It’s Not Easy
Want to know a secret about me? Of course you do. That’s one of the things that people love about blogs…the chance to rattle around with the skeletons in people’s closets. And there’s something about blogs that seem to cause us who write them to sometimes let our guard down and turn on the closet light.
I think you all know that for the most part, I try to be a pretty decent guy and try to carry myself in a way I can be proud of. Well, there is one thing about me that I can’t say that I am particularly proud of. Because it’s not a particularly good trait to have. You see, I’m the jealous type.
I’m not the covetous type of jealous. I don’t want something just because someone else has it. I’m not the envious type of jealous. I don’t feel cheated because somebody had an opportunity I didn’t. My jealousy is the type that comes from fear of losing affection to someone else. You know the guy who gets bent out of shape because he thinks someone is making a move on his squeeze? That’s me. You know the guy who keeps an arm around his date all night when their are out in a crowd? That’s me.
Most people are unaware of this part of me, because I can keep it pretty subtle. I may get bent out of shape, but I’ll just hold those ugly feelings inside until they fade away. And that arm around my guy. Hey, that’s just affection, right? Well, yeah, but not entirely. Underneath the skin, sometimes there’s a deep deep green coursing through my veins.
Recently, I found out that somebody I sort of like, sort of likes somebody else (geez, am I a thirty year old man or a fourteen year old girl?). It knocked the wind out of my sails a little bit. I don’t know why, because deep down I know that I’m not what he needs. I also know that it’s not going to change a thing between us. Actually I’m very happy for him. Because, that someone else seems to make him very, very happy. And he deserves some happiness.
I was not always so level-headed. I remember once in high school when I almost went too far. At a basketball game I saw a dude sitting in the stands with a girl I was fucking around with at the time. I let the fact that he was hanging with her take my head so far out of the game that I fouled myself out. Then with nothing to do but sit on the bench, they held my complete attention, and I worked myself into knots. She met me after the game, like she always did, and I took her home where we would usually at least sit on her couch and swallow each other’s faces (if not more) until I had to get home. myself. But, that night was different. That night, I just dropped her off, said my good nights, and headed straight for the dude’s house to “have a talk.” When he answered the door, I really felt like I wanted to ball up my fist and just drop him. But, while I may have violent thoughts, I have never been one to act on them, except in defense. So I just got real close, looked him in the eye, and said, “You make sure I don’t have to drop in on you again. Okay?”
That’s probably as extreme as I ever got with letting my jealous nature control my actions. But I was a kid then, too. As embarressing as it is to tell you how stupidly I behaved, it’s just as embarressing to admit that, as an adult, I still feel the pangs of jealousy. It’s embarressing because I know that jealousy is just a result of insecurities. I wish I could say that now that I’m a grown man that I have conquered insecurities, but if you have been reading this blog for any length of time, you know that’s a battle that’s going to last longer than the one in Iraq.
Well…I think Kermit said it best.
March 17th, 2006 at 6:36 am
Actually… on some mildly shameful level, my inner tramp finds that rather hot…
Slip me into a burkha and lock me away in the attic but kiss me you big old-fashioned lug!
Happy weekend!
March 17th, 2006 at 6:40 am
Just goes to prove my theory - life is just an extension of high school.
March 17th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
My bf gave me some really good advice…………..jealousy is a waste of energy. People are going to do what they want regardless.
Yes, I too used to be that way, but I have learned to control it and let it slide off. I think it is part of use projecting our insecurities on someone that has never given us a reason to not trust them.
Just my .02 in my rapidly expanding old age.
March 17th, 2006 at 7:25 pm
I’ve never had a boyfriend/partner/significant other that outwardly showed any type of possessiveness or jealousy. Personally, I think it would be pretty attractive once in a while.
March 17th, 2006 at 8:03 pm
Tony. it only makes me respect you more. Admitting ones shortcomings is never easy especially on your blog.
I used to get the same type of jealousy when I was younger. And, you are right, it stems from within. The point is you do recognize and work on it. That is more of an accomplishment than you realize.
Remember you have a lot to offer a prospective partner and not just in the physical.
If we were closer I’d give you a run for your money. *wink*
March 17th, 2006 at 8:53 pm
While jealously is not a good thing, I can understand your position. There are not so many available guys out where you live. One could feel kind of despirate under those circumstances. You have found one you ’sort of like’, and you mean to keep him. Are you sure he is lost to you just because he ’sort of likes’ someone else? Why are you not good for him? It is difficult to tell from your post. But I trust your judgement, I just can’t stand to think of you alone. BTW - it is tough to picture you as a 14 year old girl.
March 18th, 2006 at 6:29 am
Sometimes this sort of thing can be hard to come by. Im sure to it’s extreme, it can be a bad thing. But, I don’t see it as such. I think it’s a good thing. Like Curtis said it can be attractive once in awhile, knowing that your man feels that way towards you or others. Some don’t seem to take that much pride, if that would be the right word to use. In having a boyfriend and putting claim to him anymore. So many have open relationships that people don’t even hesitate anymore when knowing someone has a boyfriend. First thing through their mind is… hmm wonder if they do three ways? Not, oh I better leave well enough along he is taken.
