A Nice Spot
Do you ever wonder if where you are is where you are meant to be? In life, I mean. And not ultimately. Just for right now. I don’t think there is an ultimate place to arrive in life, because it’s a constant journey. Every day brings something new. Don’t believe me? Just think back over the last two weeks. Go ahead. Do it. I’ll bet you can find some occurance…maybe something major, maybe something minor…that has effected something else and brought about change (also maybe major, maybe minor). I think the only ultimate is death. And I’m not even convinced death is the ultimate. I think maybe it’s just the ultimate for the body that you occupying right now.
I started wondering about this because I’ve been going through sort of a lonely period the last few days. The isolation I have being in a rural area outside a small town and without much opportunity for social stuff, can sometimes get to me. It seems like everyone I know or work with is getting married and starting families, or at least shacking up and getting laid. I, on the other hand, basically go to and from work and my social interaction is mostly left to snapping beans with Granny and exchanging e-mails with internet buddies. Of course, I love my Granny more than anything, and I love the friendships I have made online, but sometimes I wonder if there shouldn’t be more.
I think to myself, “You know, Tony, you’re not bad husband material.” I mean, I’m an all right looking guy and I’m pretty decent. I’ve got good enough manners that you can take me home to your parents, but also have that redneck-bad boy- fuck you were you’re standing- streak in me, too. I don’t have much in the way of maternal instincts, but my provider and protector instincts are pretty considerable. I may not be much of a handyman..when it comes to fixing things, I tend to break them even more… but I can take care of the yard, lift heavy stuff, chop wood, and I’m actually pretty good in the kitchen. Nothing fancy on the table, but you won’t go hungry. So, I’m thirty years old and have some pluses, but nothing to show for it. I’ve put the whole relationship deal on hold so I can focus on Granny’s needs, but is that the right thing to do? Have I wasted time?
Maybe not. There is a saying that no time spent is wasted. Maybe this is where I’m supposed to be right now. Because even with the occasional loneliness, boredom, or sexual frustration, I have to admit I’m pretty content. No. I’m actually pretty happy. My life really could be a lot worse. Maybe it’s all a part of some great plan.
You all know that my Granny has been a major factor in my life and in how I live my life. Is it just a coincidence or has some spiritual force made sure I have come to this place? Maybe I needed to be here, not only to take care of her and see her through her winter years, but also in order to gain those pluses I talked about. She certainly has a lot to do with who I am. How would things be different if my mother hadn’t passed away when I was a teenager. Would have been such a wonderful life? I know that I would have never come to live with my Granny. Instead I would have lived in the shadow of the unhappy marriage of my over-worked mother and alcoholic father. I would have suffered more years of mental abuse from my father and brother. It would have been highly likely that I would have never finished high school and would have been heavily involved in drugs. I’m almost sure of the drugs because I was so emotionally weak as a teenager that I would have done anything to escape. Maybe the universe sacrificed my mother in order to make things better for me. While I don’t think she would have ever considered something like suicide, I could easily seeing her cutting a deal with somebody “out there” on my behalf.
When it came time to move in with Granny for the second time, I was in my early twenties and beginning to fully explore my homo-ness. Like my father with alcohol and my brother with drugs, I have addictive tendencies, only my indugence was (is) sexual. Actually, I think all three of us share(d) that flaw. I think the universe intervened again at a time when I was immature and could have taken my indulgence way too far. It put me in a situation where I would have to learn to temper it, or at least find other ways of expressing it, and eventually mature and gain some perspective.
So, something has put me were I need to be. It’s also where Granny needs me to be. In fact, I don’t doubt for a minute that the fact that Granny needs me is something that I need, too. Maybe its a time for me to build on my pluses. I don’t know how much longer Granny will be here? But I imagine it’s until the universe thinks I need to be somewhere else in life. But, you know what? For now this is not such a bad spot.
August 25th, 2005 at 5:27 am
In my new life of spirituality, I accept that everything DOES happen for a reason. Everything. We rarely see it or realize the importance of what happens when it happens, whether it be minor or major. Some day in the future, you will know why. Our part in this is to take the proper action by doing the next right thing, turning it all over to our Higher Power and leaving the outcome to that HP. When I try to control the “outcome” it all gets fucked up.
So you are “right on” with your realization that this time in your life you are meant to be with Granny. The pay-off will show itself when it is time and you will see how everything worked out the way it was supposed to work out.
Thank you for your insight today. btw - there are countless books that will supplement your ideas on this
August 25th, 2005 at 6:07 am
I think you are right where you need to be for the time being.
August 25th, 2005 at 6:22 am
Tony, marry me !
So serene. I’m falling.
August 25th, 2005 at 7:11 am
Thank you for that.
August 25th, 2005 at 7:32 am
I think your in a good spot to and as much as you help Granny she is also helping you and you know that so that’s great. You are where you need to be at this moment in time and doing what you need. Your a great guy tony to think of Granny before you think of yourself that is a very selfless thing to go. You’ve got alot to share with that special person you’ll find I don’t mean physical I mean your mind and the person you are. Thanks for being you Tony.
