Three Dollar Bill
Excuse me, everyone. Attention, please. Quiet in the back….Thank you.
I stand before you today to address certain electronic communications (aka e-mails) regarding my recent posts on football. After careful thought, I have concluded that there is only one suitable response to your questions: Yes. I am a homosexual.
Why does a love of football make it questionable that I’m gay? Loving football makes me no more straight than loving figure skating makes someone else gay. Well, maybe that’s a bad example. Figure skating is pretty gay.
It’s sort of a running theme in my life. I have never made it a point to tell people I am gay (mostly because of the mentality of where I live), but if someone asks I will be honest. But it’s not that often that anyone asks because they just assume I’m a breeder. Even when I am asked, it comes out more like “You’re gay?” I guess I don’t walk the walk of a gay guy (I’m not very light on my Love Boat-sized feet). And I don’t talk the talk, either (face it, I was born a redneck. I’m much more likely to come out with a “git r dun,” than a “fabulous!”). But I definitely stoke the stroke like a gay man.
I guess that’s the only way to fully prove your homosexuality…in the sack (or the bed of your truck). To actually do it with a guy. And the fact I haven’t done it with a guy in forever probably doesn’t help my cause. But it’s been ten times as long since I’ve done it with a girl. And, sure, I realize that just as twat is not a foreign word to my Johnson, many straight men have been meat spelunking (sp?) in a buddy. Is it not convincing enough that the best part of me swells with joy just from watching a guy walk by? (Look ma, no hands!) Plus, it’s not like I can just drop to my knees and smoke my way to credibility.
Even though stereo-types are built on some sort of truth, you can’t just cookie cutter people and cast them into a different pile because one thing doesn’t fit your definition. We’re people, not products on an assembly line. We have similarities that draw us together, but also nuances that make us individuals.
I offer a handful of proofs of my queerness:
- I may not dress well, but I do like tight tank tops.
- I may not dance well, but I do like some dance music (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)
- I don’t like Queer Eye, but I love Sex and the City
- I don’t like figure skating, but I love skaters butts (same goes for gymnastics)
- I don’t have a bathroom full of care products, but I am neat and clean.
- I don’t worship Martha Stewart, but I can keep a man’s belly full. (and I can cook, too
)
But, you know what? Those things don’t make me gay. Those things make me Tony. What makes me gay is the desire that I have for men, that I don’t share for women. I want to like a guy for the qualities he has who also likes me for the qualities I have. I want to share laughs, dreams, successes, failures, and football and oatmeal cookies with him. I want us to be different enough that we constantly find each other fascinating. I want us to have silent conversations and be struck at the same moment by new experiences. I want to doze off together on the sofa during a particularly dull interview on some late night show. I want to wake up a half hour later and tear at each other on the floor with sexual abandon. I want to spend so many hours deep inside him that his insides mold to my shape. I never think about any of that with a woman. That’s what makes me gay. The fact that there’s football, too, is just bonus.
September 21st, 2005 at 6:18 pm
Aww. That was a nice post. You’re so touching and insightful. And raw. I like that.
Also, you’re such a freak! Closet freak! And you’re a Cancer. Water sign. Like me (Pisces). Oh, sure, our signs look innocent enough, but close the door and watch out.
This is what I mean by keeping seriousness and silliness in balance.
September 21st, 2005 at 6:21 pm
Love football, but I never really understood it and I love men but never have understood them. Nice of you to explain about football the way you do. Guess l I will learn about men through experience. Don’t like underhandedness but think it is the way of a lot of people in life.
Nice to read your posts and see your pics. NC here and I like ECU football but please don’t tell anyone.
Peace
September 21st, 2005 at 6:21 pm
You’re gay?!? Well I’ll be. . .
Isn’t it a crying shame that we can’t just accept people for who they are and not try to stuff them into the boxes of our preconceived notions? If we were all the same, then I think it would be a pretty dull and tedious experience indeed. What defines us is not what we do — what defines us is who we are and that sometimes takes a little while to figure out, but isn’t the diversity of the puzzle wonderful?
Now about this Martha Stewart business . . . . .
September 21st, 2005 at 6:42 pm
I hear ya.
I’ve been told forever that most people, upon meeting me, don’t think I’m gay. Is that because I don’t go swishing though the aisles or pinching every guy’s butt as he walks by? Is it because I have a man’s voice and choose NOT to talk like a drag queen?
I hate stereotypes. And I used to be a football coach.
September 21st, 2005 at 6:43 pm
And that guy, when you find him, is going to be one very, very lucky man.
September 21st, 2005 at 7:14 pm
I have the same problem, a bit more because I’m bisex and I live in Spain, where everything is black or white. is it the same in US?
September 22nd, 2005 at 5:39 am
If I could right now, I’d just give you a kiss on the cheek, a big hug, and say thank you! Wonderful post.
September 22nd, 2005 at 8:30 am
You might be a redneck, but you’re also a good writer and thinker. Keep it up. Does your granny know you’re gay?
