Sixteen, Going On Seventeen
Seventeen years ago, on May 1, 1990, two big black men slowly walked me into a small room that had blinds on the window and a funny smell. They held on to each of my skinny arms the way a bird dog holds game in his jaws: firm enough that you can’t get away, but gentle enough to do no damage. I think they were afraid I would pass out. I guess that happens a lot when a kid first sees his mother dead.
I didn’t pass out. I didn’t even cry. Because I don’t think I felt anything at he time.
I remember the mundane details. Like how the big orderly had such severe razor burn that a blind man could have read “Gone With The Wind” by tracing his fingertips over the bumps. Like how the sunlight diffuse and speckled against the perpendicular wall from behind the closed blinds. Like how much deeper the circles under my mother’s eyes had gotten from the dialysis, as opposed to how deep they normally were from being tired and overworked. But, I don’t remember how I felt.
You hear about people who die temporarily and have an out-of-body experience. I was having one. I had always been a pretty emotional child. My mother always called me “a feeler”(my brother was “a thinker”) and she had been the only one who ever allowed me to express my feelings. But, that day I didn’t. I guess since she represented that part of me, when she died, it died with her.
Temporarily.
I never lost my ability to feel, just the ability to express it. It’s been sixteen years of keeping things in check: happiness, sadness, anger, frustration, etc. Keeping it all to myself. But, now that it’s going on seventeen, I feel like it’s starting to change. I’m back inside myself.
Last year, on this day, I wrote a post about a bizarre dream I had involving me getting married (to someone unknown) and my mother missing the wedding. I have never been one to read much into dreams, but in hindsight I wonder if there was something to it. Maybe something (my subconscious or my mother) was telling me that it was okay to feel without her around. That it was okay to open up and let it go.
Don’t think this has brought about sixteen years of unhappiness. Happiness is just one of a huge range of emotions. So is unhappiness. Call me the glass half full, call me Anne Frank, but in general I have always been a pretty happy person. Or at least a contented one. I just didn’t express it.
I’ve discovered in the last year that when you hold in your happiness, people assume you are sad and when you hold in your anger and frustration, they take advantage. You have to express the negative emotions as well as the positive ones to live as a whole person. That doesn’t mean I need to always stomp around like Zeus hurling thunder bolts when it’s bad any more than I need to always prance around shitting rainbows and unicorns when it’s good. (Although I’ll admit to possibly shitting a unicorn lately…or at least a couple of kittens.)
Just as there is a whole range of emotions, there’s an even bigger range of ways of expressing them. The important thing is that I need to do it in the way that’s healthiest for me. If I don’t keep my emotions healthy, they might die for good.
May 1st, 2007 at 10:48 am
thank you for putting into words something that i can never explain to others…i am generally a happy person who has a generally dysthymic affect…not actually depressed, but kind of a gloom with the sun peaking through as often as possible…and it too i believe is a result of the death of my father 3 years ago…here’s to us taking back who we were…what we do…and honoring those people that let us be who we are, though they may not be here with us to celebrate life every day…love
May 1st, 2007 at 11:24 am
I’m glad you acknowledge and realize these feelings rather soon compared to me. It’s been 9 years since the loss of my mother and what an impact. No more 2 or 3 calls a week asking “Why haven’t I heard from you”, no baked goods, no gifts–father only gives cash, no more holidays in my childhood home. I’m often told I should get some Paxil or I’m asked if I forgot to take my Zoloft. When actually there might be a song in my heart. I’m not letting them know if I’m miserable or on cloud nine. My choice. My life.
May 1st, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Wow. That was amazing. Thanks for sharing such a large part of who you really are. I hope we all live up to all that you’ve just entrusted us with
May 1st, 2007 at 2:06 pm
well said. like lucas i tend and try to be a happy person but my outsides dont always match up with my insides. i try to acknowledge all my emotions. its not easy. but nothing worth it is i guess.
May 1st, 2007 at 7:19 pm
thank you for your honesty. most of us don’t have as good a source of our ‘refusing’ to feel as you. i too am glad you are ready to express your feelings again.
i don’t have trouble letting people know when i’m happy. anger and discord scare me. i agree that all emotions are important to express, release, and share. i still need to work on feeling comfortable with the full range. very tough.
for those being told to take paxil, be very smart about it. i was in the hostpital for 18 months, 8 of them in intensive care, and i was put on paxil as a ‘preventative’ in case my situation depressed me. i stayed on it, just because i have been taking a fairly robust set of medications, and my doctors didn’t want to mess with a winning combination. i went to norway, ran out of the paxil and didn’t get it refilled right away. my doctor said i didn’t really need it, he just didn’t want to cause me any possible withdrawal by removing it from my daily routins. i had an ‘awakening’, both emotional and physical. i’ll have to get awfully depressed (which is unlikely) to take an antidepressant again. but i do know some people really need them.
my goal is to stay ‘awake’ and ‘alive’. feel on!
