Gaseous Discharges
George Bush is fucking up my relationship.
Technically it’s oil prices that’s fucking things up. But it’s not like he’s connected.
Gas around here hit $3.25 today. Last time I saw it that high was in 2005 after Katrina. It went to $3.30 then. That’s the highest I have ever seen gasoline. And now we are almost back at it.
Without a natural disaster. Just a national disaster. See above.
Anyway, an hour and a half each way to see the attorney is starting to get pricey. And what was once a couple of times a month has, over time, grown into a couple of times a week (sometimes more).
So, I told the attorney that I’m going to have to cut back on the road trips for a while.
Now I understand that it was probably like telling a child that carnival has boarded and there are no more rides on the Tony Baloney.
But that’s not what started the argument.
It didn’t start there because he had a solution: he would pay for my gas. “Mileage reimbursement” is actually the term he used.
Step right up, folks! The midway is open!
I didn’t like the solution.
That’s what started the argument.
You always hear that money is the single greatest source of tension in a relationship. I guess it’s true. Most of the differences the attorney and I have had can be traced to money. Not because I have a moderate amount and he has a ton. But because that’s his ton and I don’t feel like he should be spending it on me.
I mean, we’re not talking picking up the check at dinner. We’re not talking putting both movie tickets on his credit card just because it’s easier. We’re talking, at the current price of gas, a few hundred dollars a month.
I couldn’t live with myself.
He also offered to split the costs since we both benefit.
Call it pride or whatever, but I have always felt that, no matter what, if I can’t do it myself, then I’m not doing it.
But, the attorney is taking it personally.
It’s not just that he has a “what’s mine is yours” attitude while I want to maintain my independence. It’s that he sees it as a sign that I am losing interest and pulling away.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I wish that we lived close enough that I could see him every day. And I have told him so. I just don’t want to be beholden to anyone.
But, I guess when you’re barking those feelings at each other, it’s harder to accept.
Like gas prices. Getting harder to accept.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I used to date someone who lived 5 hrs away. We saw each other on weekends, which mostly meant me driving to see him. Eventually I moved to the city he was living in, we dated, while still maintaining separate places, then finally moved in together.
Whether the issue is gas prices (here they’ve reached $3.40), money, someone’s past, maintaining a sense of independence or whatever, eventually you have to decide what is this relationship all about, what do you & him want it to be & then make it happen, regardless of any obstacles in your way.
Good luck & if you each other, what else could matter?!
April 16th, 2008 at 11:12 am
If ya care about him, suck it up & take the milage reimbursement. You’ll get to see him and you will allay his fears. It’s not about you, singular anymore, it’s about you, plural.
April 16th, 2008 at 11:13 am
uh, “mileage.” sorry.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
Gas or “petrol” here have reached about $6.00 a gallon (using conversion from AUD to USD & Litres to Gallons…)
April 16th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Gas is hovering around 3.50 – 3.95 for regular, here in OR!
Tony-
My relationship was much the same in its first couple years (Pete & I relate to you two quite a bit). Pete was able to help me out, after I battled myself in much the same way you seem to be.
Please think of this – He doesn’t want miles or money to slow down the frequency of time together that you guys have become accustomed to. And you feel somewhat the same way. He knew a way to make it work and offered it. “Mileage reimbursement” is technical & cold, but like I said, he was trying to make it work.
Splitting the cost is a good idea, Tony. Perhaps the first “joint cost” your relationship may require. Early on, Pete & I started a joint checking account to pay for our groceries & entertainment; Something we could each deposit whatever we wanted into and share responsibility for. I had insisted we match our deposit amounts, and we still do. Even though its for paying lots of bills & our mortgage now too =) This has worked for us, something similar might be in order for you guys now. Neither of you is beholden to nothing more than the gas fund in a time of gas crisis.
I hope you don’t cut back on your time together. I’m sure you’ll reach a compromise, and the only thanks or obligation you need to show is what you’ve always done; make the trips worthwhile for both of you, and treasure each others’ company.
