F*ck Q
Do you think that people ever pick a career based on how likely it is to get them laid?
I doubt it’s ever brought up at job fairs and I don’t remember anybody’s mom or dad talking it up on career day at school as a kid, but the right kind of job can get you some serious play.
I figured this out by reactions from others when they find out I have been keeping company with the attorney. It’s always “Oh, an attorney?” And it’s always said in that half-lusty, half-hungry sort of way that you know Starr Jones approaches a bucket of KFC with. (I’m telling you, you’d be safer juggling nail guns than to be around the day those staples start to pop.) Apparently having esq. after your name increases your FQ (Fuckability Quotient).
I think attorneys have a high FQ by virtue of being financially well off. People (particularly American people) like to fuck money. People would fuck ATMs if they could. (these days, someone has probably tried).
Think about the old jump rope song:
Rich Man, Poor Man, Begger Man, Thief; Doctor, Lawer, Indian Chief
I don’t remember ever seeing a little girl thrilled with missing a skip and landing on the Poor Man, Begger Man, or Thief. No way. If anything they would accidentally-on-purpose trip themselves up on the Rich Man: the lawyer or the doctor. Little girls on the playground (and big Mo’s on the prowl) want their hostess cupcakes eaten by money.
But doctors have more than just a fat wallet to boost their FQs. They have the uniform, too. A uniform will get you a ton of trim. Ask a cop. Ask the UPS guy. (Ask the Village People. All their songs were about hooking up.) Medical scrubs may be just pajamas accessorized with a stethoscope, but in the eye of the horny, it’s a uniform.
And look at firefighters. Big rubber boots and a goofy hat and still folks are wet at the thought of bagging one. If everybody likes to fuck money, then everybody and their brother likes to fuck a hero. (Especially a hero with a pin up calendar.) It’s how we can give a little something back for all they have done.
But you know who’s probably making out (literally) like a bandit is EMT’s. They straddle that line between doctors and firefighters. And folks want EMT’s straddling them…on a gurney. (If the ambulance is rockin’ , somebody’s gettin’ a cockin’). They have the uniform, they have the gear (people love to fuck gear), and they are heroes. They’re like Batman. And you know Batman is getting it more than anybody in the Justice League.
About the only uniform that won’t get you play is a fast food uniform. But, it’s hard to have a high FQ when you smell like recycled French fry grease. (Although I will admit I’ve wanted to throw my dick across the counter at Dairy Queen a couple of times. Nut Buster Parfait, baby).
I think it’s time to update the jump rope song. First you have to eliminate the Poor Man because no one even wants the risk (people will risk STD’s before risking falling for someone poor). And Indian Chief would have to be changed to something like Executive Director of Native American Community. But it doesn’t fit the meter, so scrap it. We can keep thief, because most modern-day thieves are are rich white men, anyway.
How about something like:
Rich man, Porn man, Upper Class Thief; Doctor, Lawyer, Pro Athlete
I throw in porn and sports because those are careers that require good bodies. Definitely a shot to the FQ. A lot of people lot won’t admit it, I think we all have a porn star or two that we would bang. I know I do. I would be wearing some serious Tupperwear while I’m doing it, but there’s a couple of porn booties I would have trouble passing up.
And athletes? That’s a high FQ gimme. Great body. Money. Got the gear. Hell, I think they even have it over on EMT’s, because they have the hero thing, too. It’s a different kind of hero (and even that has been tarnished a bit by the likes of O.J. and T.O. —never trust an athlete who uses initials) but it works for them.
The great thing about High FQ careers is that they come in all categories and all levels of education and training. Some require very little brains at all. (Hello, supermodels.) It all just depends on where your interest lies. Unfortunately for me, I’m not in a high FQ profession. face it, painters don’t get it like our construction worker brethren. (It must be the hard hat. It’s sort of like the head of a penis.) And my desired profession (writer) is not very high FQ either.
So, I’ll just rely on the fact that I have a decent-sized pecker. That’s good for at least some Fuckability Quotient points. I wonder if paint brushes and a pallet knife count as gear?
October 11th, 2007 at 10:04 am
hell to the yeah paint brushes and a pallet knife count as gear! grrr!
October 11th, 2007 at 10:27 am
I want to do my electric meter man. Damn he’s cute. Stocky build. Bubblicious butt, green eyes and a seriously hot moustache, and he has a uniform of sorts.
October 11th, 2007 at 12:39 pm
My UPS delivery guy is a doll. I’d do him. Lawyers? What comes to mind is argumentative and obnoxious people. Maybe I’m thinking about ambulance (EMT) chasers.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:06 pm
I was a pizza delivery boy in college for a while. Pizza boy delivers, I had more women hitting on me though. No luck with the men. Now when I was a stripper in college at a gaybar, that was a different story.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
I take personality into account though when it comes to peoples job titles though. Accountants are out, along with Analyst, Attorneys, Morticians, etc. I guess that is stereotyping it though. Give me Truckers, UPS, FEDEX, Warehouse, Painters, Construction, etc. Folks that probably have a more down to earth humble personality.
I’ve been talking back and forth with someone in the Medical field though. Has a nice body, I keep hearing him mention the “ER” so I don’t know if he is a Doctor, CNA or what. Sure I will find out soon enough, he wants to go on a date. I don’t go for money. I didn’t come from money and I don’t have much of it either. So I am not going to be with someone that expects money out of me.
October 11th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
Oh, I don’t know. I wear my lab coat ALL the time and I never get laid much anymore.
