idon’tPod
You know the saying, “Opinions are like assholes. Everybody has one?” Now replace “opinions” with “iPods” and it’s still pretty much a true statement. Everybody has one. Except me. Oh, I have opinions. Isn’t that what blogging is all about? (Seems like everybody has one of those now, too.) But, I don’t have an iPod. And I don’t want one.
(This is where you would hear a needle scratch across a record as the world comes to a screeching halt. But you can’t make that sound with an iPod)
Yes, I know…not wanting an iPod is like being four years old and not wanting a cupcake. Every child wants a cupcake. But I don’t. Unlike an asshole, I don’t need an iPod. I can’t imagine I could come up with 500 songs that I need to carry around with me anywhere I go. But when I’m anywhere I “need to go”…well, you get the picture.
Besides, there’s something about iPods that make people seem aloof. They walk around in their own little bubbles, cutting out the rest of the world with those ridiculously thin cords coming out of their ears and then disappearing again into the pockets of their upscale jackets. (Pockets designed specifially to hold their iPods in place. The iPod pods). Or worse, the people who have their iPods dangling around their necks like white plastic bling, or hooked to their hip as if they were getting their music through an IV.
That’s right. Their music. It’s their bubble. It’s their music. Supposedly the iPod was designed with no noise spill so that it would not be intrusive to others. But the reality is that it’s so that it’s wearers could be exclusive. It’s their music. Not yours. If you want to hear music in your head, then get your own iPod. Or get what I have. The iHum. I want to hear a tune in my head? I hum. I can shuffle tunes with no hands, it has infinite storage (although admittedly sometimes it doesn’t store all the words) and it doesn’t cost me four hundred bucks. It came factory installed.
Have you noticed how now that technology changes every few hours, there’s really no time to enjoy something before it becomes something else? It’s like seeing a fuzzy caterpillar and before you can bend down and pick it up, it becomes a butterfly. It floats up in the air and just as you reach out to catch it, it falls dead. Because butterflies are out. Dragonflies are now the insects to catch. And by now, I mean ten minutes ago.
iPods are the same way. It’s technology out of control. Now they have them able to store 15,000 songs. Fifteen thousand. Songs. I don’t know that I have heard fifteen thousand songs in my life, let alone want them in my pocket. They have them with video screens now, too. Because, you know, once you’ve heard all 15,000 tunes, what are you going to do? You need something to keep you occupied. So, why not watch your favorite TV show? I mean, why bother watching on a full-sized TV for free when you can pay two bucks to see it miniature. You can even get pornos for your iPod. iPorn. I’m not sure that’s a good idea for such tiny screens, though. It’s one thing to have the benefit of Bree’s forehead looking smaller on “Desperate Housewives,” but how impressive would even Big John Holmes be on a one-inch screen?
And how long before iPods go wireless? wi-i, I guess they’ll call it. I imagine you’ll need some sort of router in your brain to send the music to your ears and the video to your eyes. And the iPorn could be routed directly to your cock and anus. Or throat. But, all that brain surgery will be too costly for a lot of people. For those who can’t afford it, they have the option of just using existing orafices like card slots. The anal and vaginal cards can double as a douche. The slogan: iDouche. Do you?
Sure, you think I’m exaggerating. And maybe I am a little. Okay, a lot. But give it four or fives years and your iPods will be doing anything another human could do for you. They can already be a personal trainer. iPump. (or is that the name of Apple Penis enlarger?) A friend wrote an article for Out.com about how he got on TV talking about the iPump (the personal trainer kind–it was FOXNews for God’s sake—And it’s not actually called iPump..but it should be.) It’s a pretty funny read, so check it out.
By the way, if the good people of Apple happen to read this and any of my predictions happen to spark a new product idea, be on notice that I expect compensation for my genius. How? Hmm…I don’t know. How about an iPod? In black…with a video screen…able to take pictures….and bake a pound cake…and blow me. iHummer.
