Fixer Upper
I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I asked the attorney why he kept staring at me. It wasn’t one of those dreamy stares where that would prompt him to write my name over and over again in hearts on the back of his composition book.
“Have you ever considered getting your nose fixed,” he asked me.
Now, you all know I don’t like my nose. But I never thought about going under the knife.
Until now.
He said that if things were to get serious between us down the road, I’d need to be more attractive. He said I’m like an old house. Good frame and some charm, but needs fixing up.
He’s got a point. But I don’t know if I can sink that kind of money into something like that.
But, he said it was important enough to him to be with somebody good-looking that he would pay for it.
I wondered if, since he’s offering to foot the bill, I should go for pec implants instead of a nose job. No worries. He said he’d handle them both. In fact he said he’d take care of anything we decided needs to be done.
I’d be a fool to say no.
So, I stripped down in the mirror and we made a prioritized list of necessary enhancements: nose and chest first; butt, calves, and ears later. (Foreskin restructuring is also a consideration.)
To see the full set of plans, CLICK HERE.
April 1st, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Thank God… I had forgotten about April 1st, and was about to write you a really angry comment… about how you should kick the man out, and that you are perfect in all your imperfectness (please – a big nose? I LOVE BIG NOSES! They give a man’s face character….). But glad to see it’s all a joke. All is well, the world is still kind of sane; kind of…
April 1st, 2007 at 1:05 pm
Shit! I was about ready to take someone to the wood shed.
April 1st, 2007 at 6:55 pm
I knew you had to be kidding. For those of use who have stuck with you, we all knew better.
April 2nd, 2007 at 5:26 am
Actually, having been visiting this blog for a while now, I thought it only too possible that it was true!
I was about to type the warning “Jocelyn Wildenstein” when curiosity got the better of me…
Touche’ baby!
Hook, line and sinker!!!
April 2nd, 2007 at 10:56 am
oh my god, i was about to fly to TN to kick that man’s ass. Can’t wait to see you in June. xo
April 2nd, 2007 at 11:57 am
Heh… good one! And Foreskin reconstruction? That’d take a lot of work with you I figure.
April 2nd, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Ha, I like to grab the ears when I’m stuffing something…………….uh? Opps? Yeah, I knew it was an April Fool’s post! But good try!
April 2nd, 2007 at 7:37 pm
I never see an April Fools joke coming.
I like your nose – but i’m a nose guy. …and yes, i’m serious.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:17 am
This has to be your best post ever! I could not believe what I was reading! I was like…”HE’S FUCKING FINE! HE DOESN”T NEED ALL THIS SHIT?!?!” I was relieved to know that this was one big April Fools Joke. By the way, I LOOOOOVE your nose. Don’t chop it off. Keep it!
April 6th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
For the record, I like your nose. It’s well-proportioned, fits your face, and besides…air is free so consider yourself lucky.
Mine is big too but everyone thinks I’m Jewish even though I don’t have a fro.
April 9th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
Really Tony,
I think you should have suggested to the attorney that he FUCK-OFF.
jeff
April 21st, 2007 at 6:51 pm
Tony, Tone, Toni,
So you want to be someone else??? Then you wouldn’t be YOU. The YOU is why we all LUST and LOVE/LIKE YOU. Stop the foolishness child.
albert