Baby Daddy
They say that if you want to get along with people never discuss religion or politics. (Of course, it’s getting so that in this country, despite what the Constitution says, the two are getting pretty mixed up and muddy). So, I’m a little uneasy about bringing up the subject of abortion. I’m probably going to stir up a shit storm with this one, but here goes anyway.
You see, I’m always sort of fascinated when a male expresses a really strong opposition to it. Now, I’m not saying I’m for abortion. I guess I would be best described as pro-choice. But that’s sort of my philosophy about in life in general. About living life I mean (I’ll get back to giving life in a moment).
As far as I am concerned, everybody has the right to choose how they live their lives as long as they aren’t hurting anybody else with their choices. If somebody else is involved in the matter, then they get to be involved in the choices, too. But the rest of us? Stay out of it. I don’t care if the choice is what they eat for dinner, who they want to marry, or whether they want to be pissed on. Those choices are mine for me (pork chops; it’s a secret; and hell no) and theirs for them.
Getting back to my main point, I can understand when a guy may have a strong opposition if it’s because of his religious beliefs. But when they say their opposition is a moral one, I get skeptical. (And I don’t care what you say, a religious choice is not always a moral choice. Anybody who says otherwise is either a bullshitter or a Bush).
During lunch, one guy at work admitted to having been through the process (his girlfriend had been, anyway). Another guy got on his case with a lot of talk about morals and how it was spitting on the human bond with your child. So, that led to the argument about just when in the pregnancy stage your child becomes a human. And this is why I think the moral argument for guys is bogus. I think that for a guy, no matter what he accepts as the moment an unborn becomes a human, he doesn’t form a real bond with the child until it’s hatched.
That’s just the way guys are. I know. I’m a guy. I work with guys. I fuck guys. I know guys. With women, it’s totally different. I’m not a woman, but I totally can believe that a woman has a bond practically from the moment the egg is fertilized. I mean, she’s the life support system for nine months, she has to carry it around for nine months. Everywhere she goes, it goes. If you can sit on a toilet and take a crap with somebody in your belly, there’s a bond.
Guys? Nope. No bond. I mean you start off the whole process by expelling your contribution to the project from your body. One of my co-workers tried to use the “giving-life” defense. That the bond was inherently there becuase of DNA. I guess that makes him bonded with that sticky tissue in the bathroom waste can, too.
Sure, you are creating something with your partner. But it’s basically like building a deck where your partner did all the work and you just basically kicked in some bucks for half the lumber. Your partner who really spent all that time digging the post holes, leveling the beams, sanding the rough edges is much more invested as the construction develops.
But when the deck is all done and you start showing it off to your friends, that’s when you really connect with it. You probably even get protective of it and throw on a coat of water seal so that it has a long life. You spend a lot of time around that deck. That’s when the bond occurs. Somebody saying their deck is better than yours might even provoke a fist-fight.
But if you claim the bond begins going through the check-out at Home Depot, I’m not buying it.
Maybe I’m a little out of line because I can’t say that I have experience. But I have never once felt awash in paternal morals as I unloaded the lumber. True, I have never gone as far as having the deck built, or even started and dismantled in the first tri-mester. But, this is not to say I have not dodged the bullet a few times. There’s been the busted rubbers and horniess-induced poor judgement back in the day. Trust me, I’ve dodged bullets like I was Keanu Reeves in “The Matrix.”
I almost wish guys really do feel that bond. That natural immediate connection. Then we might have been spared “The Montel Williams” show.
You see. This post really isn’t one about abortion. Abortion is just what prompted it. So, abort your plans to beat me with your bibles.
I guess I dodged that bullet, too.
August 3rd, 2006 at 8:52 pm
Interesting post. I think it is possible for a guy to bond early on but I agree its much more of an intimate connection for the women. It’s easy for us guys to pass judgement since we don’t have to carry the child.
The irony of this topic is we wouldn’t have so many unwanted pregnancies in the first place were it not for antiquated teachings of abstinance as the only form of contraception.
I lean toward pro-choice however, I’m of the mind every situation is different and its never an easy choice. But, it should not be used as a form on contraception because your too lazy to use a condom.
August 3rd, 2006 at 10:16 pm
I’m not against it. I could give a more long winded answer. But, I’ll share that later. No beatings with the bible from me.
