Travis’ Retreat
I’ve gotten a lot of e-mails over the last couple of days from people who are curious about how things are going with the situation with Travis (Friday Afternoon Outing). Almost a week has gone by and things are basically as they always have been. He and I never talked a lot together at work before, and that hasn’t changed in the week since our ride in the country. Mostly because we haven’t been put on the same crews any this week, so we’ve only basically spoken in passing.
Some of you seem to think that he spilled the beans to me because he saw me as sort of a big brother or mentor. Some of you seem to think he did it because he may have an attraction to me. Hopefully it was just because (as some others of you seem to think) he sees me as a reasonable and understanding person who can accept him for who he is. If it’s either of the first two, I’m not sure I’m ready for it. I am in no position to be mentoring someone on being a gay man…I need my own mentors! And while I think he is an attractive guy, I am not attracted to him. No one should have to finally come through that door an instantly face rejection. I couldn’t live with doing that to him.
But I still think he needs to know he is not alone. We got cut early today because of heavy rain, so I figured I finally had an opportunity to tell him. When I approached him about hanging out after work, he was friendly as always, but sort of hemmed and hawed about “having things to do.” I told him that I was hoping we could get together because there were some things I wanted to talk to him about after what he told me last week. He sort of laughed it off and told me not to pay any attention to anything he says when he’s drinking, saying, “I was so fucking tore up, I could have said just about anything. Whatever I said, it don’t mean nothing.”
I didn’t know what the hell to say to that. He obviously regretted telling me he thought he is gay, and was trying to blame it on beer. He wanted me to think he didn’t mean what he said…or at the very least didn’t remember it. Sure he had a lot of beer, but I think that gave him courage, not memory loss. Not knowing how to respond, I just said, “Are you sure?” That was a stupid response, I know. Especially since he had a sudden flash of anger and came back with, “Yeah. I get drunk and I say stupid shit. That’s all it is. Forget about it, alright?” Then he said he had to go, and did.
Of course I can’t forget about it. It’s been knawing at me for a couple of hours now. Why is he feeling regret? Is it because of me, or is it because of himself? I’m pretty sure that when he said “I that might be like that,” it was probably the first time he ever said it out loud. Maybe when he’s sober the realization scares the hell out of him. When you’re gay in the hills, you really are pretty much an island. I wonder, too, whether he feels like because we really don’t know each other well, he can’t be sure I can be trusted with his secret, and feels foolish for having told me. That makes me realize I made a fatal mistake not opening up my own closet to him at the time he did. It would have solidified his security. Or what if he already does know about me (or at least has a strong suspicion) and his feelings are hurt because I didn’t share back.
Now I feel, more than ever, that we gotta to talk. I don’t want to be his lover or his teacher, but I want to be someone he can trust. But how to go about it now, lord only knows. I don’t want to make him angrier and I don’t want to scare him. It’ll only make him go deeper inside. He’s already closed the door. I gotta get there before it locks.
August 18th, 2005 at 6:43 pm
I understand how and why you want to keep on talking to him about it.
Personally, I think you should let it go for now. Give it some time. He surprised you once. Maybe he will again. You can’t be his mentor/friend unless he’s ready and willing.
August 18th, 2005 at 7:58 pm
You know, I wouldn’t push it. Just because he made a drunk confession doesn’t mean he’s really ready to face himself about being gay. At his age, he needs to work it out more on his own. If you remain friendly, the situation will arise again–as it should–on his terms and on his schedule.
August 18th, 2005 at 9:21 pm
Sounds like he regrets it and is either pissed cause he opened up to you and you didn’t or he’s pissed at himself. Either way you gotta tell him your like him. If he won’t talk to you then jot him a letter. I’d say he needs to know pretty quick that he’s not in it alone or that he is not a freak. We’ve all been there and here’s your chance to be a mentor….even if your not up for it.
August 18th, 2005 at 9:28 pm
Don’t overthink it Tony. He is scared now. He is afraid he made a mistake telling you. He is in limbo right now waiting to see if you spill the beans about him. Just go bout your biz as usual. He will realize his confidence has been kept and open back up to you again. Don’t feel pressured to out yourself to him until YOU are comfortable HE can keep it in confidence.
August 19th, 2005 at 12:03 am
Just thought a poem would be good here;
Growth of Man—like Growth of Nature—
Gravitates within—
Atmosphere, and Sun endorse it—
Bit it stir—alone—
Each—its difficult Ideal
Must achieve—Itself—
Through the solitary prowess
Of a Silent Life—
Effort—is the sole condition—
Patience of Itself—
Patience of opposing forces—
And intact Belief—
Looking on—is the Department
Of its Audience—
But Transaction—is assisted
By no Countenance—
Emily Dickinson
August 19th, 2005 at 12:48 am
I would let it go for now. If he feels that way now with his own realization of his feelings and situation. Who knows how he may take your information in the same state when he is feeling regret, angry and denial. Let him stew in his own juices for now.
August 19th, 2005 at 2:11 am
I agree with much of the advice above. I have been in similar situations - and you have to let the ‘emerging’ (gay) man set the pace. Your best way of proving that you are a good friend and can be trusted with his secret, is to keep it to yourself, and not be a constant reminder of his indiscretion. A standard greeting when you come into contact, and an openness to his next suggestion of going for a drink are your best course of action. “I have got something to tell you…” is far to confronting - and may get you a the allpurpose homophobe reaction of a smack in the mouth.
