LARGETONY Blog

The one thing that really makes me crazy is when you’re driving along and somebody pulls up in the next lane and decides to keep pace with you. Especially when you need to shift lanes becuase traffic is merging onto the highway. Okay, so that’s really two things and those aren’t the only things that drive me crazy (which you know if you’ve read much of this blog), so add them to the list.

Today I was on a four lane highway (two each direction) and I see up ahead that there are cars coming onto the highway. I could tell by our relative speeds that we would meet right around the merge. I’m a pretty decent driver…or at least a courteous one so I know that I need to move into the left lane, so they can get on the highway before the merge lane runs out. I hit my signal and look in my driver’s side mirror to make sure I’m not going to clip somebody.

BTW, I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but it seems that in Tennessee that little lever on most people’s steering columns is a piece of decoration. But then again, around these parts it’s almost standard equipment to have the lights busted out of at least one corner of your vehicle. If there’s nothing there to blink, why go through the exercise, right? I swear the fact that I use my signals and have both side mirrors still attached gets me more than my share of suspicious looks around certain parts of the county.

So, anyway, I hit my signal and look in my driver’s side mirror only to see some stupid fucker rolling up in the left lane too fast for me move over. The merging car can’t merge because I can’t shift lanes, so I end up looking like the stupid fucker instead of the guy really is the stupid fucker. I can’t even slip in behind the stupid fucker because once he gets up next to me he matches my pace. The stupid fucker just got more stupid.

So we go on down the road and whether I slow down or speed up he’s matching my pace. WTF?! I’m pretty aggravated by now and possible scenarios are rolling through my head. I figure there are three possibilities of what’s going on here: 1) It’s a macho challenge from some tiny cocked road demon. But I’m driving a pick up truck. How satisfying is it to leave a pickup in the dust?

So I eliminate number one and go to number 2) It’s somebody I know and they are trying to fuck with me. But from what I can see periferally (I won’t look over at the driver because it may be somebody looking for a conflict…scenario three) the car is not one I recognize.

So either it’s number 3 (the conflict) or number 4 (just a stupid fucker, plain and simple). After about a half mile or so of this, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I looked over to see who the challenger/ aquaintance/ bully/ stupid fucker is. Well, it wasn’t a macho road hog. It wasn’t anyone I knew. And it wasn’t anyone who was looking to start trouble. I say this because he was looking at me and smiling. Oaky, so he’s pleasant enough. That still doesn’t mean he’s not a stupid fucker.

When he saw me look over, he smiled and nodded. Just out of reflex I nodded back but then I gave it some gas and moved on. And he came right on up beside me again. So, I slowed down. And he slowed down. I gave him a “what’s your problem, stupid fucker?” look and he responded with a wink.

Now, it wasn’t a “I’m messing with you” wink. It was a “I want to mess around with you” wink. If there was any doubt in my mind, it was obliterated with the H-bomb that was his tongue slowy dragging across his lower lip. Lordy, here I am cruising down the highway and getting cruised.

The whole idea of it made me chuckle. I think the last time I was cruised by somebody in a car was by a couple of girls in the Wal-Mart parking lot when I was a teenager.

I have to admit, the whole idea also made me feel good. I mean apparantly he liked something about what he saw and he wasn’t even seeing the best part. Everybody wants to feel like they look good to others, so definitely it made me puff my chest out a bit. But, it was also coming a stupid fucker who was quickly graduatiing to potentially psychotic fucker.

Now all this happened within a minute (it’s amazing how fast your brain will process certain signals) and he was still sticking close to my side. He knew he had tossed the ball in my court, and I guess he was expecting me to toss the ball back in his. But, flattering as it was, I think the ball was out of bounds, so I just glanced over and shook my head. And I did it in a polite way. Sort of a “thanks, but no thanks” kind of thing.

Remember I said how quick your brain processes certain signals? Well, he processed mine in the blink of an eye and threw it back it me in the form of his middle finger. Maybe Detroit should start installing that signal on cars. Then rednecks wouldn’t use it so much.

While I continued down the road, I started to wonder what it was about me that made him cruise me. Guys coming on to other guys is not exactly a safe thing to in certain situations here. So, what was about me that made him think I could be receptive man on man? How much of a vibe can I give off just driving down the highway? I don’t have any rainbow stickers on my truck. My truck is plain white rather than some like, God forbid, pink (that’s for you Todd). I was coming from work, so it was not like I was even particularly well groomed.

A friend of mine suggested that the guy was probably a “serial cruiser” and that my nod to him gave the signal to pursue. But he nodded at me first. I was just being polite.

To think I’ve been driving for fifteen years and I’m just now learning there’s a signal for “merge.” I wonder if there’s one for “wide load” and “blasting zone,” too.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006 at 3:28 am and is filed under being tony, dating and sex, rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.