Sire
Today is Father’s Day. I know that because I saw a sale flyer in the newspaper pullouts the other day. Father’s Day generally goes right by me. I guess I could use the excuse that I haven’t had a father almost as many years as I did have one before he passed. But considering my mother passed three years before him, and I don’t ever forget Mother’s Day, it really doesn’t hold water. Maybe it’s because Mother’s Day is a much bigger holiday. Or maybe it’s just because I’m a momma’s boy.
I have talked about my mother in the blog a lot more than I have about my father. I’ve only mentioned him here and there. And to be fair, what little I have said about him has not always been positive. Which isn’t fair. Sure, he had his issues and his demons, but nobody is all bad. Least of all, my father.
I don’t think any parent sets out to favor one child over another. And most probably convince themselves that they don’t. But they do. After all, our mother favored me. So, even though our father favored my brother, I can’t fault him for that (my father or my brother). It’s just human nature. No matter how much you see your father as a god (or a devil) he’s really just a human.
Mine was as human as any. He laughed. He cried. He joked, he gushed. He ranted and raved. He’d walk proud and tall. He’d stumble and fall. He was charming. He was a rascal. He was the hero. He was the beast. He was the man in charge who eventually lost control.
The bond between my father and brother was natural. He saw himself in my brother and never could quite see himself in me. My father and brother both had reputations for being outgoing and popular. I was quiet and shy. My father was considered to be extremely handsome. My brother looks just like him. I have a big nose and ears like my grandfather. I also have my grandfather’s name. I was supposed to be name after my father (I don’t know why my brother wasn’t) but somehow that didn’t happen. So, I think my father never felt like I was fully his. I don’t mean in the sense that someone else was my father. But in the sense that I didn’t represent who he was.
Because my brother was who my father was, I think may father just didn’t know what to do with me. But he loved me. In the best way he knew how. That’s all you can really expect from anyone.
June 18th, 2006 at 1:39 pm
I’ve heard that the relationship with the same-sex parent is usually more difficult. It’s cool that you can look back on your relationship with your father very stoically. I know I’ve had my difficulties, and it just helps so much to “let it go”. Hope this Father’s Day finds you and Granny in good spirits.
June 18th, 2006 at 2:40 pm
Thank you for the thoughts. After i posted a “thoughtful and moving” piece about mom on her day, i felt obligated to do the same for dad. When it got time to perform, i really couldnt think of anything to say, so i just posted a picture.
I had the good fortune to know Dad until I was 38yo. I also know that the older I got, the more i appreciated him. If i had lost him at a young age, I would not have had this gift.
I also enjoyed your post on fecal humans. There is a french saying which translates as ” it takes shit to grow roses”. I just wish that these humanoid types were as useful.
June 18th, 2006 at 7:15 pm
so many fathers miss out on being good dads because of some preconceived holdup concerning their children (especially their sons) and this is sad that this had to happen to you. my dad wasn’t the best (he’s better now), either, but….i don’t know what else to say. if you have kids, i’ll tell you this much:
1. shower them with affection, even when they’re teenagers
2. don’t back down from the exhausting job of correcting them when they’re wrong
3. connect with them as a parent first. that “best friends” stuff will come later in life when they’re adults and can handle (gasp!) and adult friendship (as you’re an adult).
June 18th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
LT….
Your perception of your father perhaps favoring your brother is just that, a perception. All your answers are in your own post. In your last paragraph summation you said that your father ‘loved you the best way he knew how.’ You also indicated that your father perhaps saw a little of himself in your brother and now you, thus relating better with your brother.
For me LT, I don’t see that as favoritism per se, its natural human response to be drawn to people we often are similar to. Like you said our fathers are human beings. They are no different. I bet you might be surprised at how much your father really loved you that he never said to you. I am assuming you had a decent relationship while he was alive.
In my own experience, I only found out how much my father really loved me. But I never really had questioned his love for me. Oddly enough it came up in a conversation with my mom over some personal struggles in my life. She laid it out clearly how much my dad had loved me but could never express because he felt he was not smart enough for me. See I was the bright one in my family, the creative, the sensative one. Where the reast of my six brothers and sisters were more athletic, much like him. Plus my father did not have a college education. Can you believe he actually felt inferior to me at one level. it blows my mind.
so just to wrap it up here LT…I bet you he loved you just as much as your brother. I can’t even imagine favoritism being an issue. Don’t ever deny yourself that. Perhaps I am the eternal optimist, but that is just me. Hope all is well with you. Take care/
June 19th, 2006 at 12:38 am
Father’s day is a kind of complicated one for me. I’ve only met my father twice in my life. He has never really acknowledged our relationship. When I was a little kid I used to fantasize about him. Namely, I make up a lot of shit about him being a superhero who would one day come for me. I was 17 before I fully realised that was never going to happen.
Loving the best we know how is all we can expect of anyone. Your post today honours that love. He’d be proud of you.
Oh, and I’d say his second son is a very handsome man too.
June 19th, 2006 at 6:47 pm
i didnot know it was fathers day until i read this entry
my relation to my dad is non existant the only time i remember us talking is when he asked about school they after belittle me for being baad in maths ,then there when want money and thats it i can summarise the years i have spent with my dad in the same house to like 6 yrs of my life (divorced when i was 5] .so how would i communicate with him he was always treat as an outsider u know when me and my sister and brother and mumm are talking about something and he comes in we just go silent or everybody will leave the room
last time i talked to my dad waslike years ago when i was about to move to europe for my studies and had not told him so he got all pissed offso now all we do i send each othe one text message a year during christmas
in other words i understnd what ur went thru my older brother and my dad have a great relationship he just didnot know how to talk to me and i never fitted in to what he wanted me to be……
June 19th, 2006 at 8:49 pm
my dad and my brother have that bond as well. Love that picture, I collect them.
June 20th, 2006 at 6:44 am
…and his son became a man who sometimes writes very very movingly, with a spare elegance and quiet dignity.