Fear, Foolishness, and Flags
The picture above comes from Kelly at Rambling Along in Life…. It’s tradition for him to to post a picture on his blog throughout June (Pride Month…as if I need to tell any of you that) and encourage his blog colleagues to post same picture and “spread the rainbow.” This year he has also requested that those of us who participate tell a story of coming out, not coming out, pride, etc.
It’s a very timely request for me, given what happened last week with Granny, and how it continued on Saturday night:
I had just gotten Granny to bed and we were watching the late news on the little TV on her dresser. That’s when we found out it was going to be official that Obama would be the Democratic nominee.
She joked that now that a black man has a chance to run the country she knew for sure that her time left in this world coming to a close. Before you get the wrong idea, she wasn’t saying that a black president would kill her. She was saying that now there wasn’t much she had not seen.
Given that she has lived since Woodrow Wilson and voted since FDR, she probably has see all kinds of things.
“All kinds of foolishness,” she answered. “And foolishness is what made it take this long,” she said.
I asked her if she was going to vote for Obama, this very likely being her last election.
“A gentleman doesn’t ask how one is likely to vote,” she said, reminding me of my manners. “But, I will say that I am glad this young man didn’t let foolishness stand in his way.”
“Foolishness is just fear acting out,” she explained with a wave of her hand, as if it was nothing that deserved serious attention. “Things change and when they do, folks feel like they are losing control. Foolishness is just fear, plain and simple.”
She reached out to me, a bit blind without her glasses on, she grabbed my forearm when she was going for my hand. But, she still held on. “You don’t have to concern yourself about any foolishness from me, you understand? Because I don’t fear it.”
‘IT,’ of course, was the elephant in the closet.
“I suspect you thought you were protecting me from something I wouldn’t want to know. I’m just sick with regret that I made you feel that way. We’re all guilty of some sort of foolishness, I suppose.”
I was glad at this point that she can’t see very well. Otherwise she might have seen the puddles in my eyes. I don’t know whether it was because of her expression of unconditional love or just the release of ten or twelve years of self-imposed tension.
“You can’t fear what you know, honey. And you know I love you. So, don’t you be foolish and don’t let foolishness get in your way, either.”
I’m going to do my best to not.
NOTE: If you want to “spread the rainbow,” please do. You can get the original image at Kelly’s.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:33 am
Man I love your Granny… and would you stop making me cry goddamit!
June 11th, 2008 at 5:57 am
When the wise speak with years of mounting wisdom, no longer are they weary of life and the tears we weep water lovingly their final years.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:07 am
Tony, thank you for sharing that. It was quite moving.
In my own life I have found frequently that older people are much more open and accepting than we given them credit for. It is the ones in the middle - who are fearful of what they will lose when things change and -as your Granny said - act with “foolishness” out of their fear.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:38 am
Tony, I am so happy for you. I’ve wondered for some time when Granny would have this talk with you. She approached it with love and caring and none of that other foolishness. Eloquence is in your genes, Tony. It is posts like these that we all will miss when you shut this site down.
Bravo, Granny! Bravo, Tony!
Now, where’s my tissue?
June 11th, 2008 at 7:35 am
Oh, Tony, I just want to reach out and give you and Granny a big hug! I hope you now have the confidence to come out to Granny directly, and then bring the 2 loves of your life together, to finally meet and talk and complete the circle of your heart!
You’ve given me another sweet “smiling cry” moment –thank you for sharing!
June 11th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Magic happens frequently in this world, Tony. And you just experienced a heaping helping of it, friend.
What a great, great gift you’ve given her. And she’s obviously returned the favor.
Bless you.
Bless her.
For you both bless us all.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:56 am
Granny is such an amazing woman. Thanks for sharing her with us. You are such an amazing man. Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:33 am
You constantly surprise me. Thanks for a great post and one that I get to carry the rest of the week!
We often forget that those that have seen the most, lived the longest, gone through the most pain,… are the wisest.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:14 pm
This is no surprise to me that you chose to STAR “Granny” once again in your blog post. You got 46 comments before in the infamous coolwhip ratings smash, so you figured you would roll her out again, huh? I am so glad I had my own 47 comment post about Obama or I would feel so unpopular.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
Aren’t Grandmothers terrific!?! Your’s certainly is. She sounds lovely, classy, and quite wise. Definitely shows where you get it from.
June 11th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
coming out or being outed - either of them - sometimes it happens all at once - or just one important person at a time. I’m so happy for you & your Granny - thanks for sharing the 2nd part of that.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
dude, that’s awesome! you should go buy your Granny a big tub of Cool Whip!
June 11th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
Add another profound statement from Granny to the already long list of tender truths she has spoken.
” Foolishness is just fear acting out “… I have no doubt that she was a fair and wonderful educator during her career because she still is.
When your blog ceases, I think I’ll miss news of Granny most.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:36 pm
I can’t imagine how important it was for you to hear your granny say that. Maybe you should have let her you see you cry so she would know. Eh, she probably does. You can’t seem to pull anything over on her. What a treasure you have in granny!
June 11th, 2008 at 4:46 pm
That was really touching, Tony. I missed last week’s and just read that one as well. I’m very happy you have a granny that sounds so great!
June 11th, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Maybe Granny should jump on the Television bandwagon and start her own sort of Dr. Phil show. I have no doubt that you + me + granny + glass of iced sweet tea = a great afternoon.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
Larga vida Abuela!