-Kory
April 16th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
Tony,
Pay for what you can, and let him pay the gas reimbursement. Running a web site we have hired attorneys at $300/hour and $445/hour. Time is money. So look at it as he is paying for the time you are on the road to come visit him. It would be a problem if you expected it and demanded payment, but you are not. What you do is pay for the gas you can afford and let him pay the rest, and always remember, he doesn’t always have to pay.
When I started dating my partner, I had no debt. He had about $8000.00 in credit card debt. From time to time I would help him pay off the debt, knowing its a partner ship. He didn’t like it, but I reminded him it was an us thing and in the grand scheme it was all good, and I would not ask for repayment or haul his ass in front of Judge Judy if we split.
Since we both made different amounts, we decided to total up the bills and do percentages for how much we would each pay. When we started the split was 40/60 so on a $100 phone bill, he would pay $40 and I would pay $60. As we each got raises we would adjust that amount +/- Its worked for 17 years now and still does.
/Andy
April 16th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
His offer to help cover traveling expenses is not generous or kind. It is practical. He has offered a solution to the problem so the both of you will not suffer each others absence because of money and pride. Having said that, I too would not except the money. Gallon of regular gas in California: $3.87 and climbing.
April 16th, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Relationships are rarely 50/50. Whatever your monthly gas budget is should be put on a prepaid debit card and the attorney should be able to add to that card as needed. The card is for gas only. No money changes hands and surplus funds can be monitored. The maintenance on your vehicle(tires, tune-ups,etc.) is on you. Bring him a pound cake from time to time!
April 16th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
Don’t overanalyze, boys. Keep it SIMPLE and keep it REAL. It’s very hard to not add to/take away from the simplicity of life and relationships. So, he wants to help out with the gas…..let him. It’s a win-win for both of you…..and your time together is worth it.
April 16th, 2008 at 8:00 pm
One more vote for valuing a good relationship above almost anything else. ‘What’s his is his, what’s yours is yours’, can’t there be an ‘ours’ too? He’s just trying to make the travel a joint ‘endeavor’. Does he ever come to you? If not, and you do all the driving and all the traveling he just wants to share the effort with you. How does that threaten your independence? Pride maybe, but independence? I’m not sure the issue is gas prices, but rather what do you want from this relationship? Sharing? Growing together? What?
April 16th, 2008 at 8:40 pm
As I am sure you already know, money cannot buy love. It might rent it for a little while, however.
A former coworker and his partner who were at very different income levels, took the individual incomes divided by their combined income. So if person x’s income was 60%, he would pay 60% of expenses, vacations, etc. while his partner would pay 40%. It seemed to work fine for them. There is nothing wrong with the attorney wanting the two of you to be together and willing to help make that happen. Remember relationships are give and take and keep in mind he’s helping the two of you because I suspect he care for you deeply and I think you care for him too.
April 16th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Accept the offer for reimbursement or agree to split to the cost. I would be flattered that someone was willing to share the cost of fuel.
I don’t have a ton of money but I get by with some to spare. I dated a guy whose salary was well below mine (he told me without me asking) and I really didn’t mind paying for us to do things and it ALWAYS bugged him. I never understood that.
He lived outside of the loop and everything that we liked to do was inside the loop so I knew he was spending money on gas and I figured it was the least I could do to pay for stuff.
If it’s about pride (which it was with him), set it aside and just be grateful that he wants to see you!
April 16th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
If it makes you feel a smidge better, take the split cost option. Tony, I know you hate people spending their money on you, but he clearly wants to see you. True, he shouldn’t take it personally, but understand why he would think that. You also want to see him. If it gets awkward, revisit it, but don’t let your pride halt something that you’ve wanted for a while. Sue? Any comments?
April 16th, 2008 at 10:26 pm
I’m sorry.
But there is this this inside your head.
I can see it through your ear.
Hold on.
Its just right there. (Reaches around Tony’s neck)
Hold it.
Yeah.
Almost got it.
SMACK!
Oh. It was yer brain.
Sorry. Slides it back in carefully.
Um, KA-duh!
Easy peasy, Simple Simon!
