Tastes Like Chicken
You know how political campaign ads want a certain image for a candidate or an opponent so they focus on the things that support that image and discount or justify the things that don’t? Well, I think I have come to that place with Travis. If you have been following this blog for a while, you may remember my co-worker. He was the one who told me he thought he might like guys, but then violently retracted the statement a couple of days later. Lately, I have come to realize that I want it to be true that he smokes of the bone. I find myself now looking for clues or answers and justifying his behavior based on his initial revelation.
For example, not long after his drunken confession he started going out with a girl. She started bringing him to and from work a lot after he lost his license from a DUI. When she was around, or if you saw them out together, he was always making a big show of affection. Or at work he was constantly letting us know how much he was “hitting it.” Now, prior to what he told me this summer, I would have just thought of him as the horny, boned-up twenty-one year old that we all were once. It’s not unusual for the guys I work with to brag about pussy and get possessive about their women. But to me, it seems like he’s trying to prove himself too much. Is the fact that I know he has questioned his sexuality clouding my judgment?
Until he brought it up, it had never ever crossed my mind that he might be gay. But now, so many things he does, even though they really aren’t all that different than before, make me strongly consider the possibility. Especially his behavior around Matt, another co-worker. Like any workplace, there are going to be people who become buddies, and Travis and Matt have always been pretty close. But, since Travis broke up with his girlfriend, it seems like they are even closer.
Maybe I’m creating it all. Maybe it’s just one of those cases where a friendship gets pushed to the back burner while you’re dating somebody, and when the break up happens you run back to your friend. I certainly don’t think anything is going on between Travis and Matt, but I think Travis has some desire for his buddy. It’s no doubt that he idolizes Matt. That was clear when he was” straight”Travis. But now that he is “possibly gay”Travis, am I just imagining that it’s puppy love? I also thought Travis’ reason for breaking up with his girlfriend was not too convincing. “I had to cut that bitch loose,” he told me. “She was always on my case and riding me and shit, you know what I’m saying?” Six months ago I would have shrugged and not thought twice about it, but now I’m Sherlock Holmes looking at everything as a clue.
And why? Why do I care whether or not Travis is gay? Is it because I see him as myself ten years ago and that sort of validates for me that its okay to be a redneck queer and not fit into the expectations and stereotypes of gay culture? Is it because I want to have a buddy like me to be able to share thoughts, feelings, and Cher albums with? (You all understand that is a joke, right? The Cher part.)
I hate to admit it but what it boils down to is ego. It took me a while to recognize it, but that’s what it is, pure and simple. My ego wants Travis to be gay because I want him to find me attractive. Something deep down in me wants me to be Travis’ first gay crush. This sort of came to me when I realized that I’m actually a little jealous of his friendship with Matt. When we sat in his car that day and he nervously told me an important secret, I feel like we had an instant bond. I didn’t feel it at the time, but in hindsight it gave us a powerful connection. Before that, I couldn’t have cared less what his relationship with Matt is. But now, when I see them together, hear about their adventures, and see the worship in Travis’ eyes, I get green.
The ego thing is weird because I don’t want to date Travis or anything. (Although, I will admit that if we did not work together I would probably “hit it” given a chance. He is a pretty cute guy. ) I guess it’s another validation thing. If Travis is gay and found me attractive, I guess that would validate my desirability. Yes, I know there are guys that find me attractive. But, I don’t know, somehow it’s different when it’s right at you own back door. Maybe it’s all a product of the fact that I haven’t gotten laid in long time.
Whatever it is, I need to just pull back and accept Travis for wherever his is right now. I need to stop drawing conclusions and let the facts unfold. After all, if it walks like a duck, it could still taste like chicken.
November 19th, 2005 at 1:15 pm
It never ceases to amaze me how attractions between people sometimes work. We all want to feel desirable; and yet sometimes when one makes their feelings known, we automatically reject them because something inside of us says that if they find me attractive then there is something wrong with them and therefore I’m not interested. However, if they don’t show any attraction to us then we often want it all the more and as you say, our vision turns green. I find this especially true if we are attracted to them in the first place. It’s a paradox.
