Let Them Eat Meat
No guest star this Tuesday. I guess the writer’s strike has trickled down to my blog. So, you have to listen to one of my rants, today. Just keep in mind that it’s all in fun….mostly.
Men like meat. Pure and simple.
Any kind of meat. Beef. Pork. Poultry. Veal. Venison. We love it.
Is it any wonder that when we refer to our own “meat,” we are talking about our peckers. That’s because we love our peckers, too. There’s another hundred pounds or two (depending on who you are) of flesh on our bodies, but it’s our dongs that we lovingly refer to as “meat.”
No matter unhappy, disappointed, or even embarrassed a man may be about the size, shape, function (or disfunction) of his penis, he still loves it. Forget about what they say about dogs and their masters. The only truly unconditional love is the love a man has for his cock.
Now, I bring this up because it came up in conversation the other day that the attorney has a friend who is a vegetarian. A male vegetarian. A man who does not eat meat.
Yes, I know male vegetarians exist, but that’s in hippie communes and artsy west-coast-politically-correct-green-cities. (Is that redundant?) But not in the mountains of East Tennessee. We like meat so much that if we could get cows to feed on pigs (that have fed on chickens) we would. Every vegetarian I have known personally has been a woman. But even they are rare around here. (As rare as a juicy cut of prime rib).
I know there are people who argue that humans are not carnivores by nature. That may be true. I don’t know if some caveman found the remains of some beast baking in the hot sun, basting in its own juices on a big slab of rock (the first pizza stone) and just couldn’t resist the smell of medium well flesh and the caramelized renderings and cracklings, but somewhere along the way he stood upright enough to grab a knife and fork out of the kitchen drawer and have at it.
And some are vegetarians because they see killing of animals for food and clothing to be cruel. I guess I can see their point. Even being someone who lives in the mountains, where it’s pretty much a rite of passage, I would have trouble killing a living thing. But if it’s already chopped up and in the refrigerator case or stamped with Adidas, I have to admit it’s easy to forget (or at least ignore) that it was once on four legs. Face it, I’ve never heard a pork chop or cowboy boots scream.
Also, consider what life would be like if we didn’t have a little roast beast now and then. We could be overrun with chicks and geese and ducks. We might wake up to find ourselves bowing to the Loin King because the hogs are in charge. Think about it. If barnyard animals had opposable thumbs, most farmers would be looking down the barrel of a shotgun belonging to a cow with a vendetta. You can’t spell ‘Bossy’ without “boss.”
Vegetarians are killers, too. They gouge the eyes out of pumpkins on Halloween just like the rest of us. They mass murder millions of acres of corn every year. Is getting yanked into a big metal object and getting stripped and shucked not violent? (Although I hear there are nightclubs in Berlin where getting stripped and shucked is practically expected). Vegetables feel. Why else would onions basically hit you with pepper spray when you chop them?
Now, I have nothing against vegetarians. Not at all. Who am I to tell someone what to put in their mouth? (Unless it’s me).
But, they do fascinate me. I almost wish there was some kind of vegetarian habitat where we confirmed carnivores could watch them go about their lives, beltless and in cotton shoes, foraging for nuts and berries and shooting up filets of tofu with food coloring and artificial flavors to mimic the meat they so dearly crave.
And that’s the thing. The craving. I think vegetarians deep down are similar to recovering alcoholics. Just one McNugget away from a relapse. Meataholics. That’s why the habitat (or Vegitat, as it will be known), will need to be a secure place where spectators, being meat ourselves, don’t have to fear attack.
I can see it in the papers now where a heavy-set woman is mauled by a feral rogue vegetarian who was confused (and attracted) by the woman’s cocoa-butter lotion and the residual hot-wing sauce on her fingertips. Can you blame the beast? It must have thought it was at a luau.
That’s how the really uber-vegetarians will get back at us dirty meat eaters. They will hide in the trees (the ones they have not eaten) and lay in wait for the juiciest meat-eaters (thank God I’m skinny). You know how they say that in the end times, the heavens will rain fire? Nah, they will rain vegetarians.
And people say it’s the meat that will kill us.
January 8th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
I’d like to hear Homer weigh in on this one.