September 22nd, 2005 at 9:42 am
Most of my life growing up I have been made fun of for being gay (weither I accepted the fact or not that I was gay). I am pretty sure everyone has experienced it in some form or fashion. Then when I decided to that men do so much more for me then women could in every aspect of life, I enter the gay world. People are like you act so straight and I always respond I act like me. Why should anyone think they should cast a stone after dealing with prejudice most of their life and question others on their beliefs is just mind boggling.
Tony, you are a good man. Do not allow others to upset you for what they do not understand. Just chalk it up to their own insecurities. Your passions in life are “your passions” (what makes you unique and special, not a carbon copy of the normalcy) and do not let anyone else make you feel any less for having them. I know you are the best gay man you can be.
Hugs,
Tony
September 22nd, 2005 at 10:03 am
Well, that was great!
We don’t all have to be the same; liking everything that everybody else does. Boy, that would be boring. All the variations are what makes the horse race interesting!
I’m glad that you’re looking for someone different than you in a partner. My partner Tim and I could not be more different, and that’s what has made our relationship tick these 10+ years.
Yep, I do find him endlessly fascinating. You’re on the right trail.
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:09 am
Well said, my friend. I actually have seen Payton Manning in action (live) - I AM from Indianapolis, you know. The next time I go home, they probably will have broken ground on their new stadium. Retractable roof and everything. I’m just not sure if I spelled the quarterback’s name right. oh well. And about the gay thing, the what make you you thing, just know that there’s at least one more person (that lives in NYC) that thinks redneck or not, football fan or not, oatmeal cookie lovin’ freak or not, insides-reshaper or not, the RIGHT person loves it all about a person. (and this is coming from someone who’s been married, so I know about both) Rock on, my friend.
September 22nd, 2005 at 11:59 am
Well I f I was were you are right now.. I’d say….. PROVE IT! and then I’d say “ahh… once isn’t proof! Do it again!”
September 22nd, 2005 at 2:05 pm
i’m hungry for some oatmeal cookies right now. Tony said “cookie cutter” mmmmm! coooooookkkkkkiiiieeeeeeesssssss!
September 22nd, 2005 at 2:37 pm
Wow, I don’t read your blog because you’re gay, I read it because I can relate to your posts. One of my straight friends made some comments similar to some of the posts you got, because I post to a Gay sports forum(Outsports.com). “You talk to other gay guys about sports?” “Uh, Yeah!”. She seemed really surprised even though she knows how much sports I play.
Besides, if you think about it……..what does it matter who you sleep with or F$%k?
September 22nd, 2005 at 2:38 pm
Oh yeah, and I’m really disappointed with the Terps this season. They arn’t playing well, they’re not protecting their quarterback. All in all it looks like a bad season for the University of Maryland.
September 22nd, 2005 at 3:19 pm
Isn’t it funny how society as a whole wants to put labels on everything and everyone? I’m gay, but I like all sports, including football and basketball, and, figure skating and gymnastics (does that prove that I’m gay and not straight??). There’s nothing more exciting (well I COULD name a couple of activities) that watching or being at a football game and experiencing the emotion and energy of the players and fans. If enjoying a sporting event other than figure skating makes me straight, then this straight guy loves sports and sucking dick!!
September 22nd, 2005 at 5:20 pm
I hear ya’…I don’t really fit any stereo-types myself…well, except for the man sex. But that’s besides the point.
September 23rd, 2005 at 12:10 am
come to denver and we can watch a real sport…..HOCKEY….or if you need a real laugh we can go watch the bronos……
September 23rd, 2005 at 1:50 am
I agree w/Len in that I think it’s part of our nature to label things. We can’t help it. However, I think as our society becomes more accepting of gays you see a lot of the old stereotypes falling away. There will always be people who fit stereotypes otherwise there wouldn’t be any stereotypes. *crossed eyes*
I hate football but it has more to do w/my father than the game itself. I love going to hockey games though.
September 23rd, 2005 at 3:48 am
Tony…
September 23rd, 2005 at 6:46 am
Darn it! They rescheduled the LSU vs. Tennessee game for Monday night!!! Grrr…. I guess it is for the best. I’ll be there and take as many pics as I can! Geaux Tigers! OOPS… I mean… good luck in the game against LSU!
September 27th, 2005 at 9:47 am
Well here’s the opposite to support this theory that we gay guys can’t be pigeon holed. I’m a HUGE fag. I know this, I love this about myself. I’m prone to a lot of “gay” stereo typing but…
I’m a damn good hod carrier.
I’ve put roofing on my house by myself.
I’ve dug through dead animal carcasses to find bones for my artwork.
I’m a great shot with a gun and a rifle.
I repaired fence line and dug post holes by myself, albeit in a grass hat
That’s just a few of the things this queen can do. So why shouldn’t you get your rocks off watching the game like everyother guy? …can I make you a cosmo while you’re watching?
January 1st, 2006 at 5:34 pm
Hmm.
I like figure skating AND pro basketball.
I like Queer Eye AND Sex and the City.
People mistake me for butch or — heavens forfend! — straight every day, even though I’m an old-school intellectual arts-loving homo.
One never knows, does one?
March 31st, 2007 at 4:50 am
good work again!
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