Eau de Pheromone
I have discovered the secret of getting a guy’s attention when you are single: Smell like you are taken.
Like animals, I think humans put out pheromones and chemicals that say they are available and interested. But, unfortunately unlike animals, it’s really unreliable in humans. What seems to be much more reliable is the scent we apparently put out that says “someone likes me.” And you know how humans are. We only like things that other people like. If someone else likes it, it must be good.
Therefore, if someone else wants him, you want him, too.
I swear that ever since the attorney and I have been keeping time (or hanging out or dating or whatever you want to call it), other fellas have been sniffing around me like they were twelve-point bucks and I was a hunter doused in doe piss.
Like the other day at Home Depot, where the attorney and I spent what was sort of an anniversary getting supplies for little projects we are both doing in our respective homes. (He had to point it out to me, but the first time we met was actually a couple of years ago on Good Friday.)
He’s got an ongoing project getting his garage organized (in anticipation of a new car he ordered) and I’m doing some sprucing up of my spare bedroom. So, while he was off in another part of the store and I was waiting for a gallon of paint to be mixed, I went to check out light fixtures. Within a couple of minutes there was a guy cruising me so hard that I wouldn’t have been surprised to walk out of the store covered in tread marks. And I wasn’t even wearing my magic britches.
But who needs magic britches when you’re wearing TAKEN, the new fragrance from Kevin Clein.
The thing about cruising is that a guy has to do it pretty heavily for me to be sure that’s what’s going on. But when he squatted down and reached across me to get a box off a low shelf without the customary “excuse me” that comes with the reach across, I had an idea. If there was any doubt, it was washed away in a half liter of TAKEN (the new fragrance from Kevin Clein) when I stepped back and said “sorry,” and just looked up at me and said, “No. You’re good.”
A quick yank of my zipper and a slight turn to the right and I could have popped my dong in his mouth. And I don’t think he would have minded a bit.
Naturally I just moved on, but I’ll admit that in my mind I did grab the back of his head and rooted out his throat for a minute of two. (And you thought snakes were found only on the plumbing aisle.) I can’t help it. Anytime a man is crouched or on his knees around me, my mind goes there. That’s why I was never any good at baseball. I couldn’t concentrate at the plate. It’s just a good thing that catchers wear a cage on their faces.
My little friend kept popping up in different places around the store (the little friend who wanted in my britches, not the little friend in my britches. That would be my large friend. 
) and even grabbed the next lane in the checkout.
I figured that seeing me in line with the attorney would cool his jets some, but instead it just turned on the boosters. Maybe it wasn’t apparent that we were more than just shopping together. Or maybe it was the effect of a double dose of TAKEN, the new fragrance from Kevin Clein.
All I know is, if I figure out a way to bottle it, I’m going to be rich.
Get taken by smelling like you already are.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:31 am
Very amusing! I’ll have you know that it works the same way for women too.
April 10th, 2007 at 10:08 am
So, finally we have a name for “the attorney”… Kevin Clein! Cute, I love Jewish men…
April 10th, 2007 at 10:13 am
Are you trying to turn us into “sniff” freaks?
April 10th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
you never need douse yourself in doe piss for me.
April 10th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
first, you’re an extraordinary art director.. at first look, i could have sworn ‘taken’ was something i had seen and bought.. in theory, i have.. second, yes, it is a magic potion - i highly recommend it for the ego.. third, glad to know you are still working the magic britches along with the magic potion.. the timing is curious.. fourth, anniversaries are sweet.. i like that.. tools for the ‘tool’ at home depot on a special spring day..
my boy, you are a genius and i love the way you move through your life..
April 10th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
amazing how nobody above got the point. Is it you who intrigues or just the siting of Manuel Bova or a combination of the two. i don’t know, but the post was so true. So True.
We get and give, attention to the same people we passed over just days, or weeks prior as soon as the help wanted signs get stowed away. But it is still a compliment to know we’re still sexually attractive after we settle - down.
Not many of us realize our true sexual selves, be it fear, stupidity or hubris. Guess that keeps us viable.
April 10th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
My volleyball team notices this whenever we travel for tourneys to diffferent cities.
The other guys are all single and I’m the lone taken guy on the team. It never fails, within an hour of us reaching our destination and then running to sign in for the tournament I have admirers(my teammates call them stalkers). I just laugh it off, but they get upset about it. They think there is some secret to attracting guys. I keep telling them to flirt shamelessly without filters, but they don’t understand. One guy did start to figure it out, but the rest just whine about being single. Oh and they totally et the bf know that I have stalkers everywhere we travel.
