Wedding Date
A couple of weeks ago, the attorney asked me to go with him to the wedding of someone he knows. To be his wedding date.
First off, I hate weddings. Marriage is fine. But weddings, in my opinion, are a complete waste of money, friendship, and time. I have only been to few weddings, and only because I had to. But I’ve never left one not wishing I could have gotten that hour of my life back. Second, I didn’t want to take the chance, being two guys, of being the talk of the wedding (remember, this is Tennessee). I don’t much care for being the center of attention. Especially at someone else’s wedding.
I think it’s one of the rules in Miss Manners: Never wear white at a wedding and never be one half of a ridiculously tall gay couple at a red state wedding; particularly the half that has never met anyone there before.
So, I turned him down.
Naturally karma sort of got me back when Saturday night we accidentally ended up in the middle of wedding festivities. Not the wedding itself. But the reception. And we didn’t know the bride and groom. Or anyone else for that matter.
Judging by the last minute scramble to push tables together and continuous scramble of eggs, I don’t think the caterer did either. But, I imagine you risk a little bit of disorganization when you have your wedding reception at Shoney’s.
For those of you who don’t know of it, Shoney’s is a family restaurant that, judging from it’s website, is mostly in southern states (and states that border on southern states) in the U.S. They are all over Tennessee. And if it can be battered and deep-fried or topped with whipped non-dairy products, they serve it.
I don’t go to Shoney’s very often. Only slightly more than I do weddings. But when I do go, it’s for the late-night breakfast buffet that they have on weekends. (It’s really hard to do breakfast food wrong). Which is why the attorney and I were there.
I assume that’s why the wedding party was there, too. What says “celebrate our union” better than a good-stick-to-your-ribs plate fried okra, sausage patties, and grits served up on slightly tacky (slightly tacky in touch, very tacky in atmosphere) stick-to-your-skin formica tabletops? (The waitress had to bring us three bottles of Heinz before we got one without ketchup boogers around the cap.) Especially when its all-you-can-eat.
Speaking of which, had it not been for the horn-honking, tin can clattering arrival of the newlyweds, I would have been sure it was a wedding shower rather than a reception. Because their trips to the buffet seemed like a party game: “See who’s heart can explode first.”
Now, I’m a big eater. And I realize that it’s pure luck that I have a genetic code that would probably allow me to eat deep-fried sugar sandwiches on yeast bread for every meal and still still not put on weight. So, I don’t want to put anyone down for being fat any more than I want someone to put me down for being skinny. Besides, there is a difference in carrying extra pounds and eating like a pig.
The wedding party attacked the buffet like their lives depended on it. When it’s really just the opposite. Their lives depend more on stepping away from the buffet. Or at least soften the arteries a little with a piece of fruit or two. It got so bad, and there were so many of them, that the rest of us in the restaurant could barely slip into the buffet line before their first people were back around for seconds…or thirds…or…
I’m not sure whether the defining moment was when the chubby ten-year old girl who ran from an offered chunk of honeydew melon like it was Kryptonite or when the bride and groom fed each other the first hunk of biscuits and gravy.
Nice day for a white-trash wedding.
Afterwards, still amazed by a wedding celebration at Shoney’s, the attorney said to me, “So, where are we gonna go when we get married?”
“To hell,” I responded. “Ask Bush.”
October 14th, 2007 at 11:54 pm
But I love weddings! The frills, the fuss and the fancy stuff. I like em all. Even the fights before while planning!
October 15th, 2007 at 2:31 am
I remember once a very good friend (R.I.P.), after hearing me use my verbal talents at the expense of others pulled me over to the side and said, “G. I find there is a difference between being bitchy and witty!) Talking about being bitch-slapped and a wake-up call… “if we could only see us as other people see us.”
October 15th, 2007 at 3:28 am
Interesting story.
I can blame Mr Bush for many bad things, but not gay marriage … or the lack of it. Gay marriage was not around before Bush and won’t be after Bush.
October 15th, 2007 at 7:57 am
Shoney’s has a website?!? Who knew?
October 15th, 2007 at 8:15 am
Well then there will be bliss in hell!
October 15th, 2007 at 10:31 am
May I respectfully suggest Denny’s?
October 15th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Hell Tony , I’ll cater it and pick up the tab. I’m just a poor Southern boy so nothing terribly fancy but I can definitely outdo Shoneys, or Denny’s. My fantasy reception is a pig-picking and a bluegrass band.
October 15th, 2007 at 1:07 pm
This reminds me of an episode of Trailer Boys where the boys organized a KFC wedding reception! Only that was TV …and what you’re writing of really happened! This line: ” the chubby ten-year old girl who ran from an offered chunk of honeydew melon like it was Kryptonite ” had me snorking my coffee.
If you and the Attorney ever get married, I don’t care where you have it, I’ll move mountains to be there. Hell included.
October 15th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I have to admit that I’ve never been to the south. Except once on a layover in Dallas. I’ve heard of bisciuts and gravy, though it looks and seems disgusting, but I’ve never seen grits in real life. It looks like some kind of cream of wheat type substance. I’m not one for breakfast foods much. do they really have stacks of pancakes as high as in that photo? no wonder america is so fat.
October 15th, 2007 at 5:10 pm
That whole story reminds me of the Nutty Professor buffet scene: Klumps Party of 6, and We Hungry! I could have gone all day without thinking about ketchup boogers. Thanks for the laugh Tony!
