Cool Whip For The Soul
Drop a bit more Cool whip on there for me, will ya?”
Granny held out her plate of half-eaten pound cake in my direction.
“I’ll bring it out here,” I said getting up and heading to the kitchen from the screened porch.
“You don’t want to open that out here,” she nagged at me. We had been to the doctor earlier in the day and I guess the good report had her feeling feisty. “It’s too hot. It will puddle.”
“It will not puddle in the five seconds it takes to scoop it out.”
“When did you learn so much about Cool-Whip?” she challenged to my back as i left her. “You don’t even eat it.”
I couldn’t argue her last point. She was right. I don’t eat Cool Whip. I can’t stand the stuff. Not because it’s fake whipped cream. I can’t tolerate real whipped cream much, either. It’s a texture thing. I like my food like I like my men: hearty and firm. Besides, I’m convinced it’s made of PVC or something. It won’t puddle in a thousand years.
I brought the bowl out to the porch and put a spoonful of the goop on her plate. It killed me to see her ruin good pound cake with it. What’s worse, the deed was done by my own hand. Her orders, my hand. I’m the hunter sent to murder Snow White in the forest and Granny is the Evil Queen.
On my way to return the Cool Whip to the refrigerator, my cell phone hummed on the counter where I had left it. I had forgotten I put it on vibrate at the doctor’s office.
I can probably count on two hands the number of people who have my cell phone number, so it’s a high probability that I can guess who’s calling. And even though the Attorney’s number came up, I still answered with the same “Hello?” that I do on the house phone. The “hello” with a question mark. Like I don’t know who is on the line. I guess it’s habit.
We chatted for a moment. He was about to go on a run. I had dinner dishes to clean up. So, we agreed he’d call again later.
I went back out on the porch and waited for Granny to finish dessert.
“Was somebody by?” she asked. She had heard me talking in the kitchen.
“No,” I replied. “I was on the phone.”
“I didn’t hear it ring. Who was it?”
I explained to her that is was the cell phone on vibrate and that it was my friend [The Attorney].
She couldn’t place who he was, so I told her they have yet to meet.
“That’s his pound cake we’re eating, ” I said. Keeping a tradition that Granny and I have, I made the Attorney a pound cake for his birthday last week. I knew that he couldn’t (wouldn’t) eat an entire pound cake, so I split it in two and kept half.
From that, she determined that the Attorney and I must be close.
I told her that he was probably about my best friend.
“I got the feeling that you were talking to somebody you were fond of. You talked real sweet.” The words slipped across her gums as effortlessly as the Cool Whip did. And the cat got my tongue.
For a moment neither of us said a word. It seemed like the whole world got quiet, poised for my response. All I can remember hearing was the sound of somebody’s tires churning the gravel on a distant road and the irregular “thump, thump…thump” of insects dive-bombing into the screens, mixed with the regular “thump” of my increasing heartbeat.
“Does he talk sweet to you, too?’ she decided to pursue on her own.
“Yes ma’am. I guess he does.”
Thump, thump…thump…
“Good.”
June 4th, 2008 at 10:02 am
I guess she’s not that old.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:07 am
Oh, my heart just melted!
June 4th, 2008 at 10:08 am
Not to be confused with puddling cool whip.
June 4th, 2008 at 10:10 am
AWWWwww. Those that love us simply want us to be happy. But that couldn’t have been a sweeter story
June 4th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Ha ha, And here you thought you were being discreet! Proves that women are more observant than men!
Sweet story Tony!
June 4th, 2008 at 10:39 am
Had me crying like a baby! What must the office mate be thinking? You are one lucky man. A loving man in the Attorney and a dear sweet grandmother who loves you and only wishes you happiness.
June 4th, 2008 at 11:26 am
That is just SO sweet! You can tell her that I think she’s THE coolest grandma I’ve ever read about!
June 4th, 2008 at 11:29 am
Granny rocks!
When we have dinner, I guess I shouldn’t serve you chocolate mousse. Not firm enough.
June 4th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
my heart just exploded - Pete turned out to be about as fortunate with his Gramma.
June 4th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
That’s such a sugary sweet story.
June 4th, 2008 at 2:01 pm
crying at my desk…again.
