Having My Fruitcake And Eating It, Too
Don’t you hate it when, even though you want to be like everybody else, you come to some realization about yourself that makes you just like everybody else and you hate yourself for it?
I’m sort of there with myself right now. Every year, my job has a company Christmas party/dinner. Every year everyone brings their wives and girlfriends. Every year I wish I could be just like everyone else and bring a husband or boyfriend. I know that many of you probably don’t understand why I just don’t just go ahead and do it, but that’s something I could go on about forever. I think even the most open and out of all of you can appreciate that there are certain situations where it just wouldn’t fly. My company Christmas party is one of those situations. But that’s not what I’m here to write about today.
Something else that happens every year is that the girl, “H”, who works in the contractor’s office asks me to go to the party with her. And every year I agree to. But I always do it with the understanding that we are going as friends. Deep down I know that’s probably a wrong thing to do because she has a crush on me. It’s also probably wrong because everyone at work thinks I’m banging her anyway. (But that is something they created all on their own. I always deny that we are involved in sex.) But, still, I know what they think and how she feels, so it’s really not something I should be doing.
I don’t do it out of fear someone will figure something out. If that was the case then I wouldn’t deny any rumors of our love affair. I’d just roll with it. I do it out of loneliness, I guess. I just don’t want to be the only person at the party alone. I know there are other singles there, but you can’t help but feel like you’re the only one. It seems like everyone else is paired up. I just want to be like everyone else.
Well, I found out today that this year “H” is going to the party with someone else. One of the other guys on the crew asked her and she accepted. If I was a normal, well-adjusted person (unlike everyone else) I would be thrilled that she finally has an interest in someone else, and be happy for her that she has a date. But, instead, I let it hurt my feelings. Even though I ultimately don’t want to go to the party with her, I wanted to be asked.
And that’s just ridiculous of me. Why should I expect her to invite me year after year to go as “friends”? I told a buddy about it and he said “Tony, she’s probably tired of getting rejected.” And he’s right. She wants more than friends, so drawing a line is basically a form of rejection. I’m selfishly more concerned about my own “rejection” than hers. I would like to say that recognizing my irrational feelings would make them disappear. But the truth is, it doesn’t. It may lessen them, but I can’t give myself the “all clear.”
And that is why I’m ashamed to say that I am just like everybody else. I want to have my cake and eat it, too. But, since it’s Christmas, it would have to be fruitcake. Which serves me right. I hate that shit.
December 21st, 2005 at 3:55 am
You got use to it is all. But, you got what you wanted eventually. But now that it’s happened, you feel differently than what you thought you would. Perhaps next year will be different. I see nothing wrong with going by yourself though. But, I can relate to what you are talking about. I actually took my mother to Company Christmas parties. Eventhough I could have taken a boyfriend. My last ex didn’t see it that way. He actually took me to his company christmas parties.
December 21st, 2005 at 4:41 am
yeah, it’s really hateful when someone comes along and takes something you didn’t really want that much anyway, but it was yours. or at least you thought it was. or that it should be…but hell, tony, maybe now that h has taken a shot at actually getting what she wants, perhaps that will free you up to take a step in the same direction.
December 21st, 2005 at 7:26 am
Actually, yes, you’re right, that’s just ridiculous of you…
As funny old Jung said;
“Neuroses are a substitute for legitimate suffering.”
December 21st, 2005 at 1:27 pm
You’re human, that’s all. AS for the fruitcake, ewww… I saw one being used as a doorstop because it was so old and hard. I think one cake could survive a nuclear holocaust.
December 21st, 2005 at 2:58 pm
We don’t attend my holiday party……Working for law enforcement it gets kinda hard to go to a party full of Republicans. We went one year and I really got a kick out of shocking a few of the more homophobic ones. But now its like why spend the money($22/person plus drinks), if we’re not going to have a good time.
You’re a good guy Tony, but……..sometimes we can’t always get what we want.
We’re actually skipping Christmas this year. We spent so much renovating the house (windows, siding, roof, doors) that to go out and spend money we don’t have doesn’t make sense.
