing she’s thinking about going to live somewhere else.
For further analogy if this is your “Senior Year” for the blog then Granny
may also get to “graduate” as well. Somebody somewhere said something
like “Change isn’t always easy. But it keeps on happening”. However, a certain amount of grumpiness is allowed. ;<)
July 18th, 2008 at 7:03 pm
I don’t think she wants to make the decision so you won’t have to - i think she wants to still be able to make her decisions. Great for that and for her - though I know it cannot be easy for you.
As for Granny, the Atty and the relationship - it’s glad she accepts it to a degree, but it is hard for anyone you love to understand it completely. The Atty is correct - stop over-analyzing. Accept the things you cannot change.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:18 pm
She may want to get out of the way so you can make your life with the Attorney.
She may as my mother did at 91, need additional help in every day living, i.e. bathroom, showering, and at some point eating. I fed my Mom during her waning days. So for whatever reason she just may need a place where the arms distance allows her to maintain her dignity to the end.
She may want to talk to her peers about life as only they know it.
Love her and the decisions will come for both you and her.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:57 pm
We all have to be grumpy a/or bitchy sometimes, don’t we? I think we’d explode, otherwise, with a much bigger mess to clean up.
You’ve gotten some good advice here. For what it’s worth, I agree that you need to embrace Granny’s acceptance of you and the Attorney, and fret no more about it.
As for Granny’s future living arrangements—oh, that is such a tough one. As a daughter, grandaughter, and someone who has worked for a number of years in various aspects of the nursing home industry, my best advice is to calmly start addressing this issue NOW, so you aren’t faced with making a decision during a crisis.
Please explore all of the options available where you live, for all possible scenarios. You should share this very difficult task with the Attorney. He is your partner. The aging of one’s parent or grandparent presents some of life’s toughest challenges. You should travel this path not just with Granny, but with your loving partner–your future.
My best to all of you….
July 18th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
Sometimes you live your life and try to be happy but no matter what you do, the axe falls. I once was staying with Rick and his parents in a condo on vacation. After 3 days I had it. I told Rick I was getting a hotel room next door because four in the condo is too much. He was soooo worried what his mother was going to think. I told him, “tell her I’m used to living alone and that I’m going to give them a little more space, and I’m going to have my own bathroom. I’m a grown man, I can make decisions for myself and I’m sure they’ll accept it.”
“She’s going to take it personally,” he said.
The evening of the day I told them I was moving out of our vacation paradise I wanted to stress that I was enjoying vacation. I said in the car on the way to dinner, real casual, “Mrs. D. I’m having a really nice vacation with you and Mr. D. and Rick. A real nice relaxing time.”
She just kept looking out the window. “Bullshit.”
July 18th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
It was a grumpy petulant me no likely week for me too.
I hate it. I defiantly spent the whole day in bed yesterday stewing up the juices. Re-watching Veronica Mars Season 2 on DV D helped me through my own self imposed exile.
Harumpf.
July 19th, 2008 at 12:40 am
I had an “Aha!” moment last night, later in the day after I’d read your post.
I agree w/ Marc - Granny sees herself as an impediment to your deepening relationship with the Attorney. She knows that you don’t want to put her in a home, so she’s making the decision herself.
And to be honest, she probably hasn’t been seeing much of you lately and spends a fair amount of time alone. I’m sure she could use the companionship of friends.
July 19th, 2008 at 8:38 am
Gee what a fan base you have my friend!!!! Seems to me you are a blessed man. So many people looking out for your best interest, Granny the Attorney and all of us. Sucks to be you huh bud…
I agree with most on here, Granny is realizing that she is holding back your life and realizes that you are not truly living as you should be and it is all because of her. Seem to me she was never one to be selfish in any of her stories that you related to us. So the ball is now in your court. I would not want to be in your shoes for sure. Life with Granny the house, the hood and all that goes with it was easy at times, simple and not complex. Now you have been given a gift. A gift of choice, to decide what it is you want to do. Either way you choose, the decision will have to be made.
