Is That A Unicorn or Are You Just Happy To See Me?
So, say you’re going out with somebody new. And they invite you to do something that you really don’t want to? Since it’s early stages, do you just grit your teeth and suffer through it for them, or do you stay true to yourself and shoot down the idea?
Remember the attorney that I went to the movies with a couple of weeks ago? I don’t know if it can really be classified as “going out” or “dating,” but I guess it’s closer to that than not. You see, I’ve seen him twice since. We had a quick lunch together last Saturday afternoon and then he had me over to his place for the Super Bowl on Sunday night. Not a party. Just us, kicked backed on the sofa watching the largest TV I have ever seen outside of Best Buy and eating grilled cheese sandwiches.
Kind of all seems like a good thing, doesn’t it? I guess it is. One of things I like about him is that even though he’s a big attorney, he’s not a fancy type guy. You just don’t think of lawyers sitting around in worn out basketball shorts squirting ketchup out of little packets saved from drive-thru onto a grilled cheese sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not without some of the fanciness that comes with having money and position. He drives a fancy BMW and apparantly likes to go to the ballet.
This is where the needle slides off the record. The ballet. What’s more, he wants me to go with him week after next.
Now, I already have issues about fitting in with the fancier side of his life. But, I think I’d rather have my left ball chewed off by a malnourished squirrel in the winter than go see ballet. It just holds no interest for me whatsoever. So, I told him so. Actually what I said was that it’s not my kind of thing and that he should probably go with someone else. I thought that would be the right thing to say because it showed support for him doing things he likes. (Besides, won’t he have a better time with someone else who is having a good time?) But, I think I just ended up hurting his feelings. He was kind of excited about showing me something new and I pissed on his Cheerios.
I took the advice of a friend on this one. My friend said that I should be up front about not wanting to go. What I saw as the polite thing to do, he pointed out would potentially give the attorney a false sense of who I am. Meaning that if he thought I liked things like ballet, it would open the door to more of the same and it probably would really hurt him to find out later that I don’t.
Rationally, I know he’s right, but I hate that I hurt the guy’s feelings. Maybe I should have said yes this time. Then I could say that I’ve seen ballet, but it’s not for me, and not looked so selfish in process. Who knows, I might have liked it.
Yeah, and unicorns might fly out my butt.
February 7th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Oh, he likes ketchup on his grilled cheese sandwiches! He’s a keeper. The ballet thing, not so much.
I think in your place I would have done the same thing you did. I’m sure you declined as kindly as possible, plus you made it clear you wanted him to enjoy something he likes doing. Besides, ballet first, and next thing you know it’s opera … it’s a slippery slope….
February 7th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Hmmm. I think you both could be flexible here. You could go to the ballet , if you get to sellect which one you will see. In other words, one with hot guys wearing tightsand perhaps even bare chests. You do realize that ballet dancers are in fabulous shape and have hot legs and asses and you can see their packages if they are wearing tights? I hear an all male Swan Lake is touring. I wonder if that will be coming to Tennessee? Besides, how much could it hurt to widen your horizons just this once to demonstrate that you are open minded AND interested in this guy. Then forever on into the future you can say, “Oh, yes, I have seen the ballet.” in a bored an snobbish tone. (Not that you would ever do that.) lol
February 7th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Hmmm… this is always a toughie. Well, this show passed, but here’s a thought. Offer to go to one the next time. But, be expressly clear that it’s very likely you are not going to like it. I mean be honest, but if you haven’t gone ever, it’s fair to say you’re gonna give it a try.
Turn it around and think, what if you had this sweet thing dating you but he had no particular interest in football (GASP!)? Then you say, hey let’s go to this game, and he says “fuck no.” And you say, “look, I know you’ve never been to a game. How about this, let’s go with the idea that it’s gonna be something new. Because it’s new for you, I’m gonna explain everything to you before hand, so there’s a chance you might understand and enjoy it enough and maybe want to go again. Or maybe you’ll hate it anyway. Let’s give it a try, though.”
I think if you ask you’re ballet dude to treat you like that… he might kinda understand if you end up still haaaaaating it. But at least you tried.
This is how relationships are supposed to go - a little give and take once in a while. You might end up still not sharing a lot of the same interests. But, you weren’t a stick-in-the-mud either.
Just a thought.
February 7th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
Well, maybe ballet isn’t for everybody, but maybe football isn’t either. The chances of finding someone who only likes the things you do and nothing you don’t is ZERO. Maybe you both can play nice together!
