Best Friend’s Best Man
Before you get all excited, this is not a post about gay marriage. Sorry. This is about old-school, red state, hetero marriage. Actually it has more to do with a wedding. The event. And the sub-events that go with it.
I mentioned the other day that my best friend “J” is getting married. This in itself is an event. “J” is the biggest pussy hound I know, except for my brother. (The difference is that my brother was very successful at it. “J” isn’t as much. That never stopped him from trying, though). And I never thought he’d settle for just one beaver in the trap.
He met this girl last fall and told me not long after that he was going to marry her one day. I figured he’d hold onto that until he got her panties on the floor, but lo and behold, a few months later, he’s still into her and they’re getting married. And she’s not even knocked up.
So, “J” is getting married and guess who’s going the be the best man. Yep, I’m going to be my best friend’s best man. I’m a little bit surprised. Actually it’s more like I’m taken a lit bit off guard. I guess I’m sort of the obvious choice. We have been friends since high school. And if I were getting married, I’m sure he would be my best man. But we have never discussed it before, so when the reality hit that he is getting married, the reality that I am going to be the best man hit even harder.
I thought being best man meant I would just stand next to him at the wedding and pass him the ring. But no. I am being expected to plan (!!!) a bachelor party and give a toast (!!!) at the reception. I don’t know which one I’m more scared of. The idea of being the best man was a lot more exciting when my only concern was going to be not dropping the ring in the hand off.
If that’s not already enough to tie my stomach in knots like it was fourth and inches on the one yard line with three seconds on the clock and behind by two against Florida, then add to the fact that they are doing this really fast. Really , really fast (and she’s not even knocked up!). They just announced it a couple of weeks ago, but the wedding is on July 8. One month from today (!!!!!)
I think I’m a little more worried about the bachelor party than the speech. At least with the speech I can write it down first (which I’m comfortable doing). The worst part of that is having to stand up in front of people and say it. If I write it down, I can read it, and I won;t have to look at people looking at me.
But a party?…I have never in my life…EVER…thrown any kind of a party. I’ve never even done something as simple as inviting people to watch a football game on TV where the only planning required is buying bags of ice and busting open packs of junk food. I’ve been to them. But I have never been the one in charge of it.
Beyond the obvious things like lots of beer and a stripper (or a visit to a tittie bar), I don;t know what to do. Especially since I don’t really know the other guys all that well. Even though “J” and I have been friends a long time, as we have gotten older, we have each developed our own set of friends outside each other. So, I have a bunch of bascially strangers looking to me to be “the man.” The Best Man.
What’s the Best Man to do when he isn’t?
June 8th, 2006 at 5:47 am
Noooooo! Tony stop this! You ARE….
The speech will be magnificent so no problems there.
I have no expertise in this (even my brother chose someone else - the bastard!) however…
Bar? Then Restaurant? THEN tittie bar (ditch the stripper, you are, after all, no longer kids, however if there happens to be strippers standing on the bar alongside the olives and finger-nibblies then so be it and his future wife will not blame you when the running sores appear…
Do nothing in anyone’s home. Just book the places, turn up then leave others to clean up after you all… I don’t think you have to do anything more.
Perhaps, for a small fee, the titty bar girls will tie him to a pole and shame him publicly for you? I think they might enjoy that.
Leave the tar and feathering and bizarrely kinky humiliation stuff to the straight-boys, you may forget yourself in a moment of drunken joie-de-vivre and have some explaining to do if you’re not careful…
In any case, you’re there to look after him when they’ve had their wicked way.
Don’t let them cut his hair.
Carry a bolt-cutter.
June 8th, 2006 at 6:16 am
Just go with the flow, brother. Be to your friend what he expects you to be. This is not the time to be brassy or a show-off. As long as your buddy has a send off that he’s impressed with; that’s all that really matters. After my buddy’s ‘best man’ ditched the groom and took the rest of the party to frollick in ways that strippers and dark rooms do so well; me and the best man had a classy night and enjoyed the company of many other female entertainers that evening by just enjoying their burlesque. Our friendship cemented that night, and he had wished I would’ve been his best man. We (4 of us) decided to ‘party’ the responsible way. Strippers, yes…but stories, no. He had no reason to not hold his head up for the big day that came along. And his wife appreciated the fact that ‘he’ didn’t get caught up in the Animal House act, to just embarrass himself, his friends, and their future marriage. IT was the classiest night I have ever had………….
June 8th, 2006 at 7:47 am
You know, you could always do one of two things, and my friends and I have always had a blast and luck with these:
See if you can throw together a baseball stadium run. Most all teams have some kind of VIP room that you can rent that ends up including all the beer and food you can go thru. Have the guys pitch in and party on.
Otherwise, we have always chartered a bus and go bar hopping and to a casino. Don’t know if this is available in your area, but it’s always a good time.
