LARGETONY Blog

Ok, I’ll be the first to admit that I am sometimes punctuation challenged. And if you read this blog very often, you already know it. Mostly I get thrown off about when a period goes inside a parenthesis and when it goes outside. But, those are issues with placement of punctuation, not issues of using it.

If somebody was to ask what’s the most used punctuation mark in English, you would probably guess a period, question mark, or a comma, right? For example, that sentence just used all three. But it seems like, anymore, the double quotation marks are well on their way to becoming one of the big three. Double quotes are everywhere, whether they are needed or not.

Now, I’m not college educated or anything, but my understand is that you use the quote marks when you are a) quoting someone or something, like:

“Oh, my,” Alexis exclaimed in response to the skill at which, Armando, the Brazilian taxidermist stuffed and mounted her late beaver.

or b) when you are implying something supposed, or making a comment or euphamism (sp?), like:

Alexis was amazed at how Armando, the “Brazilian taxidermist,” so skillfully stuffed and mounted her late “beaver.”

But yesterday I was driving down the road and saw a sign that read “YARD” SALE. Now, technically since I am quoting what the sign said, I probably should have typed, “”YARD” SALE.” But that would have been too confusing, and you would have missed the point that, on the sign, the word “yard” was in quotes. And unless I’m wrong, that’s just wrong.

Was the sale not really happening in the yard, but in the house instead? Just like a yard sale, only indoors? Or did the owner of property feel like his weed and stump filled patch of dirt not really count as a “yard.” I guess a sign that read “Weed and Stump Filled Patch of Dirt Sale,” wouldn’t draw many customers. (Unless you wrote “NASCAR Memorablia” on the sign, too.) Maybe the location was actually a whore house and “Yard” was just a euphamism like “bush,” “lawn,” “squirrel,” or “pink taco.”

But, my uneducated guess is that somebody was using quotes to “perk up” their sign rather than as punctuation. Why not use punctuation marks for decoration? The Riddler did.

But probably the worst and most irritating use of quotation marks is when people show you the quotation marks. You know, when somebody is talking to you and they make little bouncing rabbit ears with their fingers to show that something they are saying is meant to be in quotes.

I could be wrong, but I think punctuation came along because without it we can’t be sure of the tone, inflection, and rhythm of what is written. Even with punctuation, sometimes we don’t get it. (How many times have you accidentally pissed somebody off in an e-mail? ) But, when you can hear the words, you get it.I’m not a sailor on a passing ship. I don’t need hand signs and signals. I’m not trying to steal second. I don’t need hand signs and signals. Unless I am deaf and / or you are one of the Village People, I don’t need hand signs and signals. (Pause. Think YMCA. Okay, laugh now.)

People who do need signs or signals need them because they can’t hear you. Non-verbal reinforcement of the tone of your voice is really unneccessary. So, stop with the finger quotes! (You have to picture me with my index finger striaght up in the air right now, making a finger exclamation point.)

That’s what’s next, you know. A whole array of finger punctuation. It’s just a slippery slope to finger semi-colons and question marks. It’s only a matter of time before you see people cupping their hands to make finger parenthesis. (I still will be confused about when the finger period goes inside the finger parenthesis and when it goes outside.)

Then it’ll spread beyond punctuation to include symbols like # * % @. Somebody could be cussing you out and all you can think is “Why are they Vogue-ing?”. Really flexible people and Cirque du Solay (sp?) clowns will be bending their bodies into the “&” sign (I don’t know what it’s called). (And I’m cupping my hands right now, by the way.) Speaking of bending, bottom boys everywhere will be spreading their cheeks when they have a footnote to what they are saying. (Granted a nice tight asterisk does tend to make me respond with an exclamation point…only it’s not with my finger, and it has two dots. I would call it an “exclamation colon”, but it won’t be my colon doing the exclaiming.)

Well, I guess like most things in life, I’ll just have to grin and bear it. And just so that you’re sure, I’ll make a finger smiley face. I would do a finger smiley face with a “wink”, but I’m not that flexible…and I’m not a bottom. (Wait for it…wait for it…)

This entry was posted on Monday, July 17th, 2006 at 9:20 pm and is filed under rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.