June 4th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Oh, great…thanks. For bringing me to tears again today (after writing my post today in honor of my Mom’s birthday). I love granny. I can just tell. Plus, I knew it way back when she was praying for my sister. You all are good people. I just know it.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:19 pm
I read a beautiful post like this and it pains me to think you might stop blogging.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Your writing was simple and sweet just like Granny. Can’t tell me she doesn’t know more than you think. Plus, I milk cows. I’m with you. There isn’t anything like real whipped cream. Try tossing a spoonful of Cool Whip in the sink overnight. It doesn’t even melt. It’s one molecule from plastic. Still I love your writing and will miss it when you Graduate, but I’m expecting you to move on to Master’s work. You’re a master at so many things already. Give Granny a hug from all of us who’ve lost theirs and miss them terribly.
June 4th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Hello Tony
Gran’s are soooooooooo smart. My Gran came right out and asked me.Should I bother making the guest room up. Or will Robert be spending the night in your room again.She was 86 then ,that was 10 years ago. Now 10 years later Robert is her Favorite Grandson.He gets what ever he wants.LOL
June 4th, 2008 at 7:12 pm
That’s fantastic… very very sweet.
June 4th, 2008 at 7:30 pm
Dammit… you made my eyes water… so sweet… you are very fortunate…
June 4th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
I’m grinning from ear to ear. Bless her heart, she get’s it.
Bless your heart too, Tony. You are indeed a loved and quite fortunate man.
Pass some of that Cool Whip my way would ya’? Perhaps I could develop a taste for it after all. I think I could use a little sweetness right about now.
June 4th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I guess the cat’s out of the bag.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:04 am
I have been perusing your blog for the past year or so and as a professional writer, I have to say that you definitely have a distinctive voice. I understand that you are on the verge of discontinuing this particlar avenue of expression and I would like to say that you should not waste your gift.
Not many can say things so heartfelt in such a succinct manner. I encourage you to consider professional reapresentation. As a person who studies such things for a living, trustt me when I say good writing is indeed a rare animal.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:34 am
Granny knows sweet. She is happy for you, real happy.
June 5th, 2008 at 5:37 am
That’s twice in recent posts you’ve made me tear up… damn you Tony!
June 5th, 2008 at 6:03 am
Ha! Granny’s got your number. Very sweet story. I never knew my grandmother, cherish these moments.
June 5th, 2008 at 6:44 am
Pound cake.
Good.
June 5th, 2008 at 7:18 am
See, this is the impossibly cool thing about elderly people: They. Have. Seen. It. All. Just when you think they’re old and crotchety and feeble and uninformed, they come out with these moments of simple, blazing honesty and truth.
And that’s when you find out: People who have lived long enough to See. It. All. know what the real stuff is.
And the real stuff is Love.
June 5th, 2008 at 8:33 am
It’s so nice to know that you’re surrounded by love.
June 5th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I just had to comment again, after reading the other replies to this sweet post. I feel like I am in a very special club with you folks, sharing the magic of Tony and his blog. Your comments really enhance Tony’s posts for me, in an awesome, moving way. Thank you for brightening my world!
June 5th, 2008 at 1:15 pm
… and you talk sweet to us. This was utterly beautiful. Like many others, my eyes misted. “Good”. Simplicity at its best. Your lovely Granny has it right. She wants you to be happy.
June 5th, 2008 at 3:27 pm
After cleaning the water works up, I am laughing heartily. I knew it, I fraking knew it! Clearly her way of letting you know she loves you no matter what. Granny’s are smart and they pic of up things we think they miss…
When I finally had the gumption to tell my grandma, she told me she had known for years. Being from a different era she added, “sometimes god makes people so sweet they can’t help but be that way. Doesn’t make you bad, just makes you special.”
I heart your Granny!
June 5th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
count me in; i’m grinning away about granny.
she rocks!
June 5th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Awww, that’s a sweet story. Now I’m hungry for your pound cake.
June 5th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Sitting here with a big smile and my eyes all wet…. Life is good
June 5th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
There is so much junk in the blogsphere, that when you find a small gem, it takes your breath away. Reading this simple story, where you can actually hear the silences, reminds me that true love does exist in the world. As “Cooper’s Corridor” has ended (or at least it won’t come up on my computer anymore), you are the only blogger that I’m reading right now who is this evocative…
June 6th, 2008 at 5:31 am
Uh huh - sure she knew! David_M is right - old folks have seen it all. And Granny’s one of those who understands what’s important and what’s real in life.