It’s called
P A R T N E R S H I P
April 17th, 2008 at 7:37 am
I have been in both situations where I dated someone who made more money than I did and someone who made less. I had no problems splitting costs with the person who made more than I did, though I made sure to pay my half proudly when I made less. Heck, I needed the help. When I made more, I didn’t really see the big deal. But, I was much younger than you are Tony and female. I would say, swallow your pride and take the cash. You guys will be together more. I like the idea of getting a gas card together. Prices will only go up from here.
I wish I could go down there to buy gas. Last fill up for my Jeep Wrangler was $54.
April 17th, 2008 at 9:45 am
Such a dilemma… I know your pain Tony, it reduces your masculinity and messes with your head to be handed cash for something you obviously cannot afford. The prepaid debit card is perfect in this respect, explain to him the cost of driving to and fro and let him fill up a debit card to be used solely for Gas. Use this rationale my friend. Let’s go back to when gas was a dollar less last year. So for each gallon it takes to fill up the truck add one dollar. 18 gallon tank 18 dollars.. It is simple fill the tank up 4-5 times a month comes to roughly 80 dollars a month.. It really is not that much money to get from a guy who really likes your company. Release the masculinity and introduce the reality. You know you can make it up in other ways. Your a handy guy!!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:25 am
WHAPPPP!!!
that was the sound me slappin you upside the head …
for the record, I think everyone who’s commented here loves you (as do I) and is looking out for your honest feelings and insecurities … and offering good and reasonable and practical advice … and are being way. too. fucking. nice. to you about this, you big lovable knucklehead!
get over it, you’re letting money get in the way of love … dude, you’re so much smarter than this!
April 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am
My first ever blog reply… (Love yours BTW!!!)
Life will allow you to pay him back in the future. Maybe monetarily. Maybe emotionally. Maybe physically
You WILL get the chance someday.
Life will not allow you to recapture the Sunday afternoon you could have spent in each others arms that you missed because of gas prices.
Hell Tony!- I have never met you, or even replied to your blog entries before, but in the interest of fostering an “honest-to-goodness” real gay relationship I would send you a gas card myself.
April 17th, 2008 at 11:55 am
I totally understand your issue with this because I am EXACTLY the same way. I have a very difficult time accepting gifts from anyone, and if money were involved, I simply couldn’t do it. Call it misplaced pride or whatever, but I have a very strong belief in taking care of myself. It has caused a few problems for me, too … and some hurt feelings. I’ve been called stubborn and pig-headed. Both are apt descriptions for me at times. Still, though, it’s very difficult to do something which goes against the grain of your own code of behavior, however misplaced it may be. I think for me it stems from my Nana drumming into me as a kid that you work hard, make do with what you have, and never ever accept hand-outs. I know this isn’t really a handout … you and the Attorney are a couple … but, it will take time for you to integrate that sharing some financial responsibilities is part of that.
Maybe just try and tell him how you feel, and why, in as calm a manner as you can. Tell him it has nothing to do with a lessening interest in him … Perhaps, dare I say it, tell him you are growing to love him. Yes … love.
April 17th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Tony, It sure seems like you are getting a resounding unanimous answer here, and I will agree. My last partner took a fellowship teaching at the University of Maryland. Being a position that was paid by grants, he seldom had the money to get back to Tennessee that often. So I flew to D.C. 2-3 times a month to see him on my dime. Not once did I count the cost, it was money and time well spent. He did have to do a little “pride swallowing” at first, but the first trip that I misssed, due to work, he sucked that pride right up and told me to get on the plane at the next chance. When I would get there, it was his dime that tooled us around in his car and we shared everything else. Money should not be an issue when building a loving relationship. It certainly doesn’t seem the attorney thinks so. I am sure any number of your readers would on any other occasion relish in the opportunity to have a go at it with you, but right now, it seems we are all cheering for you and the attorney. Give it a shot!
Gregg
April 17th, 2008 at 2:10 pm
Stop! Think! The guy loves you and you love him. Money is only a means to an end and that end is happiness. Let him help you. You’re not dependent. His reaction is natural and not in the slightest patronising; he simply cant’ do without you. Lose your stupid pride.