Their seems to be no value or respect on that level. A bit of the jealousy you speak of is refreshing, flattering, and encouraging. I detect a bit of chivalry. Which is always a good quality.
I’ll admit, I felt a little green myself reading this post.
March 18th, 2006 at 7:00 am
I have the same type of jealousies. It’s a filthy way to feel. I’ve always been aware of it and always hated it. Until I quit drinking 2+ years ago, I had no chance of making any corrections to those feelings or behavior. Today, I have a choice because I’m sober. That’s one of the great benefits of recovering from alcoholism.
March 18th, 2006 at 10:20 am
Believe me, there is nothing romantic about jealousy.Having a possesive partner can sometimes create problems.If the relationship is truly a fit, it doesn’t need to be forced.A popular partner can become a posession rather than a person.
March 18th, 2006 at 7:32 pm
Just fall for me and be done with all those other guys ! Nobody loves you like I do. And I have lots of money to prove it !
I can only imagine how nice it would be to have a hot stud like you being jealous over me. That would be most excellent !
March 19th, 2006 at 3:22 pm
I agree that jealousy sometimes comes from a feeling that you are losing something that you own, or want. However, does anyone really own another person? Even a good hustler is only rented for a limited time period. Still further, do you ever get everything you ever wanted? It’s not nice to be owned, it’s sometimes great to be wanted, but it is best to just be you and share what you wish to offer with others and that accept you as you are.
March 19th, 2006 at 10:39 pm
Yay! You can admit to a fault. You can recognize a fault and dislike it. Yay, you’re on your way to “recovering” from the fault! I’m happy to see this.
See, when you’re jealous like that (as has been said) you’re trying to “own” someone and “control” them to make them your own instead of trying to let them be who they are and develop that way. This is something I’m learning to do with the guy I mentioned to you earlier. (I think he’s just not that into me, but I want to know when he was considering me worth being into.)
I would encourage you to just keep an eye out for your actions. I think it’s sweet that you’re willing to be affectionate with things like an arm around your man, but stop there. Work on the jealousy thing. Honestly, it’s best to nip it now before you get into a relationship where your jealousy starts to take over the other person’s freedom to be themselves with you in a relationship.
Finally, change isn’t easy. It’s difficult for things like this and it takes many attempts to get it right. The good thing to know is that change is what champions do. Every Olympian had to change and it wasn’t easy for them. It took them many tries to get it just right. After winning the gold, they’ll tell you that every day they have to change for the better. It’s a constant process, but it’s better to be a butterfly in the end than a caterpillar trying to eat a leaf while wallowing in the dirt. {{{{HUG}}}}
I’m glad you’re happy for him. That’s big of you. Like I told you, size matters. (Get the album, man!)
March 22nd, 2006 at 12:58 am
“because deep down I know that I’m not what he needs” - OK I know that you are being open and honest but when I read that line and then re-read it, I couldn’t help but think that you are selling yourself a little short (rolls eyes at unintentional pun and moves on)
Let him make that determination man! Now of course I could be way out of whack since I don’t know anything other than what you have written but just roll with me for a second longer… what if you are the kindof guy who could make him happy? Say you are - what makes you think that a man would actually be that direct and obvious (since in my experience most men are anything but direct and obvious when it comes to the more ’sensitive’ feelings) and show you how he feels? I dunno - knowing how I am (a tad on the self-protectionist side when it comes to my feelings or getting hurt - even potentially) I used to think the same way - but then I met my Boo who didn’t react the way I needed him to (put up a billboard on the highway saying I LOVE YOU - YOU MAKE ME HAPPY) but every once in a while showed me (when I wasn’t expecting it) that yes, someone like me and in fact me personally could make him happy.
Sorry that came off like a psych lecture - but you seem like a genuine guy with feelings and a sensitive side + that other thing, but really I think that goes a lot further than you’d think. Don’t let the guy get away if you still like him!
My $.02 - sorry for war and peace, I’m supposed to be doing a paper but procrastination has set in!
March 22nd, 2006 at 6:44 am
Hmmm… you know, I think I’m the same kind of jealous guy. I really feel comforted in knowing that my guy is “with me” when we’re out and about.. and yeah, I like to keep a lot of physical contact whenever I’m out that the bars or somewhere public like that.. partly because I just love to cuddle.. but another part of me wants to make sure that the hottie next to me is taken… it might seem a bit selfish at times, but there have been a few times where I got burnt that way.. where someone lost interest in me and was only looking for the next best thing… so yeah, I’ll admit too that there is a bit of insecurity in me on that part…
Although 9 times out of 10, like you, I’ll keep my jealous feelings inside until they fade away, because I know that on the one hand it’s stupid to get jealous that way.. but yet, the huge romantic in me does get jealous regardless… ugh… oh well, at least you know you’re not the only one going through this
March 23rd, 2006 at 12:56 pm
Wow, it’s nice to know that someone has the balls to blog about insecurities also. A lot of people out there get jealous, but hardly anyone acknowledges it about themselves.