LARGETONY Blog

Have you ever heard of the idea of the secret lives of cats and dogs? You know. All the things that people’s pets do while they are away at work, but the owners have no idea about. Sometimes I wonder what Granny’s secret life is. I know basically what she does while I’m at work all day. She reads the paper. Has coffee. Watches Oprah and maybe pieces of other talk shows (although I know she has no tolerance for–in her words–”that Tyra Banks.”)

Even so, I’m sure there are a million little things that she does when I am not around. Sometimes I accidentally get glimpse into her secret life.

I have debated for about a week on whether to tell this story because it would probably embarrass her to know that I told someone, let alone embarrass her to find out I know anything about it. But I think you all understand that I tell this with respect.

I got home from work one day last week to find Granny fast asleep in her chair in our living room. She obviously had fallen asleep watching TV. What was even more obvious is that she was naked as a jay bird. (You know, I have never understood why things are naked as jay birds. Jay birds are no more naked than any other birds, as far as I know. Except maybe Donald Duck. He’s only naked on the bottom.) And to be fair, she was not completely naked. She had her bathrobe on, but it was untied and open.

It was like one of those brain teasers where you see a picture of a room and there’s two bullet holes in the wall; a step ladder under a bare burned out light bulb; a dirty sock; and footprints made from chocolate leading to an open window; and you have to figure out what has happened in the room.

Judging by the little plastic bottle on the table, and the towel on the floor, the old girl had taken a shower and came out to watch the tube while she put lotion on. Apparently before she was done, she zonked out. (Dogs sleep away 75% of their secret lives, maybe old people do, too. )

Mind you, if Granny had found me asleep naked with a plastic bottle on the table and a towel on the floor, the puzzle would have had a mighty different solution.

Now it’s really no big deal to see Granny naked. It’s something I dealt with several years ago when we first discovered she couldn’t get in and out of the tub on her own anymore. And there’s been times since when I’ve had to help her get into her nightgown or whatever. The difference is that in those other times, one or both of us was prepared for it. When you just walk up on it, it’s a whole other thing. For me and for her.

I was afraid that if I tried to cover her, it might wake her and she’d be startled and embarrassed, so I just eased my way back outside, drove down the road, and called the house from my cell phone. The ringing woke her up and when she answered I lied and told her I was on heading home and wondered if she needed me to pick up anything on the way.

She didn’t need anything, but I gave it a few more minutes just as a way to let her get herself situated. She’d be mortified to know I was there when she wasn’t aware. As far as she knows her secret life is still a secret. And a lady should be allowed her secrets.

This entry was posted on Monday, March 19th, 2007 at 12:27 am and is filed under being tony, granny. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.