Nice Kitty
After people get to know me, they often tell me that their first impression was that I appeared intimidating. But that’s all it really is. Appearance. I’m dark and pretty tall and don’t tend to smile much so people think I am some tough SOB.
On some level, I guess I am tough. My friend “J” is always telling me that I am fearless. When it comes to physical harm and stuff like that, I guess that’s pretty true. I really am not afraid of much (except horses…horses sort of freak me out. I’m always afraid they might kick or bite me, and I have no idea where that fear comes from). But heights, water, spiders, etc…no problem. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a thrill seeker looking to put myself in danger. But when forced into a situation, I will face it head on. Mostly…
I mean, if someone starts a fight, I won’t think twice about taking them on to protect myself (or others), but let a stranger start a conversation then I will retreat into my shell like a crab (I am a Cancer, after all.) What people see in me as intimidating is, in reality, me feeling intimidated…socially, anwyay. They think I don’t smile cause I’m a bad ass. I don’t smile because I’m nervous as hell (and because I have big ol horse teeth.)
The truth is that when it comes to dealing with people, I’m a real pussy sometimes. And I want to kick myself for it.
For example, recently someone that I really don’t care for started being nice to me when in the past I barely even showed up on their radar (which was fine with me.) I couldn’t figure out why he was being so nice. I figured he was up to something. But the nice guy in me (aka the pussy) took over and I started feeling guilty for being so suspicious of his intentions. After all, just becuase someone is nice to you doesn’t mean they are after something. Right?
Now, not long afterward, I found out he did want me to do something for him. And it was something that I really didn’t want to do. It wasn’t anything bad or harmful, just something that I really think I should do. But my pussy side caved in and said, “If it’s not going to hurt anything to do this, and it will make him happy…then why not just be nice and do it?” So, I did him the favor.
As it turns out, my original instincts were right. My little favor led to him wanting me to become involved in other things. Again, nothing harmful. Just stuff I don’t want to be a part of. I’ve decided not to go any further with it, but now I wish that I just never extended kindness to him in the first place. I want to take back my original gesture, but that would just be petty…and wouldn’t be very nice.
That was my problem in the first place: being nice. It seemed like the right thing to do. Isn’t that the way good people treat each other? But, unfortunately, being nice isn’t a good thing any more than being nice means you’re a good person. After all, he was nice to me, but it wasn’t just to be good.
This is just one more thing to chalk up to experience, I guess. I only wish that I could say that I will have learned from it when the next person comes along. But probably not. I’ll just once again be a country Anne Frank and pretend the Nazis aren’t banging on the door.
Wouldn’t it be a good thing if more people tried to be nice…and a nice thing if more people tried to be good?
Did I just hear a meow?
August 9th, 2005 at 12:43 am
here are a few thought rolls… liked what you said to say a few days back about the social statis of blogs today, was insightfull. i also enjoyed this article about “the pussy”. as i read it i found myself thinking about similar situations that i have been in that were much like yours. i think it’s good to give to others. nothing makes me more happy than to see someone enjoy something i’ve given them or done something for them. its a great feeling, one of which i value very much and hope never to loose. i’ve lived by the following “give to give and not to get” often times finding myself submerged in the litter pan for it. guess you just keep working around the shitty clumps and sooner or later you’ll find yourself next to a warm, furry puring thing…
August 9th, 2005 at 4:15 am
Damn Tony. I could have written that whole piece. You sound just like me. The same feelings. Although, I don’t like to get in any type of physical fight.
In my newfound sobriety (2 years) it is incumbent for me to be nice to everyone. That doesn’t mean we must be friends, but I can’t allow myself to be unfriendly. At least, not for no reason. Being an introvert, I find it quite difficult to extend myself outwardly to others. Like you said, another part of lifes’ experiences. Part of growing up.
Thanks.
August 9th, 2005 at 7:51 am
Yeah Tony. It really sucks when people take advantage of your friendship. I’ve been there too.
But I never think of pussy when I think of you
August 9th, 2005 at 4:06 pm
Like Little Red Riding Hood says (or rather sings) in the musical Into the Woods after her run in with the Big Bad Wolf… “And though scary is exciting, nice is different than good.”
At the same time, people being nice to one another is part of the social fabric that holds things together even though there are folks that will take advantage of that no end. We all gotten burned because we were nice at some point. But things would be icky indeed if no one was nice for any reason.
Keep the chin up.
August 9th, 2005 at 7:17 pm
My experience has been that a lot of people are low life pieces of fucking shit. It’s just one of the realities of life. But it does not mean you have to be like them OR that you are a pussy if you are not like they have become. Look at relationships like this, “at least you know you are going to get screwed”.
Keep on being yourself, the world can use all the nice guys it has.
August 9th, 2005 at 8:14 pm
Although hardening yourself might seem like the solution, the very next person to whom you are kind could wind up being a friend for life who pays you back in ways you hadn’t even dreamed possible. Of course that doesn’t mean let people take advantage of you — the key is finding a balance between the extremes, so that trouble knows to look elsewhere while goodness can still find you.
Hope you won’t let one misstep make you distrust your ability to achieve that balance overall.
August 9th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
I always say ‘the world is what we make it’ so I try to do the things I think keep me an honest honorable person. It’s not always easy knowing when to turn someone away when we suspect their motives. They often use that against us. However, that doesn’t mean we should give up. I’m glad you made the effort. Now you know w/o any sort of doubt what type of person he is and how to deal w/him.
August 11th, 2005 at 8:00 pm
As a fellow Cancerian, Tony, I can relate to how you were treated by your “friend”. Know this, though: your compassion clearly trumps his behavior any day! You should be proud of yourself.
September 5th, 2006 at 10:27 pm
Being nice or pleasant is just social lubricant; it’s a way of keeping things moving along without too much stress or strife. There’s nothing wrong with being nice.
But, to me, favors aren’t covered under “being nice” to strangers & acquaintances. I do favors for friends when they ask (if I’m able), and I know the odds are good they’ll do one for me when I really need it, but I don’t keep a spreadsheet on it. I sometimes do a good thing for a stranger — give someone a ride when they’re by the road in the rain; give my sack lunch to some guy with a sign that says “Hungry, Need Food”; etc — but I don’t consider those favors. That’s just doing the right thing.
Maybe it’s because I’m older, or just more curmudgeonly, but when someone who’s not one of my friends starts buttering me up in order to get a favor, I don’t find it difficult at all to be nice while I’m saying, “Sorry, but I can’t help with that.” Interesting how often the other person’s niceness just disappears right about then…