Why Ask Why
I rolled over to see the attorney step out of bed. His back was to me as he slid his silk boxers up those long legs to cover his naked ass. I watched him stride to the open window where a gentle breeze caused the gauzy curtains to billow and kiss the bronzed skin of his chest as he looked out on the sunset.
At least that is how it would happen in the movie version. In reality, I heard his knees pop (too much jogging) as he got up and I rolled over to see him dig his cotton boxer briefs out of his ass because he yanked them up too fast. (It’s interesting how even after four or five months, he is still is kind of modest about being full blown naked.) There was no open window because it was actually a humid 90 degrees outside (yep, it’s spring time in Tennessee…which means it’s like summer) and the A/C was going full blast. So, I watched him in the mirror through the open bathroom door while he checked the sunburn on his shoulders (and his little bald spot) from where he cut the grass earlier in the day.
He seems to get more concerned about the bald spot every day. Because he about 6′-5″, most people don’t even know it’s there. But having been in the position to stand above him (you figure it out) I do know it’s there. So now, something he never worried about before is consuming him.
The next shot of the movie would have had me coming up behind him, wearing only his crisp white button-down shirt. It would be over-sized on me. I would have had to roll the cuffs up and the tail of the shirt would just cover the cup of my butt. I would wrap my arms around him, inhale his after-sex manliness, and lay my head on his shoulder as the breeze tousled my bangs.
Actually I got up, short-haired, and completely bare-assed, and scooted past him in the bathroom to take a piss. It wasn’t even an elegant movie-style piss. It was one of those still half-hard multi-spurt pisses that you are never quite sure are finished.
“Couldn’t wait a couple more minutes?” he asked me.
“It’s not like you have never seem my dick before. Or tasted it. Or a lot of other things., ” I added. ” So what’s the big deal about seeing it piss?” I don’t share the modesty about the body with him. And he doesn’t share the same lack of modesty with me. It’s not a issue for either of us. Just a difference.
It’s the strange thing about attraction. All those little differences and insecurities you use as an excuse as to why you never show up on anyone’s radar sort of temporarily vanish when you finally become a blip on the screen. But as the signal gets stronger and stronger, the doubts come back full force.
It’s not enough to know that someone likes you. You want to know why.
Just like the attorney starting to obsess about his bald spot, I find myself obsessing about my short-comings: Why does the graduate of a prestigious law school want to spend time with someone who didn’t go to college? Why does one of the most eligible single men in town want to keep company with a self proclaimed hermit who lives with his grandmother?
His bald spot doesn’t mean a thing to me. So why can’t I accept the same from him? Maybe because it’s seems too good to be true. Maybe because I don’t think I deserve it. Maybe because I’m afraid of fucking it up.
I went back to the bed and he followed me. The sheets were cool again from the A/C, so we snuggled up. His arm was around me, our legs entwined and we drifted off to sleep. Two big-eared gangly goof-balls have a private afternoon in the middle of suburbia. That’s something you don’t even see in the movies much.
So, why ask why?
May 28th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
One of your best pieces. Loved it!
“It’s the strange thing about attraction. All those little differences and insecurities you use as an excuse as to why you never show up on anyone’s radar sort of temporarily vanish when you finally become a blip on the screen. But as the signal gets stronger and stronger, the doubts come back full force.” WOW! Beautiful. And so true!
Thanks for writing,
N
May 28th, 2007 at 4:27 pm
Beutiful. You deserve to be with each other. All of us are human, and all carry some sense of ‘unworthiness’. It often takes the affection of others to make us believe we are ‘worthy’ in and of ourselves. Just by being. You do know your attorney cares as much about your academic background and living arrangements about as much as you care about his bald spot. Take care of each other. Worry less, care more. I know, easier said than done.
May 28th, 2007 at 5:07 pm
You’re nutzzz. Trust your avid readers. You guys are fine and growing stronger.
It’s silly that we question the most sane things about ourselves and each other. My BoiF had a temporary issue with his toothbrush. I’d forgotten mine ONCE, and he lost it. Like your great comment about sharing, I told him that his tongue was intimate with places on my body my own doctors feared to tread without adequate permissions, so what’s your problem with my plaque????????
