My Fair Tony
You’ve heard of the term “friend with benefits?” Well, earlier this summer, the the attorney became a “boyfriend with benefits.”
The benefit? Season tickets for Tennessee football. (Sex is just part of the job description.)
Season tickets are not easy to come by around here. Once people have them, they generally hold on to them until they die. I’ve heard of people keeping the deaths of their parents and grandparents a secret just to keep the tickets in the family. Or marrying into families with tickets. So, I’m sure I’m not the first to fuck for season tickets. Call me a whore, but I’m a whore who is sitting on the 40-yard line.
The attorney and I went to our first game together Saturday in the Vols 2007 home opener. They womped Southern Mississippi 39-19. That’s all I’m going to say specifically about the game. So, ya’ll can keep on reading.
Most of the people who sit around the attorney also have season tickets. So week after week, year after year, they all sit together. They have all come to know each other. I don’t know if it’s the nature of such good seats or if it’s a coincidence, but they are also all upper income types. The Fancy Folks.
I’m used to buying tickets on the street and sitting in different places from week to week. The once place that I do not feel uneasy around a bunch of strangers is at a football game. On a football Saturday all those others clad in orange are not really strangers. We are there for a single-minded purpose. For those three or four hours, they are simply my 108,000 closest friends.
I didn’t feel that usual-pigskin induced comfort this time. It’s one thing when you are the outsider, sitting among the Fancies for just one week. They’ll never see you again. But when you are being brought in to be a part of the group, you can’t help but feel the scrutiny. It felt like when Audrey Hepburn goes to the horse races in “My Fair Lady.”
Everyone was very nice, but I couldn’t help but wonder what was on their minds. There had to be an opinion that I was in a Vols T-shirt and jeans when all the other men were in orange polos and Dockers. That may have only been because of the relative difference in age. (I was definitely the youngest one in the group.) There had to be an opinion that I’m blue-collar. There had to be an opinion about why the person who used to hold the attorney’s extra season ticket was no longer there. Maybe there was not a usual person in the seat. Maybe the attorney took different friends to the game. And if that’s the case, what are they going to think when I’m back at the next home game.
That’s the thing about strangers. They are the most intimidating when you’re trying to make them no longer strangers.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:09 am
They were probably whispering… “Oh… this is the Attorney’s new man. Wow. This one is hung like a horse. Lucky bastard!”
September 10th, 2007 at 11:10 am
Relax Eliza Doolittle — Just be your normal charming self and enjoy the game.
September 10th, 2007 at 11:39 am
Tony, the only thing that people notice are your manners…..
September 10th, 2007 at 12:31 pm
relax and just enjoy the game. who cares what the strangeers may OR may not think of you. in the end, you become table-top conversation amongst the fancy folks. darling, smirk and revel in it. you know you love the paparazzi life.
September 10th, 2007 at 12:47 pm
Tony, Tony, Tony,
First of all, there is nothing wrong with you except you’ve not experienced being around people are in awe of you. I’m with the rest of them, your manners speak for themselves, your looks alone turn heads (not everyone can be charming and good looking) plus you’re with the Attorney, who has excellent taste. Sit back and relax, enjoy the game. Stand, scream and shout, who cares? At least they know you’re a fan of the Vols. That alone means you’re a class act.
Now, I read Brett Cajun this a.m. Are you really going to let him get by with his comments about LSU being the greatest team of all time? At least you sat through the game. A little migraine isn’t going to stop our Tony from a satisfactory weekend.
Keep it coming. Great, guy, great writer, great style and a dick to match. Some people have it all.
September 10th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Just think how proud he must be knowing all the men and women there are checking you out. Get about a 1/3 wood in your shorts and watch their reaction.
September 10th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
“… in a Vols T-shirt and jeans”. Would these be the magic jeans?
