The Dolly Lummox
I was feeling a little restless over the holiday weekend. Feeling like I needed to be around people. A couple of my close friends were tied up with other things, so I decided to go out on the town on my own to have some fun and put myself “out there” again. I never have been much of a bar person, but there was a period several years ago that I would go from time to time. I felt the need to revisit those days. Just like Barbara Streisand in the movie “Hello, Dolly.” Well, not just like that. I mean, it was Knoxville, not New York City. Instead of coming down a staircase in sparkly dress, I just walked in the front door in a fitted sweater and jeans. And there weren’t guys dancing around me in tuxedos. And that’s okay. Even with my efforts to be less of a wallflower, I think that if I walked into a room and suddenly all the attention turned to me, I would probably turn tail and run like hell. (Or if I came down the stairs in a sparkly dress all the men would run like hell).
You all know that I have been feeling a little better about myself the last few months. I’m not all into myself and stuff like that, but I guess I’m sort of growing into who I am. Still, the trouble with being someone who is shy by nature is that you spend your life working to blend into the crowd and when the time comes that you want to become a blip on the radar, you don’t quite know how to do it. I kept to my comfort zone at first by hanging out at the bar nursing a beer, but I did try to make eye contact with people and keep my body language open. I never know what to do with my hands other than hold my beer, so I didn’t do so well with keeping my hands out of my pockets. But at least it kept me from crossing my arms. Had it been a movie musical, I would not have had to worry about what to do with my hands. There would have been choreography. And I would have been the belle of the ball. But in reality I mostly stood there people-watching trying to get the nerve to do more than just nod hello to guys that passed by.
Apparently when I attempt to step outside my box I give off some vibe that says “Right now.” I don’t know what it is. It’s not like I’m standing around discretely “adjusting” my package in a not so discrete manner or locking eyes with some guy with an equally indiscreet wetting of my lips. I wasn’t even wearing my britches that say “all this and more.” But something makes people think I’m about getting laid. I say this because of one guy who passed by: A fellow named Eddie, who stopped to introduce himself and put a pretty hard move on me. I was wanting to lob a few pitches out there and see who hits it back, but Eddie was about the fast ball…literally, I think. Within five minutes, I found out he a) was looking b) had a place and c) was ready. Within six minutes he told me he didn’t have time to waste and was on to someone else. You’ve heard of “you snooze you, lose.” As far as Eddie was concerned, I was in a coma. That’s okay Mr. Hare, the tortoise will eventually win the race.
The next guy read me as “Right now and desperate,” because, although he took a little more time than Eddie, he still was getting down to the meat of things when he told me , “I promise you you won’t be disappointed and I’ll make you a deal you can’t refuse.” A hustler. Great. I just want to meet somebody cool and I’m a target for nyphos and whores.
After that, being the Cancer that I am, pretty much withdrew back into my shell until I could finish my beer and go home. They say that third time’s a charm, and when bachelor number three approached things got a little better. Technically he didn’t actually approach me. He was getting a drink at the bar and struck up conversation while he waited. “You don’t look like you’re having much fun,” he said to me. I told him I was fine, which basically I was. People always tell me I look like I’m mad or unhappy when I am neither. When he found out I was there alone, he suggested I come dance with him and his friends. Now, I don’t dance. Not in front of people, anyway. It’s just not something anybody wants to see. But I did take him up on his offer to just hang out with him and his buddies.
There were five of them. I can’t remember all their names, but one of the other guys was Michael’s partner, Rob. They were all nice guys and made me feel pretty welcome. I think they were extra nice at first because when I said I didn’t live in Knoxville they took it as I was in just in town for the holiday. But even when they realized I’m from nearby, they were still very friendly. Eventually they all got the itch to dance again and headed out onto the floor. Rob stuck back with me so I wouldn’t be alone, but soon he was trying to coax me into dancing, too. I resisted as long as I could until he was tugging me by the belt loops into the mass of bouncing bodies promising me he could teach me to dance. Maybe it was the beer loosening me up, or just the need to have some fun, or deep down I guess I really wanted to give it a whirl. Otherwise I would not have let him budge me.
