Bother of The Bride
You can always tell when it’s getting close to the big day. The RSVP’s are coming in. The shower has been held. The bridemaids are dieting down to the dress size they claimed months ago. The groomsmen are searching for the least skanky stripper for the least amount of money. The mothers-in-law are masking the jabs at each other in Southern pleasantries. And either the bride or the groom is cracking up. Maybe both.
In the case of “J” ’s wedding, it’s the bride. My apologies ahead of time to Sue, Melissa, and any of my other female blog buddies…but women are freaking nuts.
The back story: This past weekend at the wedding shower, the girls played some sort of game that involved picking the most elegible of the groomsmen. A strange game given that everyone in the wedding is married except for me and “J” and his fiance. Therefore, leaving only me, once they say “I do.” The saddest part of all that is that even with things statistically in my favor, I did not win “most eligible.” (Sigh…always a grromsman, never a groom.)
Anyway…as a result of this game, the bride told “J” that she wanted to hook me up with a single friend of hers who will be at the wedding. He tried to just brush it all off, but she kept going on about what a good idea it would be. She wouldn’t let it go, so he finally had to break it down for her.
I knew at some point he would tell her that I am a card-carrying member of Fudge Packers Local 213. While I don’t broadcast that part of my life around here, it only makes sense that my best friend’s wife would know the facts. They are going to become a unit, so I figured that eventually I will become as close to her as I am to him.
But now I’m not so sure because when he told her, the bitch flipped out.
But that’s not the crazy part. Well, yeah it is crazy, but not for the reasons you probably think. Now, I got all this from “J,” but she didn’t flip out because I am gay. She flipped out because he didn’t tell her sooner. “Huh?” you ask. (Me, too.) In her way of thinking (read:crazy), because he did not tell her sooner, he must be hiding something from her. She is now suspicious of the the nature of the “J” ’s relationship with me.
Now, if that doesn’t make her as nutty as a squirrel’s pantry, then try this logic: She doesn’t think he’s seems like the kind of guy who would have a gay friend because he’s “not into the things that gays are.” So, she can’t buy that he could be into quiche and Prada, but she can buy that he’s into smoking my bone. (Or maybe she thinks I smoke his…I’m not into quiche and Prada, so how could that be?)
So he tells her that all gay men are not into the stero-typical things and there are all kinds of other common interests. Her response to that?…”Then why don’t you have more gay friends?” That’s right. Her fear that her future husband is playing Tarzan and The Stable Boy with his only gay friend would be eased if he had more gay friends. She’s not just nuts. She a freaking nuts, crackers, and bananas casserole.
So they had a big fight and now she’s all paranoid and is demanding that “J” and I don’t hang out anymore after they get married. When I asked “J’ how he felt about that, he said, “Fuck that bitch. Bro’s before ho’s.” Now, before you make too much out of that, it’s just “J’s” bravado. He doesn’t mean that. He’s just talking. He doesn’t think of her as a bitch or a ho. That was just his macho way of telling me that he’s not going to let the marriage effect our friendship.
“J” and I have been tight for about fifteen years, so I’m sure she’s feeling insecure since she’s only known him a little less than one year. And the added stress of planning a wedding, getting married, and committing your life to someone has to only magnify any doubts about the steps they are about to take. That’s got to make you do and think some crazy shit.
Hopefully she’ll realize how ludicrous the whole idea is and all this shit will pass before she takes it into the marriage with them. But sometimes shit is difficult to pass when it’s full of nuts.
June 27th, 2006 at 3:46 am
Lord, let’s hope that none of her friends turns out to be a lesbian.
June 27th, 2006 at 5:12 am
Oh God… How tedious.
So…
You hijacked her TV show; she’s pissed.
You did a terrible thing because in the pilot, you were supposed to fall in love with her friend which would neutralise any ‘dangerous singles’ threat from both you AND the friend (no potential threat from her friend - so she keeps the friend, and ‘J” would not be tempted because she’s your girl,) get you and his single life out of the way for good, while making you both socially acceptable on the ‘we’re married our lives are over’ circuit.
