Crossing Your Teas
I hate sweet tea.
I have been accused by my friend “J” of having Yankee blood because of my dislike of it.
Those of you who live any place outside the southern United States probably don’t understand that sweet tea is like mother’s milk around here. It comes in I-V’s at southern hospitals. I think some of the early designs for the confederate flag included a picture of a tall sweating glass of the cloudy sugary mess.
Just to clarify (for all you Yankees, foreigners, and terrorists), you don’t say “sweetened tea.” That’s tea where you add sugar to taste. You say “sweet tea.” That’s sugar with tea added. (Roughly three parts sugar, two parts tea, and a whole lot of disgusting).
And, actually, to be truly correct you say “sweetea.” One word.
Granted, I have a really low tolerance for liquid sugar since I stopped drinking soft drinks a couple of years ago, but I have never like sweetea.
Mostly, these days, I just drink water. But every once in a while I want a little more flavor. I know there are flavored waters. But I don’t like full-strength Kool-Aid, so why would I want a pinch of it mixed in a bottle of water? That’s like being into watersports and having your partner just shake the excess droplets on you instead of unleashing a a hot splashy piss all over you. (For the record, I am not into piss, but I imagine that it’s one of those things that if you like it, you don’t just dabble in it…nor dibble in it, as the case may be.)
Now, since sweetea is just tea with just enough sugar added so that it does not dissolve, why is it so hard to get unsweetened tea at a restaurant or a drive-thru? It starts out as unsweetened tea and one of the options on the menu is unsweetened tea. But, it never gets into my glass or cup as unsweetened tea. Even when I stress the “un” and add the pause. “I’d like an unsweetened - one Mississippi, two Mississippi - tea, please.”
No matter what I say the waitress seems to only hear sweetea. I think if I ordered a flaming cup of the blood and bile of unborn fetuses, I’d still get a sweetea. (Wait a minute…I think that is a recipe for sweetea.) There’s an old joke about how southern people call all soft drinks a Coke. You want a Sprite, you order Coke. Maybe so. But what you’re going to get is a sweetea.
Maybe it’s southern obstinance. Sort of like “If you come to America, by God, you ought to be talking American!”
“If you come to the South, by God, you out to be drinking Southern!” (God does favor Americans and Southerners over everyone else, you know. I’m sure he speaks American - even though it’s not a language- and drinks sweetea - even though it’s not consumable.)
It could be the fact that I have a sort of thick accent. Not that they can’t understand me. They understand me perfectly because they are Southern like me. But because it’s clear I’m Southern, they figure I must mean sweetea…because that is what we drink. Or maybe they refuse to accept that unsweetened tea even exists. As an actual drink, I mean. To them it’s just step one in the process. Like sliced bread is to toast.
I would like to be able to say that it’s just an honest mistake. They’re in a hurry and got their teas crossed. And I would say that if it didn’t happen 75% of the time I go through a drive-thru (which isn’t all that often). I’d be more accurate if I said they just don’t give a shit. They figure you’ll be a few blocks down the road before you take a sip and realize you have a value-sized sugar coma in your fist. This is the most sound theory, based on the time that I tasted my drink before pulling out (like other things, I have learned to not pull out until there’s satisfaction) and realized I didn’t have unsweetened tea. The half-lidded put out response I got from the girl at the window was, “Yeah, we ran out of unsweet before your cup was full, so I just topped it off with sweetea. You don’t want it?”
Well, I have Bill gates next billion-dollar idea. It won’t take a lot of effort. Just a few modifications to existing Windows software for use in fast-food drive-thrus. When the worker selects unsweetened tea a dialog will pop up that says, “You have selected unsweetened tea. Is this correct?” And then there will be buttons for “Yes,” “No,” and “Cancel” If you click yes, you will then get warning dialog that says “Are you sure you want unsweetened tea? Click “Continue” to proceed. Click “Back” to change order. WARNING: If you click “Continue,” the order will be processed without sugar. This can not be undone.” And if they try to mix the sweet and unsweet, they will get a blue screen and have to reboot.
The flaw in this, of course, is that it requires the clerk to be able to read. I’m not sure all fast food workers are up to that challenge. After all, a lot of places have pictures on the cash register keys instead of words. I guess someone could design little pictures to distinguish the teas from each other. Maybe sweetea could have a picture of a cup with granules being poured into it.
