LARGETONY Blog

You are all aware of the object of my obsession.

I’ve devoted several thousand words to him a few times on this very blog. I’ve burned a few hours scouring the net for pictures of People’s sexiest bachelor. I’ve replayed the tent scene from “Brokeback Mountain” over and over in my head (with my face pasted over Heath Ledger’s). I’ll even admit that I’ve watched the Santa dance from “Jarhead” repeatedly until I’m forced to stop and take care of myself. But, I never let it control me. I was a functioning Gyllenhallic.

Until my friend Larry (The Love Lemming) got me hooked on some much harder stuff. I got myself hooked on Jake, but Larry is the one who taught me how to cook it.

Any of you who read Larry before he stopped blogging knows that he is a computer gamer. One of his gaming passions is TheSim2. Now, I’m a SimCity player from way back when I was in high school. I have owned every version of that game. It was the only computer game I ever owned until I got interested in TheSims2 from Larry’s blog.

But, even when I bought and tried The Sims2 about a year ago, I was mostly interested in the building houses part of the game more so than the virtual lives of the characters in the game. The home construction aspect was sort of a more specific version of the city-building in SimCity.

Fascinating as it was, I just didn’t into watching the little animated people go through their daily lives eating, sleeping, and shitting (Yes, they go to the bathroom when needed)….that is until, Larry said to me a couple of weeks ago, “I got some good stuff for you to try, man. You’re gonna love this shit.”

Okay, he didn’t really say that. But if it was a movie from the ’80′s, he would have. He also would have opened a little baggie and poured a similated Jake out on the table in front of my amazed eyes.

You see, one of the things about TheSims2 is that much of the content of the game is customizable in look. There are people who devote hours to creating custom content: furniture, cars, wall paper, clothes…even the Sims (that’s what the characters are called) themselves. This custom stuff is available all over the internet for download into your own game. And someone made a Sim that is an amazing replica of Jake.

Larry came across it and told me about it. I downloaded it and put it into the game and the likeness was incredible. I had my own private Jake that I could make do whatever I want. Part of the game lets you create new Sims and you can pick hair color, facial features, and clothing. If you spend a little time…even with the basic game you can make people who sort of look like people you know. Some people are harder than others, but I figured if I had a Jake Sim, I needed a Tony Sim for him to play with. (You know how pets always like another pet to roll around with).

You don’t really have many options for body types in the game. Not like you do with facial features. But luckily the Sims are basically skinny and long armed and legged, so once I got the face figured out (it’s amazing how much you don’t know about the nuances of your own face until you try to recreate it) all I had to do was put him in a wife-beater and jeans and BAM! A little LT.

I dropped my doppelganger (one of my favorite words, and one which I never get to use) into the game with Jake and they took to each other immediately, kissing on the sidewalk in front of their house while the voyeuristic newsboy watched.

I went on a four-day Jake bing. I even went out and bought one of the expansion packs for the game.

If I was addicted to Jake before, I’m in danger of intervention now. I really am burning away too many of my free hours now. Next thing I know, I will have gained 40 lbs from physical inactivity (other than my mouse hand) and my butt will be even flatter from sitting in a computer chair for hours on end.

I was telling my friend Steve about it and he laughed at me and said I was basically playing dolls. The frightening thing is that he is sort of right. SimJake and SimTony have a dream house (SimTony even has a white pickup in the driveway) and a wardrobe, and I make them interact with each other.

But how often has Barbie soaked in bubble bath, before getting dressed up for a date with Ken, where they come home later and Barbie goes down (NSFW) on him as a prelude to getting busy in the sack (NSFW)?

Playing dolls, perhaps. But this ain’t your mother’s Barbie. It’s my own private Jake.

This entry was posted on Friday, August 31st, 2007 at 9:47 pm and is filed under humor, just jake. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.