LARGETONY Blog

Continuing my recent trend of doing things I almost never do, I went to the video store yesterday evening. Not the dirty video store, so pull your hands out of your britches, you little pigs. It was the one that busts blocks. I ended up getting “Shrek 2,” which I have to say is some damned funny shit. You all know how I get off on puns and spoofs, so it may as well been a dirty movie from the humor chub I got.

One of the biggest laugh-gasms for me was when the furniture all came to life like in “Beauty and the Beast.” The whole idea of animate creatures (people) turned into inanimate objects (clocks and spoons) but living as animate inanimate objects (singing and dancing clocks and spoons) was cracked-out enough in the Disney movie, but “Shrek 2″ shot it right into the bloodstream with a needle. And do I need to mention the irony of the animate inanimate objects being featured in an animated film? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, ya’ll!

So, this got me thinking about what if that could really happen. What if somehow I got caught under some magical spell and was turned into an inanimate object. What would I be inanimated as? I don’t have the belly to be fat little clock. I do have a long face like the candlestick, but I don’t dance with my hands in the air and flame (or is that redundant?). Maybe I would just be something simple like a towel peg. (Think for a moment. It will come to you.)
Of course, all those animate inanimates in both movies were household objects from past centuries. Maybe I should think more modern. More 21st century and more out of the box (house).

I’m tall and dark. Maybe I would be turned into a SlimJim. Only, I would hate be seen as something greasy that you pick up at a gas station market. Plus, I think I have better skin.

After figuring on it for a while, I figured it out. If I was to go into a state of inanimation as some object, I would probably be something like a television or cell phone tower. It’s the perfect thing. I’m tall, and I like being in solitude out in a clearing or on a mountain top. Plus, I got big dishes sticking out on each side for reception (you would call them ears).

I’m curious how some of you would imagine yourselves as inanimate objects. I know a few of you that I would slap “Hoover” on your canister, but then you would be required to stay in a constant state of re-animation.

Can you hear me now?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 5th, 2006 at 5:39 pm and is filed under observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.