15,768,000 Minutes
How do you measure the years in your life?
I woke up this morning to find myself no longer in my 20′s. Good morning yesterday. I sat up in bed, buck naked, but I pulled the sheet up around my waist to cover my legs. It’s weird how I will do that. As if someone is going to walk in the room. I look around the room. The same room I was sleeping in fifteen years ago. The same bed I was too long for fifteen years ago (even though Granny bought a full-sized bed to replace the two twins my brother and I used to sleep on when we visited, my feet still hang over unless I curl up.) Everthing was in the same place it was fifteen years ago. It’s as if time stood still. But, if time stood still, I would not suddenly be 30.
Yet, everything remains the same. Has there been no progress? Why haven’t I at least gotten a bigger bed? Well, the room is too small for a bigger bed. So, why haven’t I moved into the larger room that was Granny’s and Grandaddy’s since she has can’t handle stairs and has a room downstairs now? Well, because that’s their room. No, neither one lives in there anymore. But it’s still their’s to me. That’s where they built and sustained their marriage. While I can’t say the same for my parents, my grandparents were madly in love. I saw it when they quietly sang together on the porch while he cranked the ice cream freezer. I saw it when she picked the suit from the closet that he would wear at his funeral. I see it now when she mistakes me for him and becomes twenty again. I have too much respect for all that to trespass on their space.
Plus, my room is my space. It’s my comfort zone. A short bed, yeah. But it’s my short bed. They say that people who are born under the sign Cancer are like the crab that represents them. They are tied to their homes and can be quick to retreat into their shell. My room is like my shell. I guess that’s what makes it comfortable.
As much as things have stayed the same, I guess a lot of things have changed. That kid above in the second grade (minute #3,679,200) could not know what changes lie ahead. He had no idea he would one day he’d be helping his Granny off the toilet. He had no idea that one day he would almost lose an eye. He didn’t even know the potential of the beast that would one day lurk in his britches (nor did any of the kids around him.). He knew he wanted some things to be different. He just didn’t quite know yet that you don’t always get to pick what changes. And some of the changes you want, simply don’t happen.
He wanted his ears to not stick out so much. They calmed down some. He wanted his nose to not be so big. It only got bigger. He wanted to be tall enough to play pro basketball. Well, at least he got tall. He wanted wanted people to like him as much as they liked his brother. The brother certainly lost some of his luster. He wanted his father to stop bullying him. His father died. He wanted to like going home. Home is now his favorite place.
I look at that little guy and wonder how I was ever that small. Sitting in bed, I looked across the footboard into the mirror on the dresser. My hair is getting too long. I had that kind of bed head that you think is cute on another guy but looks like a fright on yourself. Even though the surroundings had frozen in time, I had gone through some changes. Some were obvious. I looked at myself and for the first time realized I look like a man. A grown-up man, I mean. Not like a big kid or a young man. Just a man.
A thirty year old single gay man. Dairy products have a longer shelf life than single gay men. I was about to turn around in the mirror to check the expiration date on my ass. “Best if used before…” Maybe I should have started sooner. My homo-ness did not offiicially begin until about seven years ago. Sure, there was activity before then. But it was just bush league moonlighting. Way back before that, somewhere around minute #6,832,800, I had been drafted for the other team. Even though I was a big-hitter, I never really felt a part of that team. So, as minute #12,088,800 rolled around (give or take a thousand) I traded up to the big leagues swinging my bat with the boys team, never looking back to the minors again (although I get a call from them now and then.)
I’m finally at a peace with the way I look. Not a beauty, but not ugly either. As I have gotten older the big features seem to give my face character. My body is finally solid looking. I have a few permanent nicks and scars. But, I look like someone who has lived some life.
Living life. Those are the changes that aren’t so obvious. There are no visual cues. You don’t look at someone and see changes like the death of the mother (minute #7,358,400) or their father (minute #8,925,200); their graduation from high school (minute #9,460,800); their attempt at junior college (minute# 10,512,000); You don’t see the change and growth from their first real (and only) relationship (minutes #12,088,800 thru 12,614,400).
Change has sort of slowed down the last three and a half million minutes or so. Obligations have changed the the life I’m supposed to be living …or, at least the life I think I’m supposed to. Caring for Granny’s life has sort of put a hold on me fully living life. But, hey, that’s life.
June 30th, 2005 at 1:36 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You’re still just a young stud! Glad you came out of your shell to share your life with us. I think we all have a few scars and a few regrets but regardless of where you’re at right now, if you’re happy and healthy, Life is Good. Hope you have a great day and a great year.
June 30th, 2005 at 1:58 pm
Aw, Tony! What an adorable child you were! And what a great post! Happy Birthday, buddy!
June 30th, 2005 at 5:50 pm
First off, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I recently stumbled upon this blog and I’ve got to say that I’ve enjoyed reading. Great post.
June 30th, 2005 at 5:56 pm
Happy Birthday stud!!! Ahhh don’t worry about getting older… You are still the same hot stud that I developed the hots for so long ago hehehe. In fact, I find that guys in their 30s are the hottest on the planet =)).
