Pining
You ever considered how picking out a Christmas tree has similarities to cruising for dick? There you are, checking out the ranks, on the hunt for that perfect specimen: a big, thick, sturdy one that you think just might hit the ceiling. Be careful how you handle it in your fists or your hands might get all sticky. You might even get the gunk on your clothes. It’s safer to use a glove. Next, you drag it home and pop a tight ring around it’s base. Then, next to a roaring fire you lay on your belly underneath it, and screw and screw and screw. You take a break, get it upright again, then screw and screw some more. Oh sure, it keeps you happy and satisfied for a while, but eventually the magic wears off and you toss it out and hunt for a different one next time. Even if it’s not a real one, you hide it away until you have use for it again.
Well, I went cruising for a tree tonight. It’s a little late for me this year. Even though Christmas is not a big splashy deal at my house (when there’s only two of you and one has lived almost nine decades, there’s not much call for an overblown holiday), the one thing I really do get into is the tree. It’s always been my thing.
When I was kid I was always the one to pick out the tree. It wasn’t like some family ritual to let the baby choose the tree. Please don’t imagine me as a bean-pole Cindy-Loo Who from “The Grinch.” It really made no difference to my father. His only interest and obligation to the tree was getting it standing. The pines and spruces didn’t hold much interest for my brother, either, until after Christmas when he would take it outside and see how fast he could a still partially green tree to burn. (No matter what you got for Christmas, no toy can excite a redneck kid like a book of matches.) My mother focused on the making it pretty, so (with her help) the selection fell to me. By the time I had come to live with my grandparents, they were happy to let a teenager handle the effort.
Over the years, I have gotten trees just about every way you can, besides growing your own or stealing one. There were trees bought at tree lots, trees bought at grocery stores, trees bought at nurseries, trees cut in the woods (okay, that might count as stealing because I’m not sure we always knew if it was on someone’s property), and trees from tree farms. But the one thing I have never had is a tree from a box. Never had an artificial tree. I don’t think I ever will.
I will admit that there are a lot of really beautiful fake trees out there. And a lot of people are switching to them because they are easier to put up and they don’t leave the trails of pine throughout the house. (Face it, after a few days in the house, a fresh cut tree is like having a long-haired cat that you decorated with tinsel and bells.) And as re-usable tree become more popular, the perishable kind gets more and more expensive. But I’ll paythe price, because fake Christmas trees also don’t leave the smells of pine throughout the house. And that is the best part of it for me.
I really don’t get all that into the decorating part. I mean, I enjoy it, but I’m not all that good at it. You won’t ever see one of my trees in Martha Stewart’s magazine. But decorating it is all part of producing that potent woodsy sweet smell of pine. It may be just something I create in my mind, but I swear that once the lights start giving off heat, it makes the smell stronger. You don’t have a nose as big as mine and not become a smell-oriented person.
When I brought my big boy home tonight, Granny lit up. She enjoys Christmas as much as I do, and although I’m sure she has been seeing holiday images and stuff on TV the last several weeks, I think seeing the tree made it really register that Christmas is coming. She sat and watched me, giving me advice on where to remove excess branches without ruining the shape. When I was cleaning up, she took a little sprig from the cuttings and put it in a glass of water. She told me she wanted to have the smell in her room, so she put the glass on her night table.
We didn’t decorate tonight. That’s probably gonna come on the weekend when I have more time. Besides, when you have a tree that’s been sitting out in the cold, it needs a good day or so to warm up so that the branches relax. Too many times I have decorated a cold tree, only to have the ornaments dumped on the floor as the limbs softened. But before the weekend, I’m gonna go by the tree lot and look for another fir (I like short needle trees. We always had long needle trees as a kid, but it was like trying to decorate Velcro). Granny’s sprig in the glass inspired me to surprise her with her own little tree for her room. Nothing big. Maybe three feet or so. And also like a dick, it doesn’t have to be a big one to be satisfying.
December 15th, 2005 at 2:48 am
I like the smell of a big sturdy one myself. A Tree. Not a man. Okay maybe the smell of a real big sturdy man is just as exciting. Been awhile since I had the pleasure of any of those smells.
I think my trees might be Martha Stewart magazine material. Okay, that sounds bad. I like lots of lights. At least 100 a foot of tree. All kinds of Balls, ribbon, beads, etc. A Nice topper too.
Maybe a nice big fleshy pink dildo as the star on top. LOL I’m kidding… Martha wouldn’t be pleased.