I let my teammates hang all over me, when we’re out drinking/playing, etc…No Harm No Foul! And I’ll flirt with the stalkers and let them hang on me, hang around with me, etc, …as long as they realize………..absolutely NOTHING is going to happen. You’re not getting in my pants, we’re not going back to your hotel room/house/apt/car…Yeah, you may be cute, but what I have waiting for me at home……..You can’t even touch. And you’re just looking for a hookup anyway. So why would I bother?
But it is funny how persistant so of them can be. One guy even queried every member of my team to find out why I wasn’t interested in him. And he still kept trying. Funny!
Man, I’m right there with you, if we could bottle that…………………?
April 10th, 2007 at 5:49 pm
I’m working on it….my taboo boyfriend.
April 10th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Is that the attorney’s name? Kevin?
April 10th, 2007 at 5:56 pm
If you figure out a way to bottle it, put me at the top of the list. Congrats on the anniversary.
April 10th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Yeah I have found that guys do get interested when they KNOW your taken. Something about the hunt. But come on aren’t you flattering yourself just a bit? And if TAKEN is new CK is using an OLD photo for the ad campaign.
April 10th, 2007 at 6:18 pm
I love flirting at home depot! But he didn’t say “sorry” when reaching across your britches to get something in your space? 1. That’s rude. But 2. Saying “sorry” is exactly what you should do when flirting on your knees at home depot! You say “Sorry”, look up at his face, and then travel down his body, center on the crotch, finger your goat-E (I knew how to spell it yesterday), and look up again and do that thing with my eyebrows I do (I don’t know what to call it, shrug them?) Anyway, I’m mixing up my tenses and all sorts of other stuff, my grill needs to be turned on (even though it’s kinda chilly), and I’m enjoying a glass of wine (or two).
Steak, baked potato and some frozen vegetable of my choice (I wish I had carrots, then I would do onions and carrots in aluminum foil with some olive oil). Oh, well.
April 10th, 2007 at 8:10 pm
“I could have popped my dong in his mouth. And I don’t think he would have minded a bit.”
as if anyone would!
April 10th, 2007 at 8:40 pm
I just found you while cruising another blogger’s site….
I LOVE your site.
I love how you tell a story.
You make those forbidden precious moments sound as special as they really are.
I’ll be reading you regularly.
Huggs.
April 10th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Happy Anniverary! I’m glad you’re ‘taken’, and that you ‘feel’ taken. I think it may be the sense of security of knowing that is exactly what makes you more attractive to others. Nothing is less attractive for the long haul than ‘neediness’. Being ‘with’ someone, whatever that means, and happy about it makes you sort of glow. And not just physically. Enjoy all the attention you get, but remember one of its causes is your pleasure in being ‘taken’ by your attorney. Take care of yourself (and granny).
April 11th, 2007 at 8:16 am
I am trying in vain to NOT talk about myself in my comments (it’s soooo hard!)… but let me tell you that when I am single I must give off this desperate vive. It seems people are not interested. But when I have a BF, like in your situation, I am much more desirable. It is soooo true what you wrote!
Perhaps you (as a taken guy) become more desirable because they know you wont become too attached. It would be nothing but unadulterated fornication. That is what I think is going on.
April 11th, 2007 at 8:47 am
Yeah, it’s either you’re more relaxed and therefore seem “happy”, or people think “Yay, now he might be available for no-strings fucking!”
April 11th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
So THAT’s how to get a man! I think it’s time I made another trip to Home Depot! Maybe I’ll even wear MY magic britches …
Happy anniversary!
April 11th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Well there you are. Aren’t you something else? You go, Tony!
April 11th, 2007 at 9:38 pm
As well as the chubby in my pants, I am laughing as I am ususally that guy who you encountered. Except I would leave you alone if you were with someone.
April 12th, 2007 at 1:26 am
Ok LT…how much is Calvin Klein paying you? You must have plugged TAKEN three times in the last half segment of your post. LOL. Hope all is well…I have the T-shirt and am going to hold onto it for another two weeks. Plan on taking it with me to Florida to have a few other bloggers sign it (who say they had put their names on your list to get it). Might as well expedite it to save some time with having it shipped around further. I know Atari Age is up for it after me. Thanks for your patience and understanding LT.
Balls
May 13th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Wow, you know I find it very interesting that whenever I am “taken”, that’s when everyone comes around wanting to get a piece of me… and when I’m single, no one comes calling hehehe…even though my personality and the way I talk to people doesn’t change between the two