Missing
The longer I’m with him, the less I can stand being without him.
I used to think of the distance (geographical) between me and the attorney as sort of a good thing. It gave each of us our own space and independence and kept us from rushing the relationship. (I honestly think that ts easier to be liked when you’re not in somebody’s face all the time. At the very least it keeps them from growing weary of you.)
I guess it’s the “absence makes the heart grow fonder” thing, but now I feel like the distance is starting to get in the way.
At least for me.
He hasn’t expressed any feeling to me (and honestly I have not to him, either) about it. But, these days I really wish that we lived half as much closer to each other than we do.
Not just because I want to see him more. Yes, I love seeing the goofy large-mouthed grin. I love seeing the mile-long legs with the slim hips and high ass. I’ve even come to a place that I don’t dislike seeing him go barefoot around the house. (I’m at least at peace with it, anyway).
And it’s just not simply that I miss him.
Even more than missing him, I sometimes feel like we’re missing out. As a couple. Missing out on many of those moments, large and small, good and and bad, that couples build a lifetime on (or in gay time: five to seven years).
I’ve been feeling it a while, but I really felt it this weekend when the attorney was in Atlanta for the SEC basketball tournament while I was here in the hills watching it on TV as Granny dozed in her chair. Sure, his trip got cut short when the tornado hit downtown Atlanta and the tournament got moved to a smaller venue for family, friends, and press only. But, it would have been a great moment to share. Not only the tournament, but the great story we would always have.
“Remember that time in 2008 when we were in Atlanta and a tornado disrupted the SEC tournament,” one of us would ask the other while our less sports-minded friends blinked at us with poorly masked indifference.
“And then it was raining so hard on the way back that we had to pull onto the shoulder of the darkened interstate outside Chattanooga and wait it out with hot nasty sex in the car,” the other of us would add and the blinks would become arched eyebrows of interest.
“Oh, yeah. But the leg room was so bad that we just said ’screw it’ and did it on the hood, our naked torsos glued together by the high winds and pelting rain. Remember?”
Slack-jawed stares.
“Hmmm. Good times.”
But I wasn’t there, so it never happened, so we have no horny details to share over brunch. (Not that the attorney and I would tell such stories so publicly or even have sex on the interstate - especially out in a tornado).
But, my point is that missing together time breeds missed opportunities. I don’t know what those opportunities are. You can’t know until they’ve gone by. Even then the opportunity is really still only a possibility.
So maybe its best that I not focus on what might have been and focus more on what is. And be thankful for it.
Because, to be honest, what is is already better than what I ever thought could be.
March 19th, 2008 at 2:11 am
My friend I half laughed/cried reading your post. Basically, you are falling for him. You are moving beyond infatuation to love. Scary huh?
I think the bigger point here is not the perceived missed opportunity but just the fact you miss being with him and sharing in something you both enjoy.
Often times, one’s first love in life can be a very powerful often overwhelming experience (except for Jake of course). You don’t have to buy a double wide but, it might be time to share some of your growing feelings with him out loud? You have a strong sense of self whether you know it or not and you often seem to have a keen insight into others. Chances are high he might be feeling some of the very same thoughts.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:15 am
this is such a timely and touching post. i feel what you are feeling my friend.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:24 am
I remember having those same feelings. Always afraid of what we may have missed. But also talking about it too, and talking about our future together. I am happy to say that after waiting three and a half years and getting some obligations out of the way, I finally moved in his home this past weekend. A big step for us, but well worth the wait. Share your feeings take care of granny and your day will come too.
March 19th, 2008 at 8:52 am
Oh boy! You are soooo gone on him now! There is no way back from here LT. You poor thing! It is great news! I am so happy for you!
March 19th, 2008 at 9:51 am
Thanks for another awesome Blog Tony. Sometimes it’s hard to remember to celebrate the moments we do have; especially when the moments we may be missing appear to be so obvious. I hope Sue is right and you are soooo gone on the Attorney. I can’t imagine he is not completely round the bend for you. Regardless of what might or might not have possibly been, loving and being loved makes all the lived moments irreplaceble.