Nah, cause then I’d just get tea with salt in it. Saltea.
July 23rd, 2007 at 5:46 am
I actually really do not like tea all that much. About the only reason I drink it is because, well it’s there. Which kind of sounds stupid.
July 23rd, 2007 at 6:56 am
You don’t like sweetea, Sweetie? Scandalous!
July 23rd, 2007 at 9:19 am
I’m with you Tony. Although I grew up just north of the Mason-Dixon line, in southeastern Pennsylvania, all of my grandparents were from the Virginia-North Carolina area (just over the hills from you). My maternal grandmother was a great ‘farmwife’ cook, but she served the sweetetest sweetea you can never hope to imagine. I was the only one in the whole extended family that couln’t abide the stuff. My younger brother (with the six coke a day habit) used to ridicule my taste buds and swore I must be adopted since I would ask for unsweetened tea. Fortunately where I live in the metropolitan DC area most places will provide unsweetened tea without making it a federal case. Now if we could only get the high fructose corn syrup out of bottled teas . . .
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:07 am
Now I never would have understood this post had I not lived in Georgia that one summer. I ordered my first ever iced tea in Athens and added two packs of sugar as I usually would at home where iced tea is served unsweetened. Of course it was then completely undrinkable. Fortunately, I explained to the staff that I was just a stupid Yankee that never had real Southern ice tea, or sweetea, as you so eloquently put it, and they gave me another for free. I love the whole computer selection scenario (are you sure you want unsweetened, this cannot be undone) ; that is really a hoot. But the easiest way for you to get unsweetened ice tea is just to come North. We have plenty of it here. Or, you could just buy the tea and make sun tea out on your porch.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:26 am
I had to laugh at your post Tony! I travel for work and whenever I’m in the South I always have to ask for UNsweetened tea and they act like it’s a crime. Of course I have a Yankee accent so I suppose they can forgive me.
July 23rd, 2007 at 10:37 am
a: they cant read. that’s why there only trusted to push pictures on the cash-registers.
b: this is where being a bitchy NY’er comes in handy. Your southern drawl speech impediment aside; an “And I only want the tea without the sugur, SUGAR!” comes in handy.
c: try the new Snapp;e Red Tea Sugar Free. the taste is different and guess whats not in the bottle.
d: and this is the one that’ll work. take six bags of earl grey tea, add two slivers of fresh peeled ginger, fill a bottle or jar with a 1/2 gallon of water and leave it in the sun for a full day. It’s what we northerners call sun tea and its fantastic.
good luck getting billy-boy to market that idea. I think its great.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:13 am
What’s this “you Yankees” crap? We drank “Iced Tea” at least twice a year in Massachusetts.
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:31 am
My first experience with sweetea was when my sister moved to Atlanta. They should come labeled “Diabetics Beware”. Now whenever I visit ‘ole sis I order lemonade!
July 23rd, 2007 at 11:35 am
Tony, that was a hilarious post! Being a fellow Tennessean, I can’t say that I agree with your dislike of the “House wine of the South”, but it was funny indeed. And as someone who has worked in the hospitality industry for years, I understand your frustration at not having your “odd” requests granted. You must get many astonished looks in response! Thanks for the giggle.
July 23rd, 2007 at 12:08 pm
You don’t like sweetea? I LOVE IT! And I’m in Illinois! I actually make my own at home (and drink 2 gallons a week). But I make a sugar syrup and brew it with the tea and water and it’s not so sweet. I really feel for ya, because in the south I’ve never had to ask for sweet tea. Just say ‘tea.’ Maybe you should ask for ‘iced tea with no sugar.’ It sounds quite proper, but that’s how the Yankees would say it!
Love your blog, BTW!
July 23rd, 2007 at 1:01 pm
I drink UNSWEET ICED TEA so I can add TWO BLUES (Equal) and a PINK (Sweet-in-Low). Usually sweet tea tastes too damned sweet to me. I drink iced tea more than I drink milk, coke, or water. It soothes my soul.
July 23rd, 2007 at 4:59 pm
No sugar for me in my tea. I like it a little bitter, just like the men I go after.
