Monday Mailbox #2
This week’s Monday Mailbox question:
Dear Tony, “What was your biggest fear as a boy, and are you still frightened of it?”
My friend “J” has many times said to me, “You aren’t scared of anything.”
And he’s sort of correct. I would probably do alright on a show like Fear Factor, except the show seems to require more than just a lack of fear. It seems to also require a lack of common sense and personal dignity.
Except for a small fear of horses (and it’s not so much I fear them as much as I fear getting kicked), I don’t tend to have a fear of “things.” My fears tend to be more tied up in my emotions than in things you can touch or that can touch you. When I was a kid I didn’t have the usual fears of monsters and the boogie man. I always thought the boogie man was a dancer.
I’ve mentioned before that my mother often spoke of my brother as “the thinker,” and me as “the feeler.” It was her way of pointing out that my brother’s actions came out of shrewdness and mine came out of my feelings. I suppose my fears are the same way.
My biggest fear when i was a kid was of unexpectedly being left somewhere by myself. Don’t get me wrong. I had no problems being by myself when it was by choice or if I knew it was going to happen. I have always been a loner and spent hours all by myself out in the woods or whatever. But I was that kid that did not make it through his first day of school because he did not understand why his mother left him.
In hindsight, I probably would have been okay if i had been put on a bus and sent to school that first day. I had seen kids get off the bus every afternoon, so I knew the bus would come back. But my mother took me to school that day and left me. I’m not sure I had made it an hour before she had to be called to come get me. And she did it, even though I’m sure she was probably trying to sleep from working the previous night.
I can remember a time that she went around the corner of an aisle in a store and I lost sight of her. My heart started racing and I started to well up just as my brother came around the other way. He made so much fun of me that I won’t cry in front of anyone to this day.
The irony of having a fear of being unexpectedly left behind is that, in a way, I have been. Over and over again. My mother died when I was 14. I knew she was sick, but it was kept from me just how sick. So, I was left unexpectedly. My father faced sudden and unexpected death three years later. My granddaddy died in his sleep six years ago. Everyone who was involved in raising me is gone except for Granny. And she is pushing ninety, so who knows when it will happen again. Then I will be completely alone.
So, I still have this fear? In a weird way, I suppose I do. In my adult life, I have always had trouble getting really close to anyone. Because people leave you in many ways other than death. I could blame it all on a natural shyness, but if I was honest with myself I would admit that more than anything, its a fear of getting too close because of the fear of being left behind again.
Like my mother said, I’m a feeler. And sometimes the best way to protect yourself from feeling bad is never being in the position of feeling too good. That way you have no comparisons.
Without a heaven, there isn’t a hell.
Have a Monday mailbox question? E-mail me.
January 8th, 2007 at 11:54 am
is this where we post our fears? when i was little i was scared of deep water, more specifically deep water where i couldnt see the bottom. my mind start imagining what is down there and then i hyperventilate and so on…not so good when you are out swimming. and im a swimmer! at the ymca where i learned to swim the deep end was very deep and the pool was inside, so lighting was bad. i always hated swimming out into the deep end. i can swim out to the deep end now, but at the beach you dont find me going out too far. snorkeling was great because i could see all the way to the bottom…no worries there!
January 8th, 2007 at 2:40 pm
Wow. This is so raw, so revealing, and so honest. I’m not sure what to say, but I can feel the loss you describe and I also know you’re not alone in that.
In many ways I can relate to your description of being a feeler. In my case I think I’m a bit of both, though I have yet to decide if that’s a good thing or not.
January 8th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
He made so much fun of me that I won’t cry in front of anyone to this day.
WOW!
No heaven to avoid any hell sounds like life as PROZAC. Sensitivity needn’t be viewed as a negative trait.
January 8th, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Wow. This is so profound. I thought maybe you would be afraid of spiders or something like that and we could all say just squish ‘em big guy! Just remember that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Or so the saying goes. So don’t worry about being left behind when it comes to getting close to someone (and that is not saying that you necessarily do, but just answering part of your post).
January 8th, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Tony. Fear of abandonment. You’ve touched on this before with how you are with a boyfriend (the arm around him not so much out of jealousy or control, but out of not wanting him to leave you).
