This Skank is Bananas
I’ve mentioned before that one of my guilty pleasures is that Gwen Stefani song, “Holla Back Girl.” It’s not so much that I think it’s a great song, it’s just that once it’s in your head, you can’t get it out. Catchy, yes. Great? I’m not so sure. It’s kind of like if the Oscar Mayer Hot Dog Song came in a dance mix. Maybe that’s the key to a hit song. If you can’t sell it, then spell it. You know, “O-S-C-A-R,” “B-A-N-A-N-A-S.” Thank God “Supercalifragilisticexpialidosious” works on it’s own goofiness. (Okay, I know I probably mispelled that, so all you Disney freaks just relax.)
Anyway, according to this article, “Holla Back Girl” has something to do with cheerleaders and fighting. Well, it seems like Gwen Stefani has her finger on the pulse of world events…well, the sports world anyway. If you pay much attanetion to sports this probably isn’t news to you (which means it probably is news to most of you) but last weekend two cheerleaders for the Carolina Panthers Football team got arrested after having sex in a public restroom at a bar.
Now before you start unzipping your britches, be aware that the Panthers are an NFL team. Not a college team. These were not the buffed out, square-jawed, bubble-butted, ambiguously gay male cheerleaders that you find in college football. They were instead the big-haired, doe-eyed, breast-implanted, ass-shaking, skank-ho’ female “cheerleaders” you find in the NFL and NBA.
Did you just hear a funny sound? It was the collective “grunt, spurt, and sigh” of straight guys around the world who just busted one at the thought of a situation that holds all the elements of their ultimate fantasy: NFL cheerleaders, lesbian sex and cat fights. Taking place in a bar, I’m sure beer makes an appearance in the fantasy (and reality), too. Throw in some Buffalo wings and they just might pass out from the effort.
I’m having a little trouble finding the hotness in this news story that a lot of sports talk radio hosts and sports blogs have. It’s not because it’s girls. Sure, I’m a giant queer now, but I’ve had my time with the ladies in the past and can still appreciate their charms. And I can find the hotness in cheerleaders (both sexes.) And I have no problem with girl on girl action. It’s the location. This is going to sound sexist, but bathroom sex between women just seems more nasty than hot. I just think of women as having higher standards, in general, than men when it comes to sex. I imagine them as being more selective about not only who’s carpet to munch, but also where that carpet is gonna get laid. Wouldn’t they prefer locations like secluded grottos bursting with hibiscus or some sorority girl’s canopy bed on top of unicorn bedsheets? Or at the very least behind the tinted windows of their Honda Element after buying pipe wrenches at Home Depot?
Now, had it been some Holla Back boys…fresh-faced, bootylicious (yes, I have an ass fetish), rah-rah studs getting raw and dirty in a dingy can, trading blow jobs and performing splits against each other’s hard gymnast bodies?…well, that’s the stuff that porn movies are made of. But just by changing the gender of the people involved, the story would take on a whole different tone to the sports media. Then the situation would have been lewd, disgusting, and somehow detrimental to the sanctity of marriage.
Besides, we all know that no one in sports is gay, right? Not even cheerleading. Sure, you may find yourself in the locker room one day working the kink out of a jock buddy’s thigh muscle and accidentally swallow his cock, but that doesn’t make you gay. Maybe it makes you bisexual. But only by accident. These cheerleaders were probably bisexual. And only on weekends. Sort of like the National Guard of lesbians.
Plus, women having public sex are considered naughty nymphs. Men having public sex are pervs. Pee-Wee Herman pulls one off alone in a porno theater and his career gets flushed down the toilet like a load-filled wad aof tissue. Skank cheerleaders go muff-to muff in a toilet stall and they get offers from Playboy.
To be fair, they were not arrested for the sexual encounter. They were arrested for the barroom brawl that they started when one of them punched out a pissed-off, piss-filled patron who pounded on the door with her legs crossed, complaining that they were in the john too long.
But that’s not all. Once the fight breaks out, the manager calls the cops (probably after realizing he had no mud or jell-o to throw on the tussle) and when the duo gets arrested, one of them gives a false name. Did she just make one up? Nooooooooo. She gave the name of another cheerleader from her squad that was not even present. Now, that skank is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
November 13th, 2005 at 8:09 pm
Brings back some old memories of bathroom sex in London’s oldest gay bar. The Colherne. I’m wondering if any of your other readers have had “experiences” there.
November 13th, 2005 at 9:53 pm
Hmmmph. The mind boggles.