How thoughtless of you! Selfish even…
You see, this show was supposed to be ALL ABOUT HER and now she’s no longer the star and what if your spin-off gets better ratings? Furthermore, she doesn’t want ‘J’ making guest-appearances, he’s on an exclusive contract from now on! YOU were supposed to guest on HER show.
It’s just not fair!
Waaaaah!
Is it mad like that?
June 27th, 2006 at 5:40 am
Tension is high. She’ll calm down after the wedding.
June 27th, 2006 at 6:53 am
Saying “I do” is a big step. Sounds like a case of pre-wedding jitters. Dramatic jitters, yes, but if the commitment is strong, they’ll work it out. Of course your friendship with “J” will change. How could it not? But friendships don’t just go away. It’ll work out.
June 27th, 2006 at 7:33 am
When it comes to weddings we (women) are all fucking nuts. You momentarily rained on her parade (damn you for being gay, how dare you on her big day!!!), but she will get over it. She’s just throwing a crazy tantrum because she’s the bride to be and therefore allowed. And you and “J” will continue to be friends, probably for longer than the marriage will last. I mean you have been friends already for more than 15 years. Is it bad luck or karma to say that? Oh well, I just did.
June 27th, 2006 at 9:47 am
Ah sweet Sue….! So Calm… So wise….
June 27th, 2006 at 10:02 am
I think Sue nailed that one right on the head! But I really must say… Bro’s and Ho’s?? I am sooo gonna try to work that into conversation with someone today
June 27th, 2006 at 10:16 am
in spite of all the drama and what not, maybe it’s good that this happened now. can you imagine if he happened to ‘reveal’ your ’status’ AFTER the marriage??? “J” might not have lived through that. and also, at least this way, it saves you from being expected to hook-up with a girl during the ceremony and reception! you see, the glass is half-full, lol.
June 27th, 2006 at 12:20 pm
maybe she saw brokeback mountain and therefore thinks you guys have been playing hide the enormous sausage all these years, as jack and ennis were…
June 27th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
I must be missing something.Married bridal party participants enjoy a GAME involving rating single groomsmen. You are the ONLY single groomsman. You do not win the game. Southern customs can be so confusing. Are married men considered elegible?Do married people choreograph/arrange hook ups for all their single friends? Maybe now that she knows, when she calms down, she may have a more suitable match in mind for you.
June 27th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
Ok, that is too funny. I think Sue has it right. She’s all geeked baout the wedding.
I got to be Man of Honor for my best bud at her wedding. The groom’s mom had a bit of a fit about it, but as my bud said, “Why would I want any other bitches up there on my day?”. So all the pics have three guys and the bride. How sweet is that?
I did have to wear a suit and the wedding was held in Columbus Ohio, in August, …outdoors. I bet I lost about 5-8 lbs of water weight though.
June 27th, 2006 at 3:40 pm
I hope she becomes more open minded
June 27th, 2006 at 4:31 pm
I guess her reaction could be attributed to a combination of her own wedding stress, and, yes, some of her own issues. You’re wise to cut her some slack. When we’re stressed, everything is intensified. She overreacted, BIG TIME. However, I understand where she’s coming from, to an extent. It always hurts when the one we love keeps something from us, even though your sexuality really is none of her business. She’s a little hurt, and she wants to hurt “J” back. This too, shall pass.
It seems that weddings really separate the girls from the women. The girls turn into bridezillas and the women realize it’s not ALL! ABOUT! THEM! Thank God my female friends are women.
Also, I hate that people think that just because you’re single that it is their duty to “hook you up” with someone. Who asked you? (end rant)
On a separate note, enjoy your 31st B-day on Friday. I hope something cool happens for you.
June 27th, 2006 at 4:36 pm
Oh Yah Tony….as a brother to four sisters, all married now, I can attest to the ‘crazies’ they turn into for the duration leading up to and sometimes through the wedding. Hopefully like my sisters, J’s bride to be will laugh at herself when looking back. Should J sense that there is any forthright coming from his bride to be about your friendship then that is something J should explore NOW before finalzing any commitment, even if it means stalling the wedding. HOPEFULLY its purely the jitters.
PS.. I laugh now because all my sisters say now given then boys to raise over girls anytime. Guess they get it dished back at themselves. HEHEHE! No offense to the ladies out there.
