LARGETONY Blog

I don’t think there are Hardee’s fast food hamburger places in some parts of the country, so some of you may not know what I’m talking about. But, they have a really annoying TV commerical running right now. If you live in a place where there is a Hardee’s, you know that’s nothing new. They always have annoying commericals. Annoying seems to be the operative word in the the marketing board room at Hardee’s headquarters.

I guess they must know what they are doing because the commercials, annoying as they are, are also memorable. But then, I never eat there, so I guess memorable doesn’t necessarily equal successful.

So, the one they are running right now has these two cab driver guys chomping on these big massive burgers and shooting the shit with each other. Except you can’t tell what the fuck they are saying to each other. They are speaking with these northeastern big city accents that are as thick as the burgers in their fists. Now, some of you Yankees may know what they are talking about, but we true genteel sons of the confederacy have no clue.

I know some of you think Southern people all talk like Boomhauer on “King of The Hill.” But that’s Texas. That’s a whole different world. Like Florida. Other than longitude, Texas and Florida really have nothing to do with the South. (They are like the relations that may get invited to the cotillion, but that doesn’t mean we really have to claim them.)

But back to the commercial. It drives me so crazy that it took seeing it a bunch of times before I knew what they are selling. Turns out it’s a commercial for their new Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger. (Which I guess explains why you can’t tell what the hell they are saying. Philly accents stuffed with supersized burgers.)

Have you heard about this thing? Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger. Must be a big fat burger dressed with peppers, cheese, and onions, right? Close. It’s a big fat burger dressed with a Philly cheesesteak sandwich. That’s right… a freaking hunk of cheesesteak sandwich sitting on top of a huge third of a pound slab of ground beef (and then dressed with peppers, cheese, and onions.) That’s not a burger. That’s not just a simple “two all-beef patties.” That’s not just a simple cheesburger topped with a couple of strips of bacon. That’s out and out double penetration. That’s like taking Jeff Stryker and Ken Ryker (is “yker” common in porn?) both at once. (And they don’t come with fries.)

Now, I love hamburgers. A big juicy hamburger is high on my list of life’s essentials (behind football and busting a nut). I even like cheesesteaks alright. But one on top of the other? That much red meat is gonna make your butthole itch and twitch so much, you’re gonna wonder is somebody unleased and ant farm back there.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a meat eater. Big time. My apologies to the vegetarians and the Hindus out there, but a cow is most sacred when served up medium well and juicy. If I had been stranded on Gilligan’s Island there would have been none of that diet of bananas and coconuts for me. I’d be turning Ginger on a spit (I like breast meat). I’d be turning the professor on a spit, too. Not the kind of spit for cooking. The kind of spit you spit on first. So, he’d probably be safe. So would the Howells. That old meat would be too stringy and gamey.

Any size-queen will tell you no matter how big it is, eventually you’ll want it bigger. So, one day Hardee’s will have to come up with something else to satisfy their bloated, button-busted consumers. The Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger (just the sound of it is clogging my arteries) won’t be enough.

But, I’m already ahead of them. I’ll open up my own resturant and I’ll do their puny Philly Cheesesteak Thickburger one better by first off making a half pound instead of a third of a pound burger (the motto at Largetony’s Burgers will be “we bring a little more meat to the table”) and then by adding slices of ham and a chicken breast. Belly up to the bar boys and try to take on the Philly Cheesesteak Chicken Cordon Bleu LARGEburger. The commericals will be some Yankee and a French guy shooting le shit with each other, this time their accents stuffed with Largetony meat.

Maybe my restuarant could do it buffet style. You get handed a big juicy, but naked, burger that you then take over to the meat bar where there are steamer trays filled with pork chops, lamb shanks, sausage links, and even deer and squirrel in the more rural franchises. (And how about a big vat of golden retriever for our north asian outlets?)

But, why stop at meat? There’s seafood, too. Top off that all-beef patty with a pink salmon patty, sushi, or crab legs. Or our fancy-type customers can dress up their burgers with ahi (for thirty-nine cents more.)

Are you more of the comfort-food type? Try the LARGEburger topped with meatloaf, lasagne, or a pot pie.

In the mood for breakfast? What early morning burger is complete without french toast between the buns? Or waffles and big flaky country biscuits? Don’t forget to pour on lots of maple syrup and and milk gravy. Mmmm-mmm. Can I interest you in our stick-to-your ribs Oatmeal LARGEburger, today?

Of course, to be really successful in the fast food game, you don’t just have to get ahead of the competition. You have to stay there. Meat topped with more meat and a side of meat will eventually run it’s course (although it may take a while to run through your course). Just like at an orgy, you have the find the niche that is not being filled. Where do fast-food places fail the most? …Desserts. Frosties and fried pies jare just not cutting it. Why? No meat. At Largetony’s, it’s all about the meat. That’s why my test kitchens will be hard at work on a line of mouth-watering dessert burgers:

There is the Fudge-Brownie LARGEburger or the Banana Split LARGEburger? Just need a quick pick-me-up? The LARGEburger topped with Snickers will get you through the day. Kids will love the colorful Skittles LARGEburger. We even have the Mentos LARGEburger for the bizarrely arrogant. And who could pass up the Deepdish Blackberry Cobbler LARGEburger with vanilla ice cream and Cool Whip? Have you heard about our signature Pound and a Half LARGEburger?..Yes, it’s the half pound burger topped with a nice dense slice of pound cake.

And on your way out, don’t forget to pick up a complimentary buttermint at the register. They are a little large,I know. But that’s because they have a juicy meatball center. But you know the other motto at Laregtony’s: “No matter how stuffed you feel, you can always take a little more meat.”

I guess Hardee’s is with us on that one.

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 13th, 2006 at 2:41 pm and is filed under humor, rants. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.