November 13th, 2005 at 10:55 pm
I’ll be your Holla back boy! LOL
That was funny. Btw, I enjoy reading everything you write. I’m always interested in your use of metaphors. They are great. You crack me up.
November 14th, 2005 at 2:50 am
Thank God I am gay. This does nothing for me at all. I will admit to noticing a pretty girl, but that is about as far as it goes.
The whole thing caught me by surprise watching CNN. As if this is ground breaking news. Switching from the hotel bombing in Jordan to this. The only thing that I care to know about is if they actually become in trouble with the law. I know if it was male oriented, jail time and probation would be the icing on the cake of legal problems. Boggles the mind that this is on most straight mens topics of conversations. Must be the same men who voted down gays having the right to marry in Michigan. Really, who cares what they do????
November 14th, 2005 at 7:27 am
I would just like to say, as a representative of the ladies, we totally don’t go for the public bathroom sex. Notice I said ladies. I suppose skanks will do it wherever they can find a bit of privacy, but I’m just thinking, why not go to a motel? I mean duh? Who knows what kind of nasty diseases are hanging around in that bathroom? Ugg I shutter at the thought.
November 14th, 2005 at 9:35 am
To me. .the whole incident was a mere passing reading in the newspaper. Beyond that I’d forgotten about it. . . .of course two men on the other hand would have me researching every bit of information on it. LOL
November 14th, 2005 at 10:48 am
I also think that girl-on-girl sex in a public restroom is pretty nasty. However, guy-on-guy sex in a public restroom is okay (even hot!). It goes beyond just being lady like. I think it has to do with physical structures involved; women are by design more “open” to disease than men, so it is a question of hygiene also.
November 14th, 2005 at 12:53 pm
Did you see their mugshots? Totally perfect!
November 14th, 2005 at 2:12 pm
Yeah, sounds kinda skanky to me too. Course, when I did it, it was hot. Does that make me a hypocrite?
November 14th, 2005 at 8:31 pm
I was amused to see that the picture posted of a cheerleader is actually Britney Spears’ cousin. I don’t know whether it’s sad or not that I recognized her.
November 15th, 2005 at 11:18 pm
Tony:
Great writing! I love the descriptive phrases in paragraph five; especially the one about the Honda Element with tinted glass, and Home Depot buying pipe wrenches. Good One!
As for football, I like your comentaries. Growing up here in rural southern Indiana the only football I knew about was in a city far, far away where rich kids live, with better schools. I never had much interest in it until I began reading your blogs. Thanks Tony.
As for the homosexual reference, I find that I relate to you in several ways; I don’t party, I have only two or three close friends, I am a nice guy, so people tell me. And,I think some women and men are hot; but have never taken the time to put a label on myself. Humm? However,I did go back and skim through the blogs that I had missed when I had no Internet service and found your 9/21/05 partial blog; and I will read the rest of it, if I can find it in the archieves.
Tony, keep writing the short stories, they are great and so are you.
P.S. I have just written a short story, with a heart; it is about my buddy’s and mine innocence, our first sexual experinece and our coming of age. If you and or your readers might be interested in reading it [if it clears your legal department] I would be glad to e-mail it to you, but only if you ask.
Ed from Indiana
rilenger@yahoo.com
November 17th, 2005 at 3:31 pm
Thi sis so funny!! When I heard about this story on ESPN…yes I am a gay guy who watches sports other than figure skating and diving…anyway, when I heard about this story on ESPN I thought the same thing you did about what would have happened if the two horny women were actually two horny buffed out men?? Hmm…I agree with you that the story would have taken a more sinister turn and instead of all those straight sports fans bustin a nut thinking about two women making out in a bar’s toilet, they’d be thumpin their bibles on their armchairs…and, again, you’ve captured the thought perfectly and expressed your thoughts like a pro. I really do enjoy reading your blog!!!
November 21st, 2005 at 11:57 pm
Ewwww…. I can’t imagine two girls going down on each other hehehe.. nah nah, to each his own I guess
November 26th, 2005 at 5:37 pm
“Did you just hear a funny sound? It was the collective “grunt, spurt, and sigh” of straight guys around the world who just busted one at the thought of a situation that holds all the elements of their ultimate fantasy: NFL cheerleaders, lesbian sex and cat fights.”
Tony, you made tea go spurting out of my nose what I read that.
January 6th, 2006 at 4:57 pm
Funny how what’s hot for two men is deemed skanky for two women. What a confining trap we - as in our society - has made for women’s behavior. Why not let them cut loose a little bit. Personally, one of the things that makes them so distant for me is that pedestal that they are placed on.