LARGETONY Blog

So, I have been obsessing about this post for a couple of days. You see, I use WordPress for this blog (I highly recommend it, by the way. But then, I have never used anything else, so I don’t really have anything to compare it to. Sort of like how some of you fellas probably think seven is fine, ’til you get opened up with a nice thick nine. ). Anyway, I use WordPress, and it keeps track of how many entries I have posted (and how many comments). And this post right here happens to be post number 200. In a way that’s remarkable (I actually wrote 200 posts!) but then it’s not so remarkable because if I was a good blogger and posted every day in the year and a half since I started, I would be up to about post number 572. If I was a gigolo, it wouldn’t be so good getting it up only 35% of the time. But I’m a glass half full kind of guy so I prefer to think of it like being a baseball player with a .350 batting average. That ain’t too shabby.

Because it’s post number 200, I wanted it to be a memorable post. And that’s why I have been obsessing. I have some things I have been wanting to write about, but I didn’t want to waste a benchmark post on them. Even with all of the obsessing, I still haven’t come up with anything special. I thought about doing an audio post for the first time. But, I’d still need something to talk about and it’s a lot easier for me to write stuff than say it.

Of course, the reason I have only done 200 posts in 572 chances is because I have never tried to force anything out. I just write when I have something to say. So, why am trying to force a special post? It’s not like I’m a TV show and need to do a “very special” episode or a reunion movie. I never understood why TV shows would depart from what they normally do. Seems like you would want to just keep doing what works. Besides, those “very special” episodes are so special that they just crack me up.

You ever seen that grown-up Brady Bunch Christmas special where Mr. Brady gets trapped in the rubble of a collapsed building? Mrs. Brady and the their kids and their wives and husbands (and kids) are all at the construction site standing in stunned silence, and then just out of the blue she starts singing “O Holy Night.” Now, somebody tell me what it is about your husband being buried alive that makes you think of “Oh, Holy Night?” But then, I guess “Danny Boy” is probably not the most optimistic or Christmas-y choice.

So, she’s singing her heart out, the kids are giving each each other supportive squeezes on the arms (supportive squeezes are the meat and potatoes of very special episodes) and there is a shift in the rubble. Gravel begins to roll away from the blocked passage. Mrs. Brady’s singing gets stronger. “FAAAAAAALL ON YOUR KNEEEEEEEEES…” More debris gives away. From inside, someone is digging his way out. “OH HEEEEEEAR THE ANGEL VOICES…” The supportive squeezes become honest to goodness clutches as Mr. Brady emerges from the destruction. It’s a Christmas miracle! Mrs. Brady’s singing drove Mr. Brady to dig himself out with his bare hands and tell her, “For God’s sake Carol, STOP singing!” Okay, it didn’t end that way. That’s just what I hope for everytime I see it. That’s the way it would be if it was my very special episode.

So, in honor of the 200th post, I’ll just think of this blog as a sitcom, and this post is a very special episode of “That Feller” (I do live in the South.) The network probably wouldn’t allow the show to be called “LargeTony” because of what the name implies. Except maybe FOX. They would probably be okay with it. The main character, Tony, a 30-ish hard-working gay man whose simple life (that title was all ready taken, damn you Paris Hilton) is enriched by living vicariously through blogging and his blogger friends, will be played by an actor named Eric Balfour. Somebody told me once that if a movie was ever made of my life, I should be played by him. So, naturally, he will play me in the sitcom. We sort of look alike: dark coloring, big nose, goatee. But he’s prettier, which is they way it is with Hollywood. The actor is always better looking than the person they are playing.

“Very special” episodes of sitcoms always involve one or more of the following elements: a trip somewhere, a birth or a wedding, a potential tragedy, the rescuing of someone or something, a musical number, a celebrity cameo, and always a lesson learned. (Yes. I watch too much TV). Tonight on a very special one-hour “That Feller,” there will be all that, and perhaps even more. This is the way it is listed in TV Guide:

9:00 PM CBS

“THAT FELLER”

When a major earthquake hits San Francisco, Tony (Eric Balfour) leaves the comfort of East Tennessee to volunteer as a laborer for Habitat for Homos, a foundation created by Chad Fox (motto: “a cock(tail) in every fist!”) to rebuild gay clubs. But when it’s discovered that the accountant has embezzled money from the organization, Chad (Eric McCormack) and Tony enter a local talent show in hopes of winning the $50,000 prize. Complications arise on the way to the event, but the boys are saved from grid-lock traffic when Moby (Christopher Meloni) allows them to hitch a ride in an emergency vehicle. Tony and Chad rehearse their act (an impersonation of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez singing a duet from the Broadway musical “Cats, On A Hot Tin Roof”) in the back of the ambulance, but when they and Moby are faced with helping a homeless non-English-speaking bag lady (a stirring cameo by Zsa Zsa Gabor) deliver quintuplets, all thoughts of the contest go out the window. As a token of thanks, she gives them an old chamber pot that, after cleaning and sterilaztion, turns out to be a stolen piece of valuable pottery created by Knottyboy (Christopher Sieber),who is offering a $50,000 reward. Even though it helps save the foundation, they all learn that money isn’t everything, as well as the true meaning of the Baby Jesus.
PG-13, 1 hour

Thanks for tuning in. Join us next time for more of “That Feller.” Ya’ll come back now, ya hear?

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 25th, 2006 at 11:57 pm and is filed under blogging, humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.