As I found out and you described in closing your post… as long as your returning to the same bed and finding your rightful place(s) with each other, wrapped in each other, your doing just fine.
Only those arrogant enough not to question growing deeper into each other fail.
May 28th, 2007 at 8:25 pm
Aww that is so awesome that you’re starting to have great moments like that… and you never know, your movie might play out one of these days, maybe during the winter season when it starts cooling down and you don’t need the A/C heheh..
It is strange though… usually whenever the rare occasion occurs that someone takes in interest in me, I often wonder about my short comings as well. I mean, I don’t have a great body (yet) and I don’t have a huge piece between my legs (although I hear my ass is pretty great hehe), I still wonder what that person sees in me. It definitely feels like it’s too good to be true. And that might be one of my major dating faults… not having enough confidence in myself to know what I’ve got. Ahh well… someday I’ll figure it out
May 29th, 2007 at 7:56 am
So is the question why do you have doubts or why you do not share those feelings with each other?
May 29th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Another thought provoking essay. You may not have gone to college but you’re a genius in my book.
May 29th, 2007 at 8:59 am
I dunno. Sounds like true love to me. It couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. You deserve it Tony. Enjoy it.
May 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
awesome. well done. i try not to ask why. im glad you arent. either.
May 29th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
Exactly. Why ask why. Enjoy what you have. Some of us have never had it (and are fearing that we never will). Are y’all “official” yet?
Oh, and stop comparing yourself to him. I’m sure y’all balance. Just because someone has a JD doesn’t mean that they’re any better than someone with a GED. I know some REALLY surprisingly unprofessional and dumb people who have Masters degrees. For what it’s worth, you are smart. Just because you didn’t go to college doesn’t mean anything. And you’re getting out to see him, so you’re not too much of a hermit.
May 29th, 2007 at 4:50 pm
Also, if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear that you took a picture of you two sleeping there.
May 29th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Excellent!
May 29th, 2007 at 6:47 pm
Well of course you’re now ‘dating’. The fear of fucking it up is the BIG sign. We all do (and have done) that.
May 29th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
The real version is far more moving and beautiful than the movie version. Such a wonderful piece of your heart and mind in this writing. Even if you are unsure as to why your attorney likes you, we, your readers know.
May 29th, 2007 at 9:31 pm
That sounds absolutely divine… just get him out of the habit of pulling the boxers on and it would be perfect.
May 30th, 2007 at 8:13 am
“Why does the graduate of a prestigious law school want to spend time with someone who didn’t go to college? Why does one of the most eligible single men in town want to keep company with a self proclaimed hermit who lives with his grandmother?”
:sigh: sometimes all it takes is we believe that someone, no matter who or what they are, they are simply falling deeply inlove with someone
May 30th, 2007 at 11:07 pm
that’s nice.
May 31st, 2007 at 12:12 am
‘So why ask why?’…..don’t LT. Just go with the heart and try to leave the insecurities behind. Sometimes people just want others in their life that are simple and uncomplicated. Knowledge, a sheepskin, looks, etc. don’t always mean a person is appealing. You just go about being yourself Mr. LT. I am sure he is quite charmed w/ you (for all the right reasons) and that is what matters.
May 31st, 2007 at 4:17 am
I’m kinda a modest guy too. Not sure if I could walk about in the buff
May 31st, 2007 at 3:02 pm
You could ask, actually. Sometimes it’s worth clearing the air if you think you’re gonna KEEP thinking that over and over. I’m suspecting the reason he’d give you is “because I love you for everything you are. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t.” Or something like that.
May 31st, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Well, if it helps, I think I just fell in love.
June 7th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Baby, this piece is so lovely. Get it, dude - going to college would only make you more educated; it wouldn’t make you one bit wiser than you already are. Your heart, your brains, and your body? Your hunk knows just what a catch he’s landed in you. You’re right - he’s a smart man.
June 13th, 2007 at 1:22 am
hun, ur insecurities are understandable and so are his. I dont think they are anything unusual, in fact they’re usual! ENJOY THE RIDE, it may take you somewhere. BTW, i love ur writing.
December 5th, 2007 at 2:59 am
I luv your writing & i would luv to see U n the buff & pissing!!