August 17th, 2006 at 5:48 am
I don’t have one. That much money just to listen to music. I don’t care how many it holds. I don’t find them to be pratical for me to have for that kind of price.
August 17th, 2006 at 6:41 am
I have one. In black, so it’s “slimming”. It currently holds 1754 songs. That’s 4.2 days of continuous playing without a repeat. I use it at the gym and plug it into my speakers at work. I was skeptical at first . . . but now I find it completes me. I’d be interested in beta testing your product development ideas!
August 17th, 2006 at 10:34 am
I got one about a month ago. It holds 1000 songs and I have about 20 on it so far. (Woohoo!) I use it when I speed walk out side and I really like it ’cause it keeps my feets movin’. In the winter when I use the Y, I will use it while on their machines. What I don’t get is the ones with the video screens. Aren’t they just too teeny weeny to watch? Wouldn’t one’s weeny look really teensy weensy on it? Now, that just cannot be good. I can’t stand having to squint to see someone’s bits.
August 17th, 2006 at 11:03 am
Sue?
Believe me; you can find yourself having to squint to see someone’s bits without involving electrical appliances…
{eyes glaze over, stares into middle-distance, recalls the shock}
But I digress…
It’s a wonderful wonderful toy!
Should they ever produce the wired-in iPorn you mention, I may never ever leave the house again!
August 17th, 2006 at 11:16 am
OK, I admit I have one. It’s an older one I got off eBay and I keep it in my car with all my music on it solely so that I don’t have to change discs while I am driving (which is dangerous in itself, doncha know!)
If you married me and we lived happily ever after, I wouldn’t need an iPod to listen to in the car because I would be more than happy to hear what kind of tunes you have in your built-in iPud…er, pod.
Even if you didn’t have enough memory for all the words…
PS Even though I am one of the “Pod People” as I have heard us called, I added you to my blog list. I love reading what is going on in your world.
August 17th, 2006 at 12:25 pm
OK, I have two and the bf has one. Which makes three in our household. I have a 15Gb 3rd generation iPod that is used primarily for traveling in the car, so I don’t have to switch discs. At one point I had 7Gb of music on it, but have trimmed it down some. I’m waiting with baited breath for the next gen video one so that I can upgrade.
I have a Shuffle that I use when I snowboard. It is a 1GB and I have about 107 songs on it. I don’t worry about breaking it, if I fall. And it fits ina parka perfectly.
I bought the bf a 2GB Nano(black), with which he listens to queer podcasts at all times. I wasn’t sure he would use it, but now he has headphones on all the time. Hmmm, is he shutting me out?
We are a couple of techno-geeks, but thats what happens when you work IT.
August 17th, 2006 at 2:34 pm
I love my iPod and I make no apologies for that. Though you do make very valid points. The technology is always getting better. The current generation is the fifth one. The next one is rumored to be exactly what you said… wireless
And when will it roll out? Long before I hit that 15,000 song limit I’m sure. The iPod accounts for a huge percentage of Apple’s business and like any company, they will milk it until the next big thing comes along.
The problem with Apple products is that the advertising is elitist. In fact the whole root of the PC versus Mac cold war is elitism on both sides of the cubicle wall. In the end, technology is just a tool. Like Norm Abrams on This Old House, I like having the right tool for the job. For me it’s a 60gig iPod and 1800+ songs. For you it’s iHum. Both of us are right, because ultimately it’s up to us to chose our own tools.
August 17th, 2006 at 3:27 pm
iBrilliant. Great writing Tony. I love the iHum.
I have an iPod mini- in blue. I splurged a few years ago when I was driving 800 miles a week for work, it came in much handier than shuffling with my cd player. Now, living in the city, I appreciate and the insular bubble it allows me on the subway, but I also hate it. It’s impossible to try to pick up a hottie when he’s jamming along to his own groove.
ps. when is your birthday?
August 17th, 2006 at 4:24 pm
oh my god! you DO NOT want to know what I listen to on my ipod (r) nano ™.