March 19th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Holy Smokes, my friend…..what a beautiful piece of work you’ve produced. I consider myself one hell of a lucky man to have spent more than ten years with my man. You’ve put it nicely. We’ve shared many of life’s opportunities with one another. From a simple tree or flower to the biggies of births, deaths, anniversaries, foreign travel. We’ve also share sad moments of rage, anger, upset…. and have even, honestly, even shared moments of thoughts of NOT spending the rest of our lives together. Life seems to produce a wide gammut of feelings and emotions, doesn’t it. Take it as it comes. Be thankful for what you have, not what you don’t have. Each day has plenty of good and bad, both, together. For each of us. In different ways. And all the while, granny is asleep in her rocker. Sigh……..
March 19th, 2008 at 12:30 pm
I am happy for you and thankful for you. And I totally understand: the 24 years Bill and I had were full of such memories and experiences.
March 19th, 2008 at 1:55 pm
The most pivotal point in a relationship- the moment you resign to the love you feel… Some people embrace it, some people trivialize it and some people are scared by it. That is the moment I have ran twice and missed out on relationships with men that I felt I was not worthy. This is the first time I have not run in a long time (we are close to 2 years into ours).
Your attachment to Granny is admirable and noble. Your love is poetic and delicious! And I am the better one to have observed what you so generously share with us.
March 19th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
My partner Mark and I spent the first two years of our relationship with the Atlantic Ocean between us seeing each other only twice a year, so I understand. Distance is difficult, yes, but there is a difference between physical and emotional. When the emotional distance grows smaller and smaller, than in time the physical distance often does too in some way or another. It may take some time, but be it a friendship, companionship, or partnership, if the relationship is worth it, than perhaps the patience comes easier and the relationship is built stronger with more lasting power.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
You have expressed extremely well what the road toward love seems all about to me, acceptance and sharing. You have moved a very long way down that road. I am very .very happy for you and thanks for bringing us along on your journey.
March 19th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Stephanie Berg, the sister of my big brother’s best friend, and I spent the entire summer together before she went off to college.
We were having our last meeting at sunset on a hillside in Northern Wisconsin and I plaintively started saying . . .
“It’s not fair. You’re leaving and we just started and and and . . .”
What she said has stayed with me my entire life.
“Brion, god bless the fact that we have had t h i s time together, we might never have met.”
Silence as the sun set.
That was at the end! You are at the beginning!
Hooray!
March 19th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
Tooooony’s innnnnnn looooove. hehe
Just say it!
I think you’ve got it at the end, though. Now comes the communication about it so that you’re at least heard and he can tell you how he feels about it. Then you can work on a resolution, if there is one to be had.
Okay, Brion’s quote has me welling up with tears as I process a friend’s leaving for a long time. I just blogged about it (and inadvertently rephrased the quote). Let me know if you want to read it.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
I have been with my bf for 9 years (I am 31) and I think that the fact that we were separated after 2 years and had this long distance thing for a while (on and off) really gave us a pace in knowing each other that many people do not get to experience. Even sex is still pretty good after all these years and I think part of it is, to be blunt, that we have fewer miles on each other than a couple living together 100% of the time for 4 years.
I appreciate your post… this is my first visit to your blog. For me long distance worked because it did not start that way. I do not know what the outcome would have been had we been separated without those first years together. Without that base I am not sure we would have lasted. Best of luck.
March 19th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
Wonderful being in love, ain’t it? Be patient. I am sure you’ll have the opportunity to make such memories soon enough
March 20th, 2008 at 6:51 am
Awww…. That was nice… It’s nice to see, or hear I should say… When people open themselves to love… embrace it, let it fill you up, and there is nothing that you can’t accomplish together… even the distance thing… Awesome T… its a wonderful thing…
It reaffirms, that there is still hope for me… All I need to do is be open to it…
Love from Atlanta
March 20th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Great post - but you know: you gotta tell him. You gotsta.
March 21st, 2008 at 12:53 pm
You should tell him but it is difficult to do because you might get hurt if he does not feel the say about you. So that is what it is.
But it’s a marriage, a relationship, at least you know you are going to get screwed, (HE HE)………
March 21st, 2008 at 9:22 pm
I’ve been with Rick for 11 years now and we don’t live together. But, yes, you’re right. It becomes almost a stunted relationship: not fully realized. I encourage closeness for you two.