Wimmin
You all know that I am pretty much a loner. So I don’t have a lot of people that I could really call friends. There’s two or three guys though. But, through the course of exchanging a couple of e-mails with woman who is an online friend, it dawned on me that in “real life,” I don’t have any female friends. What the fuck is wrong with me? How can I get to be 30 years old (and gay, no less) and have no women in my life? I’m a Will with no Grace.
Well, I know what’s wrong with me. Even though I am an industrial-sized fudge-packer, I thinkI subconsiously think of women in sexual terms. That’s the way I was raised. I have never had female friends. As a little boy, I wouldn’t dare hang out the girls and risk being called a sissy by my father, and as I got older I wouldn’t dare not hang with girls and risk being confirmed a sissy by my brother. But hanging with girls as a teenaged redneck means you are nailing them. I pounded enough nails that I should be a carpenter now instead of a painter, but I turned out to be a sissy anyway. Well, not a sissy in the truest sense, but 75 inches and 195 lbs of pure homo.
In the south, except for the woman you squirted out of all pink and puffy, men often think of women as someone second class. They are vessels, servants, and the bearer of your youngins. I doubt that any guy would really admit that these days, but I think the feeling is still there, and it gets subliminally transferred from father to son. It’s like women are fine to spend time with if you’re going to get something out of it (i.e. a good plate of fried chicken and green beans or fifteen minutes of fun), but to actually talk to, get an opinion from, call a friend…well, don’t be too sure. I wonder if I’m still holding on to some of that.
Some guys grow out of this when they get older and get married. But, I think not as many guys are friends with their wives as the there should be. If I hadn’t turned sissy, I probably would be married by now, so then I would have had at least one female friend. But since I’m not, what do I do? Women just don’t tend to come into the circle of my world. I work in a place that is entirely guys, except for a three women in the contractor’s office. And one of those three so seriously wants down the left leg of my britches that I don’t think I could ever be comfortable enough around her to be friends. Plus, I don’t she’d be satisfied to have it stay at that level. And mostly what I do in my free time, like lifting weights or playing basketball, there don’t tend to be girls around either. Yeah, there are girls at the gym, but you don’t really see them mixing with the guys (I think mostly cause they don’t want guys putting a move on them while they are feeling the burn…and you know guys would. Girls in tight gym clothes, bouncing up and down, trying to break a sweat. Guys pumped full of adrenaline, thinking they are studs. Recipe for a restraining order.) And at the basketball games, the girls there are generally the girlfriends and wives of players or they are jock bunnies–the ones who hang out in hopes of becoming girlfriends or wives of players. To them we’re just the white trash Kobe. (Recipe for a rape trial or paternity test.)
This is going to sound very strange question from a gay guy, but how do I meet women? And if I do, what do I talk to them about? I barely know what to say to guys, I’m clueless with women.
Women are actually pretty mysterious creatures to me. Like, what goes on when they all go to the restroom together? Guys almost never go at the same time. In fact, guys will risk pissing their pants to avoid looking like they are going to the bathroom at the same time as another dude. But if they do, it’s silence and eyes forward. Guys never talk to each other in restrooms unless they are divided by a stall, or they are washing their hands. This, of course, is not the case in gay bars where, strangely, something like touching has the distinction of being repulsive and encouraged at the same time.
And what about the fact that women never stink? Have you noticed that? I guess it’s all a chemical thing, but you can put a guy and girl both to digging ditches and the woman is never going to get very ripe. She may not be as fresh as when she started, but she ain’t gonna knock you down with it either. A guy can get funky enough to call out a S.W.A.T. team. “Sir…drop your arms and some out slowly.” Of course, a woman can get odorous (is that a word?) down south, but since men don’t have that plumbing system, you can’t compare.