Rob got behind me and put his hands on my hips. This was new. I’m usually the one in back with a grip on the handles. But this was dancing (although Rob was pushing the envelope when he pressed his junk up against me). He pulled my hands behind me onto his hips and leaned up to my ear, shouting over the thump, thump of the music, “Just feel what my hips are doing and do the same thing.” What I was feeling was an upturned semi grinding my backside. Lordy! Right there in front of his boyfriend. Evidently, it was all good because then Michael came around to my front side and sandwiched me in between them chest to back. He pulled one of my arms around him and I kept my other on Rob’s hip…well, maybe I was getting a hand full of cheek, too. I have big mitts. The three of us rocked back and forth with them helping me find the groove of the music. Sure, it was a little naughty, maybe even a bit dirty…but never did it get nasty or out of line. It just happened. And just as quickly as we had entwined, Rob and Michael unwrapped themselves and paired off with two of the other guys. We were like a dance amoeba, a constantly changing blob of bodies. So, I guess it turns out I had a bunch of guys dancing around me after all. Just no tuxedos. And they weren’t so much dancing around me as dancing in my vicinity. Although I can be such a lummox that it’s more like my vicinity was dancing around them. After a while I got into it and was throwing my big ol’ self around with abandon. I’m not going to say I was good, but I did have a good time. I guess I was more relaxed dancing in a group. It made me feel like no one was really watching me.
I couldn’t stay out too late because I had to get home to Granny, but I hung with Michael and Rob and their friends as long as I could. I bought them all a round of drinks for entertaining me and for teaching me a few things (like dancing mostly boils down to shifting your weight and because I’m tall, I should lift my arms when I dance–I don’t really know why. That’s just what they told me.) I even got invited to Christmas party next weekend. I doubt I’ll go to that. Despite size fourteens I still need to take baby steps. And that’s okay, too. It’s going to take time to become the alpha in public that I am in the sack. Maybe by that time I will be secure enough with my insecurities to secure myself a future with the right beta.
November 28th, 2005 at 6:40 pm
Well that sounded like an eventful night. After you get passed the bad apples you’ll eventually get a few good ones
Speaking of the Hustler and the Hare. Geesh what kind of people you got in Knoxville. LOL But after reading the whole thing. Doesn’t sound to uncommon. I got kind of a visual of you standing there at the bar nursing your beer. I can see why they might get the impression you are “Right now” or “Looking”. Next time try a different spot. Nurse your beer watching the dance floor, or maybe stand at a door frame or wall edge over looking anyone that might be playing pool. *grin*
Just like I said. Dancing is like having sex
As far as what to do with your hands during, I usually rest one on my chest and one on my abs while dancing, well off and on anyway.
I don’t dance that much anymore, but people do like to drag you out there. I know the ones that usually drag me out eventually start coaxing me to take off my shirt. Drives me nuts. I have no desire to take my shirt off. They say “Why? You have a nice body show it off!” I shouldn’t have to.
Dancing in a group is a lot better. Until one by one they leave the floor then you are left in an awkward position. Then you are left with a logical excuse to say to the last other person “I need to piss and get another beer”.
November 28th, 2005 at 7:48 pm
You sound very much like me in a bar — alone, scared of meeting others etc…
November 28th, 2005 at 8:12 pm
You should absolutely go to the x-mas party; you never know who will be there.
November 28th, 2005 at 8:29 pm
Oh god…so i am not the only gay guy that didn’t get the gay “dance Gene!” I don’t miss the whole single at the bar scene. Now it is me and the bf, mingling and shatting with our friends, etc. When I was single it was me in the corner watching everyone looking VERY NOT interested. If a guy checked me out, I always looked away, fear I guess. I think that is why I got in a relationship so soon…I was tired of feeling the whole comfort zone thing.
Sounds like you are on the right path to Alpha male at the bar. I would definitely go to the party. The first party I went to after coming out was a similar situation and some of thise guys are still my friends today…5 yrs later!
November 28th, 2005 at 10:37 pm
Wow!! I thought I was the only one who get’s anxiety attacks entering a bar, thinking everyone is judging me. At least you get hit on. I usually end up drunk and alone. Still, I would take the party invitation, those are hard to come by, I should know. . .I still haven’t gotten one. LOL You’re handsome and adorable, you should have no problems in the future. As always, you inspire. Thank you.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:51 pm
Sue’s right. No expectations and you’ve got nothing to lose. Never know what you might gain.
November 28th, 2005 at 11:54 pm
I think it’s natural to be nervous in a bar especially when you don’t know anyone. Being mostly a non-drinker, I think it can be worse when you are completely sober.