May 1st, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Todd Rungren wrote a song title “Sometimes I don’t know what to feel” that resonated so much for me when I was younger. Frequently I couldn’t distinguish frustration from anger or infatuation from love, but as time wore on the differences became apparent. I also learned that the men I felt closest to had some experience be it a play,movie,poem or song that caused them to cry. Many men waste so much energy surpressing emotion that they lose an important part of their humanity. So glad to hear this won’t be the case for you.
May 1st, 2007 at 10:01 pm
Tony, thanks for sharing this with us. Hugs.
May 2nd, 2007 at 8:00 am
This is a wonderful post, Tony. It triggered all kinds of emotions in me. I, too “shut down” when I saw my Nana (who raised me) dead. The magnitude of what I was seeing overwhelmed me … the stillness of her body unanimated by life. At 14 years old, although I knew she was ill, I hadn’t realised she was dying. The shock was incredible. Funny the little things you remember … like seeing her old green housecoat hanging over a chair near the bed.
I’m so happy about the unicorns.
May 2nd, 2007 at 12:36 pm
I am so sorry for your loss boo. I didn’t know your past. I am sorry that you had to go through that. Glad to know you were a “feeler”. I am to. I wear all my feelings on my sleeves, and never keep any in my own pocket. Thanks for sharing this very personal post. BIG HUG.
Brett
May 2nd, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I will join Brettcajun and say that I am sorry that you had to experience such a pivotal event at such an early age. This one event probably had more to do with whom you have become than anything else. We can only wonder what might have happened if not for this one event. Had your mother lived, I think your life would be very different than what it is today.
That your expression of feelings is returning compels me to offer you Madonna’s words:
“Express Yourself!”
Peace and Hugs,
Bob / Houston
May 2nd, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Very well written and insight post T. It is good to see you develop understanding of such a fundamental character trait. So many folks go thru life just avoiding the issues until it is too late.
My family was always very “expressive” so keeping it in was never an option for me. Ironically, I think it has helped me over the years. I don’t hold grudges. I say my piece, get off my chest, and I’m over it. Time to start lovin’ again.
May 2nd, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I’m like my uncle just in the sense that I don’t suffer fools gladly. My parents were divorced when I was 19 so I saw emotions early. That was 30 years ago. Its very interesting and insightful to look back on things now.
Hopefully you will continue to look back and maybe you’ll share what you see with us!
May 3rd, 2007 at 8:10 pm
thanks for reminding me to chill, but stay honest… i think there is a way to say what we need to say while keeping sane.. and it’s necessary, or you just end up hating everyone and everything and can’t figure out why.. i try to think of it like a net - the little things get filtered out and you deal with the big things.. or you just go buttfucking crazy one day over someone putting ketchup on your hamburger when you only wanted mustard..
May 4th, 2007 at 12:18 am
LT…
I have to say it too…a thought-provoking post!! I have to wonder some times if most gay men, if not all, are ‘feelers.’ I know that I am. I am one of those that is on the cusp…sometimes expressive, sometimes internalizing.
And oh, I think Mr. Cajun wears his ‘feelings’ in a lot more places than his Sleeves. LOL (gosh, he’d kill me for saying that…hehehe!)
May 4th, 2007 at 12:19 am
O….Lt, get over to my blog to see my post for today, Thursday, 5/3. it’s on your traveling t-shirt.
May 4th, 2007 at 7:00 am
Great post Tony. I wish I could express my emotions better as well. Thanks for sharing.
May 4th, 2007 at 9:29 am
Hmm…really makes ya think.
I’m glad to read this. As long as you’re expressing your emotions, that’s good. ((HUG))
May 11th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Tony, this post really resonated with me. I’m coming up on the third anniversary of my mom’s death, and it’s always a tough day for me and my family. I try not to think of the last horrible day in the hospital, but around this time of year I can’t seem to hold those images at bay. That empty feeling of shock is something I recall very well. Great essay. Thanks.
I just discovered your blog the other day, and I’m really enjoying reading through older posts. There aren’t a lot of sexy, well written blogs out there, so your site really stands out.
May 29th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Wow. I miss reading your posts … As always it’s touching, interesting and endearing. You’re the man, Tony. The sweet man. I’m glad things sound like they are doing well for you — wishing you continued happiness and journeys.
Did I mention you’re the man?
Peace
J