Just let me say that if the guys at the gym ever EVER knew what the mean looking, scowling big bald headed fag who looks like an ax murderer was listening to as he groans out the 700 lb leg presses, well, I think they’d be a bit surprised and bemused.
August 17th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
I am waiting for the price to go down.
Of course, I dont like earplugs, so I will need to get speakers.
There are some cool things you can download on the internet, so either an ipod or an mp3 player would be a cool device. I got an mp3/cd boombox recently, but it only plays the first two folders on the mp3 cd…which kinda defeats the purpose. I like the idea of playing things off the internet without using my computer ( bad sound) or making an intermediate cd.
I am amazed at people who have to have canned music at all times. Once, I was riding my bike in the spring, and the birds were singing up a storm. However, all the joggers and power walkers were listening to earplug devices, and they didnt hear the birds.
Did I dont like the way earplugs feel in my ears? Maybe if they were a bit bigger and were stuck somewhere else.
August 17th, 2006 at 5:54 pm
I don’t have an iPOD. I don’t want one. I mostly listen to the radio, namely satellite radio …more the comedy or news channels than music. I’m the kind of guy who for the most part, has no idea who is singing what. When I’m outside all I want is the sound of nature around me …trees rustling, the river rushing. I also enjoy quiet around me at times and don’t need music to fill the silence. I think a lot of people use iPODs to create a personal space where they don’t have to interact with anyone. Just as you say. Awesome post!
Oh, and I don’t have a cell phone either.
August 17th, 2006 at 9:36 pm
Hi. I’m glad to say that I don’t own an iPod. I own the statistically-proven better-than-an-iPod Creative Zen Microphoto. Yeah, it’s rated higher on sound quality and operability (e.g. - I can replace my own battery and don’t have to pay, like $179 for the Apple store to do it). I believe it’s the highest seller in Europe and Asia - you know, the upcoming superpowers of the world.
I like it as I love music and now I don’t have to carry around so many CDs.
Aside from that I kinda agree with you in some of this.
August 17th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Well Tony - that’s just crazy talk. I don’t use mine to be a bubble boy. But I love my music (yes, MY music) and use it at the appropriate time(s). And come on up - I’ll show you what 15,000 songs look like!
August 18th, 2006 at 12:11 am
I don’t have one … but I want one — just to fit in! Is that bad?
August 18th, 2006 at 4:57 am
Wow! I thought I was the only gay man without one. I don’t want one and have no need for one. No offense to anyone else, but I’d rather intereact with people than minimize them. I listen to the radio when driving and to people the rest of the time. Have a great weekend!
August 18th, 2006 at 9:40 am
I was in that space, Tony, until one of the labs near my office got as a temporary tenant a scientist who whistled. All day. Off-key. (I have perfect pitch, so that’s like fingernails on a chalkboard and then some to me.) In a great big, mostly empty room that acted like an amplifier.
At first I tried playing music in the background on my office computer to drown it out, but that created its own problems. First, in order to drown out the tuneless whistler, I had to turn it up pretty loud–which meant I was disturbing people in the neighboring offices. Second, I don’t have a lot of room to store CDs at the office that aren’t work-related, so I had a pretty limited selection to choose from. And third, it’s a pain in the ass to have to change discs all day long–and using it for music meant that the CD drive on my computer wasn’t available for software or data storage.
So I got an iPod. And I love it. I’ve loaded most of my CD collection onto my little 20 GB, and downloaded quite a bit more. I have something like 3600 tracks on it, and still about 5 GB of free space–which means I can go for like 10 days on shuffle and never hear the same tune twice. I can hear conversations and other environmental noise (if I want to) while wearing the headphones, but I can also turn up the music loud enough to drown out distractions. I don’t have to depend on the radio for noise when I’m driving (especially problematic over long distances, when you never know what you’re going to find in the way of radio stations, much less the average DJ’s idea of what’s worth playing).