April 17th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
Buy a used honda civic. Mine gets 42 miles per gallon. Thats like a $6.00 road trip ! Don’t let this one get away buddy. He sounds like a keeper to me.
April 17th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
Those demons in your head are just that. For God’s sake, the man is an attorney. Its all about BILLABLE hours, expense accounts, etc. It just happens to carry on over into your personal life at times. I know as I live the BILLABLE bullshit in my career. Obviously you enjoy each others company and companionship. So, the sex is good too. Don’t make it into a pimp/whore relationship.
Or, put another way, if it was the other way around would you be willing to reimburse him the cost of petro?
As much as I hate saying this…..maybe Bush has done some good after all….if it shows how willing the attorney is to keep you in his life. OK, long fucking stretch on that one….accept my apology.
April 18th, 2008 at 10:44 am
Oh stop being awkward and grumpy…
Silly man.
April 18th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
So quit the “barking” and suck it up. Any relationship involves give and take. Hopefully you both get to give and take. Take care of Granny and consider moving to the city. They need good painters there.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
So many wise responses here–I’ll just second what they’ve all said–don’t deny yourself some happiness over the pride issue! Nothing else really matters.
April 18th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
Please don’t enter this danger zone, Tony!
You and the Attorney seem to have the “real deal” going. You need to continue nurturing your blossoming love story—-don’t let it be infested by something as mundane as money or as needless as pride!
April 18th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Yes, money and territory are always issues in a relationship, but (and how do I say this nicely), don’t be pig headed.
It is such an easy trap to fall into and it I have found (through my own experiences) that it is usually and escape route….or an easy way to undermine the relationship.
If you want to be offended, be so when he offers to pay per inch of a Tony Baloney sammich.
April 18th, 2008 at 11:08 pm
Look at all the passionate responses you’re getting. People who love for one another do for one another. Let him pick up the tab once in a while with the gas and you pick up the tab somewhere else. Rick picks up the tab a lot of the times with the stuff we do. We also both know I have a lot more expenses than he does. We work it out because that’s what we have to do. Hope we all helped a little.
April 19th, 2008 at 12:10 pm
Seriously?!
You’re seriously having an argument over GAS MONEY?! You just posted about trying to find an outdoor physical activity that you could do as a couple TOGETHER. That’s going to be awfully difficult to do if you’re trying to cut down on the number of times a week that you want to see your man. The attorney was only being logical AND caring, although I’m sure that it wasn’t from ENTIRELY pure motivations. (After all, it sounds like there’s a LONG list of reasons why he’d want to keep you around.)
But in all seriousness, look at how quickly he volunteered to help – he likes how often you get together and doesn’t want that to change. While you might be dating, I feel like it is moving to something more like a partnership. Do partners, even in business, actually pull 100% of their own weight? Is it even really a exactly equal 50/50 division? My answer would be no – they recognize what each other’s strengths and abilities are, and they choose to work with that person because they complement them. Realize that the attorney has the financial resources to ensure that you two can be together. Figure out an area that he is deficient in and fill that gap – maybe it is being handy around the house, baking him that pound cake, buying that special bottle of wine every once and awhile. Whatever it is, realize that this is HIS way of complementing you in your relationship, as he feels that you complement him.
Swallow your pride, and realize that your checkbook isn’t inextricably tied to how big your dick is – be thankful you have such a caring man that really wants to spend time with you. He offered as a gift; don’t be a big dick because your big dick won’t let you graciously accept his offer.
April 20th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Its a control issue. If you can’t control someone any other way you can make them angry and control them that way.