September 10th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
They were impressed with how sweet you seem. Do they know that you were the attorney’s date? Is he out to them? I wonder…is there ever much opportunity at such events to have real conversations with people? I can’t help but think that if they get to know you and how well you express yourself, etc. that they’ll naturally come to like you.
Unless, of course, they’re assholes.
If so, fuck the lot of them.
September 10th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I certainly hope that you DID stand up sometime during the game, Audrey, and yell, “Move yer bloomin’ arse!”
Be yourself, Tony! It’s thems that have the problem, if there is one.
September 10th, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Tony
You may want to invest in an orange polo shirt and a pair of dockers.
Dockers will show off your manly assets much better than jeans.
September 10th, 2007 at 7:40 pm
It is probably your “I heart Jake” pin that had them raising their eyebrows.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
Now that’s cute, “boyfriend with benefits.” I think that you and the attorney share a lot of benefits together, moreso than just season tickets.
If the other season ticket holders are thinking anything, the women are probably lusting after you, and the men are probably feeling a bit insecure with penis envy.
September 10th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Congratulations on sitting on the 40 yard line. It must have been great.
Now that you can call the attorney your boyfriend, another of the ‘benefits’ should be making you feel comfortable in his milieu, with his associates and friends. He should let you know, in general terms, who used the other ticket in the past and how he, the attorney, handled that. It seems to me, like any good host, he should figure out how to make you feel comfortable on the 40 yard line, not just with him, but also with the people he’s used to sitting with.
Tony, the surrounding ‘fancy folk’ are probably wishing they were with someone as kind, smart, enthusiastic (and, yes, young and hot) as you. If they have a chance to get to know you, how could they not be impressed?
September 10th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
Just shout out “move your bloomin arse!” next time:)
September 10th, 2007 at 11:28 pm
Tony, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Those fancy folks are probably just figuring out what’s going down/up/on the attorney! LOL
September 11th, 2007 at 12:47 am
I’m thinking the pale orange polo, lightweight cotton dockers, no underwear, a cockring, and a semi-woody. Stand up and down a lot.
Nah, let’em talk with you. They’re just normal people with shitloads of money. The more non-plussed you are, the easier it is. Impress them with your STYLE.
Jay
September 11th, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I’m with Gene on this one.
The attorney should have your back.
Your knowledge of the game is your entre into the group conversation.
And if you are in fact the youngest among the crowd , you’re already a person of interest.
No worries.
September 11th, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Ah Tony! What are you worried about? These people put their pants on one leg at at time too. They would probably give up all their money just to be as young as you are or as hung as you are! LOL
September 11th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
So, y’all are official now? And bump what people might be thinking. Enjoy the game and your man(?).
September 11th, 2007 at 9:33 pm
I doubt anyone cares (much) about class, race, status, orientation or even size (eek!) at the stadium on game days as long as you are an enthusiastic and knowledgeable fan. (Fans who bring guests who support the visiting team or spend the whole time gossiping about other subjects should be banned.) I was on the wait list for years to get season tickets to The Big House (M alumnus here) before I moved from A2. The only thing better than marrying someone with season tickets is marrying someone who actually knows and enjoys the game.
September 12th, 2007 at 3:29 am
GENE IS RIGHT ON ,ON THIS
September 12th, 2007 at 11:13 am
It just dawned on me: I’ve always been good in one-upping people who flaunt their wealth. In such a case I would bring up opera. Or Immanuel Kant
Obviously neither of these will work at a football game 
so here’s a fashion tip: they wear Dockers (yikes), you wear linen. It’s a cool fabric and it drapes well 
September 12th, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Lord and Lady Douche Bag
September 15th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
The attorney is cock whipped if I ever saw it. You should use the box seats to enjoy yourself. You have earned it.
December 15th, 2007 at 11:05 am
My family has tickets on the 30. I know the type. But I stick to my jeans/t-shirt. I also stand up, yell and cheer, which sometimes ruffles their feathers too. Just cheer loud. And know that you have one less stranger in the mix of 108,000. Go Big Orange!