How did the unicorn in your pants do?
February 7th, 2007 at 1:02 pm
My dear, sweet Tony. First off, the guy is way too old for you. You proved that you have a taste for chicken in your Wednesday HumpDay posts. Also, only be impressed by a fancy bimmer when it’s your name on the pink slip, & even then they’re a small fortune in upkeep. Don’t become one of those guys who falls for shiny things. I don’t think it would play well in the Smokys.
February 7th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Dismissing something without having tried it is not very adventurous. Try having an open mind to new experiences. An evening at the theatre isn’t the biggest waste of time. I never would have known what a blast hang gliding is if I hadn’t wandered outside my comfort zone.
February 7th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
Aw gee! You might have hurt his feelings. Maybe you could suggest something else,
something that both of you like? The movies worked. How about a concert? Maybe fishing or a canoe trip? As it is, you shot down more than the ballet. It’s your turn now to offer an alternative…maybe drag racing?
He may feel that you rebuffed HIM…not the ballet. You can make it right again.
February 7th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. I would have been offended by you suggesting I take someone else to an event I was trying to share with you. Not by the fact that you weren’t into it. Your intentions were correct, but the delivery sucked.
More important is his final reaction to it. Will he just let it rest and fester or bring it up, and quickly.
If he doesn’t, then No harm, no foul.
February 7th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
OK, I can speak to this one. I was born and raised in Oklahoma, _and_ I’m a balletomaine — no not food poisoning. That’s the term used for a ballet aficionados.
I agree with previous posters, ask to go to another one. I would suggest one that’s a modern plotless ballet. That way you can avoid the tutus, princes, and Tchaikofsky. Modern ballets are choreographed to music as diverse as John Phillips Sousa to Tim McGraw and everything else in between.
I used to dance in the ballet. I can’t describe enough to you how physically challenging dance, particularly ballet is. Surely you can appreciate 40 yrd sprint down to the goal line. It is the same physical beauty here, only set to music. Lifting and throwing women is not easy, especially when you’re wearing small leather shoes _and_ running around the stage yourself.
One other consideration. You invite readers to put aside their prejudices about rural life, and you inform them through your writing about the wisdom and beauty of life in the South. Don’t be prejudiced yourself. The so-called “fine arts” have something to offer. Don’t reject them outright because they seem staid, boring or pretentious…
Take it from one who knows. Dancer butts are strong enough to crack pecans! DAAYUM!
GO FOR IT.
February 7th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
I didn’t read the rest of the comments..
But I would say this is where compromise comes into play. Still should say you don’t care for it. You should go though. I know that there will be somethings that I would like to do that my future boyfriend won’t want to do. Granted I would be all excited and want to share the experience with him. Just like with my music, when I hear a song I like I want everyone I know to hear it. Whether they like it or not. Besides, there may come a time when you want to do something and he probably won’t care for it. He might go anyway.
I think that if it means that much to someone, then I would do it. He already knows you don’t care for it. Maybe you can find something in it that you do like. If not the dancing, then the music is nice to listen too. I might enjoy opera more than ballet though myself.
February 7th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
aah I should have read the comments… I’m fuming now! I’ll save my lashing tongue for later…
February 7th, 2007 at 5:38 pm
It’s good that you were honest about your perceived dislike of the ballet. However, sometimes allowing somebody to do something nice for you isn’t about you — it’s about him. He simply wanted to expose you to something that you haven’t seen before. Who’s to say that you wouldn’t like it? You don’t know unless you tried it. You can be upfront and honest and still be open to the possibility that sometimes people can suprise you with something you never thought possible. If you didn’t like it afterwards, you could have just said so rather than shooting him down from the start. I’m not so sure this was your best move.
February 7th, 2007 at 6:48 pm
In other words, a successful man whom you seem to like excitedly asked you to spend MORE time with you and you selfishly pissed in his Cheerios because you THINK you MIGHT have a unicorn up your ass. I hope there’s still time for mockingbird CPR.
February 7th, 2007 at 10:13 pm
Some of these comments seem unnecessarily harsh and judgmental. When you spend time with or “date” someone who you know is highly unlikely to be interested in attending a ballet … or a football game … or an evening line-dancing (the activity isn’t the point), then you should respect it if they kindly decline your offer. This is honest and it’s respectful.
