Houston, Do We Have A Problem?
Remember the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey? If I remember it right, it’s the one with the astronaut floating through space and there is waltz music. He’s just there, out in the middle of the universe. It all seems so peaceful and pleasant. Sure, it seems that way now. But what happens when his air starts to run out? Or he bounces off a chunk of space debris and he ricochets off into some black hole?
I’m floating through space. But there’s no waltz music. Just me. I don’t even have a space suit. I’m just there…a part of the universe, I’m sure. I must be: I’m living. I’m breathing. I eat. I shit. But I’m disconnected.
I see the world out there. It’s happening all around me. Never stopping. Old Man River. Old Mother Earth. Just keeps rolling. And I can’t connect. I can’t get a grip and pull myself onboard again. Is it that I am not reaching far enough, not giving it a really good stretch? Or is it that I’m really not reaching at all?
It’s not like that jar of jelly on the high shelf in the pantry. Because then you know what you’re reaching for. Just a little bit farther and that strawberry sweetness is yours. Problem is I don’t know what’s up on that shelf…or even if there is a shelf. Do I just grab and grab until I take hold of something? I guess I could. But eventually my arms will get tired.
And I’m tired. Of what? I don’t know. I just am. I can’t put my finger on it. If I could, I would grab it off the shelf and throw it in the garbage. But, instead, I float. Houston, there must be a problem.
May 15th, 2006 at 11:41 pm
I feel the same way. Everyday I seem to go here and there, but yet to get anywhere. Everyday I look here and there, but yet I don’t seem to find anything. I’m not sure exactly where I am looking to go and I am not exactly sure what I am looking for. Perhaps I do, I just keep over looking it somehow. (restless)
May 16th, 2006 at 1:07 am
Yikes. So sorry to hear the fog hasn’t cleared yet, so to speak. It’s so hard to feel alive sometimes. I guess we all feel tired at one point or another, but you really have had so much to deal with. As always, you will be in my thoughts…
May 16th, 2006 at 2:50 am
We all go throught that funk Tony. I have been there so many times. For a change the fog has seemed to clear and I am moving forward, new friendships evolving, many from this crazy sphere we call blogland, a new career about to begin, good academic grades, and hell just the sweetness of family. Just need that damn guy in myh life. And I am working someone on that one. Just need him to recognize it. Things do fall into place. Believe it - From one Tony to another!
May 16th, 2006 at 4:16 am
A field’s got to lie fallow sometimes if you’re to yield a decent crop in the future…
Trust me; we city boys know these eternal truths…
O bla di, o bla da…
May 16th, 2006 at 4:22 am
Everyone goes through this every once in a while. perhaps you need a nice break sometime soon.
Paul
May 16th, 2006 at 7:59 am
It’s The Blue Danube, by Johann Strauss the younger. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Blue_Danube
…and it sounds like you need some excitement in your life. Maybe a new hobby would help, or go and buy something for yourself you’ve wanted for a while. I believe in buying new sex toys myself =)
May 16th, 2006 at 8:01 am
*grmpf* the blogging software apparently doesn’t like underscores in URLs…
May 16th, 2006 at 4:17 pm
houston send my boy a boyfriend and drama to make him tired for a reason heheh
May 16th, 2006 at 5:32 pm
Ground Control to Major Tony . . .
The support you crave is available. You simply have to ask for it.
Over . . .
May 16th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
Does this have to do with meeting people, a change in your life, or something else? I understand what it’s like to know there’s something that needs to be done but not quite sure what it is. At the least, just keep talking and keep friends nearby, if it’s possible.
Or just float for a bit… sometimes people need that.
May 16th, 2006 at 6:55 pm
I would trade with you right now…………this project at work is kickin’ my ass! I need a break soon. Just 4 more weeks to get this done! UGH!
Try something new to get through the doldrums!
Wish I could help, but I haven’t had time to even update my blog.
May 16th, 2006 at 8:19 pm
Think of a project and work on it. Or do some volunteer work. It is very satisfying to help others and not expect rewards.
May 16th, 2006 at 8:58 pm
Starman…
This is Houston.
No, there’s no problem. You simply need to adjust a…knob. You have your focus too narrowed. You need to expand your horizon.
You do not need to see what is Out There to know that something is Out There. Columbus wasn’t lost; neither are you. When Lewis & Clarke began their epic journey they could not see what was on the “top shelf” either, but they–like Columbus–pushed forward into the unknown. They seemed to have done pretty well. You will too!