August 19th, 2005 at 5:03 am
I think you should tell him you’re gay too, Tony. He sure would love to know he is not alone.
August 19th, 2005 at 6:18 am
Anger is a defense mechanism, Travis can’t deal with his attraction to guys. He took a big step telling you and it has only been a week. The only way to get over that anger is to deal with it over time and its not like you go see a mental health professional, or talk to a friend, and a week later you are all better. I mean shit, you have to have time between visits to think about your things.
He may talk with you again or he may not but don’t YOU go feeling like it’s your problem. You didn’t take him for a ride did you? He took you for one.
He chose you to be his shrink, or friend, and to discuss some of HIS problems.
I have had other people try to make their problems my problems and you just have to be aware of this and try not to let them do it.
It is not easy being a nice guy Tony, but I think you are more that up to it.
August 19th, 2005 at 7:07 am
He is just really scared right now Tony he let out a big secret about himself that he isn’t really comfortible with at this time. I think telling him you’re gay may push him a bit to much I would just be freindly to him and try to talk to him about other stuff try to build a friendship first. Then when you feel you can trust him then let him know about you but I wouldn’t do it till you feel it is right. Something stopped you that day in the car go along with that there was a reason you didn’t say anything. So keep it to yourself now and that same voice in your head that said to not tell him will tell you when you should tell him. I hope that makes sence.
August 19th, 2005 at 7:09 am
Tony, do yourself a big favor - DO NOT DO ANYTHING, and most of all do not try and pull him out or tell him about you. This is not the way to go about it, you should not persue this any longer. I think it’s going to bite you in the ass if you do. You need to realize the consequences if you get this ( KID ) pissed off he can turn on you and make your life miserable at work and away. He can tell your crew members that you came on to him and regardless if your out to other crew memebers or not I just smell Disaster in the Air if you try and speak to him about his little situatuion. I know your going to do what you think is best, but think of yourself first and how this can back fire in your face. Not to mention the reaction you will get from the crew if he goes and tells everyone that your gay and tried to seduce him while you were both drinking. Bottom line is leave this alone, I think your going to stir one hell of a hornets nest up if you do. I’m just trying to save you the grief and bullshit one has to indure when one tries to help out a fellow bud stepping out for the first time. Take it from an old pro say nothing, and do nothing.
John
August 19th, 2005 at 7:54 am
I am going to agree with the previous comments, Tony. Let him think it over and come to you if and when he decides to. Seeking him out to tell him you are gay doesn’t seem like a very good plan. Especially if it was just the beer talking. You don’t know him very well..he could be the type to turn things around and make you shine in a very bad light at work. (by this I mean he could say you were sexually harrassing him) He didn’t need any invitation before to tell you his business, he won’t need one again should he decide to confide in you some more.
August 19th, 2005 at 8:02 am
he’ll be back, tony.
August 19th, 2005 at 10:26 am
Tony, just be his friend. Keep going out for drinks. Act as if nothing’s different. When he’s ready, he’ll talk about it again, and then if you want, you can share with him your situation.
August 19th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Everybody said it already. Mark said it best.
August 19th, 2005 at 10:34 pm
i agree - let him go in his own time, esp. with him living at home still, etc. etc. sounds like it’ll be a good couple seasons or years (at least) before he’s more OUT vs. confessing sexual confusion…
meanwhile, when are you going on a date? or even a fun trip?!
August 21st, 2005 at 11:51 pm
tony, let him come back to you in his own time. He’s 21 and sounds immature for something like this if he’s already denying what happened. (I mean, alcohol only releases inhibitions. It doesn’t make you lie.) Don’t press the issue, but just be a friend in other ways and he’ll come back around when he’s ready to fully accept the way he is. He’s still uncomfortable with it and pushing him isn’t going to help him deal with it any better right now. Don’t tell him you’re gay. It really won’t help matters much if he is battling with himself over HIS personal struggle. I know you want to help him and you have such a big heart, but it’s probably not the best idea at this time.
August 22nd, 2005 at 11:05 pm
come out of the closet tony, make some room for the young ones behind you. surely, wiith your own merchandise line called “large tony” you have the balls.
August 25th, 2005 at 12:23 am
I admired the fact that you did not tell him in the first place, but rather let it be about him and what he had to say. He is apparently in turmoil, denial, fear and is perhaps feeling a bit self-loathing. The beer just let him numb all that and be real for a moment. He does not need you to be gay for him. There were significant periods in my life where I did not want to be gay and had no desire to hear from guys who were. The thought of them was more threatening than supportive. I out grew that. But anyone going through the process will do it at their own pace, or not at all.
He might even turn a considerable amount of hate on you if you told him. However, if you are just a guy, just the decent guy you are, and you demonstrate that you don’t hate or despise him even though he told you that, then it will be the strongest argument you can make to him that he should not hate or despise himself. That alone is probably the biggest favor you can possibly give him. If he is lucky, he will find close friends to help him with the rest of it.
October 2nd, 2005 at 7:36 pm
It may be harder to come out in a rural area, I don’t know because I haven’t lived in one. However, my feeling about Travis is to not push him. This seems counterintuitive because you are both gay. But I had an experience almost ten years ago where a 32 year old co-worker here in LA told me about his own homosexuality and then later was angry at me because he let it out. Travis has to work it out himself, which it sounds like he is doing gradually. It takes a long time to accept yourself as something you’ve been taught to hate and fear your whole life prior to realizing that you were indeed the object you feared the most.