August 3rd, 2006 at 10:17 pm
I have definite opinions on the subject that are, in fact, too detailed to state in a blog comment. Suffice it to say that I agree (in most part) if it doesn’t directly affect you, then stay out of it.
I have secretes too — and keep them well.
Oh yeah, I don’t really get into being pissed on either. Just for the record.
August 4th, 2006 at 5:33 am
The blood bond is a pretty basic tribal one and isn’t wholly born of love, though there’s certainly a genetic and emotional component.
I think you’re right, for a man there’s unlikely to be bond where there’s no relationship although it’s worth noting that men are otherwise more than capable of highly emotive displaced bonds where there is no direct inimacy whatsoever; sports, politics, religion, patriotism (and the billion other ‘isms’,) for example, so why not their genetic inheritance, a.k.a. their kid?
But if we’re talking about love, I think both men and women probably base it on history and relationship equally, it’s just that the woman’s parental relationship begins earlier in a more intimate physical way but it’s essentially the same thing for both, just different timelines.
I’m pro-choice but it is licensed killing, as is a verdict of death by injection or electric chair or the right to ‘protect’ one’s self/tribe/country with a gun/missile/bomb. You sanction one, you sanction the other.
August 4th, 2006 at 11:18 am
The bible a book written by men intrepreting God’s word. Just like any other book. As a recovered Catholic I have issues with people who believe they know what is written in the book. Especially the ones that are shocked that I, someone who does not attend church can actually quote more scripture than they, those that attend church every Sunday. It’s why my friends no longer discuss religion with me………..see what 8 years of Catholic school does to you.
August 5th, 2006 at 7:35 am
When I was in high school, I volunteered at a clinic that did abortions on Long Island. What an eye opener. I met ladies that had 5 or more abortions. It was clear that they were using them as birth control. Just plain wrong in my book. I am prochoice, but that is rediculous.
I have never had children or an abortion thanks to successful birth control. So, I can’t help you guys out with the bonding issue. But I have to agree just based on observation that it is more for the woman. Had a close call or two which provided more motivation for better birth control.
BTW - I am also a recovering Catholic. Makes me shudder to think about it.
August 6th, 2006 at 6:00 pm
Pro choice all the way. every situation is different. as Moby said its not an easy decission to make,
Having been there on one occasion with my ex wife.
After having two children, I would never be with out them such a joy to watch and nurture. The option of having a third was not in our plans (and you can get pregnant while breast feeding) (and after a vasectomy…. still had one live one left)
Bonding for a man, I believe you are correct yes we know its there but it’s still just a moving bump. Until I survived watching the brutal process of child birth, Drug free (Which gives most men a greater respect for woman I think) I could not attach myself to a bump until I saw them.
My Husband wants one of our own.. we will keep trying
August 7th, 2006 at 1:00 am
I’m not sure I would equate “moral objections” with “bonding before birth”. I think it’s entirely possible to have a non-religious, moral objection to abortion without laying any claim to prenatal bonding.
For some, answering the question “when does it become human” is easy: right at the point where it becomes impossible for it to develop into anything BUT a human. If, at some early stage of gestation, an embryo or fetus of the homo sapiens species can develop into, say, a dog, a pig, or a chimp, then at that stage, sure, it’s not human. But once its destiny is set, genetically, then it’s a human.
Oh wait… that’s determined at conception.
The real question is, once such a human exists, and assuming the absence of rape, if the mother has changed her mind as to whether she wishes to carry the baby to term, should she be permitted to abort the embryo/fetus/child? One can make a very reasonable argument that this is murder.
In fact, the law is horribly inconsistent on this point: if a mother chooses to abort during the first trimester, no law can stop her; but if someone beats her up and causes a miscarriage, he can be charged with killing the child. That’s pretty hard to square with the underlying rationale for abortion.
The current status quo may lead to what some, or most, consider a “desirable” result–letting women escape the consequences of failed (or non-existent) birth control, which is the motivation behind most abortions. (Despite scare tactics about rape, incest, and deformed children, abortions carried out in those cases are a small fraction of the total.)
But it’s certainly not intellecutally defensible.
August 8th, 2006 at 7:33 pm
i built a bookshelf once. all by myself, too. i never once wanted to abort it.
eventually, however, it did sag in the middle, and i got rid of it.
now i feel sad.