November 19th, 2005 at 3:28 pm
Don’t sweat it Tony. Nothing wrong w/your feelings. If anything just proves you are human. I’d be willing to bet you have Travis pegged pretty well. He is obviously struggling w/his identity.
November 19th, 2005 at 3:45 pm
Hi Tony. I would caution you to be careful of developing an emotional dependency with Travis - just don’t dwell too much on what Travis is really up to in his mind. It sounds like he might have one with Matt. It is interesting that you want to be his first gay crush. Matt might have beaten you to it. Please be careful and don’t overthink it. If you want to know more of where this thought process can lead you (i’ve been through and am currently getting out of dealing with it), let me know.
November 19th, 2005 at 11:44 pm
Be careful with Travis. Not b/c of your job or your reputation or other shit but b/c of you heart. You intuitively know this and you just need someone to remind you so I will. I hope you have a nice Thanksgiving with your Grandma and family.
Take care of your heart, its the Largetony!
November 20th, 2005 at 5:05 am
Hmm let me think about this. I’m not going to sugar coat it. Most of us are drawn to someone that is different, personality wise from our own. Someone we wish we could be more like. (shy people seem to be drawn to extroverts) However, I am not saying that Travis didn’t see you as such. I think there was interest on his part when he shared with you. But, you actually didn’t act on it. Whether physical or just spoken to feed his interest even farther. Like perhaps, innuendo. Matt however probably did, if they are as tight as you say they are, one drunken night I am sure Travis confessed to his buddy Matt. Heck, Matt could have expressed his own interest about thinking “they might be a gay”.
Then there is the shallow reality of it all. Bi curious men seem to be very interested in DICK. Either they want to suck it, be sucked or just play with it. They are fascinated with the thought of another guys dick. I’ve also come to realize that alot of bimen these days are wanting to be bottoms.
Since I watch so much str8 porn to begin with. I am assuming it’s because the great majority of girls doing anal sex these days. That feeds the curiousity of “why do they like it so much? and does it really feel that good?” they are gonna want to find out for themselves.
If he was to ever find out or witness your endowment. I can pretty much say his distance of interest with you will about face. Sounds awful I know. He is all about the physical act at this point to feed his curiousity, he is not about feelings, emotions or cuddling at this stage. After all he is young. I’m not saying go out and flash him your meat though. Sit back watch and when the moment presents itself for whatever it maybe, either communication or physical. I think you’ll know what will be the right thing to do from past encounters with him.
November 20th, 2005 at 6:34 am
Good comments, all.
We have all probably been in the same-type situation at some point in our gay lives. I know I have. But you certainly got it right about ego. My mind will tell me anything I want to believe. From that point on, it’s impossible to be really objective.
So yeah, I agree. Just let happen whatever is gonna happen.
But if you and Travis ever go down a lonely dirt road out in the country to share a 12-pack, I can’t wait to read your post on here the next day.
November 21st, 2005 at 3:05 pm
Tony,
Just wear tight jeans more often. you’ll get anything and anyone you want. Use your power! …oh…and have a happy thanksgiving!-Rich
November 21st, 2005 at 3:29 pm
You’ve done a terrific job of sorting out your own feelings about the situation. My guess is that it’s very unlikely that he’s gonna start mooning over you again. As closeted as he is, the only kind of guy he’s gonna fall for is a perfectly unattainable straight one — which he seems to have found.
And since having his attention is more about ego for you than anything else, then it’s best to keep him as a j/o fantasy and forget about it. If you ever had him, you would surely spoil him for anyone else!
November 26th, 2005 at 6:29 am
Wow… you say what a lot of us only think… I love it. Any new developments?
November 26th, 2005 at 3:58 pm
the first thing u should think about is your job office affairs are not advicable
i think if he is in the closet he finds comfort hunging out with the straight dude maybe it will help him go straight and that not the case
just stay away from this guy
November 28th, 2005 at 1:56 pm
Hey! What’s wrong with Cher!
Just kidding, Tony! Great post. Very thought-provoking. Makes you question your own motivations on why you do things.
Take it easy, buddy! And keep in touch, OK?