I agree with Vin - if nothing else throw in some titties and go with the flow.
HAVE FUN = )
June 8th, 2006 at 9:29 am
The possibilities are endless. Some of the recent bachelor parties here have included golf, skeet shooting, archery tournaments, fishing for the day, whatever the groom was into. Then dinner or a backyard barbeque somewhere and girls but a couple of times not at the grooms request. Don’t stress about it too much, if “J” is a good friend he’ll realize you did what you could and I’m sure it will be fine with him. I’m sure he picked you because you are the “Best Man”. HAVE FUN !
June 8th, 2006 at 11:00 am
Okay, take a breath. There. Feel better?
Okay, don’t stress over this. It’s a big task and brand new to you, but nothing to stress over. For the party - ask him what he would like to do. I will say that strippers say that if you want clean fun, go to a bar. If it is a private party with strippers, that’s where things can get out of control for the groom (sex, etc.)
As for the toast, you don’t have to be perfect - just be heartfelt and just be you. You have a big enough heart to pull this off authentically so I don’t think that’ll be too much of a problem.
If you want help and a guide for doing so, check out the following:
http://www.ehow.com/how_3408_be-man.html
http://www.ehow.com/tips_3408.html
http://www.askmen.com/fashion/how_to_250/261_how_to.html
http://www.thebestman.com/
June 8th, 2006 at 4:16 pm
Tony-
You’ll do great. Paintball, Mini-Golf, Drunken-Go-Karts…lots to do. Speak from the heart…Rent Dracula; “Two lovers who have crossed oceans of time to find each other…” Good luck.
June 8th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
This is so exciting! Think what a great post it will make. Oh, you probably want to focus on making it work. You should hire a male stripper to really throw him off. After he reacts, and you play all innocent, then bring out the female one. I’m not sure you would be comfortable with this, since I don’t know who will be there, but it would be really funny. You could also put together an emabarassing power point presentation about his life and previous conquests and make raunchy claims about his wife-to-be. Anyway, that’s a start. Loosen up and have fun with it.
June 8th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
Are you sure she is not preggers? It is my experience that when the wedding takes place within a month of the announcement, there are going to be three people at the alter.
June 8th, 2006 at 8:10 pm
How wonderful! I’m such a sucker for the romance of a wedding.
As for the party, you could just plan an event that centers on something that “J” likes to do – be it a game, putt-putt, some time around a camp fire swapping stories, or even a night out at the “titty bar”. It’s his big night so think about what he likes to do most and you’ll know what to plan.
As for the speech, well, I have every confidence in you. With your fabulous writing skills, it will be a snap. I’m certain that it will be heartfelt and beautiful.
A request, if it isn’t too invasive to you all’s privacy: I’m certain I’m not alone in wishing to view some of the wedding pictures and I would be most honored to read your toast to the bride and groom if you would be so willing to share. Indeed, we need a picture of Large Tony taking off the garter belt!! In any event, my regards to the bride to be, to “J”, and my best to the best man.
June 8th, 2006 at 11:02 pm
I agree you should get a feel for what your friend wants and honor his wishes..stoagies come to mind, muddin, a tractor pull, good seats to a big game, etc. If nudity is part of the equation, pick a bar that is mid range. Not the pricest but not the skank either. If booze is involed I’m sure whatever you do will be a hit.
You have a talent for writing so do what you do best.
June 9th, 2006 at 8:22 pm
Oh Tony
This is one time where I simply can’t offer you any advice. Just being a wedding photographer once was enough to make me swear off ever attending one again. I figure when Jake and Meagan finally get hitched he’ll ask Barry, or another one of the friends he has down there.
What Moby said is great advice– if booze is involved it will smooth out any bumps along the way.
June 10th, 2006 at 5:21 pm
LT,
Some have said it here already. First and foremost, be yourself. Right there next to it though, is ask your friend what he would envision. And don’t be shy abouut asking if he haws any desires to even have strippers involved. You’d be surprised at how many guys are caving in to avoid that situation because their fiancee doesn’t want that involved. I think the sensatvie and respectful ones follow their potential spouses wishes out of respect and love. So check on that first. He is really the one that you have to honor, not worry about what the guests might want.
Sporting events can always be fun, such as the baseball game thing, gold. I attended one where each of the attendeed brought a gag household gift, ie. ironing board, bucket and sponge, all the stuff guys hate to do and might have to expect in marriage. It weas good for a ton of funny commments and laughs. Bar or brewery hopping in a limo or limobus depending on the size, mixed with the spoof gift idea.
The key things again, be yourself, focus on him and not the guests, ask him what he would like. You’ll pull it off with flying colors.
The Other Tony
June 18th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
One part of being a best man is giving the one last party for the groom. But I see it as recognition of what you have meant to him in the past. You are the one person he has singled out for that job, for that reason Tony, you are the best man.