Cheers Buddy!
Tonka
December 21st, 2005 at 8:44 pm
By writing about it, those feelings will dissipate. In recovery, that’s what we’re taught to do.
You can now just move on. Hopefully, not to the next girl. Unless, she wears a jock strap.
December 22nd, 2005 at 2:24 am
I took my partner to our holiday dinner thins year for the first time. My boss and his wife knows about us, however those in my department do not (well it was rumored but not confirmed) so it was a tough thing to do but I have no regrets.
I hear what you are saying and I felt that way somewhat when my X-wife remarried. I felt hurt even though I am in a 4 yr relationship. It is human to feel those feelings. Time will heal the wound though.
December 22nd, 2005 at 2:34 am
Tony, first of all, you know I respect you as a writer and for putting it out there for us to read. That said, hang in there. You’re maturing, just like that young guy you wrote about earlier. We all have our own timetable–myself, as well. I’m not as out as I should/would like to be, but at my age, I’m comfortable with it. Take care of your self, keep a positive attitude about your feelings about men and it will work out. Have a good Christmas and don’t worry about the folks at work. They really don’t matter, You do.
December 22nd, 2005 at 4:41 pm
Wanting to have a socially acceptable date to the company holiday party is a very normal desire. If you don’t have a significant other (for whom you might be willing to come out in that environment so he could be by your side), then having a single female co-worker to pair up with for that annual event is a huge blessing. So it’s normal to feel hurt when you discover it’s no longer an option.
I know you know it’s normal, and it’s the normalcy that you hate.
I get a similar feeling when I discover that two guys I think are hot have now met each other and are dating. I want to be happy for them, but the nerve of both of them to turn me down! Big ego blow. It’s another ego blow to realize how selfish I can be about something that has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Enjoy your pecan pancakes T.
December 23rd, 2005 at 8:01 am
Hey Tony…I had a friend like that in high school. He took me to every dance, we hung out, we were best friends. (I even dated his brother for about five years) But, then in our senior year he invited someone else to the prom. That hurt my feelings. I didn’t want him to keep…but he was mine…
I hope your Christmas is nice. And we’re all getting ready for a new year… ~Melissa
December 24th, 2005 at 9:26 am
Hey Tony, I told a friend that you have two ways to live, either out or closet at work. I used to think if this as black and white. But your work place doesn’t sound like the kind of place you want to be out at. I personally want to be out at work and not worry about anything but you have to look at it realitically and know when is good to be out and when is not. Just find you anohter friend and go with her. BTW keep up the great work on the blog
August 9th, 2006 at 2:08 pm
Tis the season for fruitcakes. Like those above, they’re usually light brown in color with red bits of cherry, a piece of a pecan or other nut here and there, and the occassional glimpse of green whatever-that-green-jelly-like-crap is they put in fruitcakes. Those cakes look harmless enough. But sometimes as a child, when Christmas neared, it became fruitcake season at my house. Grandma invaded our kitchen and for two to three days, batches of fruitcake batter were created so large that they were mixed with a canoe paddle (honest). Unlike the usual light brown fruitcakes in stores, these were nearly black; so dark that the cherries and nuts and green-thingies were only identifiable on close examination. Perhaps it was that the cakes were so dense that light had trouble escaping from their surface. In any event, unfortunate relatives were enlisted to come over and take shifts monitoring the oven around the clock until all of the fruitcakes were baked. Even less fortunate relatives received one of these cakes as their Christmas present. I was only a small lad when this was occurring, but I can recall that it was all so very necessary to make fruitcakes and that it took many bottles of whiskey to make them. I can still recall my grandma individually wrapping dozens of these great ten pound lumps of indigestion in layers of brown paper, then proudly inscribing the name and address of a distant relative on the paper and taking them to the post office. Perhaps it was the combination of my disdain for the awful taste of the cakes, or my tender years, but I always imagined Uncle Roger in California calling out to his wife, “Hey Bessie, come see. Somebody shit in the mailbox!”