I’m sure largetony has been mighty scarce around the house the past few months, probably whistling to himself, a look of happy anticipation on his face as he makes sure everything at home is just right before he hops into his truck and rushes off to see his best friend…
You’re a lucky man! What a sweet lady.
June 6th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Tony…I’m amazed. Fantastic story. I grew up in the hills of Missouri in a small town (population 2600). By the time I was ready to come out, I had convinced myself that none of my family would be able to deal with it. My mom, dad, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins…no one ever batted an eye. “As long as you’re happy, that’s what counts.” I’ve heard it over and over again from my entire redneck, white trash family. They love my partner, welcome him into their lives and homes. Say what you want about small-town people; they don’t always have a small mind.
June 6th, 2008 at 8:17 pm
Now we all know where you got a lot of that simplistic and beautiful depth from - Granny passed it on to her loving grandson…
June 6th, 2008 at 10:14 pm
Wow. Sweet.
June 7th, 2008 at 8:42 am
Tony… Incredibly sweet. There’s much love between you and your grandma. It’s touching.
June 7th, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Your Grandma Knows! Tony you really should allow Grandma to meet Attorney. It could prove to be a worthwhile thing.
I remember meeting my guys grandmother, it was like I had known this woman for eternity and likewise for her too. It was erie, yet comforting and uncondional acceptance.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:12 am
Tell her the rest - it will do her heart good to know you have someone. …and they have you.
June 8th, 2008 at 7:43 pm
Your grandma sounds real sweet! You are a lucky boy. Sounds like she knows what’s going on.
June 8th, 2008 at 8:31 pm
No, don’t tell her the rest. Show her.
Five minutes of seeing you and the Attorney being even moderately affectionate and relaxed would speak volumes to her.
But I thoroughly agree with Blobby: you could give her an incredible gift at this stage of her life. Seeing you happy and fulfilled in someone else’s arms…
June 9th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
My Grandpa used to say, I don’t care if he is gay, I just want him to visit more.. (and make me some of that pie)
June 9th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Mothers and Grandmothers always know. You don’t need to spell it out. But let her meet him. It will make you all happy.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:27 pm
That - well that is the sound of wisdom! (and no I am not literally talking about the thump thump thump)
June 11th, 2008 at 4:48 am
I adore your Granny!!!!
She sounds like my Auntie Mouse….
June 11th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
holy shit.. you make life on that country road sound better and better every day…she might be old, but she can sharpen her pencil when she needs to.. i love this story..
June 12th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
awww. that is so bloody sweet.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:54 pm
OMG I just started bawling reading that.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:52 am
I don’t think there is much more I can say here that hasn’t already been said. But I just wanted to lend my voice to the groundswell of support. You’re a lucky man: loved, respected and understood (by at least two important people in your life) and thats a wonderful thing to have.
I’m a little envious also, but after reading though some of your recent posts I’ll leave your sire feeling a little bit warmer inside.
Thank you.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:24 pm
I’m never gonna finish my lunch at this point, but good Lord, I love your granny as much as I love my own!
June 28th, 2008 at 2:02 am
Forget the Coolwhip, my heart just puddled!!
July 4th, 2008 at 4:03 pm
I’ve only recently discoverd your blog and I can’t tell you how much joy it’s brought to me since. I’m sorry to hear you’re moving on, but change is good for the life cycle and I certainly commend you for realizing it’s time and taking the next steps to learning more about what life has in store.
I’ll miss your stories of Granny and the Attorney, and your amazing ability to make life real when sometimes we forget. You’ve made me laugh out loud and well up with tears (or puddles as you put it) and I gratefully thank you for touching my heart.If you ever write a book I’ll be the first in line.
Thank you for sharing a little of your life in such a genuine and loving way.
Much love and happiness to you and yours…
Richard
August 26th, 2008 at 10:34 pm
this is possibly the sweetest thing i have ever heard.. i see jessica tandy in the movie version talking to you (who could be played by any number of leading men) but it’s one of the best moments in the movie.. i love it i love it i love it