LARGETONY Blog

This is probably the third or fourth post where underwear has figured into the theme. You all are likely to start thinking I have an underwear fetish or something. I don’t. In fact, if I could have it my way, I would never wear underwear. But, wearing underwear is a necessary evil. You need it under jeans (unless they are really old and extra soft from a million washings); you need it under dress pants (you don’t want your stuff banging around at church); and you need it under shorts (unless you intend to put meat and two veg on the menu when you sit). And don’t, for God’s sake, do anything very active without underwear on. Not only to avoid a scrotal concussion, but consider how unpleasant it feels to have to peel your sweaty sack from your inner thigh….especially if either part is very hairy. Those of you who have experienced it know what I mean. If you don’t know, then go run a mile commando, come back and give your ball sack a tug. I’m sure it’s a close cousin to the pain women feel when they wax.

OK. Fine. I have to wear underwear. But that doesn’t mean I have to pay a lot of money for it. If you were to rummage through my underwear drawer, you’d mostly find stuff made by Hanes. They feel pretty good on, they hold up pretty good, and you can get a three pack for cheaper than a new CD. I just can’t see paying the same price (or more) for just a single pair that has some designer name stitched into the elastic waistband.

So why are the high-end brands so high-end? I’m sure that the fabric is probably a higher grade of cotton, but it’s not like it was picked by hand by virgin elves (surely if the Keebler’s can automate cookie baking, the little people at Klein are making use of the cotton gin). Then there are the undies made out of more specialized fabrics like microfiber. They are even pricier. But is it really a good idea to wear microfiber briefs? I mean, doesn’t microfiber sort of repel moisture and maintain heat? I guess that’s fine for moisture from the outside (you’ll stay nice and dry if you’re running around in your underpants during a thunderstorm!) but what about the moisture from your dark warm body crevices? I got a feeling that unless you are standing stock still in the refrigerator compartment of a freight train, you’ll be producing a serious funk (not to mention a slew of bacteria) in your high-priced pouch. Mmmm…do I smell taint?

I know that a lot of guys buy the designer brand underwear for look. They have several reasons. Maybe they want the look of a designer’s name peeking above the waist of their low-riders; or they have been fooled into thinking they will look like the nineteen year-old with the six pack and pouty lips that is one the package; or they simply like the way the underwear looks. These are the very same reasons why I can’t bring myself to pay premium prices.

I really don’t feel the need to advertise for a designer (and at the same time advertise that I shelled out too much money) until I start getting a check from Mr. Klein. And while I feel like I probably look alright in just my underwear, I know I don’t (and won’t) look like a supermodel. No matter the brand, I’m still more likely to look like the regular-type guys who model the kind of underwear you can buy at stores open 24 hours a day.

I don’t really care what I look like in underwear (unless, of course, I was in a car accident. But then, I don’t want to look like a billboard, I just don’t want to have skid marks) nor do I really care what my underwear looks like. I mean, I really don’t ever see my underwear except for just before and just after I take my pants off. Even if I’m bumming around the house in my undies, I’m just bumming around the house, not standing in the mirror looking at myself while tossing my hair from my eyes and pouting.

And it’s not like anyone else is seeing me in my underwear (except maybe a few times on the naughty side of my site…and sometimes then I was wearing upscale stuff–but I didn’t buy it). The only guys who have seen me in my underwear in months are the ones I work with, when every once in a while we will change out of our work clothes. But they aren’t paying any attention to what I’m wearing. And if they were, these are not the types you want to be caught dead (or in a car accident) wearing designer underwear around.

So, lets say I am lucky enough to get lucky. Sure, some hot (hopefully) guy might get a look at my underwear before we knock boots. But, I’m not there to put on a show (not a fashion show, anyway! ). And if we’re about to get busy, my underwear is going to be all stretched out and fitting badly. Plus, I’m not going to have them on for long. I gotta say, a three-for-twelve dollars pair of underwear looks just the same as a fifteen-dollar pair of underwear when balled up on the floor (or stuffed into amouth if you have to be discreet and you’re with a screamer).

If you like wearing expensive underwear, and can afford it, then cool. Go for it. But if you’re on a tight budget, just make sure you don’t sacrifice the the month’s rent for some new man panties. And wear it because you like it, not because your friends do, or because you that’s hwat magazines say you should, or because you think it’s gonna attract the right guy. If that’s your hook, then what are you gonna do when the undies come off? Remember, underneath it all, it’s not the underwear that counts, it’s who’s inside them.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, August 17th, 2005 at 3:50 am and is filed under observations. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.