I find I’m a lot more productive at the office now that I can drown out the distractions, and I no longer have to worry about annoying my neighbors. And thank God, the tuneless whistler has gone back where he came from!
August 19th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
I don’t have an iPod, just a USB memstick cum MP3 player. It helps to pass the time when you have to travel 30 miles to work on public transportation. And it contains all my most important files too… I’m usually listening to music and reading a book on the bus.
August 20th, 2006 at 1:59 am
Now there is a marketing gimic. Partner up the LT log with the iPod. You’d be in everyone’s shirt pocket…better yet everyones’ arse pocket. SWEET! The two dots on either side of the logo’s ‘T’ could be the ‘moaning and groaning controls…oops I mean the volume controls
August 21st, 2006 at 12:11 am
I don’t have one and probably will never own one.
1) I don’t like being told when, where, and on what device I can play music I payed for. It’s also why I don’t buy music cd’s anymore. It’s much easier to copy it off an audio stream. Which is totally legal vs illegal peer-to-peer networks. Ironic no?
2) While I love technology, I hate having 50 gadgets to carry around. I have a cell phone, pager, pda, ipod, garage remote, modem, calculator, email, tv remote, and dmp all in one device. It’s called a pocket pc phone. It came out 2 years before the ipod. I don’t have restrictions on it. Any song I own, it will play. That is the power of technology at it’s best.
I hear you on the “exclusion” idea. It’s as if people think they are somehow hip if they show off they have an ipod. Puh-lease.
Apple is famous for simplicity and aesthetics and they do it well. However, the craze over a simple mp3 player is a bit maddening IMHO.
August 29th, 2006 at 8:15 pm
Having an ipod would just remind me how quickly I burn out music on regular basis… unless it downloads stuff automatically to keep it fresh then I am fine with my ittle flash memory player…
February 18th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
My ipod is in my head, I suppose.
When I am in public spaces or the outdoors in an urban/suburban environment, the idea of wearing sound transducers in my ears is physically abhorrent to me. As in, hairs raised on the back of the neck, spine shivery abhorrent.
The concept of wearing earbuds or headphones in a rural or wild environment is far to absurd for me to comment upon, and if you disagree with that premise, please read no further and simply dump me into your hopless nutcase file.
My ears give me ranging information, about things going on, machines moving, people present at x, y, z positions in the three dimensional space through which I’m moving. If I stuff something into my ears, or cover them with something, it’s like wearing goggles with milk carton plastic lenses.
I hear people laughing, speaking, emoting. Machines moving, speeding, slowing. Critters using their own languages. Air and plants and buildings and even litter melding their susurrus as I move through their spaces.
With ear pods or headphones I’d never hear the bicycle tire’s altered tone saying the rider had to move toward me to avoid some greater obstacle, nor the leather against brick as the creep around the corner flattens himself or herself against the wall, waiting for me to come into range, or the muffled sound from the lady who could use some help getting that grocery handcart up the stairs to her brownstone.
I don’t want to wall myself off from the world when I move through it. I want to hear it as it is. If opportunities arise for me help someone, or share some laughter, or engage in a bit of inconsequential chatter, I want to hear the cues that invite me to take part.
When I drive, sometimes I listen to the radio. Most times, not. There are thoughts enough to entertain me. Books I have read, with ideas to ponder. Songs I have heard, to tickle the archives of my musical mind. Fantasies galore in which to glory, hero to all and always with witty rejoinder to every uncomfortable remark. Not to even mention leaping tall buildings and saving the planet and getting the girl and all that.
In an environment such as Michael describes, then yes, an iPod might well be the difference between bliss and homicidal mayhem. That’s different. But, outside? In the spaces we all move through to get from Here to There? Please don’t handicap me with distortion filters!
Wild animals know that you only have to be mistaken *once* to be eaten. I realize that I may be closer to this reptile-brain imperative than is necessary or useful. Yet there is some part of that same reptile-brain awareness that cannot help but assign to those I see around me with earbud blinders willingly inserted, a special status: prey.