Route 69
How is it that those of us born in late June or early July got saddled with a zodiac sign like Cancer? Who decided on that name? How did we get that when others got things like Gemini or Aries.
I’m sure Cancer comes from some astrological something-or-other or ancient Roman mythology, too. But in this day and age, it’s a tough label to have. Maybe it’s just me, but I always feel a little off saying to someone, “I am Cancer.” It’s like I’m setting myself up for an insult. After all, I know some people who are cancers, but it rarely has anything to do with their birthdays.
Then there’s the mascot for the sign. A crab. Cancer and crab. If it’s not a debilitating disease then it’s a hygienic complication. Yeah, I know people who just love rooting around in somebody’s short and curlies, but once again, it has very little to do with their birthday. I realize that the Cancer crab is the sea creature and not the pubic creature, but still it offers plenty of opportunity to get insulted.
My understanding is that a crab is used to represent Cancers because those of us born under that sign hold some of the traits as the shellfish. We’re homebodies and very tied to our surroundings (crabs carry their homes on their backs) and we sidestep conflict (crabs move sideways) but when forced into it we hold on (with our claws) refusing to let go. And perhaps our legs are pretty tasty dipped in butter.
But why doesn’t the astrological symbol for Cancer look like a crab? The Pisces symbol looks like a fish. The Libra symbol looks like a scale. The Cancer symbol looks like 69.
Scorpios are supposedly sex fiends, so I guess it makes sense they are represented by something with a stinger. Does this mean Cancers supposed to be obsessed with 69? Sixty-nine, the act, I mean. You know…mouth to crotch pleasuring..two spoons mislaid in the drawer.
Well, for the record, this Cancer is not obsessed with 69. In fact, this Cancer really doesn’t like it. At all.
I like the things that are going on during 69. I just don’t like them going on at the same time.
Sixty-nine is too much work. Sex shouldn’t be work. It should be fun. Well, unless sex is your work. Then I imagine it’s not that much fun. Except maybe if it’s somebody’s birthday and somebody brings in a cake. Or you’re drawing names for Secret Santa.
Anyway, sixty-nine is a lot to deal with. First off there’s nothing spontaneous about it. You don’t start fooling around and just find yourself in that position. You have to consciously make it happen: adjust the pillows, watch that elbow, careful not to tea bag. Hell, it’s easier for your partner to trip and fall throat-first onto your dong than it is to set up sixty-nine.
Also, sixty-nine requires a certain concentration. Maybe I’m simple-minded, but I have trouble splitting my focus like that. (I never was good at rubbing my belly and patting my head at the same time.)
I’m sorry, but when my knob is getting swabbed, that all that is going on. It’s my whole world for a good half hour or so (depending on technique). There are no wars; no natural disasters; no Paris, Brittney, or Lindsay. There isn’t even football. So how in the hell can I possibly focus on a pecker that isn’t even mine? I’m not even sure I’m aware that other peckers exist during those moments. Not even the one poking at my lips.
But, I’m not completely selfish. I’m willing to give the six all the attention it needs…just not while you’re satisfying the nine.
August 28th, 2007 at 1:22 am
I agree about the sixty-nine; everything in its own good time. As for the Cancer thing, this is one of your “crabiest” blogs. Something got your goat? (And I don’t mean a Capricorn). But I’m not complaining, just observing.
August 28th, 2007 at 2:13 am
Clever ending. I bet your legs are tasty in butter too, mine spread easier with butter =P
August 28th, 2007 at 5:33 am
Imagine saying you’re a Scorpio
August 28th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Butter on this Cancers legs messes with all the hair… not pretty… but I like being a Cancer… having birthday in middle of the year evenly spaces out presents during the year… tee hee…
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August 28th, 2007 at 8:00 am
I agree with your discussion on the sign name and animal, but not the act.
August 28th, 2007 at 10:12 am
Great blog. And I agree wholeheartedly about the act. I think it’s entirely overated, much like the simultaneous orgasm. When I’m getting my jollies I don’t want to be distracted by trying to focus on someone else. Similarly if I’m focused on your nine (a common fantasy I think); it’s hard to sustain my focus if I’m constantly distracted by all those good feelings on my 9 (my own fantasy).
August 28th, 2007 at 10:25 am
I couldn’t agree more, Tony: multitasking is for computers. Hey, did I mention I’m a true blue Scorpio?
August 28th, 2007 at 12:03 pm
OUCH! Was that a swipe at an Ex? Touche!
I love 69ing while feeling the nice strong legs and meaty buttocks of another…. I mean… my BF. I am in ecstacy during those times.
And I can’t believe you put a sex act above Tenneessee Vol football. Nothing should come between your Rocky Top on the Gridiron. Nothing!
August 28th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Although we share the same zodiac sign , the subject hasn’t come up in social conversation since the ‘ 80’s! Sixty-nine is usefull on a rainy day spent entirely in bed leisurely watching videos, eating ice cream and generally indulging oneself. You may find the inability to multi-task will hinder you in 21st century America. Who isn’t able to text and sex at the same time?
August 28th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I AM SO STEALING THAT LAST PARAGRAPH. I intend to use it sparingly; but as accurately as possible.
At least til you move to NY. rofl!!!
August 28th, 2007 at 6:22 pm
I am with you on the 69 thing. It demands way too much concentration on my part. Though the clever 6 and 9 para won’t work for me.
I am cursed with the damed Virgo sign. That’s right, the VIRGIN. Yeah, not.
August 28th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Okay, because I’m a big Astrology nerd, I’m going to skip over the whole “69″ portion of this and just focus on the Cancerian bit…
For the record, the symbol for Cancer is supposed to represent the claws of the crab (possibly only after they’ve been boiled and torn from the said crab’s body, given the angle)… it’s also supposed to represent the “human breasts” given that that’s the part of the body that Cancer rules over… and symbolically it’s two circles of the Sun connected to two cresent moons… the moons represent Cancer’s desire to store memories and possessions, the cirlces represent force and energy expressed through emotions and imagination.
And for the record, as far as actual 69ing goes, I’m with you Tony… I like to be doing one thing at a time… if I’m 6ing your 9, then I want to concentrate on only that… and if you’re 9ing my 6 then I want to lay back and stop paying attention to anything else… other than, you know, perhaps making encouraging moaning sounds every now and again.
August 28th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
I’m a Taurus. All we get is to be bull headed. How sad is that?!?
August 29th, 2007 at 1:58 am
You do have a way with words. A nice word.
August 29th, 2007 at 8:38 pm
I don’ t mind 69 but I really just prefer to give than receive. lol Think we’d get along?
August 29th, 2007 at 11:43 pm
Being a crab myself, I think your characterization hits the nail right on the head. My friend often says that I’m moving sideways… And the rest is true for me as well.
Talking about 69. Still better than 68 - you blow him and he owes you one.
In fact, I like 69, as well as 6ing and 9ing seperately, depends on the current mood.
August 30th, 2007 at 1:21 am
my greatest fantasy is to do your 9 while looking @ u & slobbering while u tell me & guide …me would luv to be your bed linen!!?!?
Jk
August 31st, 2007 at 8:29 pm
One of my favorite moments in one of my favorite movies is young Jodi Foster telling Robero DeNiro that she’s attracted to Cancers.
August 31st, 2007 at 8:57 pm
I’ve never been a 69 fan. It distracts and takes away from the other person. I like to generate or get or give a reaction. it’s hard to do that when everyone is so self-involved.