August 25th, 2005 at 11:13 am
It is ironic to come across this blog on a morning like I have been having. I decided to read what you have been up to lately to take my mind off things and you have helped me look at my situation in a whole new perspective. It moved me enough that I HAD to respond to say: “thank you Tony”.
August 25th, 2005 at 12:29 pm
Is there such a thing as summer doldrums? Where people are so high on the heat and humidity that we start to get a “depression” going? Sort of like the end of winter, just before spring starts teasing with slightly warmer days? Lately I have been feeling very much like you. Although I believe everything does happen for a reason, I also feel lost right now. Like I’m just drifting along hoping for some direction. I hope you have a nice day!
August 25th, 2005 at 1:20 pm
It sounds to me that you’re in the just the right place. I have a lot of respect for you for taking care of Granny. It just goes to show how mature, caring, and unselfish you really are. And it sounds to me like your very good husband material. In a way, it’s too bad that you don’t have more of a social life, especially with other male friends. But, despite that lacking, your writing sure does make you sound like you’re pretty well adjusted. Be happy where you are…you deserve it!!!
August 25th, 2005 at 4:25 pm
It is wonderful and sweet that you are taking care of your granny. When my dad was dying of cancer and alzheimers in another state, I was not emotionally strong enough to even visit him. I loved and adored him while he was alive, and couldn’t bear to see him as a shell of himself in a hospice. I commend your strength and fortune.
August 25th, 2005 at 6:23 pm
Nice post Tony. Thank you for sharing!
Tonka
August 25th, 2005 at 10:30 pm
Tony,
No one can nuture, support and comfort like a Cancerian. Your granny is fortunate to have you around - and I’m sure she knows it and appreciates you.
I’m single, live in a rural area as well and I know how frustrating the lack of social interaction can be. I tend to immerse myself in projects so I don’t think about it as much. Maybe with your writing and blog, you do the same.
As far as husband material, I’d marry you in a heartbeat! I’m a Cancer too. Just think of all the granny-lovin and bean snappin we could do!
Best wishes to a very good man…
Mike
August 25th, 2005 at 10:46 pm
Hmm, that seems to the be the unanswerable question for me. Every once in a while I begin to wonder what I’m doing on this planet… and whether or not what I’m doing at the current time is really what I was meant to be doing.
As far as homelife is concerned, I feel your pain. I live in a small town that’s outside of the big tourist and city area, so my chances of actually going to a gay bar or attending a social event is pretty slim because it’s so far away. Most of my friends are either romantically involved or they’re getting married… and yet here I am, in this semi-rural town working a minor job that doesn’t really bring out my passions in life.
Sometimes I wonder whether I should move back to Orlando where I did my internship with Disney and had a total blast in life. Sometimes I wish I could re-live that year and change a few things, thus extending my stay there… on the other hand, if I had stayed in Orlando, I would’ve never graduated from college…
As far as romance is concerned… well, I’ll email ya about that =). But I know how you feel my friend… just stick in there and everything will come to you, I promise.
BTW, I’ve switched my blog to my own site and am now using Wordpress, so come and say hi sometime! =)
August 26th, 2005 at 3:13 am
Wanting to be loved is natural. We all hope to find the “right” one in our lives. Some of us get lucky and some of us don’t. The problem is sometimes we make the error of thinking we require it to have a fulfilling life. Be happy in what you have and love yourself faults and all.
Sometimes, we make sacrifices for the ones we love. It sounds like you don’t regret it which is probably the most important. If you ever find you resent it then it’s time for a change. I’m sure your Granny realizes what you do for her and she is more than grateful for it. Just think how much good Karma your building up!
August 26th, 2005 at 4:00 pm
Ahh.. I used to live in a rural area, and after my breakup I figured that I was never going to meet anyone…
So I decided that I would need to be prepared to move if the right man came into my life… I also decided that the only thing I was going to pray for (in this man) was that he would treat me with respect and be honest.. all the rest… money, looks wasn’t really important…
Well, It was my own sweet Cowboy, who I knew as a friend.. one day we just clicked…
You, young man, are handsome and intelligent and you have so much more going for you than that as well… It’s coming to you… Just be true to yourself
August 26th, 2005 at 4:19 pm
nice post, close to my thoughts ,also…
August 26th, 2005 at 8:24 pm
Why do you always have the nicest people respond to your blog? Seriously, your responders always give the most helpful and profound advice!
August 27th, 2005 at 7:20 pm
To Inter|textual, It’s because Tony is just such a big sweet lug of a guy!
August 30th, 2005 at 5:10 am
You’re such a cute sexy lug that I’m amazed you’re not inundated by marriage offers ona daily basis.
So how about you and me hook up sometime?
Paul
August 30th, 2005 at 2:38 pm
I don’t usually respond to things like this or even read them with such interest. You have a tallent for writing, I enjoyed it very much. I think you are just one of us people who GET IT. You can feel and see things and people in a different light. Your special and you can feel it down inside. I think you must know what I mean if you wrote all those cool and nice things and had such realizations and thoughts about life and what it all means. You are an interesting person. You are only 30 , you have lots of time to experience all kinds of stuff. Oh, and one more thing. You are awfully cute too! Had to say it.