::sigh::
But I think you sell yourself short.
Painter’s bibs + your package + your attractiveness = FQ X 100!
October 11th, 2007 at 5:51 pm
I am hoping my new Ph.D will increase my FQ. Fngers crossed!
October 11th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I can attest to the fuckability of a forest firefighters uniform … unfortunately always women who wanted into my regulation firefighting knickers. Well, that is, except the ex-boyfriend who a couple times persuaded me to keep most of it on while we … well, you get the picture.
I love the nut buster parfait from DQ! Those are initials you can trust.
October 11th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
A guy that’s been painting all day and has a few drips and drabs of paint here and there is definitely hot to us white collar desk guys. Plus the mucles and flexibility acquired by all that scraping, rolling, spraying and stroking (with the brush) definitely raise the FQ. But you, Tony, have cubed your FQ — painter, writer and other natural gifts — off the chart.
October 11th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
I just fractured my ankle and spent the night in the hospital for the first time ever The only consolation to the high bills and extreme pain were some of the gorgeous nurses, docotors, EMT;s transprtationa nd x-ray specialists, surgeons, etc. How timely and yummilicious your particular column was! And since it’s October 11th and Coming Out Day, I thought I’d take this opportunity to tell you I’m gay and to wish my dog a Happy Birthday.
Do NOT ever underestimate the hotness of some housepainters Especially 32 year olds from Tenneessee!
October 11th, 2007 at 10:05 pm
Yes a blue collar uniform makes a man that much more sexy, but there is also something inherently sexy about a man in a suit, if the suit fits correctly. An ill-fitting suit will make a man lose his FQ in a heartbeat.
October 11th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Money, power, or fame will always increase FQ. For me it’s power - especially the crowd mgmt guys at the stadium. In their tight t-shirts and jeans. mmm
Or maybe the guys working out on the road in tight jeans and those orange t-shirts - all kind of dirty from hard work. Or, maybe painters who wear tight yellow underwear, eh Tony?
October 11th, 2007 at 11:33 pm
*sigh*
Everyone has already extolled your FQ as a painter, so I’ll just throw in the requisite, “Me too!” LOL
I think that brains are extremely sexy, but I think that success in whatever venue is the sexiest attribute in a guy. Success breeds confidence, and I think we all like a man with a little swagger. Somehow, Tony, I bet you’ve got a little swagger, and I’ll bet the attorney has a little less after you get done with him. LOL
October 12th, 2007 at 3:28 am
Ok, I have to admit my EMT gig does get me extra glances. The uniform doesn’t make the man but it sure helps. LOL
But T, there are many qualities about you beyond your massive manhood that increases your FQ loads (pun intended). Without realizing it, you transcend the need for the trappings of a uniform or position. Any man who would pass you up, doesn’t deserve you.
October 12th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
I thought painters wore dungarees. With one strap undone. “For comfort”
October 12th, 2007 at 6:59 pm
1. EMT’s have no FQ. None. Zip. I have never known one that was not a social misfit. And not a social misfit in that they are a little geeky, but that they have serious delusions of grandeur. More than one has impersonated a cop. More than one has started a forest fire and called 911.
2. You left out sanitation workers. I’ve been with 2 and they were A. HOT (really HOT) and B. really good in bed. A. and B. rarely come in the same happy meal from what I’ve found. (And I guess they really don’t have “uniforms”.)
3. You, Tony, don’t need Fuckability Quotient. You have what seems to us a really great guy who deserves a heart like yours. Run with it, and don’t drop the baton.
4. You are a writer. I’d be happy to see you wiped off the face of the internet and pay 25.86 for your first novel. What would it be called? The Attorney’s De-briefing.
October 12th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Tony, I don’t understand why you say being a writer is your “desired profession” when you clearly already are a Writer. I read a lot of gay fiction and your writing about your real life, taking care of Granny, developing relationship with the Lawyer, obsession with college football could easily be turned into a publishable novel. It’s already written you just have to edit it into a novel form and submit it to Torquere Press or Alyson Books and I know you would be published. Spend 10 or 15 bucks on Amazon.com and get “How to Publish Your Novel’ or “Getting Your Novel Published”. Then when you stop writing your blog next year, I’ll be able to follow my friend Tony’s life in print.
You are so right about the FQ of Doctors. The day I got accepted into medical school it was like a switch had been flipped in the head of every sorority girl who had been uninterested in me as a pre-med student. I was suddenly so eligible and smart and interesting, it was a real eye opener. I find the FQ of doctors to be much higher in women’s minds than in guy’s. Good looks and good body count for so much to other men.
October 14th, 2007 at 8:46 am
Great… just great… No wonder I’m not getting laid… hairdressers don’t wear uniforms, we don’t make a lot of money, and the only person who considers me a hero is me… LOL (fists on hips… making America beautiful one head at a time).
Thanks LT for 1. Helping me to understand why… 2. Rubbing it in… ROFLOL
I love this blog…
Love
SYN
October 14th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
So why aren’t I getting some? Like all the time!
Wish the stethoscopes and the scrubs come with big fat wallets all the time tho.
October 29th, 2007 at 1:20 am
why should do this kind a life? being gay, arent you of the origin of you, your mother delivered you to this world completely as a man, didnt you ever think about wah going to happen when you getting old - you have no sun or dougther or wife to share with.
From me who concern about your life style.
November 17th, 2007 at 12:37 am
Heheh I’ve always thought that EMTs and male RNs are so hot :))