God bless
July 19th, 2008 at 10:12 am
Granny is probably, in her own way, trying to spare you some pain in the long run. I saw this same thing in my own mother before she passed away, but did not recognize it until after the fact. She knows that her death will be very hard for you and is probably thinking that if it happened in a more “neutral” setting it will be easier for you to deal with. My mother made sure that she did not die at home because she knew that it would be harder for her loved ones to handle because we would always think of her death when we were there. Instead of her death, she wanted us to think of all the great memories we shared in that space. By removing herself from the home before her death she is sparing you that pain and allowing you to focus on the good times the two of you shared. Your granny is a very wise and kind person. I see her as being the type of person who would always put the health and happiness of those she loves ahead of her own anyday. You are very blessed to have her in your life, and she is very blessed to have you as well.
On another note, I am saddened by the fact your blog is in its final days. I will miss it very much. Thank you for allowing us to share in your life for so long. God bless you. I wish you and the attorney nothing but the best in life and all the happiness you can stand.
July 19th, 2008 at 5:06 pm
Gee whiz Tony. I just don’t know what to say. You guys all love each other so much. How can it all be so complicated like this? Granny is obviously sacrificing herself by going to the institution to get out of your way and my first instinct would be not to let her do it. Yet, at some point she will need assistance with her care and so will you. Thankfully she knows that. That is a blessing. She will have many of her peers there to talk to during the day. That is also a blessing. The big question is when should all of this happen? I would not sweat it right now. I would wait for a sign. I know it sounds religious, which I consider moronic, but that is what I would do. I hope everything works out for all you. Take care!
July 19th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
I understand the Superman complex; I understand you wanting a life; I understand your Granny not wanting to get in the way. This is one that your heart will tell you what to do. Pay a lot of attention. Luckily, your love for Granny, and the attorney’s and your common sense and knowledge can weed out annoying details of whether or not assisted living (within your budget) is the right thing. I suppose it comes down to that for all of us. With my grandmother, she wanted her independence (which we probably let go a little longer than we should have). With my mother, she wanted her independence (and was lucky enough to keep it until the end). But I don’t think you can just stick someone away and live with yourself afterwards– not if you really love them like you love your Granny. Or it may require a lot fo weekend visits, but nothing is going to keep you from knowing what feels right for you. Does that make sense? Listen to your heart on this.
July 19th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
Sometimes I think we must be soul twins. I am exactly the same way. I analyze over much, attempting to qualify the whyfors of everything. I, too, have been called Joan of Arc. I think it may be because I often feel unworthy of the love offered to me. Someone told me recently that I need to learn to accept from others the same unstinting love, I give out. I think part of it is that there is this fathoms deep aspect of me that, sadly, believes that, ultimately, I can only count on myself. I need to change that.
July 20th, 2008 at 10:14 am
Reading your blog over the years has made me jump to the conclusions that you have sacrificed a part of your life- ever so lovingly and selfishly, to take care of Granny because 1) you love her and 2) you are a bit of a loner yourself.
Maybe it is her way of making her own destiny or maybe she finally feels comfortable in the fact that since the loss of your parents she has finished her own job in raising YOU!
July 20th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Tony you are such a loving and caring individual. But I know for a fact that none of us are Superman. We can’t change anything that is destined to happen. We can only ride along during the moments. Just when I was having a really good time with my mom, things changed. When I went back East to help, in the back of my mind I had to accept that it would be the last time I would get to spend any time with her.
I think granny is wondering why you haven’t started the “what about Me?” ” When is it my turn?” point in your life. Maybe this is a way of testing you to see where you stand.
It is funny to see that Granny can still push buttons when it comes to you. My siblings would call me all the time to vent about our mom. I would have to laugh at them, because of the same thing. She could push their buttons. I think it is one of the reasons she never came to live with us (the bf and I). We didn’t let her get away with it. We didn’t treat her like a child, didn’t make the decisions for her, forced her o think about stuff on he own. In an essence, she didn’t feel like we needed her.
The day will come when you won’t have a choice and Granny and you will need some help. Make sure you see it for what it is and accept it. You and Granny are only human and we sometimes forget just how frail that can make us.
A couple of people have commented about you being a loner…I’m not sure that is totally correct. I think you have spent so much timing taking care of someone, that you haven’t had the chance to experience life for yourself. The attorney is slowly changing that, which I bet is pretty scary itself? By reading you blog for so long, I think you might have a hard time giving up some control. Am I right, maybe just a little?
