LARGETONY Blog

I have a feeling that I’m going to get laid in the near future. And let me tell you, it is none too soon. The last time I offered up a hands-free prostate exam was not long after I started this blog. So, I’m ready. Besides the fact that the weather is warming up and I’m starting to get the Springtime hornies, I’m getting the feeling that those mounds of mountains on I keep visualizing on the horizon are going to turn out to be a pair of nice meaty mounds for mounting. I say this because of the number of times I have had a thought of or had conversation about comdoms in the last week or so.

It started with me cleaning out my wallet last week. (Spring cleaning should include your back pocket, too.) I know it’s sort of high school, but I always keep a condom in my wallet. It’s not so much about making sure I don’t get caught in the heat of the moment with one. I mean, when it’s guy on guy, in most cases one of you will always have one available. For me, it’s more about making sure I don’t get caught in the heat of the moment without one that fits.

It’s happened before. I was without one of my own, so my friend of the moment offered one from his stash. I admire a good scout for being prepared, but what’s a scout going to do when he sets a trap for a bobcat and catches a mountain lion? We could have run out to the store and picked up a 3-pak, but by that time the mood would have been lost. So, Troop Tony had to cancel the spelunking excursion. Afterall, you know what they say, “If the glove don’t fit, you must quit.”

In this particular instance that I am talking about, the guy I was with got pissed off at me for not having brought along suitable covering. His argument was that he had no way of knowing what to expect. I guess that’s true. I should have been ready. But just because someone didn’t know a yacht was behind the the door in the Showcase Showdown on “The Price Is Right.” they shouldn’t expect Bob to provide them with the boat slip? Especially if that’s the prize they were hoping for. Sorry, but if you’re a size queen, I think you have at least some responsibilty to suiting up the fullback for the big game.

But, when you go buying for someone else, understand that there’s a difference in a Big Mac and Whopper. Both are quite filling, but you can’t wrap them in the same package. I was talking with a friend about condom comparisons the other day, and he said I was sort of a connoisseur. That’s really not true. I don’t know about a whole lot of different condoms. I know about big condoms and bigger ones. The Big Macs and Whoppers.

If I can sidebar for a moment, here’s a quick primer. There are sort of “Three Kings” of large sized condoms. There are Trojan Magnums which is good for general bigness. But some guys have “special needs.” If you’re big and long, go for the Durex XL. It’s actually the biggest condom made. If you’re big and thick, then there’s the Trojan’s latest, the Magnum XL. Not as long as the Durex XL, but the widest condom made. If everytime you wear a condom, you feel like you’re having your blood pressure checked, then this is the glove for you. Trust me on this one.

So, anyway, I was getting all the extra junk out of my wallet, and I realized that the pocket reserved for my glock socks was empty. Then I remembered why. I’ll tell you something a little weird about me. I have a (probably) unhealthy paranoia about condoms getting old and therefore becoming more likely to break. I think it comes from an overwhelming fear I had of becoming a father when I was younger. So, like the cans of peas at the grocery store, I tend to rotate the stock. I bought a new wallet last fall and decided to replace the old rubber from the old wallet with a new one, but I never got around to it, so instead of rotating, I was simply out of stock (and instead of peas it was sausage casings).

I was running around this past weekend with my best friend, “J,” and we were at a drug store, so I figured I’d pick up a new box of rations. He knew I already had some in the glove box of my truck, so he gave me grief about wasting perfectly good (in his opinion) condoms. Maybe he has a point, butmy blood flow needs complete confidence in security before making a pubic appearance. I guess I could donate them to some support group for the endowed and needy. I mean, I’m not going to use them and it’s not like I can toss them in a recycling bin. Sure, with paper you can help save the forests. But as far as condoms, I’m afraid it’s “Whoops, there goes another rubber tree.”
So, when we went to checkout, he didn’t want to go through the same lane with me because I was buying condoms. As I have mentioned before, “J,” is straight, but he knows my story and is completely cool about it. But he was afraid that if we went through the line together with condoms, it would look like we were about to go somewhere and get down. It was all pretty funny because he didn’t care if somebody thought we were a couple. He was concerned that if I was the one buying, it would look like he was the one getting drilled. I laughed at him because I know he was using his straight-guy logic (which is what he would would use, naturally) that says that the “guy” in the relationship would be the one buying.

So, I told him, “Fine. You buy them.” His paranoia about that was probably just as odd to me as my paranoia was to him. Plus, it didn’t bother me too much what the clerk would think cause a lot of time they get weird when you’re buying rubbers, anyway. There are those who are jaded old pros that just run everything through the scanner without even thinking about what you’re buying. Then there are those who realize you have rubbers and are afraid to look you in the eye. The best, though, are the clerks who pick up on the fact that you’re getting big boy condoms and almost always react in one of three ways:

1. When they see the box with the big “XL” on them, their eyebrows jump up to their hair line and you can see the wheels turning in their brains, but the won’t look at you. They just think and wonder…and wonder…
2. They take the first reaction a step further, by keeping their eyes low as they covertly (so they think) check out your stuff and wonder…and wonder… (It’s times like this that I’m glad that if I stand close enough to the counter, I am often tall enough to “absent-mindedly” rest my package on it when I’m feeling ornery. Plus, it solves a lot of the wondering.)
3. Or they make eye contact and hold you in their gaze with a smirk that says either “well, well, well…” or “when, when, when…?” There is no wondering in this case….they know.

“J” was getting a variation on #3 and I could see his pride start to balloon a bit. He and I never miss an opportunity to give each other a smack down, so while he was grinning at the girl who was feeling impressed, I leaned in and said to him, “You sure these are gonna go on me? You know what happened last time.” He gave me a quick “eat shit” look and tried (and failed) to save face with the checkout girl. I didn’t just pop that balloon. It fucking exploded! He told her, “Just ignore him. It ain’t like that.” Whatever she thought about it all, she was a good sport and sort of giggled.

Now I’m all stocked up so I won’t get caught with my pants down…with my pants down. I’m ready. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but just like Spring, it’s in the air. (Several inches in the air in fact. ) And you know what they say….”April showers…wear your rubbers.”

P.S…A big thanks to RJ for the graphic. I asked him to make a picture that looked like the “T” logo (Yes, it’s a “T”, people) was on a condom box. He went way better with and used wrappers. Very cool.

This entry was posted on Thursday, March 30th, 2006 at 3:17 am and is filed under dating and sex, observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.