In an aside, I learned something this evening. I didn’t realise ballet could be so diverse. Thanks, Scott.
February 7th, 2007 at 10:15 pm
How do you know you don’t like ballet if you have never been ? Also Ballet is not a generic term - there is all sorts.
I think your correct approach would be to say -’ I’ve never seen it, and I don’t think I would like it, but it would be fun to be introduced to it by you. But don’t be surprised if I hate it. Oh and by the way are the male dancers hot ?
That way you are stating you postion, but communicating that you are interested in doing things with him - even when you are not sure that you will like the thing.
Hey - discovery of new experiences is a great thing. My BF thought he would hate Opera until I took him - now he likes it more than I ever will.
February 7th, 2007 at 10:39 pm
I have a feeling he’ll get over you now wanting to go to the Ballet with him. (For the record, I hate Ballet) If he doesn’t, run as fast as you can!
Knowing you somewhat, I’m pretty sure you were indeed nice about it. That said, I think you did the right thing as honesty is always the best policy.
Maybe you could offer to do something else that you know he likes.
February 7th, 2007 at 10:54 pm
He was testing you to see if you would answer correctly. You know, “Yea man that sounds great, when we going? vers what you answered. Lawyers are like this and can’t seem to get away from it.
You don’t sell yourself short by being honest Tony. If I understand the situation its the 3rd time you too have been hanging out. Also I know the kind of area you live in because I live in NC so nothing wrong with having a friend who is older and happens to have the same sexual orientation.
So you said what you thought but if you change your mind and want to go you can ring him up and let him know, you know no big deal.
Bet you would happily go with, well I am not going to mention his name, but I think you know who I am talking about:)
Chris
February 7th, 2007 at 11:29 pm
Tony,
You were so right to express that the ballet is not something that you would like to attend. I, such as yourself would rather pluck my eyebrows out one by one while playing russian roulette with a machine gun than go to a ballet. The problem with most relationships today is that people put on fronts or are afraid to state what they don’t like about the other person or what they don’t like to do out of fear. Fear that the person won’t like them or won’t accept them for who they are. He should look at it like this, it’s only one thing that you have said NO to. There are tons of other things, I hope, within you city or community that you can do. At least he is getting the truthful and honest you. Keep us posted. CIAO
Marcus
February 8th, 2007 at 7:23 am
To answer the question; YOU GRIT YOUR BLOODY TEETH.
You did what?
Come on Tony, you’re an intelligent man, make an effort.
You don’t know you don’t like ballet and even if you don’t at least it would be an informed opinion and not wilful chippy ignorance. That’s not you! Surely?
It might even show that you could fit into someone’s greater life as they might into yours.
“Take me as you find me/I speak as I find” is fine if you’re five years old - relationships require a little more sophistication.
Don’t worry about how thing may LOOK, think about how they ARE.
Let’s have a little less “honesty’ (for which read ’selfishness’) please and a little more kindness, consideration, manners and basic social skills. What were you thinking of? It’s only dancing, the orchestra sounds great and it’s over in a couple of hours! He’s not taking your eternal soul - IT’S JUST A DATE.
As for your friend; crabs in a bucket? They never escape because their pals keep clawing ‘em back in.
Imgine, it might lead to more of this type of thing and before you know it you might actually be enjoying life! This must, by all means necessary, be stopped.
None of this sounds like you. I’m amazed.
There! I judged you! How dare I? Outrageous!
I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY. STOP THIS NONSENSE; GO TO THE BLOODY BALLET.
February 8th, 2007 at 8:25 am
..just don’t sit in front of me OK?
February 8th, 2007 at 8:59 am
I like Sue but I hate that she comments before I do when we have the same thoughts!
Yes, I think you should have tried to go to the ballet if you’re interested in him. Maybe you could have said, “It’s not really my thing, but I’ll go with you just to check it out.” Have you ever seen a ballet? I was okay seeing the Nutcracker and liked it….up until the last 30 minutes. All in all, I’m glad that I went and had the experience to broaden my horizons beyond what I knew and am familiar with. I would want you to do the same. Yes, I would go back to see another one, but it wouldn’t be a regular thing.
See, if you do this, then you can include him on some things that you enjoy that he might not get into but is willing to do it because it interests you and he gets to spend time with you doing it and vice versa.
Y’all need to sit in the back, though.
February 8th, 2007 at 1:33 pm
You to guys just met and your worried about going out. huh, Give it up.