You know it’s OK. No one will think any less of you. Everyone has been or will be in a similar situation at some point. It is just the cycle of life. We just have a harder time recognizing it when it involves ’self’.
love Granny, love the attorney, but also, make sure you save some for yourself. You are a good guy and I too will miss when you stop blogging!
Jim (AKA Tonka)
July 20th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
remember the old joke: Sometimes i wake up grumpy, but most morning i let him sleep.
As one who gets cranky easily too (not the most patient person, ever) i’ve figured out by now lack of sleep or stress in general fuels my grumpiness immensely. Being self-objective about it is the hardest part.
As to the assisted living conundrum: we recently had to make that choice for my mom, due to her Alzheimer’s. We witnessed it prior with her own mother, my Big Mama (our name for the “Granny” in my life). My only slightly younger aunt (my mom’s sister) has now had to see it happen twice (to her mom and now my mom) and fears it for herself eventually. However, all these strong women, konwing all the pros and cons, individually decided it was the right thing to do and let us all know that as well. Socialized guilt is a very powerful thing. If assisted living is the right course, it will take a lot of adjustment for all concerned. There is nothing “natural” about it, as much as all try to make it so. Yet, it is survivable, and it is not irreversible should you try it and it not suit as well as you’d all hoped.
To slightly “Southern-ize” your friend’s advice of “just let yourself be happy”, i’d suggest the well-worn phrase “don’t borrow trouble.” Your intentions are noble, so are Granny’s, and so are the At-Tony’s. Balancing all those into one coherent plan will be delicate, but worthwhile, work. Concentrate on the god intentions and the shared goal. You have the aptitude for it. Just let it happen slowly, take time to de-stress and get enough rest, and this too will pass.
July 20th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Sounds like a rough week Tony. I hope you have a better week this week. I hope you and Granny will be able to come to an agreement that satisfies you both, without stressing you out too much. For what it’s worth theres a man in NC, wishing you and your Granny the best.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:57 pm
Just remember one of the seven deadly sins is pride. Don’t let yours get the best of you.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:59 pm
BTW…your granny is a very wise woman.
July 23rd, 2008 at 7:11 pm
Love your Granny. Now get down off that cross, mkay?
July 24th, 2008 at 10:09 am
*HUGS*
July 24th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Oh boohoo
…maybe she’d like an adventure too?
Maybe she’d like you to fly the nest?
Perhaps it’s time for a change?
July 25th, 2008 at 9:30 am
Tony, I have so much to say about this……. My bestfriend from childhood (yes, he is married with 3 kids, knows I’m gay, and still calls me his best friend) just called me this week and is in Cleveland because his 95 year-old “granny” had a massive stroke. We have been “granny” talkin’ for days and all I have to offer, for now, is that they (grannies) speak a language that you sometimes have a hard time understanding when you are there on a daily basis, like studying French all thru school, but not getting it until you wake up in Paris. Wisdom is very hard to interpret, on occassion. I know, it’s the damndest thing, right?
Anywho, Granny knows that you are fulfilled in an area of your life that you thought she didn’t know about (but probably did before you grew the LARGE part of Tony).
She has met the one who has brought joy to your life
While appreciating all you have done for her, appreciates even more the happiness that you are experiencing now (not far-fetched to think she has been hoping, even praying for it, for some time).
She wants to get out of your way, simply said. If she has to do it with a sharp tounge, sobeit. Perhaps that is what she has always had to do to get you to take her seriously.
She is happy for you. Just let yourself believe it (even if it is mixed with a couple of tablespoons of jealousy). All of these years taking care of her, she has really been taking care of you. She sees you happy and is now content to let you be. It is what she has longed for. Now that she has seen it, she will do everything to propegate it further. Even though she went into “Grumps” mode on you, she was still encouraging you to move forward.
FORWARD, my friend, and take Granny every step of the way. You will all be richer for the effort.
July 25th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
My take is that she’s giving you the gift of freedom to live your life for yourself more fully. You’ve taken care of her very well for a long time and now she’s bowing out–out of love, perhaps masked by crankiness because it’s easier that way.
July 30th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
If she wants to go, then by all means let her make the decision so that you don’t have to. I don’t know if she has people that come and visit her during the day so maybe she is looking for some continuous companionship?
And she probably sees this as an opportunity to allow you some freedom.
Be happy that you have her around. By the time I was 22, all of my grandparents were deceased…that was 24 years ago.