December 15th, 2005 at 3:17 am
I prefer mine au naturel, or close to that.
Just the lights, and (maybe) the star on top, but I definitely want to see the green. Too much decoration, and it’ll look like an old tranny
December 15th, 2005 at 8:58 am
Really funny and clever post! I never thought of how picking out a tree is like cruising for dick. LOL It brought back fond memories of x-mas past.
December 15th, 2005 at 7:05 pm
i’ve never understood fake trees. i mean, what’s the point? i like the old fashioned big pepper/penis shaped lights too. feh on these little pinpoint white lights.
December 15th, 2005 at 7:32 pm
We used to have two trees every year - a real tree in the family room for the family - and a white plastic tree for my mom -
My mom grew up in Arkansas - and was dirt poor - when she was a child - she saw a picture in a magazine while at a drugstore of some star’s house - it had a white tree with blue balls and a color wheel (it revolved through red green blue & yellow) She said that if she every got to be rich - she was going to have one of those trees -
My Dad bought it for her - the first Christmas they had together
December 15th, 2005 at 7:50 pm
We always had real trees growing up. I got so into it, that when I was in my last two years of high school, I worked on a tree farm(I got my first introduction to mansex at that tree farm too, but that’s another story). We even went back there 8 or so years after I graduated and brought home some trees that I had planted.
Now being on this coast, we went out to get trees our first couple of years and just weren’t happy with the selection available here. So I purchased a fake tree. Yeah its not the same, but I still have real garland and a real wreath on my door.
Thanks again for bringing back some fond memories.
December 15th, 2005 at 10:16 pm
have a great time decorating and try to include grandmother in putting up an ornament
December 16th, 2005 at 7:58 am
I put our tree up on Thanksgiving day to appease my son. I’m normally a really happy Christmas person. I can’t wait for the music, and the decorations and the bustle. But, this year, I’m just not into it. I guess maybe it’s because we are far from our families, and I miss my mom. It’s not real, but he doesn’t care. He just wants to see his decorations go on it. Like his Baby’s First Christmas, and the ones he’s made at school over the years. We had a real tree when we lived in an apartment with hardwood floors, but I can’t imagine trying to get needles up out of my rug. I guess that makes me sound kinda scroogy, huh?
December 16th, 2005 at 1:04 pm
Hmmm I never really thought of picking out a tree akin to cruising for sex… although then again, I do like my trees tall, thick, full, evenly proportioned and smelling good… Maybe there is a correlation there somewhere
This year’s tree tilts for some reason, and no matter how hard we try to make it stand straight up, it just won’t do it.. Oh well, it’s a tree with personality I say.. and besides, once the lights and ornaments are on it, you can’t tell anyway 
Now I feel so wrong putting an angel on the top of the tree hehehe *EG*
December 16th, 2005 at 5:51 pm
so what do the uncut penis trees look like?
December 16th, 2005 at 8:17 pm
Great story. I inherited my late grandmothers’ artificial trees. I put them up with their decorations-the same ones from when I was a kid. One tree is coated with 30 years of tinsel. I think they would have loved it. Have a great holiday. Great blog!
December 17th, 2005 at 10:12 pm
You are so sweet! Granny is lucky to have you with her. Happy decorating, Tony!
December 19th, 2005 at 12:02 am
Interesting analogy. I would have never thought about it quite like that but thanks to you I will never look at a tree the same way. You forgot one thing though, They can be VERY PRICK-ly!
Hope you put up some pics of it for us to enjoy!
December 19th, 2005 at 6:42 am
Many a true word and all that…
I eagerly ordered my nine-foot sturdy Norway Spruce rooted in a pot on the internet (how naive am I?) What they delivered was a threadbare five-foot Nordman fur on a stand…
Beware the net is all I can say… Will I ever learn?
It was like deja-vu all over again!
December 19th, 2005 at 7:00 am
…I can’t help but think that should have read ‘Fir”…?
There was an unexpected happy ending;
having turned away the imposter (that was a first,) I reordered from different company and my new big bushy tree was delivered by a big bushy man in a kilt!
I loitered shamelessly under the Miseltoe (regretting the lack of a Taser) but to no effect…
September 15th, 2007 at 2:34 pm
Christmas tree shopping will never be the same….thanks Di
February 26th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Good blog! I agree… besides the different types of Christmas trees that are sold it’s that whole online factor of buying trees. It somewhat takes away from a tradition of picking one out at a store.