LARGETONY Blog

I’m off work today, so I thought I would throw out a post while I had the time, because you may not be hearing from me for a few days. I know…no post for several days…how is that different? I could post everyday, but it would be just dull and stupid and you’d get really bored. Spend more than fours hours with me, and if you are still awake, you’ll understand how thrilling my life isn’t.

But I’m off topic. (Again…how is that different?) I have a reason for slacking on posts for the next few days. Tomorrow is going to be a “me” day and then this weekend is J’s bachelor party.

When I was handed this task, I did a little research thanks to Google and some links from Jamin. Mostly, I found advice type things and one thing that came up a lot was “don’t have the party the night before the wedding.” See, I would have been wrong from the start. I thought the whole idea was that the group escapes from the rehearsal dinner and tears up the town and makes it back home just in time to get your suit on and take a little hair of the dog. So, the party is this Saturday, and the wedding is next Saturday. Plenty of time to recover.

Another common theme on the bachelor party sites I saw was to go away from the stippers and trashing a hotel room sort of thing that you imagine bachelor parties. A big trend, it turns out, is to do”Guy” stuff. Like white water rafting or hunting excursions.

There’s no real good place to raft around here without a good drive. I guess we could go tubing in the Smokies, but I think the mood of being “manly men” would be killed as soon as a giggling, screaming thirteen year old girl goes whizzing by you because she barely weighs more than her float.

Hunting? Well, I’m not a hunter so I would not know where to begin to set that up. I’m already out of my element hosting a party. Why add to it? I’m not even sure if anything is in season, anyway. I thought about arranging something at a shooting range. But I’m sure that everyone is going to want something where they can drink. So, that idea is out. Besides, I want the activity to be something special. Drunk rednecks with guns…hell, that’s just another Saturday night.

So, I needed to come up with something that “Guys” do together and I figured mutual masturbation would not go over well. I came up with the idea of getting a box or something at a Smokies game. (Thats the local minor league baseball team.) But, they are on the road that night. Too bad, because after food and sex, a guy’s must favorite thing is competition.

I had already eliminated sex from the plan. I’m the only single one anyway. So I’m focused on food and competition. Here’s the plan:

We have rented a resort cabin in the Gatlinburg area of the Smoky Mountains. Gatlinburg is a tourist trap that they used to call the “Vegas of The Smokies.” (I think because there’s a Strip, it’s tacky, and loaded with commercial wedding chapels.) Otherwise, it’s nothing like what I have seen of pictures of Vegas.

But the cabin is in a secluded quiet area and I’m having a guy who does catering to come up and do kind of gourmet (for lack of a better word) grilling. He’s going to do a big ol spread with ribs and steaks and stuff. That takes care of the food.
And for the competition, I found another guy who works as a blackjack dealer at the casino up in Cherokee. He says he knows how to deal poker, so he’s going to come to the cabin and run Texas Hold’ em Poker game. It’s perfect because there are five guys other than me, and I don’t need to play. I need to focus on keeping the party going.

So, I feel good about that. There will be plenty of booze, too. And the cabin is big enough for everyone to stay overnight. I figure the next morning I’ll cook a big breakfast for everybody. I don’t need a caterer for that.

But, I do need some gags. That’s where I’m falling short. I’m just not a good jokester. I mean, I can be funny with words, but I need gags to embarrass J with. I’m trying to put together a gag honeymoon kit, but all I have come up with is “Spartan Micros.” It’s a play on Trojan Magnums. I cut the fingers off of latex gloves and rolled them up to make tiny condoms. I think that will get a good laugh.

If I can just lick this one aspect of the party, I think it will be a winner. And I’m sure the other guys will bring their own special elements to the proceedings. Things like this do have a way of getting wild all on their own. Who knows what will happen by Sunday morning?

But like the saying goes, “Whatever happens in the Vegas of the Smokies, stays in the Vegas of the Smokies.”

P.S. Anybody got any gag ideas?

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 29th, 2006 at 10:03 am and is filed under being tony. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.