LARGETONY Blog

For my birthday I went to see “Batman Begins.” It was pretty damned good. I liked it because it seemed like a real story rather than a comic book character come to life. Christian Bale was the hottest he has been since “American Psycho” . It’s amazing how he can morph his body into whatever build he wants for a movie (those arms!). Finally a Bruce Wayne who can go shirtless (and the shirtless stuff isn’t about trying to sex up the movie with beefcake. It completely fits the sitation. It’s just bonus that he’s hot.)

I think he is the most convincing of all the Bruce Waynes. The only other good Bruce Wayne, in my opinion, was Val Kilmer…even though he was just a shade too pretty. Christian Bale is very attractive, but he doesn’t look like he just stepped out of a shampoo/ toothpaste commercial. Plus, Val Kilmer has such cocksucker lips. When he was in the Batman mask and all you really saw was his mouth…..WHoo-boy! You have to watch his Batman from the back row. (and pick up extra napkins at the popcorn counter).

On a side note…I bet Val Kilmer flips out if you get spunk in his perfectly done hair.

Speaking of cocksuckers, just wait to you catch a gander at the juicy oral lobes on the guy that plays the Scarecrow. I don’t know who the actor is, but think of Angelina Jolie with collagen (sp?) shots. And I get the sense that, whoever he is, he just might enjoy partaking of a bit of smoked bone.

One of the things that made the movie stand out among the other Batmans…and other superhero movies ,for that matter, is that there was a good reason for the way everything about Batman evolved. He didn’t just randomely decide to be a bat. He didn’t just decide to have a batcave…and he certainly didn’t toss a green popsicle into the water and have the batcave come shooting out like Superman’s ” Fortress of Solitude” (Isn’t that a really pretentious name for your hide away? That’s what happens when small town folks get a little something.)

It wasn’t like all the other Batmans where just cause he was rich he could go out and get whatever he wanted. No calling up The Sharper Image and ordering a utility belt. Now, the fact that he is rich does make it much easier to aquire these things, but at least you get to see how they came about. Oh, and this Batman can fly. I don’t mean like Superman fly. It’s more like he uses his cape to glide. He doesn’t leap tall buildings, he leaps off tall buildings. There’s no “Up, up, and away!” I would describe it as “Down, down, and riiiight here.” But its still very cool. I’ve always thought it was funny that, in the past, Batman was a guy who picked a flying animal as his symbol, but needed a “Batcopter” to fly around. If you’re gonna wear a symbol on your chest, you better live up to it. Wonder Woman’s chest certainly fills you with wonder. (I wonder how big they are. I wonderif they’re gonna pop out when she runs. I wonder if she’ll let me touch them. I wonder where she got that outfit.)

Where do superheros get their outfits? That’s something that always kind of gets glossed over. Supposedly Martha Kent made Clark’s Superman outfit, starting from the red blanket that he was in when his little Krypton space pod with the child-safety seat crashed in a Kansas cornfield. I think we’re supposed to accept that the blanket became his cape since they are both red, but unless its some Kryptonian Super-growing fabric, that’s quite a stretch (pun intended….I love puns!). Clark grew into a big strapping 6′-4″ hulk of a man (or a lean Abercrombie waif if you’re on the WB) so how is that little blanket gonna be a cape? Even on miniature Dean Cain, the it would serve only, at best, as a hand towel. Maybe Mrs. Kent used the blanket to make his Super panties. They are red too. And where did she get the stuff for the rest of his outfit? The Superman story begins in the 1940’s. Was there spandex before the space age? Even if there was spandex, what mother from Kansas is gonna dress her son up in something as fruity as spandex and knee boots with his underwear on the outside…all accessorized with a yellow belt?? I doubt Martha Kent was that in touch.

In Spiderman, the Spidey suit came about when Toby McGuire (as Peter Parker) designed and put together an outfit for himself for a wrestling contest. Okay, I can buy that he thought up an idea. And I can buy the crappy version of the suit he put together himself with the ski mask and everything. But what about the good version of the suit? Where did he get that? He’s science geek. Not a seamstress. Somebody had to make that for him. (Again with the spandex. Not just any spandex. Spider print spandex.) There must be some shop specializing in superhero couture (sp?) with locations in Metroplis, Gotham City, and Paris. It caters to a very elite clientel and is very discreet.

At least in “Batman Begins” the way the bat suit comes about, like almost everything in the movie, makes sense. It doesn’t just appear in the Bat Closet. You see him make it. It’s not makde of Spandex (no need to cry out for the Caped Crusader to get himself a Bat bra like the TV version) although Christian Bale has the chest to pull off spandex (and peel it off for that matter…slowly…while working his hips…cue the music…oh yeah…that’s it, boy…work that bat…um, I guess you can tell I like Christian Bale). No spandex. No nipples. No stuffed crotches. Not even a twinkie sidekick. Nothing flaming about this Batman.

But there is one superhero that I ain’t gonna mind seeing flame a bit (in the literally sense): The Human Torch in the upcoming “The Fantastic 4.” I don’t really know much about “The Fantastic 4″. I never read the strip. I know there’s a girl, a leader guy, a guy who looks like something from a Halloween episdode of “The Flintstones,”…and Chris Evans.

Talk about fantastic!I have seen his pictures on the internet before, not knowing who he was. And he always managed to make it start talking (and it talked dirty. Read Look Who’s Talking if you don’t know what I mean.) I have never seen any of his movies, but he is the only reason I am going to go see this one. I don’t even care if he can’t act. I just hope it doesn’t get in trouble for talking in the theater.

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 2nd, 2005 at 2:19 pm and is filed under general. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.