I don’t know how I am going to go about this quest for a “girl” friend. I guess I could try shopping more (I hate it). Or go to a salon instead of a barber (talk about your square peg). Or maybe watch “Oprah” or Lifetime Channel more (shudder!). Nah, it’s just need to handle it like I’m handling a “boy” friend. Just let things happen. If its meant to be, it will. I just wonder if I will be willing to hold her hair when she vomits? Yeah, probably. 
September 23rd, 2005 at 4:56 pm
Great post! I can relate to where you are coming from. For many years, I didn’t have any “girl” friends. I started seeking out the “corporate lesbians” for several reasons:
1. They are not fag-hags. I’m sorry, str8 girls who live their lives around gay men because they feel “safe” at the gay bar is just wrong. Going once in awhile is one thing, to live every weekend there is just SAD!
2. You always know where you stand with the corporate lesbian. YOU ARE THEIR FRIEND and nothing more. And, with that, are some benefits. You get great advice from a perspective other than a man or gay man without prejudices. Also, you can give advice without the female or lesbian prejudices. You can get that as well from a fag-hag, but it’s not the same.
3. There is never an awkwardness and always honesty. I doubt a hag wants to hear about an evening you had with a man (in good taste of course) With a corp lesbian, your conversations can take easier turns. There is never that, “did I say too much?” In my experiences, hags have alterior motives.
4. Going out with a CL is easier. What happens when you meet someone you are interested in. The hag holds you back because chances are, the two of you came together. With the CL, they encourage you to meet people and not judging you if you leave with them once, twice, does three times still make me a lady???
5. Friend for life — bottom line. Your lifestyle is the same as well as having the the gay bond. A hag will eventually get tired, meet someone str8 and you will drift. And, how many str8 guys want their g-friend or wife to be hangin out with a fag?
I think you get the point. I’m not trying to rag on hags, there are many who aren’t that way — but from what I have seen and experienced, odds aren’t in their favor.
Good luck on your search, there are a lot of great women who want MEN — LIKE YOU — just as a friend, and what a great friend you will be!!!
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:04 pm
Tony, you crack me up sometimes, I have enough straight guys ask me how to meet women. Poor guys got no game!
I’m usually friends with both, but now that I think about it, most of my girlfriends are just like my guy friends. There’s the girl I go drink beer with at bars (she asked me to be her man of honor at her wedding), the girl I snowboard with (who is so damn gorgeous, I don’t understand why she is single), the girl back east who uses my shoulder to cry on about men, the hot girl in Germany who I guess I was kinda her fag to hang with, and the lesbian in Vancouver BC who is just cool to hang with. Problem is I don’t make an effort to meet them, it just happened. Wish I could help you out on this, but geographically we’ve got a big divide between us. Usually they’re girls that find me attractive and then are bummed that I’m spoken for, although I did tell two of them if I was single we’d knock knees. LOL
Southern boys do have that subservient thing as far as women are concerned. Been to enough southern weddings where that was the vow. Good luck buddy!
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:43 pm
Why worry about it? Like you said, just let it happen if it’s supposed to happen. Forced friendships don’t work. Just ask any of my X’s.
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:59 pm
“Jump and the net will appear.” Strange things happen when you’re open to them, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ll make yourself a friend before long. Don’t force this one, though, or else it may seem like you’re coming on to the girl, and that would be decidedly awkward.
As always, I’m impressed with your self-awareness and willingness to grow. The world needs more Tonys
September 23rd, 2005 at 10:19 pm
See, back East things are a bit different in that you could actually be friends with a girl (and most gay guys I know have at least one girl they’re “tight” with - did I say “tight?” It’s 1996, y’all!
) and it’s no big deal (mostly). I don’t know what to tell you in the mountains of Tennessee. Sooner or later they’ll start wondering about you if you’re not nailing your female friend (and women talk, so pretty soon all will undoubtedly know that you’re not hitting that) and put two and two together and so on and so forth. You can play it by ear and be a friend and not worry about society if you want. That’s always an option and probably a better one to boot.
