Sins of the Father
You ever heard that quote, “the sins of the fathers will be visted on the sons?” I think it’s from the bible, but I’m not sure. But it’s basically a theory that the generations to follow will pay for the bad things you do now. Sort of a curse. I was thinking about something similar ther other day: the idea that the problems or grief you create for your parents may come back to haunt you when you have kids of your own. Specifically, in regards to my own family.
There’s really no sin involved, and it’s the mothers rather than the fathers, but there seems to be a pattern when it comes to choosing a man. The pattern is one of disapproval by the parent.
I don’t know the story of my great-grandparents (Granny’s mother and father). I never knew them, so I have no idea whether their marriage was blessed by their parents. But I do know that it was an issue for them when Granny married Grandaddy. Granny grew up in one of the wealthy areas of Atlanta, Georgia. She was an actual debutante and was groomed for going to college, not so much for a degree, but for the purpose of finding young man from another respectable family to marry. She got the degree and found a young man, but he was not, by my great-grandparents standards, exactly respectable…let alone his family.
My mother’s parents met in the 1930’s. Granny was a smart college girl, and Grandaddy was a backwoods hick who ran moonshine, delivering hooch in the east Tennessee and north Georgia area. Grandaddy, who I am named after, was well-known and popular with the fraternity crowd, even though he hadn’t gone to college, himself. Granny says he was very charming and everybody liked him because he could make you laugh, and girls liked him because he was a good dancer. My great-grandparents weren’t charmed as easy as everybody else, and when Granny started going out with Grandaddy (who was eleven years older) they shit enough bricks to build a library.
It created a lot of tension, but they (great-grandparents) figured that once Granny graduated, it would all be over and done with. In a way they were right. Because, after college, Granny went against their wishes (demands) and married Granddaddy. Consequently, what was over and done with was her relationship with her parents. I don’t think it was a situation of where they never talked again, or anything like that. But there was a definite strain, and I do know that Granny never received anything from their estate.
Now, you’d think that Granny could appreciate from her own experience that you can’t always fall in love with who your family wants or hopes that you will. But that didn’t stop her from trying to stop the relationship between my mother and father. I don’t have as much detail on this because my neither of my parents are here to tell me about it. I have tried to get some specifics out of Granny, but when I ask her, she sort of puts me off, saying “He was your Daddy and I’m not going to talk against him.” But she will admit that she and Granddaddy were none too happy about it and that my father “like the girls too much.”
So, I’m guessing my father couldn’t keep it in his pants and my grandparents were concerned that he was too much of a wolf and my mother, who was apparently nuts about him, would be thought of as just one of the flock. I have heard stories that my father was the king shit before he got lost in the bottle, but I don’t have any evidence of my father making time with anyone other than my mother. Of course, I was a kid and when you’re that young you don’t always know about stuff like that. I got old enough to know that my parent’s marriage wasn’t a happy one. But I have always been of the feeling that was more a matter of my father’s alcoholism than his womanizing. Then again, my brother grew up to become fierce ladies’ man and he must of gotten that trait from somewhere. “Sins of the father…” Ya know?
So, Granny picks the wrong guy and it turns into dozens of glorious years together. My mother picks the wrong guy and it turns into a dozen less than glorious ones. What was to happen when the cycle came round to me? I mean, even though I am not a woman, I would end up picking a guy. Would I, like my mother and grandmother, pick the wrong guy and face disapproval from my parents?
My mother and father have been gone almost 16 and 13 years, respectively. So, that’s a question I’ll never be able to answer for certain. But I’m pretty sure that the probabilty for disapproval would have been pretty high. No matter what guy I pick, it would be the wrong one. Simply because it’s a guy….A sin that, most likely in their minds, would have been the greatest sin of all.
I used to feel relief that circumstances allowed me to avoid that confrontation. But I’m also finding that the older I get, the more sorry I am that circumstances have denied me the chance to to remind my parents of what it was like for them.
If there ever comes a time that I am faced with a similar challenge with a child of my own (highly unlikely, I know) I hope that he or she won’t have to remind me. Because, if I forget that that love is never wrong, then that will truly be the greatest sin of all.
March 16th, 2006 at 4:06 am
My father would not have been someone my grandparents would have picked as my mother was deaf and they were over-protective. But through time, they accepted him. My mother has been gone 22 years. I came out to my father and he was displeased/angry/upset et al. with me being gay and the person I had been hiding for 3 years. In time, he accepted me. My relationship ended and my father was diagnosed with cancer. I dated someone for a year during his 3 year fight. He never accepted him but in the end, accepted me. He has been gone a year and a half. I am sure my grandparents would have disapproved of me- as their generation usually does. I cannot imagine the hurdles you must face being southern.
I have always wondered what my mother would have thought.
But in the grand scheme of things, her death saved me the fear of disappointment.
Does your Granny know?
As always, your thoughts push me to think (and admire you for sharing so deeply).
March 16th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
Interesting that the cycle you’ve picked is about approval/ disapproval. In the end I think there are many cycles that repeat through generations, but that we focus on the ones that are most relevent to our current lives. You, my friend, are an amazing man, and I truly doubt that you will pass the cycle forward.
March 16th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
If you do pick the wrong guy. At least you will have dozens of glorious years together.
At least that’s what I always hope for.
March 16th, 2006 at 6:43 pm
Although my relationship with my mother is a fairly good one, the fact that I never married a woman and propagated the family DNA is a huge disappointment to her. That coupled with her opinion that same sex couples don’t deserve equal rights has put a never ending strain on our relationship. As for my biological father – well, he left when I was 10 and that was just fine by me. The good thing is that I won’t perpetuate mental, physical, or sexual abuse onto any child and that’s got to be a good thing. Still, sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to be a daddy.
As for you, I firmly believe that when the time is right, you’re going to make some lucky guy the happiest man on earth and he’s going to do the same for you.
March 16th, 2006 at 10:10 pm
loved this entry Tony! Makes me think of my own family. I’m into family stories.
March 16th, 2006 at 10:20 pm
That was a wonderful family story Tony and I enjoyed it. But forget all that; it was in the past and doesn’t apply to your life now or in the future. Peering into my crystal ball, I see you and your gorgeous hunk of a lover with your sweet adorable little baby, raising him/her to truly know the love of a family. At least that’s what is in my crystal ball…
March 22nd, 2006 at 4:52 pm
Since your parents aren’t around to give or withhold their blessing - you are off the hook.