My recommendation(s). Don’t park yourself in a corner. Find a spot where you are visible. You’d be surprised how much the tables turn. I always loved to dance so it was often my way of getting over my anxiety. That or playing a game of pool. I totally suck at pool but I’d put my name on the list to play. I always ended up meeting at least one person I didn’t know!
I’m glad you met some new guys. Maybe next time, you’ll see them again and you’ll have someone to talk to right away. And don’t sweat the guys cruising you. One you’re probably considered new meat, two you are so darn sexy can ya blame’em?
November 29th, 2005 at 3:34 am
I know it may sound dorky, but I’m so proud of you Tony! It sounds like you handled yourself very well and ended up having not too shabby of a time! I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on the dance floor (which might just be my natural element)- so thoughtful and yet so fun! I hope that you do manage to attend that Christmas party.
Keep it up big guy!
November 29th, 2005 at 8:17 am
I can’t dance and I can’t sing but I sing in the shower and in my car and I dance after a few drinks when the dance floor is crowded and ya know- fuck ‘em…. it is fun even if I look like I am having a seizure.
Sometimes, lessons like coloring outside of your box- even for a moment, is worth every thump thump.
November 29th, 2005 at 12:02 pm
Getting there is the biggest hurdle. Once you’re there, you’ll most likely have fun.
Or at least that’s how it always is for me going to parties…
November 29th, 2005 at 6:32 pm
Time to step out of the closets Tony. One, admit that it is ok to be gay. Two, youre just like everybody else dude, except you live at home, still. Build a bridge and get over your neurosis. You don’t even live in nyc!!
Hugs x
November 29th, 2005 at 6:37 pm
Dancing is a great way to relax. Glad you were able to relax and have a good time. The next time is always easier, unless it’s been a while.
November 30th, 2005 at 3:29 pm
imjust like u aloner but when i go to the club or bar i feel like i belong somewhere not that i have alot of gay friends the atmosphere there takes afew loads of insecurity .u donot have to be a great dancer to feel it .
when it comes to dancing i think i will advise u to dance after a few drinks thatway u feel great and stop sitting at the bar makes u look like what they think u r .this is what i usually do i never satnd at the bar and when it comes to dancing im a good dancer but most of the time there is crapy music so u just dance how u feel comfortable annd the dance floor is when i do my flirting with all those sex dances for me it does wonders boasts me to feel good abot my self [i know im shallow]
December 1st, 2005 at 2:57 pm
Back when I was still married and trying to get up the nerve to ‘come out’, I used to go into a gay bar here in town (not much to choose from here in Lansing Michigan) and I could sit at the bar for 2 or 3 beers and never once talk to a soul. That also means that the guys wouldn’t talk to me either…but every now and then a hot little number would join me and try to stike up a conversation. Even when it didn’t go any further than sharing a beer and time at a bar, it was great just being around someone who was on the same side of the sexual tracks…so I empathize with your story (told once again with heart and humor). And, I hope you do the same thing again, real soon. You should go to the Christmas party…if for no other reason than to be amongst other guys of the same persuasion…enjoy yourself!!
December 2nd, 2005 at 8:15 pm
Just when it seems you actually can’t get any sweeter… SUGAR RUSH!
You really only need to remember one thing… “Dance like nobody’s watching!”
December 4th, 2005 at 11:07 pm
TONY DANCING!!!! YAY!!!! I love dancing. Glad you’re taking steps to come out of your shell and that it worked out well for you this time around. Keep on. I’m happy for you!
December 7th, 2005 at 12:41 am
It all sounds so familiar. Years ago I literally pushed one foot in front of the other to get myself into a bar by myself with dancing going on. The uninvited comments…”You don’t look happy,” “Why so sad?”…usually followed by the hasty pass or attempted mauling, when all I really wanted was to connect with someone on a friendly, fun level. But, then, this one guy in particular asked me to dance. When I replied I didn’t really know how, he offered to teach me (without the body search). I enjoyed myself…and now we’re best friends. It’s awkward at first, for sure, Tony. Keep trying…the light comes shining through. Then, soon, your hands will be conducucting your own contentment…and if they find themslelves in your pockets, nobody will care…most of all, you.
January 6th, 2006 at 5:03 pm
Just the fact you got yourself out of the house and went to the bar alone – man, that’s the hard part. How many people need to have friends around to do the very same thing (me included). Give yourself a little bit of a break.