June 27th, 2006 at 6:03 pm
Let me know if you don’t want to be single anymore, Tony
June 27th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
I have sung at more weddings than I can remember at this point, and 9 times out of 10, a secluded, padded room would be a good choice for one or both of the parties directly involved in the week leading up to the wedding.
She’s tense. She’s saying to herself “There’s no turning back after Saturday. How could I have forgotten to ask him if he’d made it with a guy before? Oh, Jesus, what if he IS gay — all the REALLY good ones are, you know. And I’m marrying him, so he MUST be a really good one. Therefore…”
I’m sure if this had come up under different circumstances, the result would have been MUCH more satisfactory all around. Have no fear, this too shall pass, once she gets to know you. How can she NOT love you?
Hugs from Minnesota!
June 28th, 2006 at 12:59 am
In my experience, when finding out that a man they know is “of the homosexual persuasion” (like we really need any persuading!) the (straight)ladies fall into two major categories.
#1: You’re just “one of the girls”.
Most women I know and those I am friends with fall under this one. These are girls (women?) that you share beauty secrets with and talk about boys. If you spend the night you can rest assured it’ll be like a slumber party.
#2: They are convinced that you j”ust haven’t found the right woman”. These girls (women?) will try to “convert” you. They are just so sure that a roll in the hay with them will make you give up men forever.
(HA! Fat chance sweetie!)
Then there are gals like your best friend’s fiancee.
What a whackadoodle!
There’s nothing you can do about her attitude or opinion, Tont. Shell either have to deal with it, or not, as the case may be.
Your best friend deserves snaps for an entirely different reason, though.
I can count my straight male friends on one hand, because most straight men aren’t secure enough in their own sexuality to deal with having a friend who is gay.
Your buddy isn’t like that, though, and that’s very rare.
June 28th, 2006 at 10:33 am
Prada sucks. Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way….
My best friend’s brother’s girlfriend had the same reaction to finding out my best friend is gay - “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” and really got upset with him about it. Well, it’s really none of your business, firstly, and secondly, it’s a timing thing.
Anyway, I second what Sue said. She’s allowing her emotions to drive her right now and she will cool off after the wedding. You’re taking her man away with a secret that you two share that she’s not in on, but after she’s joined as one with him and realizes what that means, she’ll (hopefully) relent.
Please don’t be mean on their wedding day….
I hope she doesn’t let everyone down there know, though….
For what it’s worth, I think being single gets old after a while, too….
June 28th, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Rather than tell you what I think you wanna hear, I’ll be honest. When I read your post alarm bells went off in my head. Having read some of the history you posted about her and J, I have the feeling she won’t let this go. I think you are going to have a fight on your hands to keep J as your friend. Maybe a one sided fight because J sounds like a true friend but a fight nonetheless.
That said, I HOPE it turns out to be wedding stress and she calms down once she realizes you aren’t really a threat.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:06 pm
BFF … best friends forever … I’m still friends with my best friend from the first grade, even though he’s gone through three wives. Real friends out-last wives.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:28 pm
While I know how you must be feeling and you have every right to crush her, I also think she has a point there. J should have told about you earlier. And I think only you can convince her about the scanctity of your friendship with J (don’t ask me how, because I don’t know)
June 29th, 2006 at 6:08 pm
Oh here we go again.. the women are freaking out again ’cause of the gays. I thought women were supposed to adore all us gays? Heheh. I think she’s just VERY insecure at the moment.. hopefully she’ll settle down after they get married and she’s SURE that he’s straight. But who knows, some women are beyond insane. And unfortunately, I agree with Moby… if she doesn’t lighten up and relax, this whole situation is going to end up in an even bigger fight, in which case it may be an ultimatum of his friendship with you, or his marriage to her…
It just cracks me up that she asked him why IF you were just friends, why he didn’t have MORE gay friends… LOL! I mean, come on… what straight guy, especially one in redneck country, actually SEARCHES OUT gay guys for friends? That would be way too weird. I mean, even my brother-in-law doesn’t have gay friends, although he has me as a brother-in-law… I just hope that she comes back to reality. :/