January 8th, 2008 at 9:05 pm
Meat. My husband woke from his nap one day and I said, “Honey, what do you want for dinner?” His answer was “Meat.” It is by now a joke in our family. I’ve been to a slaughter house and I could do what they do there to survive and I would if I had to. One day driving home from work, I saw a pheasant get hit and killed by a car. I stopped and got it off the road. When I got home, my spouse was in the drive. I pulled the bird out of the backseat and said “Look honey, dinner!” He said “I’m not eating that!” So I took it out to the back yard and gutted it and plucked it, and then posed it in a pan like a chicken. Then he said that he would eat it. We baked it with bacon on top and it was pretty good. Yup, he and I are carnivores. I really like the idea of being a vegetarian because of the idea of how much less energy it uses to bring vegetables to the market place, but I just need a bloody piece of steak now and again. Know what I mean?
January 8th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
Not much meat for this (nearly) veggie guy. Don’t like it, can’t stand the mental thought of it. Grosses me out. Now, if you wanna talk dick, dong, pecker…..I’ll be right there with the best of you.
January 8th, 2008 at 9:29 pm
I haven’t had meat in 24 years and don’t miss it one tiny bit. I like my animals alive, thank you very much.
January 8th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
Thank God for omnivores. If it’s there (and not poisonous) I’ll eat it.
Sue sounds like my type of woman. Fearless and resourceful.
January 8th, 2008 at 10:15 pm
speaking as a someone with a ton of veggie friends of both sexes and as one raised in those “hippie communes and artsy west-coast-politically-correct-green-cities” (aka “left coast”), I gotta say I’m torn … certainly bothered by the ethics/violence of being a carnivore, but then nature is pretty fuckin violent, so back to the basic hypocrisy … if I had to do the dirty work, I’d probably be a veggie, but till then, point me to the bbq.
and let me know when you go to Berlin … there’s a couple of clubs you GOTTA see, and don’t worry, you can take the attorney with you … how’s he look in a collar/leash?
January 8th, 2008 at 11:07 pm
So true……That is the funniest rant I’ve heard in awhile. I get so sick and tired of going out to dinner with friends and listening to the vegans complain. Mother nature is not your friend she want’s you dead. So eat what you want.
January 9th, 2008 at 1:00 am
No, we aren’t even remotely as you have described us.
You know the writers’ maxim, “Write what you know”? Make that your New Year’s resolution before you shut your blog down.
January 9th, 2008 at 10:41 am
great rant.
i was a veggie for 13 years. and then bacon beckoned. and a medium rare steak cooked out on the grill upstate waved at me. and i started slowly back down the path of the carnivores. and i love meat. i really do. and i love cock.
lately ive been considering. thinking. about going back to being a vegetarian.
but then i smell bacon on the breeze and i must. eat. meat.
January 9th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
“that’s in hippie communes and artsy west-coast-politically-correct-green-cities” …Why, what do you mean by this? LOL, there are two vegetarian-only restaurants in my neighborhood. And we have quite a few veggie friends. Don’t forget the Pescatarians…they are vegetarians that will eat seafood!
Unfortunately I grew up with a father who was a part-time butcher, so we always had a side of beef in the freezer. Oh yeah, and the bf grew up on a farm where they regularly slaughtered the family pet. So neither of us have any problems with killing and cooking of meat. Although we don’t eat as much Red meat as we did growing up!
Although I do like fresh veggies. Brussels sprouts are my favorite veggie roasted with pecans and BACON!
Now about the other White meat……Well I could chew on that for a lonnnnnng time!
January 9th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Lack of meat=no sense of humor.
January 9th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
I like meat… In fact I love it… Chicken, Pork, Fish, and the very occasional real beef burger… (not so big on steaks) But the favorite… I have to say is the blood engorged tube steak… Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner… (Lick)
January 11th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Cute rant, although it does sound quite a bit like the rant conservatives give about liberals. People in this country are simply afraid of change or differences.
I live in the mountains, a very rural location, surrounded by a big state forest, have to drive on dirt roads to get to where I live, heat with a woodstove etc…basically the definition of a ‘woodsman’, but I’m a vegetarian. It’s simply a choice or preference, no big mystical thing about it. I do it for health reasons & personal reasons of taste too.
To learn about what you’re putting in your mouth, I’d suggest you watch, “Fast Food Nation”.
I do love the other type of meat you mentioned & my husband has it in a LARGE abundance, so I’m not deprived in that regard at all.
For all you lovers of your own personal meat, better watch how much animal flesh you consume that is if you want to maintain good vascular health & still have the ability to produce your own big hard redwood!
January 19th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
If you’re a vegetarian for perceived health benefits, I support you. If you’re vegan because you feel that meat is murder and animals serve no other purpose than to peacefully coexist, then I have a problem. Explain tofurkey and vegan bacon and such if you’re such a non-meat person. Good post.