July 23rd, 2007 at 8:16 pm
I hear ya w/the sweetea. Not a fan.
I just haven’t figured out exactly where the magical line is where tea becomes sweetea. Depending where you are, if you ask for tea, you get it unsweetened w/out asking….and others it is sweet w/out you asking.
I made that mistake in Richmond, VA the other day. In NoVA, it is regular ole tea - just the way I like it. Not so much 2 hrs south.
July 24th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
i like sweetea. but i prefer unsweetened. definitely!
and youve been missed my friend. hope all is well.
July 24th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
One additional thought Tony; isn’t sweet tea what they push right before
CNBC, et. al., arrests you for being a PERVE.
Your taste buds are correct. stick to the natural stuff.
July 24th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
I love iced tea! My boyfriend bought me an iced tea maker, and I constantly say, “For being the most stupid invention ever made, I LOVE IT!”
He knows me.
Tea goes on top (I use green) and any additional stuff (lemon, and a squirt of honey is my recipe - once a teaspoon of instant coffee [it was actually okay], but I don’t drink coffee), you fill the body of the contraption with water; You turn it on; the water heats and goes up a spout into the tea area, it steeps in that chamber, and then slowly empties into a pitcher of ice you have waiting. You barely have to clean anything. I LOVE IT! It’s actually called a Mr. Coffee Iced Tea Maker. BTW, Boston Market (chain up north only?) has unsweetened tea as an option at their self serve soda thingy.
Right now a glass of cabernet and I’m waiting for cleaning solution to do its weekly job on the bathtub.
July 24th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I’m confused. Is sweetea the same as iced tea or are you referring to the kind you steep in a teapot? The former I drink sweetened, and with a lemon wedge on the side. When I make my own I infuse the whole pitcher with fresh mint leaves. Here you can get regular or diet iced tea but both are sweet, although one uses some kind of diet sugar.
July 24th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Oh, goodness…. I’m getting the vapors!
I cannot find any decent sweetea here in Houston, with the exception of two restaurants. Sometimes I don’t even want the food they serve, but I’ll suffer through for some good ol’ fashioned sweetea. NO LEMON. Never any lemon.
Go back up North, you Yankee bastard*.
*Please note the hidden humor, Yankee bastard.
July 25th, 2007 at 10:57 am
Hubby and I used to travel for his work. We lived in a fifth-wheel travel trailer for five years (yep, that’s us–trailer trash!). Every time it would rain, we’d head for the bedroom. The trailer had an aluminum roof——HEAVEN!!!
July 25th, 2007 at 3:35 pm
I’ve never heard it referred to as sweetea or sweet tea. it’s Iced tea, and always served unsweetened. You do that yourself with table sugar or splenda. At least that’s how it is in California.
Never liked the stuff. I drink diet coke or diet Dr pepper. and I’m sure you give a rat’s ass.
July 27th, 2007 at 8:41 pm
Maybe the “Coke” thing is a Kentucky/Tennessee phenomenon. I went to school in Michigan but I distinctly remember my fraternity brother from Tennessee, who called every soft drink “Coke,” and the girl from Louisville who did the same thing. My friends from Nawlins and Jackson nrever call it “Coke” when it’s Sprite or Root Beer or “Dew.”
I know what you mean about getting the wrong thing at the drive-thru. How come I can never get a hamburger (that’s not “cheeseburger”) when I stop, on rare occasion, at the Wendy’s drive-thru? And I never remember to check before I drive away, because if I’m driving thru a Wendy’s, I must be in a hurry and desparate.
Incidentally, the only thing worse than sweetea is “diet” sweetea.
July 28th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Sweet tea is the house wine of the south. I keep some in my fridge almost constantly. All my friends now know there is no such thing as just plain tea at my place. It is sweet tea or nothing. (Ok, I do server cold water) I will admit I’ve cut back to just one tea spoon (not teaspoon) of sugar instead of two.
I always love going home and seeing “sweetea” on the menu’s.
July 29th, 2007 at 1:49 am
GASP!
August 7th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I am appaulled that you don’t drink Sweat tea. Boy, you a’int right. I have one restaurant ONE tony, that i can get sweat tea at here and I kiss the floor every time I go there.