September 24th, 2005 at 11:16 am
I’m definitely as gay as you (although if you wanna have a competition, let me know) and I don’t have many female friends either. I had them in high school and college, but when I went to work in a mostly male environment and attending a mostly male gym, and they started getting married and raising infants, we grew apart.
When I started to wonder about that, I just realized that when I start taking an interest in the things women do, and going places women go, I’ll start having women friends again. Except for that rare person with whom you make a profound, lifelong connection, friends are people with whom you have things in common. There’s nothing wrong with that.
The best thing about you is that you bust traditional gay stereotypes. I think you’re much more likely to make female friends (albeit very slowly) doing the things you enjoy rather than seeking them out.
September 24th, 2005 at 2:20 pm
I am shy like you are. I have met all of my friends at work. Some of them (both male and female) have turned out to be gay. Two things come to mind to get the message out that you are not interested in dating a woman from work: “I never mix work with pleasure” or “Sorry, but you’re not my type, but I’d like to hang anyway”. Her feelings might be hurt, but that’s a risk you have to take. She might pine a bit, but eventually she’ll figure it out. I don’t think I’d go for the one who wants to get into your pants.
The first line also works if she wants to set you up with a relative or friend.
September 24th, 2005 at 2:59 pm
Women are really no different than men when it comes to conversation. Men like it, and women like it. Personally, I like it to be funny and witty. And I think you are both.
You wanna know what goes on in ladies restrooms when we all go together? It depends on the situation. If we are shopping, then we need our friends to hold the stall door shut in case there is no lock. Or we need them to cough up a quarter and buy us a feminine product when we get trapped in the stall with a surprise female problem. If we are at a party, or at dinner then we are just looking for some company. That’s it. That’s not to say that women are not complicated creatures. We sure as hell are. I’ll admit, we change the rules without warning, we do things without thinking sometimes, and we can be tempermental without cause. But, here’s the thing, women are also wonderous creatures. I’m no lesbian, nor have I had any bi tendencies, but I notice how wonderful perfumes smell. Or how beautiful a woman is.
A down to earth woman is the type you should be friends with. You don’t need a diva. Just a fun girl with an infectious laugh.
September 24th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Personally, I think str8 girls are too much trouble…Find you a nice lesbian couple. They are fun, they don’t mind just sitting around drinking beer and watching football all weekend. I’d loan you mine but they are on the way over to re-screen my front porch.
September 24th, 2005 at 6:42 pm
In my experience, women go to the gym to get fit and/or MEET GUYS (read: they are “cruising” female style). You could offer to spot for one and then talk about their work out goals. You could make a friend that way, besides many women know and accept that gay guys work out (hope its like that where you live). But I urge caution, some are looking for someone to marry (after which they stop working out of course).
It is also less problematic looking for a str8 girl at work if she is already happily married and/or emotionally mature.
I think it is noble that Tony wants to have str8 friends, as in the long run it will help to overcome homophobia in our society. Kudos Tony!
September 25th, 2005 at 7:52 am
To Dave - FYI: my husband somewhat prefers I hang out with gay males because HE knows that they are no threat to our relationship. Though so many seem to come-on to him that I wonder if I should worry.
Also, I like to hear about my friends’ love lives whether they are straight or gay.
September 26th, 2005 at 2:42 am
Of course, there’s always the theory that people are people.
No, wait -
That’s people who need people, are the luckiest people in the world. You strike me as a lucky guy Tony.
September 26th, 2005 at 11:40 pm
As always, love your writing style, Tony. Interesting topic. I’ve always had women friends, but those friendships just happen. Most have been someone from work — lots of women working in offices — and others have been friends of friends, or someone I just happened to meet. Like some of the other responders have said, you might be more comfortable buddying up with a gay girl. Or.. any of your buddies got sisters/cousins that you get along with?
March 31st, 2007 at 4:48 am
keep up your good work!! i love visiting your site!