April 20th, 2008 at 3:18 pm
I must agree with what everyone here has said… When Jeff and I first got together he was the big bread winner, but we kept everything from the house to credit cards joint. We both put our paychecks into one account and paid everything we could. For several years he was the financial reason we got things…and i would do sweat equity (clean house, cook, paint, fix things just to let him relax)… last year he was unemployed for over 9 months and we because we were jointly associated on things and had made some headway with credit, we were able to get by on my salary for a while and pay bills… now he is employeed again and I have been promoted to a position where I will possible make more than him…. in the end as they say “it will all come out in the wash”… Get a gas card and let him pay part of the bill… i am sure seeing him is a very good feeling for you, why risk it… just do a little extra something nice for him when you visit from time to time… it will mean sooo much more… smooches
April 21st, 2008 at 7:58 am
Let it go – you have income disparity. Big deal. Let him reimburse you – it’s called getting over and getting through. Suck it up. He’s your partner, he wants to help, so let him. Wouldn’t you do the same in return if the reverse were true? This is just not worth an argument.
Now, arguing over sports teams – now THAT’s an argument worth having! Gas prices – not so much.
April 21st, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Humph, stop complaining about ‘gas’ prices, we’re paying the equivalent of $2.18 and over for a LITRE in the UK! If you’re putting gas prices over a relationship then perhaps it’s not the right one for you. Look for solutions fella not problems…! Sorry, harsh but fair!
April 24th, 2008 at 10:38 am
I’m one of those dreadful gay men who married, stayed married, sneaks a peek at websites like this even though I love my wife, want to stay married, want to stay in my closet, want m4m sex but most of the time simply do without.
Thing is, nothing is ever equal. I’m fat, bald, and ugly. If I find a partner he has something I don’t have: youth, looks and a very hard cock. Now I’ve never given anyone money and don’t plan to. But that may have more to do with my lack of the ready than the purity of my morals.
My point is this: it is not a compromise of one’s integrity to consider a matter and even come to a new conclusion. Rather it is maturity that allows one to deal with reality. I’ve made two major 180 degree career moves that involved significant financial risk, one had the potential for financial disaster, and she has supported me every time. Turned out ok, but there was a time 15 years ago when I teatered on the edge of bankruptcy. Support his needs but let him support yours too. Open your heart and your mind to possibilities, seek solutions and seek them together.
For what it’s worth, this is how I’ve done it. If it’s so important to her that there’d be an argument, we do what she wants. She’s worth it.
And there’s a left-handed compliment in this response from me. Bless your heart, I know I’m safe here. Lying, hypocritical, unfaithful slob that I am, I got here trying to do what I could, made the best I could of where I find myself. Damn, we humans are awful … and awfully wonderful.
April 25th, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Hey there big guy!
Look as someone who has been on both sides of this dilemma, I say be flexible. It seems to me that you only have so much longer that you will be apart (for reasons of which I am sure you are aware), and a lot of your appeal is the honesty, sincerity and love with which you deal with your life. The joint gas card in which you contribute a proportionate share and use to fill up for travel, is a great idea. I am sorry that the mileage reimbursement term was used, but that is just a standard terminology. I am sure that your relationship (the big R, since you won’t own up to the big L) is more rewording than a hurtful pride would be.
Cheer and good luck to you.
May 4th, 2008 at 9:48 am
Tony,
I’m in a relationship (21 years so far) and my hubby and I have never made the same amount of money. We used a pro-rated system at first (when I made next to nothing).
We have always had a joint account and use it to pay for all shared bills / expenses. We each pay for our own credit card purchases.
We also learned to budget for things. Within our first year of moving in together, we set up a household budget to understand and evaluate where our money was needed, and then figured out a pro-rated contribution to pay for it all.
Have you taken the time to look at your own budget? – you’d be surprised to see where your money goes if you don’t keep track of it…
And I highly recommend the “get rich slowly” blog as it offers all sorts of tips and information about financial management… and shared experiences.
Back to me and the hubby – as my income has increased, the pro-rated system has served its purpose. I now make enough to pay for my half of the household bills. Extra money goes into a travel account, an emergency fund, and also contributions to our retirement plans.
It strikes me that if you are really serious about maintaining a relationship, you have to learn compromise and how to accept some financial assistance from your boyfriend. I highly doubt that he thinks any less of you as a man for feeling the pain at the pumps (you’re certainly not alone there!).
The fact is, he has the means to help offset the rising costs and ensure that HE gets to see you, too. It’s win-win.
I wish you all the best in figuring this out!
/r