Anything I can do to make your birthday even better? =))
xoxoxoxo
Jonah
June 30th, 2005 at 6:03 pm
Happy B’day big guy. *G* 30 ain’t so bad. I’m 4 years ahead of ya.
As for life on hold, sometimes we make sacrafices for the ones we love. Be proud of that.
June 30th, 2005 at 7:13 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TONY!!
I am 1,244 miles away or 22.62 hours as the crow flies by the speed limit.
Dave – 26,819,200 minutes old
June 30th, 2005 at 8:11 pm
Tony, I think you’ll be getting better with age. You haven’t begung to explore your potential, young man. This time with Granny is giving you lots of time to really find yourself. And that true self never ages.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:30 pm
Happy Brithday Tony. My birthday wish for you is that you find someone to “fall madly in love” with like your grandparents. You deserve it.
June 30th, 2005 at 8:31 pm
Welcome to the club Tony. This really is part of a progression, not depression
June 30th, 2005 at 10:01 pm
Happy Birthday! Don’t fret too much – there is gay life after 30
June 30th, 2005 at 11:37 pm
Another profoundly moving entry from you, Tony, that brought tears to my eyes. The image of you and your class is brilliant. Happy birthday, man.
July 1st, 2005 at 7:05 am
Happy Birthday, Tony! I also turned 30 this year and boy was I sad. I pined for my twenties. I cried over my teens. I longed to be a child again. I used to hate my parents telling me what I could and couldn’t do all of the time. Now sometimes I wish someone would point me in the right direction. I still have the luxury of asking my parents for their opinions and advise. Now that I’m older, I often take it.
The counting of the minutes really got me thinking, though. And it reminded me that minutes tick away…You never even realize how many of them you didn’t pay attention to. At least we always remember the ones that took our breath away.
July 1st, 2005 at 7:27 am
Happy Birthday Tony don’t worry your a stud and just around the corner is the guy that you will fall in love with and have your white picket fence and 2.4 kids minus the .4 having almost half a kid running around is a bit messy.
July 1st, 2005 at 7:56 am
Huzzah! V v Happy Birthday, Tony.
July 1st, 2005 at 10:27 am
Happy Birthday
teens are fun, twenties exciting, thirties are great and I hope the forties are better. sorry about the spelling. Great post by the way
July 1st, 2005 at 10:37 am
I know I don’t leave you comments very often, but happy birthday Tony. Be proud of where you are
July 1st, 2005 at 11:36 am
Happy Birthday!! Maybe you should get a bigger bed, just as a birthday treat.
July 1st, 2005 at 3:32 pm
1975 model……barely used…….rides nice…….good for traveling……..in great shape…….nice body………stick shift for easy handling……looks like any guy would be lucky to have you in his life! Happy Birthday Tony!
July 1st, 2005 at 11:49 pm
Happy Birthday, Tony! As a friend told me once (he’s actually quite active as an gay adult model in the gay scene) when he turned 30, there is life after 30. And really, you’ve only just begun. Your best years are ahead of you. No, I’m not over 30 and I have 4 years to go, but I’d like to think that’s true. So far from looking at him and others, it seems to be true. Live well! If you repaint their old bedroom, would you feel better about it? Just kidding.
Hope you didn’t take offense.
July 2nd, 2005 at 7:44 am
Happy Birthday, dearest Tony. Beautiful Tony.
July 4th, 2005 at 9:56 am
I rarely comment on blogs because I want to read YOU, not the other way around. I feel intrusive on the experience when I offer my opinion, but this time I’m making an exception… That was one of the most impressive pieces of writing I’ve ever encountered, and I’ve been a journalist most of my thirty-EIGHT years. You’ve got “it,” when it comes to writing about your life, and mainly I think so because you write like you probably talk, and with honesty about how you feel. It shows. I felt it, too. I’m fortunate to have been here when you shared it…and that goes for the rest of this blog as well. It makes many of us out here, even if just for a single moment, know how you “FEEL.” What a gift.
October 1st, 2005 at 5:40 pm
You know I love the way that you write. I happen to like the way you look, too. But now I have to say that I like the way you make me think about things. Thanks.
March 24th, 2007 at 5:13 am
Very worth reading.
April 3rd, 2007 at 7:12 am
Beautiful. Moving. It would be great to sit with you looking in the mirror together, discussing what we see.
April 9th, 2007 at 12:44 am
Tony, you know that old admonition about asking busy people to get things done? I suspect that`s true emotionally too. Your life isn`t on hold because of the care you give your grandmother, it`s fully engaged, empathetic and open. Just right for an entrance from someone worthy. I really hope the attorney is the guy, but if he isn`t, please trust life. I met my one and only at 45! You have everything you need. RT
April 17th, 2007 at 12:15 am
Tony, it is because of such posts that I so much love your blog. It was honest to the core and as emotional as it can be. and congrats on your 365th post.