Now, hold your chin up and go boldly into the unknown. You are not alone, nor lost. Stop trying to see the destination when you should be enjoying the Journey.
And by-the-way, you’re pretty AWESOME!!!
Take care.
May 16th, 2006 at 9:42 pm
it’s probably just due to the fact that the world is winding down now to the end. in case anyone’s interested, the world will end in six years five months four days thirty six minutes and seven seconds.
May 16th, 2006 at 9:44 pm
Sometimes we all seem to be lost in where we are heading and what it is we are ment to be doing? (well what we think we a ment to be doing)
Float for a bit have a look within and if it goes on to long then worry about it,
Take some time just for you,
My friends around always help me put my wandering feet back where they are ment to be, They tend to know us better than ourself sometimes.
Love reading your blog.
Thanks x x
May 16th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Tony,
One of the other blogs that I follow, http://www.faggotyassfaggot.com., had a post today about feeling poorly. I sent to following post to him. Since you are mentioned towards the end, I thought maybe I would copy you.
1- Is the glass half full, half empty, or too dirty to tell?
2- Once Gomez Addams asked Lurch “What’s the matter old boy?” To which Lurch replied “I enjoy being miserable”.
3- I have posted thousands of words at my “alternative” blog, with not a single comment. Anyone who wants to be first go to http://www.piersgavestonjr.blogspot.com/.
4- I sent a letter tonight to someone on craigslist. I lied about my age. I got this reply…” I sent a letter tonight to someone on craigslist. I lied about my age. I got this answer…” I know you, you know me..weve hooked up before”.
5- It is late, I am sleepy, and I get up at 6am to go work in Marietta GA, a mile away from the Big Chicken. I am leery of all forms of chemical medication for mental trauma, as well as people who get paid for talking, whether they are psychiatrists, ministers, or bartenders. Alcohol is a bad drug also. Of course, I quit drinking in 1988 and still spend a lot of the time depressed. Could it be Lurch syndrome? Is my body chemistry out of whack? Is it a lunar cycle? Am I being called back to Thrunombulax (the planet of my birth)?
6- My giving advice about depression is like Cynthia Mckinney (my representative in congress) giving advice about hair care.
7- I am so grateful for spell check, or is never could spell psychiatrists.
8- One of my chat buddies says he is a psychotherapist without ‘the “.
9- Mark Twain said “ Profanity offers a measure of relief denied even to prayer “ I bet he hit his thumb with a hammer once or twice. Maybe the answer to your problem is cussing more.
10- Will Rogers never met George W. Bush.
11- One of my favorite bloggers is a man in Tennessee named Large Tony. He also had a post today about a general sense of disconnection with the world. Now, this man is 20 years younger than I, has (reportedly) a huge dick, lives in the lovely hills of east Tennessee, and he feels …blah. Maybe I am not doing so badly after all.
12- When I spell checked this, s.c. questioned the phrase “Mckinney” with regards to our esteemed representative. I clicked “ignore”. While this is not a cure for anything, I did enjoy the concept of ignoring Cynthia Mckinney.
May 17th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Never underestimate the power of positive thinking. When your lost, just follow your heart.
May 17th, 2006 at 12:45 pm
You sound depressed. Like, on the verge of clinical depression - especially because you mention that you’re tired. That’s a good sign of being depressed - tired of trying to manage and control it all.
Volunteering is good. Can you do a weekend trip away somewhere doing something you want to do? Can someone look after your grandmother for a weekend?
If you need help (psychiatric or psychological) please get it. Don’t let it go further than this. Sit and think about what’s really got you down. I’m sure you’ll come up with at least one thing and work it out. Like I said, if you want to talk about it, I’m here.
May 17th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Geez Tony. I feel so remiss. I’ve only been checking your blog on Wednesdays for hump day.
It is so frustrating to be so far away and to not go out for a drink and talk to you about what is going on. God, if I can help in any way, just let me know. Take care of yourself Tony.
May 19th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
Tony … I hope you find your direction, soon. I’m reminded of the comment from Elliott Yamin on AI5 this week … “I’ve been lost for so long.” He’s been a great inspiration to me for the last few months - have a dream, and GO for it!
Hey, also since last week was Mother’s Day … as I thought of all the women, and mothers in my life, I thought also of you — and your love for your mother and granny. I’m sure you paused for a moment of reflection.
Family gives us all roots.
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