And now, I have to go find my box of tissues.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:56 pm
Now things have really come full circle! I guess a nice little lunch on the porch with you, Granny and The Attorney is in order, no?
It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:21 pm
Not only is eloquence in your genes, but also the love you display in every post. I often think our capacity to love unconditionally comes from having been loved unconditionally. You and granny know a lot about that from each other. No reason to fear. No reason to fear at all.
June 12th, 2008 at 4:08 am
It is heart-warming to see her reach out to you and let you know she loves you no matter what. I’m incredibly happy for you my friend.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:10 am
This is one of the best. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you graduate. But I’m not suicidal.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
Sweet.
June 12th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
Ok this is the third time in a months time I have cried reading your blog…
Granny is a classy Lady one that will be missed in this world
June 12th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
If you haven’t seen Big Eden, there is a great scene with the main character and his grandfather that your encounter just reminded me of. It was one of the better scenes in gay cinema if you ask me. ….but this one is good too. : )
June 12th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
LT - count me in with your legions of fans when I say THANK YOU for sharing your life and your Granny’s life with us all. She is an absolute treasure in this world and she obviously feels you are a treasure to her. I’m way ahead of you now though because I keep a box of tissues beside my computer so I’m always prepared - bring on the heartwarming stories we all love you to tell us in that simply stated and brilliant manner you do! If I knew your address, I’d send Granny an application to PFLAG - and who knows, she might decide she’d like to see an LGBTQ Pride Parade before she leaves us so she truly can say she’s seen it all
June 13th, 2008 at 7:40 am
That’s such a moving story, Tony. Sometimes our loved ones can surprise us in really wonderful ways. My grandpa, when he was 100 years old, said to me out of the blue “There have always been a lot of queers in our family, you know.” (As a third-grade educated man, he knew no other word to use.) “And it never made no real difference to me. You know I love you, and I know your young man [he could never remember Darren's name] makes you happy, and that’s all that matters. You’re a good boy.”
I was sort of speechless for a minute, and by the time I thought of some reply, Grandpa was on to some story about a cow he raised in 1913 for the Minnesota State Fair. I could almost think I dreamed the moment, but my sisters where there, too, so I have witnesses.
I’m very happy for you!
June 13th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
I love your Granny. Thanks for the story. I’ll admit, I’m all teary.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:20 pm
Damn, Tony, you blindsided me there…how’m I supposed to eat my lunch while I read your blog if I’m crying spontaneously like that. Such a happy moment, though…hug her extra for all of us, eh?
Happy Pride.
June 13th, 2008 at 9:01 pm
You are a special guy Tony. My grandma knew too. She cared about my partner even though she never got to know him (which I regret deeply) that well — although she fixed him and I one of the best meals we ever ate. She even sent us a greeting card. Love him Tony! Love her too! But don’t ever give up, you good guy.
June 14th, 2008 at 12:53 am
Brought tears to my eyes again. Your granny is something special.
So are you.
*HUGS*
June 14th, 2008 at 4:18 pm
Very nice. Last year my mom died and several weeks before she died she asked me if I thought I would be with Charles (partner of 13 years) for a long time, I told her yes and she said that would be nice since he’s a part of this family. Even though we don’t tell them they can sense when we are happy. good post Tony.
June 14th, 2008 at 6:36 pm
Come to think of it, even dogs grow wiser with age. Cats don’t because they are born wise. Chicken just stay foolish. So do many people. Take George Bush …
June 15th, 2008 at 12:29 am
I’m using that picture on my blogheader now. At least for this month.
June 15th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Cool.
June 16th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
It is always so moving to hear about those folks out there living with quiet wisdom, not letting change be a frightening thing. Your Granny is an inspiration; I’ve met some old people who have shrunken, or rusted with age. Life wore them down, or they let it, and now they try, to no avail, to protect their safe, unchanging little worlds. Then there are the magnificent folks like Granny, who have truly GROWN into their years, gaining insight, empathy and compassion (though of course maybe she was always this compassionate; she’s obviously always been special). I’m so happy for you Tony. What a wonderful thing to have experienced. Thanks so much for sharing it with us.
June 16th, 2008 at 11:13 pm
Your fear is probably losing your grandmother, but in fact, she is such the building block of your every being. Your foolishness, to think that she knows you as anything but you are and always have been to her. And your flag, ever so quietly waving in the stillness is not your pride for being gay but your very being of yourself and her second soul.
But I would hold off on showing the htn posts with her!
July 2nd, 2008 at 3:28 am
Tony, I have deliberately waited until I could put my words together properly to comment on this post. We are kindred spirits in that we are both East Tennessee boys, and that we have those beautiful creatures in our lives that we call “Granny”. The wisdom that imparts itself from every word uttered from their mouths is worth clinging to with every fiber of our beings. I lost mine a few years ago, but she understood, just as yours does. Never judging or offering condemnation, she wanted to be a part of “that part” of my life too.
All of that to say this. She wants to meet him. I am sure he wants to meet her. If you have not already remedied this, please do not deprive either of them of the joy of KNOWING the “other” person in Tony’s life. Both of their lives (not to mention yours) will be the richer for it.
I will continue to read until that “fat lady” sings. She will have to be awful fat to get “dicky-do” disease around you. Maybe I will run into you and the Attorney at Neyland Stadium this fall!