Well, I’ll tell you like my therapist told me. You can’t fully experience life without opening yourself up to be vulnerable and that includes taking the risk that you’ll be hurt. Maybe even hurt with your worst fears. In your case this is someone leaving you. I’m sorry that those closest to you left without warning, but I can’t believe that you’ll be alone after your granny dies. You have friends, right? I know it’s not the same as family, but you love them and they love you, correct? Whatever happens, please don’t close yourself off to the point where you allow your fear of being left alone to stop you from fully experiencing getting close to someone.
Please always feel. Thanks for opening up with this post.
January 9th, 2007 at 9:53 am
Tony - it’s a great post. Really one of the best I’ve read - from anyone.
January 9th, 2007 at 2:29 pm
Man, this sounds familiar. All I can say, though I have similar thoughts which I’ve written about in the past, is that it’s worth considering if your final two lines are the way things should really be. I know very well it seems that way is safest - but then, in the end if you keep everyone at arm’s length, aren’t you still alone?
January 9th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
I recognize your fear and respect your position. I understand it. But, you also seem to be viewing Life from the limited
vantage point of a One-Way Street. That is: Your view only looks out for Tony.
Consider this: If I were your boyfriend, I would be mortified with the fear that YOU would leave me! You ARE a Prize, ya
know! So turn the beat around, Bro. Imagine what fears your companion will face, and I suspect his monsters will be
far worse than yours.
Without a Heaven there is no Hell?
Without Loss and Pain there is no Love and Happiness.
January 9th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
I sit here stunned reading this because you have just put into words my own deepest fears. You have expressed with such courage and honesty what I’ve been afraid to actually come out and write or say. People who have family do not understand what that kind of loss is like to those of us who have none left. I too wasn’t told just how ill my Nana (who raised me) was before she died. I was left with a deep distrust of people that has never fully gone away. Thanks for giving me a voice today through your own words.
January 9th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
I’m most afraid of what I saw walking out of the bathroom at the Eagle on Sunday. Now THAT was some scary shit, lemme tell you.
January 10th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
Tony,
This is beatifully written. I, too, am a feeler (’sensitive’ is the word most often used by people) & a bit of a loner. We all suffer great loss and those losses omly make us stronger & more alive.
You are never alone - those people are always in your heart - which obviously you have a very big heart; plus you have your friends and this community you’ve created!
January 11th, 2007 at 6:16 am
Actually. I sort of agree.
Limbo can be good. Lots of people would be very happy with the luxury of limbo.
We do need to protect ourselves emotionally. Eventually we are all left or we leave. We’re all ultimately alone.
Objectively, you’re right…
However, in the meantime, I do hope that someone nice comes along who actively diagrees with you in a very persistent, kind and intimate way and offers enough distraction for you not to notice or mind. Or maybe you could be that person for someone else?
Or maybe you could be a happy hermit?
Alone can be quite liberating.
It’s all fine if you’re fine.
January 12th, 2007 at 3:15 am
LT,
My mom has always classified me, the oldest, as the ‘feeler’ in the family. Perhaps better descriptions are the sensitive, the compassionate one.
Finally got around to reworking a bit of my blogroll and finally keyed you in (i’ve had you bookmarked on my computer for months!
January 12th, 2007 at 10:59 pm
I am also a “feeler’.a bit too esp.about loss/abandonment & Dealth, I totally understand ur fear,I too felt the same about my Mother, a fear of losing her even when I was a wee small lad, She did leave us,and them died when I was 17,and it was such a profound loss,more so that our parents were divorced,and my “Father” was more of a Fishing/Hunting Buddy.He died 6 yrs ago,and I felt more relieved,and at peace that he wasn’t suffereing,yet that my sibs and I were’nt either,( Too Bad. we are not close) I aslo lost a dear Aunt,almost like a second mother. This”fear’ of yur is real and okay,and it’s a big step to acknowldge it,and deal with it, the best that U know how. I really do feel for you. I’m glad yu stil have Granny.I never really knew mine. Take care. there is more to U than a pretty face etc.