If I Only Had An Ass
Technology.
It has given us personal computers, solar power, and ATM’s.
And apparently now technology can give me an ass. Not a piece of ass. I can still get that on my own, thank you very much. But an ass of my very own.
For some reason I am on the e-mail list for gay men’s clothier Andrew Christian (meaning he designs clothes for gay men, not that Mr. Christian himself is gay, although it’s very possible that he is…not that I am making assumptions. But it’s definitely the target market.)
Whatever the reason, I was notified of the release of the company’s latest and (according to them) ground-breaking cotton/lycra blend creation: underpants with “Flashback Butt Lifting Technology.” (Trademarked, nonetheless.)
Lordy.
It’s like a classic story:
Baby got back. Baby loses back. Baby slips his manties (man panties) back on and has back again.
Being as assless as a pair of leather chaps myself, I can understand the desire to have a nice round pert ass. But I want an ass just for look. Not for bait.
I hear a lot that there are just not enough tops in the world (I would say “Yay! More bottoms for me!” except I seem to be cursed with the monogamy gene). So, I probably wouldn’t be far off the mark if I was to say that most guys want to have a nice looking ass in order to attract guys who like guys who have nice looking asses, and who want to fuck said nice looking asses.
In short, boys want back to get dick.
But what is a bottom boy to do when he gets his horny hung top home, seductively slips out of his undies and his bootie flattens out and drops to his calves? What does he say when his backside becomes a mudslide? (Okay, mudslide is probably not the best image when talking about the rear, but you get my point.)
I think his best hope is to wish up one a star that a Disney princess or two has laid off a couple of bluebirds (or chipmunks, mice, or other magical rodents) that can tug on a guy wire or two to hold his Disneybum up in the air. (Mickey, please do not sue me.)
That’s the thing about engineered clothing. Once someone sees you in it, you’re in it for life. You buy one pair of butt-enhancing briefs, you may as well buy eight (an extra to wear while the other seven are in the wash). You will have to wear them all the time. Everywhere. To work. To parties. Under your swim suit.
You’ll even have to wear them in the shower at the gym. You’ll look like a self-conscious nerd showering in your underwear. But, you’ll be a self-conscious nerd with a banging ass!
At least you will be able to identify with the likes of people like Miss America (or Prince). You know they can’t just go to the grocery without a face full of makeup and a crown (and/or sequins), for fear somebody might see them.
The interesting thing is that in the press release the designer says:
“…I was actually inspired to create this technology while at the gym and seeing how hard men work on exercising their buttocks. I just knew that there had to be a way to achieve similar results by simply wearing underwear.”
I think that just about says it all about the way society is going.
I wonder if anybody is working on a hat that makes it appear that you have a brain.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:41 am
I always wondered what happens when your date gets you home and takes off your tremendously padded bra only to find you flat as a board. Same thing I expect.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:41 am
I am sure the hat is on the way. I’ve always asked myself, whom do these users of prosthetic enhancers want to fool? It can only be for the public at large because anyone in a physically intimate situation is bound to see the extra help. By the way Tony, your ass is just fine the way it is.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:20 am
i dont like my ass. like you im about as assless as a pair of chaps but im trying to build a better butt. i think i can i think i can. i dont need no stinking undies to make my butt look better besides my tight ass jeans would flatten my ass in a matter of moments.
i cant win.
March 4th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
Well, it’s not going to PAD your butt. It is simply going to make your butt more bubbly in shape holding up your cheeks against the effect of gravity. I say this was a great invention that I hope works for you. I am sure you have already bought 7 pairs LT.
I, for one, always look better when I am bent over. That’s when the shape of my ass REALLY looks good. Just standing up… it looks so so. Not that you even asked for me to talk about myself on YOUR blog.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
A good many people do not look as good out of clothing as in. A well tailored suit or oversized clothing can hide what you don’t like about your body. But, the moment of truth comes eventually.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I have no ass either. I’m mostly top as of lately, so really don’t give a shit. Although, I was told it was kind of nice that I didn’t have much cushion, that way they can get it ALL the way in to the hilt and not worry about a big ass getting in the way.
March 4th, 2008 at 6:09 pm
In my younger days, I had a killer ass. Now-a-days, not so much. It’s not easy being 42.
Oh, and brain hat — looks like someone already has!
http://www.akrondesign.com/cgi-bin/foundation/1-49348.html
March 4th, 2008 at 11:25 pm
Wow. I actually heard that having too much ass limits the top from getting all the way in…okay, just like Todd just said. (I guess it pays to read up before posting.) Also, whose (who’s?) ass looks that flat? In clothes, yes, but in underwear? What marketing skills there be!
March 5th, 2008 at 3:40 am
There is only one way to get an ass like that, but you claim to be a top… I’m sorry bubble butts are reserved for Bottoms
I’m sure your ass is nice, and at least the front offsets it. Hmmm maybe that’s what it is? Maybe your front is stealing the “thunder” from your backside?
I’m just sayin…
March 5th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
March 5th, 2008 at 7:24 pm
Once Billy Carter ( brother of the President) said that Stella Parton ( sister of the singer) was flat chested.
Ms. Parton’s reply….” At least I can do something about that. Whoever heard of silicone for the brain”
commenters comment … This is the blogger who is closely related to piersgavestonjr. Recently blogspot has denied us access to our blogs. Chamblee54 has moved to wordpress. Piersgavestonjr has gone into rehab for sex addiction. He is currently in a residential program at the Bill Clinton center in Mesapoosee CA.
March 5th, 2008 at 8:18 pm
I’ve got one, but it’s tiny and small….hubby has a nice round bubble butt….with hot fuzz on it. It’s perfect! Some have ass. Some have dick. We’ve all got a little something!
March 6th, 2008 at 8:59 am
whatever it takes
March 6th, 2008 at 7:21 pm
I have no ass either. It’s my thighs that keep me on the toilet. hahahaha
March 8th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
You are lacking nothing! Anywhere!
March 11th, 2008 at 4:38 am
Keeping things in perspective, Enjoy what you have at 32, for believe me(at 54) it ain’t easy getting older!