October 15th, 2007 at 6:54 pm
Come to Annapolis for your wedding; at least out here we deep fry seafood or steam it if the hot oil gets to you. In addition, we’re in a blue state in megalopolis, no legal gay weddings here yet, but a lot of commitment ceremonies in this gay friendly state. And there’s always Massachusetts for a ‘destination’ wedding.
On the Tennessee obesity — my son, daughter-in-law, grand daughter, and grandson moved to Clarksvile, Tennessee this summer. My grandson is very thin and I am hoping a several year sojourn in the land of batter and butter will fatten him up a bit. I’m not surprised that trans-Appalachia is called the ‘heartland’ since that organ is in dire straits in the great swath of red states across our beautiful country.
October 15th, 2007 at 7:28 pm
My mother loves Shoneys (even though all she gets is sunny side up eggs and toast). And Daisy B. from work (or used to be from work [she was fired because she refused to man the switch board when Ethel D. went out on lunch {not because she used to smoke pot in the parking lot}]) said Shoney’s has the BEST grits. “I love them grits.”
Personally, I hate buffets. I let Rick take me to a seafood buffet [once] on vacation — never again. I don’t need to see people throwing up in the parking lot. However, I would like to try Shoneys because I looooove biscuits and gravy (this is the third time I am stating that fact on this web page).
October 15th, 2007 at 9:40 pm
Did the father of the bride bring the shotgun to Shoney’s?
October 15th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
Disappointed that you are not going to the Wedding with the Atty.
Yet I understand your resistance and feel the pain we have all been in your shoes at one time.
I am sure the Atty, realizes what is going on in your head…. at least I hope he does…
October 15th, 2007 at 11:32 pm
I loathe and despise weddings as well, but that tends to be a hazard of the job. I can’t tell you how many horrid brides try and control the music, or you’re left vamping away at “Canon in D” while the damn flowergirl FINALLY makes it down the aisle.
So often there’s an attempt to provide what everyone “expects,” even when the budget doesn’t allow. Why does a day about the joining of two people have to be marred by a buffet, enormous cake, dresses, and DJ’s? They’re such awkward affairs, and somehow we are charged with looking in on this intimate affair. It’s really the ultimate act of voyeurism - asking 150+ people to peer into a relationship.
I’m eloping if I ever get married - only our nearest and dearest friends are coming. Max - ten. Small, private and meaningful. Few get to see the inside of the bedroom, why should we feel the need to open up a relationship for everyone to see?
October 16th, 2007 at 8:22 am
Tony, I can certainly relate to your feelings toward weddings. I have four brothers and had to go to each of their weddings. I didn’t bring a male date, just because I didn’t think that would be respectful of their feelings. I’m such a good brother.
For my last brother’s wedding, I brought my friend, a black woman (I’m white). I live in Massachusetts (which for the most part is that backwards), but many of my mother’s family live in the south, so no more explanation is necessary. My sister-in-law told me after the wedding that I was the talk of the wedding, because I brought a black woman as my “date.” My response was “Oh all these years they thought I was gay, but now I bring a black woman. Which is more horrifying to them that I am gay or dating a black woman?” People need to get over themselves.
Tony you need to do what you are comfortable with. I hope the Atty. understands where you are coming from and respects where you are at with this.
October 16th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Shoney’s? God, I can only imagine. Like a pen full of pigs fighting over one trough! lol
As Coco Peru once said, Hell wouldn’t be such a bad place if we all end up there. Talk about a party. DAMN!
I don’t mind weddings however, they’ve turned into just another money making scheme IMHO. I’ve also seen friends work themselves into a frenzy worrying about the minutia of details. I guess everyone has their own idea of how a wedding should happen. For my part, it should be about good friends celebrating/sharing in my happiness with another. It isn’t about me spending money to impress everyone.
If I ever do tie the knot, I’d like something outside and very intimate. I wouldn’t invite everyone I know, just the people closest to me.
October 17th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Seems like there’s nothing pure in this world…cept for maybe the syrup at Shoney’s. (Do I detect an Idol fan?)
Though I must admit, I am in complete agreement with you on this “Never wear white at a wedding and never be one half of a ridiculously tall gay couple at a red state wedding; particularly the half that has never met anyone there before.” Or any kind of gay couple in this instance. I’d a sat that one out too. Karma on the other hand loves a good joke. And a good flapjack too apparently.
October 19th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
For what it’s worth: I was surprised when I was in the mid-west to see that Shoney’s are what out in California are called Bob’s Big Boy. I always think of them as the McDonald’s of sit-down restaurants. They used to have these awesome Hot Fudge Brownie Sunday: a warm brownie topped with vanilla ice cream, hot fudge and an obscene amount of whipped cream and nuts. And they served a respectable fresh strawberry pie. Most of them have closed up out here.
October 21st, 2007 at 2:29 pm
To hell? Surrrrre. You said you didn’t want to get married, right?
I guess if all you can do is Shoney’s then so be it, but still…
October 22nd, 2007 at 5:08 pm
You’re right about Shoney’s being mostly southern, however, the company has restaurants in the north as well, the “Shoney’s” in Toledo, OH and Detroit, MI are called “Frisch’s Big Boy”. Here in WV, we get an eclectic mix. We have more Shoney’s than Frisch’s Big Boy(s), but I think it’s because the one they had in Bridgeport, WV, flopped and went out of business.
And an interesting fact for you: they have a motel chain as well.
I stayed in a Shoney’s Inn in Detroit a few years back.
November 11th, 2007 at 3:14 pm
Come to Massachusetts - it’s legal here.