Moody Blues
Ok, so I haven’t written very much lately. I just haven’t felt in the mood to do it. I don’t know what to call the mood I’m in. It’s just not a good one. For almost two weeks I have been grumpy, irritable, sad, impatient, angry, restless, sensitive, and all kinds of other negative things. If it’s an emotion and it comes with a minus sign, then I have felt it recently. If only I had hot flashes and a uterus, I could at least blame it on menopause (apologies to the ladies…aplogies if I spelled it wrong, too. I tried it three different ways. I guess I could look it up, but I’m just not in the mood.)
It’s not like I have been stomping around for two weeks, but it’s been a slowly building thing. Today it finally came to a head when I lost my temper with Granny. She must have said to me fifteen times today that I should bring the begonias in off the porch before the storm came. Well, there was no storm, and there are no begonias, but it was locked in her head that both were happening. When I got so frustrated that I snapped at her to just let it go, she got just as firm back to me with “Fine. I’ll do it myself. I don’t want them ruined.”
I felt two inches tall after that, so I just bit my tongue and told her that I already did it. That satisfied her until fifteen minutes later when she told me that the flowers needed to be brought in again. AAARRRGGGH. At least I know that she doesn’t remember me snapping at her.
I don’t know what’s going on with me. I just don’t get like this. Stuff usually rolls off my back. I mean, you have to really do something bad to get me riled up. The other day, a dude I work with made a semi-insulting remark towards me. He may have been just joking, I don’t know. But he said it as he was walking past me, so I took my loaded brush and slung paint at his back. He had a speckled stripe from his head to his butt. He stopped in his tracks like he almost didn’t know what just happened. Then he turned around to me and I just squared off with him and said, “Do something.” Nothing happened from there. He just called me a muther fucker and went on his way.
This is crazy. I don’t pick fights. I’ll fight when I’m pushed into it, but starting one is just not my way. But for some reason I tried to. And what’s worse, it didn’t even bother me until I started thinking about it today.
I wish I could just blame it on being sexually frustrated. You know how athletes get put on pussy restriction so that they will get more aggressive. But that’s too easy an answer. Besides, it’s been so long I would be way beyond grumpiness. I would have probably committed mass murder by now. Or at least snapped the neck of a kitten with my bare hands.
I thought maybe it’s all connected to the fact that I have been thinking a lot about my mother’s death lately. Like I still haven’t come to peace with it in sixteen years. But that doesn’t make sense either. That event is always on my mind pretty heavily around this time of the year because she died on May 1 and Mother’s day is soon after, and her birthday is generally a few days after that. But, in those sixteen years I have never got like this before.
And it’s not all that unusual for me to get a little moody. I’m a Cancer. It’s what we do. But, when I get in moods I usually just keep to myself. I don’t take it out on others. There is something bigger going on. I wish I could figure it out so that I could just nip it in the bud. But, until I do (if I do) I guess all I can do is just hope it will go away.
April 30th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
so i’ve read your post for several months now,
and i’ve just recently come to the realization that the reason
why i’m so frustrated with my life is that i’m not
actively trying to do anything with it, i’m simply watching
it go by. so i’m starting to do things regardless if they
end up in fruit or failure, and it seems to be helping,
because i seem to have shaken off a several year “funk”.
i thought i might throw that out there as a suggestion
of what might help your situation… hope it helps.
May 1st, 2006 at 2:00 am
Man, that really sucks. The situation you’re in is really difficult. I guess right now it’s just too hard to find the energy to shake yourself up and out of such a mood. People always say how life is so short, but I imagine for you right now, it must seem pretty damn long.
As you said about nine months ago, you’re right where you should be, at least when it come to your Granny. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy place to be (obviously). OF COURSE something bigger is going on, and that self-examination is very painful. Yeah, it’ll probably just go away, but likely come back stronger at a different time if you just choose to ignore it. You probably know that anyway.
You’re a good man, and keep on trying. I hope you figure a way out of this funk soon, because, on a selfish level, you help me out with your blog entries. And I’m sure I’m not the only one…
May 1st, 2006 at 7:02 am
Sounds like you have a case of the ‘mean reds’. It’s like the blues only edgier. It’s even more frustrating when you can’t quite put your finger on what the cause is. I believe that life is just a series of lessons. Some are easy. Some are difficult. Once we get the lesson, then we move on to the next. Easy for me to say, I know, but this mood will pass and the phase you’re in will brighten up a bit with a little time. I’m keeping good thoughts for you.
May 1st, 2006 at 7:50 am
Irritability is certainly one indicator of underlying depression (mild, moderate or otherwise)…I have plenty of friends who get that way this time of year simply because of the change in seasons. There is defintely a connection between mood and the sun’s position to the earth. Don’t know if that provides anything…but take it for what it’s worth. In the meantime I am sending good thoughts and wishes for a happier Tony!
May 1st, 2006 at 9:28 am
Sad,sensitive and restlessness are not necessarily negative emotions. Caregivers frequently experience a kind of fatigue or burnout. Is there someone you trust to care for Granny while you take a weekend away? Maybe your brother? Sometimes a change of perspective can shed new light on a situation that has become too familiar.
May 1st, 2006 at 5:40 pm
The month of May is hard for me too.
My mothers’s birthday was in May, and I had quite a different relationship with my mom, than my brothers & sisters (almost like I lived in a different house) so I dont really have anyone to share my feelings with…
They don’t miss her like I do.
Anyway just wanted to send you some good thoughts…
May 1st, 2006 at 6:12 pm
Tony, sometimes just talking through it is a good start. You’ve done that with your blog. If you ever want someone to listen more, feel free to send an email my way. Always willing to listen.
May 2nd, 2006 at 11:15 am
I imagine that sometimes, always being reasonable, balanced and decent is just plain tiring.
Thumping something, rhetorically or otherwise, can be tempting and quite cathartic.
A bloody nose (provided it’s just your own… but it never is) is a simple thing to deal with.
Maybe a bit of chaos and anarchy serves a purpose after constant self-discipline and responsibility?
You had the choice to vent with the insult guy. You don’t normally. Doesn’t matter if your reaction wasn’t really about him or it. For once someone else had to ‘deal.’ I can see the point.
But you have to work with this guy and, as someone once said, “don’t shit where you eat.”
Now find that cat, and kick it!
May 2nd, 2006 at 11:24 am
…actually yes, you probably do need a shag.
May 6th, 2006 at 10:49 am
Thanks for opening up and sharing this. Do you have people in your life you can vent to when times get like this? It’s probably something dealing with your mother and could also be something dealing with your granny. My godmother has Alzheimer’s and keeps asking me if I have a ring on my left hand yet. Twenty times. In the course of a 2 hour family dinner. Yes it gets annoying and I can understand why her husband snaps at her like he does - he has to live with it constantly. So, I understand why you went off, but there is probably another reason why you’re so aggressive lately. Sit with it and run through what you think it is. You’ll find it. But like Jamie said, talking IS a good start. Hope you find out what it is.
May 9th, 2006 at 6:11 pm
u know just what the problem is here bud, cause u r damn smart. you need a real, true and deep relationship. Someone to share your life with. You need the person in your life who makes your life whole. and it aint granny. Dont keep putting it off until granny dies. what if she doesnt go until you are 40 or 50? Remember only you can solve the problem. trust me on this bud, its what makes the world go round.